tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26091820554557276162024-02-19T02:36:16.932+00:001690 an' all thonUlster Scots stuff, Culture an' the like when ah can be arsed.Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.comBlogger214125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-58633246089140753262013-10-07T17:47:00.000+01:002013-10-07T17:47:49.866+01:00Submission to the Haaaasss Talks, on behalf of 1690 an all thon.<b>Dear Ambassador Haaaaaassss,</b><br />
<br />
It is my understannin' that you and yer compatriots have been sent o'er frae the USA fur til luk intil the issues o' Flegs, Parades an' the Past, an' hiv therefur invited submissions frae intrested parties in Norn Iron.<br />
<br />
As Heid Yin o' 1690 an all thon I wud describe messel as such an interested party, having bin knain fur til parade wi' flegs in the past, so am richt an' well qwallyfied fur til lecture ye oan all thrie issues. I hiv therefur put ma heid taegither tae come up wi the fallyin' submission:<br />
<br />
<b>Flegs - </b><br />
<br />
When Naomi Long climbed up oan the City Hall an' tuk doon the Union Fleg, she cannae hiv expected the backlash which was tae fally. As a direct result o' her takin' doon yin single fleg, there are now mair flegs in Norn Iron than in any o'er country in the Western Hemisphere, includin' yer ain hameplace the USA. We hiv Union flegs, Ulster flegs, UVF flegs, UDA flegs, Israeli flegs, Scotland flegs, Orange flegs, Army flegs, Upside doon flegs, French flegs, Dutch flegs an' a plethora o' made up flegs. Nat oany that, we have also seen the rise o' the "fleg protestor" as a sub-species o' Loyalism, wi' Jamie Bwyson niver aff the news, dressed up as a Comanche wi' thon dickheid Willie Fraser. Add tae that the o'er surt's flegs an' ye hiv a situation where nae lamp post is wi' oot some reg or o'er hingin' aff it, gien' the impression thit the country is hostin' some kine o' Olympics fur bigots.<br />
<br />
Naomi, o' coorse, was oany tryin' fur til be inclusive, but whit she failed til dae when she nicked the City Hall fleg was put up a differn' fleg - a truly inclusive fleg. We naid a fleg which represents both o' oor diverse cultures, yin wi' symbols frae both communities. As yid expect, I've an idea fur it.<br />
<br />
<b>New inclusive fleg:</b><br />
<br />
Whit I intend fur til dae is take the auld Ulster Province fleg, as a Nationalist symbol, an make some minor changes til it til plaise Unionists. The original province o' Ulster has 9 counties, fur example, sae I will reflect the loss o' three o' them til the Free State by changin' the wee shield intil some surt o' a 6 sided shape fur til reflect the 6 counties o' Norn Iron. We'll keep the Red Hand and the Red Cross fur til keep the o'er surt happy, but maybe change the background frae yellow til white til reflect the English influence, an' add some kine o' wee symbol fur the Queen, a wee crown or the like.<br />
<br />
Thus ma new inclusive fleg will evolve frae the auld Provincial fleg, til luk somethin' like this..... Ah kin safely say thit if Naomi Long sticks this up oan the City Hall ye'll see an end til the protests.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaubcyORcTRYhmZMjnI2Ef1jTCYPqwric8bGi8Oj1Nkue3BQDzTuBCfKEOx0TvUT427nV-KUUM7vGT1ztvLjBrzQFwJi7u8O2EIFwIT_UxYfgt6CSvYehQJ-UKm8eNL6eQufFQySKSRt26/s1600/Ulster+fleg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="166" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaubcyORcTRYhmZMjnI2Ef1jTCYPqwric8bGi8Oj1Nkue3BQDzTuBCfKEOx0TvUT427nV-KUUM7vGT1ztvLjBrzQFwJi7u8O2EIFwIT_UxYfgt6CSvYehQJ-UKm8eNL6eQufFQySKSRt26/s640/Ulster+fleg.jpg" width="640" /></a><br />
<b>Parades:</b><br />
<br />
Accordin' til some figures I read a while back but cannae remember, there were about 5000 parades in Norn Iron last year, o' which somethin' like 10% were contentious. Much debate has been expended oan considerin' how til make this 10% mair like the 90%, but I think we're comin' at it frae the wrang angle. Insteid o' makin' these parades fit wi' the rest, the lang term solution is til make sure thit every parade includes somethin' that offends someone or o'er. Eventually all parades will be so offensive that we all secretly agree they shud be banned, but at the same time everyone will be glad to see that the o'er surt are bein' offended. No one will turn up to protest, and no one will take part. Thus every parade must include Republicans, Loyalists, Gays, Lesbians, Feminists, Racists, Perverts, Satanists, Fundamentalist Christians, Homophobes and the French.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>The Past:</b><br />
