Ah've jist rushed oot o' the tap negotiations fur a quick pint an' a slash in the Plough havin' bin called in by the Prime Minister an' Tshurt fur til assist in breakin' the polisin' impass.
For the last wheen o' days Norn Iron has been on the brink o' a precipice, starin' intil an abyss wi' nae way back, dependin' oan which paper yis raid, sae civil servants are relyin' on my tap negotiatin' skills fur til hammer oot a dail acceptable til both parties. The situation is nat helped by the fak that naybody will spake til eacho'er, an' all attempts on my part at organisin' drinkin' games fur til break the ice appear til have hid nay success.
Things was goin' well wi' a wee round o' "Ah hiv niver" til Sammy Wilson said "Ah hiv niver bin in a Paramilitary group" an' naebody knew whar til luk. Almost as bad as "Ah hiv niver bin a complete arse." There were similar recriminations when ah suggested pin the tail oan the donkey til Nigel Dodds.
At the moment ah am considerin' naked twister an' drink Kerplunk, baith o' which put grate images in ma heid.
Howiver awl is nat lost, fur ah put Dr Wullie McIlveen an' a few boys at Ballyvicknakelly Ulster Scots University o' Peace an' Reconciliation oantil it an' they hiv suggested a few ideas.
It saims unreasonable that the (cross community) Alliance Party shud git the new minister post, since naebudy votes for them. If they did, then they wud hiv their ain ministry an' nat hiv til fart aboot oan the TV lukkin' smug as this crisis unfolds. The new minisiter shud be me, since ah was yince voted Glastry's sexiest man in a competition organised by Ards Loyalist Pensioners Ladies Guild. This gives me a clear mandate fur til' take ma proposals forwards. These include.
An international polis force made up o' the best yins frae Italy, Russia, France an' China shud be putt in place. Then them boys wud knae whit hit them when a riot broke oot.
Employment fur ex-prisoners wud be foun' within the education system, mainly as enforcers fur teachers.
Idea Fower: Parades (a)
The main parade o' dispute is, o' coorse, Drumcree. Everyone wha lives oan the Garvaghy Road wud be sent oan a weeks hallydays til the Costa del Sol in early July. This wud allow the parade til take place, an' wud cost substantially less than all the bother we usually hiv. Alternatively the Garvaghy Road lat wud be allowed fur til hiv an internment parade in the middle o' Portydown as a swap.
Idea Five: Parades (b)
A £70 million poun' multi-purpose parade stadium will be erected at the Maze. Anyyin whi' a contentious parade can gae there an' folk can watch an' the like. This includes the o'er surt an' Gay folk, the lat.
A new crime o' wastin' the electorate's time will be introduced, alangside a thorough investigation intil all MLAs an' the planning process.
Ah hold ma hans up an admit that ah got pished the o'er nicht an' in dain' sae accidentally plunged the wurld o' Ulster Scots interwabbin intil ano'er (unsuccessful) campaign. Sittin' at the auld laptap ah thunk til messel, "Billy, ye hot dog ye, whit we naid is ano'er facebuk campaign, this time aimed at makin the hamely tongue the official artificial langwidge o' Norn Iron". Sae ah made it, an' although ah admit it wus maist likely a mistake til gae doon thy'on route, ah'll hiv til fally through (in the non toilet sense).
Why the arse shudny it be?
The Free State his official Tongue, as dus the Wales, but naebudy spakes them. The twa tongues are designed purely til prap up a fictional romantic notion o' nationhood, (sorry Dewi ma boy) based upon a seperation frae the folk next door. "Luk at us" says themuns, "We are official nations fur we hiv mair vowels than ye kin wing a fart at." Now thy'on is an arguement thit ah cud gae fur aside frae yin thing. "Naw "says the Garlic crowd, "Ulster Scots isnae a langwidge, it is merely a dialect, an' a dialect o' the Inglis Tongue at that".
Scots is officially a Germanic langwidge, yin which emerged aroun' the same time as Inglis. Fur quite some time (sae a red in the paper) it existed alangside the Inglis, til James (VI and I) went til Ingland an' gat up hissel. The twa langwidges were distinct an' differn yet sharin' a commin root, a bit like Welshness an' the Free State tongue. Now in them twa nations, a massive sivil service his built up fur til employ twats wha cudnae dae praper degrees, sae faff aroun' translatin' things intae somethin' naebody gies a flyin' fart aboot. Ah demand parity o' stupidity. Folk wha cannae spell hiv an equal richt til jabs, an such.
That's thy'on sorted.
If yer oan facebuk an' wantae join the campaign click oan here.......
Ah driv down til Belfast frae Caulraine the o'er day. In da'in sae ah past a road called CLINTY ROAD. Ah wud like fur til advise road service that this road name luks bad if ye havnae gat yer glasses oan.
Naid a pole, fur we havnae hid yin fur ages.
This weeks pole is basesd upon recipe ideas fur yung Kirk's cafe by the lagan.
Now that the whole Iris thing has calmed down an' naebudies talkin' aboot it anymair, ah feel able til emerge frae the bar an' return til the interweb. The hole thing came as a bit o' a shack til messel, but a hiv nae doubt that it's awl brock an' that Iris's name will be cleared o' the stain o' aduterousness. In the maintime ah've challenged young Kirk til a duel, durty wee get.
Bein' in hidin' frae the media his its advantages. Ah hiv til admit thit Kirk's git up an' gae attitude is quite inspirational, an' ah tae decided fur til git aff me arse an' luk fur new business opportunities. Thus ah've spent a lat o' the week oan the phone til different DUP advice centres asking whereaboots ah cud git £50K o' start up capital fur a new business adventure. Ah hid high hopes thit young Michelle McIlveen wud make me an affer, (ah wud hiv threw her £5K afterwurds fur her buther) but nae advice his bin fowerthcomin, aside frae whar til stick me business adventure. However ah feel thit ah cud be oantil somethin'. Ah've been examinin' the fine wurk o' ma wee fren at Norn Iron Tees an' reckon there micht be a windae o' opportunity fur a creative boy like messel. Ah dinnae want til gae intil competition in the T shurt market, sae ah'm fur lukkin' at underwear insteid.
Ma yinst cupple o' designs are aimed at the Derry Market.
Yin fur the lassies......
Cross Community Wear
An a cupple based oan papular Ulster Foodstuffs.
Ah reckon awl ah naid is an MLA wi a few poun' til spare an' ah'm aff.
We have been asked by oor client, Professor Billy McWilliams of Orange Parade, Glastry fur til issue a statement refutin' rumours regardin' his conduct which hiv bin circualtin' aboot oan the interweb.
Oor client wud like til deny that he is a buisinessman in any shape or form. Any investments in his fake tannin' salon "Orange fur Ulster" hiv bin entirely legit, an' hiv nat involved any political types. Furthermore his shares in "Busty Ballymena" are held in trust, with any prafits goin' til charities fur til help raise up dirty weemin.
Whilst oor client knaes of, an' has even met, a few political types, he hasnae gat involved wi' them til oany grate extent. Oor client's admiration an' affection fur certain politicians is well knain, but he refutes any allegations o' misconduct or of usin' his high falutin' role in Ulster Scots culture for dodgy purposes.
Oor client excepts that some of the statements he has made on the website that he contributes til wud imply a close relationship wi' certain politicians, but assures us that these statements were the result of a vivid an' slightly perverted imagination, yin fur which he is seekin' councilin'.
Mr McWilliams wud like fur til assure everybudy that awl o' these rumours an' nefarious events will nat prevent him frae carryin' oot his duties til the Ulster Scots community an' the public at large.
Finally oor client wud like til assure Mrs McWilliams that anythin' that she has heard is pure ballix an' that he wud like back intil the house, fur it is wile caul.
So thats thy'on all cleared up.*
At this late stage my client would also like to point out that he is pushin' 40.
A braw new year til awl o' oor raiders. Oor thankins fur yer support in the year past, a year which sae nearly brung Ballyhalbert intil the reckonin' fur glory. A year in which Sammy helt back the tide o' climate change mentalism, a year in which the sad death o' wee Micky Jackson robbed us o' yin o the great Ulster Scots.
But awl years must end or, in my case, drag til a drunken halt amidst broken dreams an' wind. We must ris oorselves up, rearsess oorselves an' move on, an we here at 1690 are nae acception. Ah hiv tae admit thit there wus a loss o' direction here taewards the close o' the year. This wus due til a combination o' alcohol, lack o' internet access an' praper wurk, but nae excuses shud be excepted by the Ulster Scots community. We hiv a duty til propagate things, an' we got cocht up in things beyond oor ken. Ah fur yin hiv til admit thit we hid little chance o' forcin' through Ballyhalbert's claim on UK City o' Culture, nat when Londonderry's in fur it.
As the wurld knaes, or prabably disnae, the Ulster Scot is on a hidin' til nathin' when it comes til political prapaganda, sae we must fine o'er means o' puttin' forward oor case. This realisation forced a crisis meetin' at the 1690 hall, an' we hiv decided fur til relaunch arselves. Nae langer will we tie arselves up in pointless persuits, ragin' agin' the machine that is the pro-Free State Media. Instead we will instigate a subversive internet campaign til promote awl things Ulster, although ah'm nat sure it wus best fur til plan this campaign whilst watchin' the Elvis 1968 Comeback Special an' drinkin' heavily. Frae the noo we relaunch oorselves, unner the same name but with a new slogan, a bit like the Tories, although ah cannae remmer how til fix the sign at the tap o' the site. Ah'll come back til that.