<br />
The past in Norn Iron is a very contentious area. Naebudy unnerstans it but everybudy wants fur til live in it, an at the end o' the day there isnae enough room. The versions o' the past we attempt fur til live in are tae wee, generally quite narrow an' poorly put taegither, a bit like livin' in a caravan in Ballyhalbert. The past must therefore be extended - adding a metaphorical conservatory or a roofspace conversion - until it has a bit mair room fur differen' folk, is better lit, an' maybe has nicer curtains.<br />
<br />
The way fur til achieve this is til pay me til write it.<br />
<br />
Enjoy your stay Ambassador, an' mind thit if ye want to keep the peace, dinnae furget til share oot yer Fererro Rocher in a just an' equitable manner.<br />
<br />
Love<br />
Professor Billy McWilliams.<br />
xo<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-37609167771044483332013-09-17T21:34:00.001+01:002013-09-17T21:34:53.205+01:00Edwin Poots to build "Giant Ark".<p><b>"Sure why not?" says Minister.</b></p>
<p>In an interview due to be published at some point in the near future*, Stormont's controversial Minister for Health Edwin Poots has revealed that he intends to build a gigantic boat of biblical proportions in a field outside Culcavy. </p>
<p>"God's vengeful wrath is a very clear and present danger" he argued, "and all the other big boats we have in Northern Ireland aren't fit for purpose when it comes to saving a small amount of folk and bastes in the event of a global flood. The way I see it, the Lord must be at the end of his rope with our behaviour. Everywhere you look it's wall to wall fruits, people drinking alcohol after 10pm, women not wearing hats, the BBC picking on me and builders swearing at themselves during working hours. I, for one, have had enough."</p>
<p>Asked why he intended to use public money to pay for what amounted to a personal crusade, rather than seek funding through religious organisations, the Minister was quick to defend his proposal. "I am the Minister for Health," he explained, "and what could be more important to the health of the nation than saving mankind from a watery demise? Anyway, the jobs boost for the Lagan Valley area will more that justify the expense."</p>
<p>Warming to his topic, Minister Poots went on to elaborate on the logistics of his plan. "The Ark will be bigger than any boat ever seen in the Culcavy area, and I'll make sure that we bring in two of every type of Presbyterian, and of every edible animal. If there's room we'll allow Methodists on, and Lemurs. I like Lemurs."</p>
<p>The Minister was then further pressed on his justification for such a massive drain on public finances. "Look, I've read the Bible," he explained, "and pretty much nothing annoys Jesus more than two boys kissing, apart from maybe two boys kissing in a pub after 10pm in a city with no flag on its council offices . All that loving your neighbour stuff comes second to boys kissing and, by coincidence, other things I don't like. Therefore I am right and youse are all wrong."</p>
<p>"Anyway, the SDLP are going to spend all that plastic bag tax money on building a giant statue of the Pope in Downpatrick, and Sinn Fein are moving the Grand Opera House to Crossmaglen."</p>
<p>"It's called democracy."<br><br></p>
<p><i>*interview may not take place.</i></p>
Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-12268936933491975332013-08-29T17:32:00.001+01:002013-08-29T22:41:36.381+01:00Say it loud, I'm Black and I'm Proud.<h3>
Dear Belfast Newsletter, </h3>
<div>
<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi90TrnGeBTobzaLz12QwwX5mdiF_-sKbsDH2x2pSf6NJrq4yDT1oMiJhxQh4GsKYKvZSt5PQ30vM66_uevET2QIpGUNQcv2EfSeD9ILXjTP9td4Kvrn2zpEUu57ZJZAcpJAGCs6EdixAE/s1600/1341678747-gay-pride-london-2012_1319971.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi90TrnGeBTobzaLz12QwwX5mdiF_-sKbsDH2x2pSf6NJrq4yDT1oMiJhxQh4GsKYKvZSt5PQ30vM66_uevET2QIpGUNQcv2EfSeD9ILXjTP9td4Kvrn2zpEUu57ZJZAcpJAGCs6EdixAE/s320/1341678747-gay-pride-london-2012_1319971.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div>
By the time youse read this letter we will have drawn the curtain on that most hallowed time of the year - the marching season. At this stage only the Royal Black Preceptory's special day out - Black Saturday - remains, and as usual I have perused the pages of this fine newspaper to locate the various parades. I thus note that the Sir Knights (a bit of tautology there perhaps?) of Co Down are assembling in Banbridge, for what will surely be a most auspicious parade. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
However I also note an event clash of epic proportions in that County for on the same day there is a Big Jessie event thing in Newry - namely their Gay Pride Festival. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"This cannot be right", thunk I. "What of the Sir Knight who plays for the other team and wishes to join in the festivities of Newry? And what of those folk at Newry Pride who accept that oranges are not the only fruit, and would like to enjoy the parade in Banbridge?" </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This is clearly an oversight on the part of the organisers of each event, and a clash that should be avoided in future years. However it has a occurred to me that we should treat this as an opportunity rather than as a problem. For why shouldn't the two groups sit down and come up with a combined event in Newry City in 2014? The benefits for each side are manifold, as I shall detail below:</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>The Loyal Orders get to hold a parade in Newry - by now a mainly Nationalist town full of the other surt. </li>
<li>The Shinners and their puppet resident's groups can't object for they like to let on they're all into the Gays, and wouldn't want to be accused of being homophones.</li>
<li>The Gays get a whole load of men in uniform to take part in their parade and lots of folk to look at them.</li>
<li>By calling it "Black Pride" we might even get coloured folk to join in, and they could bring over some of those steel bands from thon big Twelfth type parade they have in Notting Hill.</li>
<li>This is bound to be coming down with grants, for it has more communities in it than you can shake a stick at, so we'd all be quids in.</li>
</ul>
<div>
I, of course, am happy to make myself available to co-ordinate the efforts to combine these events, in return for a large fee.</div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Lots of Love</div>
<div>
Professor Billy McWilliams</div>
<div>
xoxoxo</div>
Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-58126859014291883472013-08-17T11:16:00.001+01:002013-08-17T14:30:34.317+01:00An Open Letter from Peter Rabinson.Youse will all be aware that Peter Rabinson signaled a change in DUP palicy on the future of the Maze Prison site with a big long letter til the papers during the week there. What yis might nat know, is that this letter was was Rabinson's second attempt to negotiate the complex issue, and that an earlier version of the letter was drawn up by himself and senior party colleagues. However the First Minister got cold feet , and instead writ the letter which caused such a furoary during the week.<br />
<br />
That first draft of the letter has been passed to us here at the 1690 affices by a DUP insider, and we can exclusively reveal Rabinson's original thoughts on the matter - with pictures, the lot.<br />
<br />
<h3>
<b>An Open Letter from First Minister P</b><b><div style="display: inline !important;">
<div style="display: inline !important;">
<div style="display: inline !important;">
<div style="display: inline !important;">
<b>eter Robinson, <strike>MP</strike>, MLA.</b></div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</b></h3>
<i><br /></i>
<i>Dear DUP Folk, Unionist People, Jim Allister, Belfast Newsletter, Jimmy Nesbitt and Marty,</i><br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8-7rbY8mCm3_Up8ceV9L0Bi2tbjh84udtucOobqhq5vWdEkgM-SxmFlj79UEn1KtJBNQHQ6yqYk4IOmtUhuXEP_XnvrGd93aCGwxZ9gQM1sjijcHlLFq5RWug-U0xxcLCVC45HP1uO6BY/s1600/Robbo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8-7rbY8mCm3_Up8ceV9L0Bi2tbjh84udtucOobqhq5vWdEkgM-SxmFlj79UEn1KtJBNQHQ6yqYk4IOmtUhuXEP_XnvrGd93aCGwxZ9gQM1sjijcHlLFq5RWug-U0xxcLCVC45HP1uO6BY/s320/Robbo.jpg" width="225" /></a>As youse will all know I am on my holidays in the America with Iris, but even while relaxing abroad I have been giving a wild lot of thought to the Maze Prison and what should be done with it. I've decided that the current plans are not cross community enough, failing til reflect all of the different aspects of our troubled history. Therefore I have come up with a class plan that will cover all the angles, with a range of buildings and facilities that will interpret our past in a sensitive and equitable manner. This I would like to present til youse now for til look at.<br />
<br />
<b>The Car Park.</b><br />
<br />
The first thing any visitor sees when they go to somewhere is the car park. This facility should be as inclusive as possible, a facility which looks to the future while at the same time addressing our troubled past. Thus all signage in the carpark should be multi-bilingual - Car Park for English speakers, An Cyar Parc for Irish Language enthusiasts, and Yoke Spat for the Ulster Scot. In order to help visitors gain an insight into life here during the troubles all vehicles will be searched by a military patrol on arrival, with one random car a day blown up by the army in a controlled explosion.<br />
<br />
<b>The Visitor Centre</b><br />
<br />
If allowed to park by the army, visitors will then make their way to the Welcome Area, or "Holding Centre" as it will also be known. They will be greeted by some civilian searchers and frisked thoroughly before paying a huge sum of money and making their way through a set of security gates into the centre itself. It is essential that the site's exhibition provides the visitor with a fair, unbiased and historically accurate interpretation of our past, so all visitors will be asked which foot they kick with on arrival. Depending on their answer, they will make their way into one of two separate facilities, each one thoroughly examining how themuns started it.<br />
<br />
<b>The Gift Shap/Canteen</b><br />
<br />
No visitor experience is complete without a badly made, overpriced sangwich and the purchase of a piece of souvenir plastic tat, and the Maze prison will be no exception. The Bobby Sands Canteen will have something for all tastes, offering snacks and meals in a relaxed yet politically charged environment, with chicken suppers a speciality. Meanwhile the Gusty Spence gift shap will sell all manner of troubles related memorabilia as well as a wide range of illegal substances and protection services. I'm not sure who will run the gift shap, but Iris reckons she has just the boy to help out in the canteen.<br />
<br />
<b>Toilet facilities. </b><br />
<br />
Goes without saying that these must be covered in shite at all times.<br />
<br />
<h3>
<b>The Peace and Reconciliation Centre. </b></h3>
<br />
I have thunk long and hard about this, and have come to the conclusion that whatever we build at the Maze must help to build a better future, as well a interpreting our difficult past. Therefore I am proposing that we turn the centre into a 'micro-campus' of themed buildings, dedicated to the promotion of both Business and the Arts. Each one must help to improve the employment prospects of our people, while at the same time acknowledging the role of key individuals from across the political divide. These will include.....<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxO60xs834EGx_3EZKev3xSnrJTF-HgpfHl9NEW2EBBZT56ZdLb706L-yEv-KE1pmBECXJ43K4B-MuAusZfrIajU1L_NbfM0avN9PP3sllOQbeVw1C6tu8lc-gNqjbqk7eDIMKJeVlvL2G/s1600/423489_508811535800262_1931009136_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxO60xs834EGx_3EZKev3xSnrJTF-HgpfHl9NEW2EBBZT56ZdLb706L-yEv-KE1pmBECXJ43K4B-MuAusZfrIajU1L_NbfM0avN9PP3sllOQbeVw1C6tu8lc-gNqjbqk7eDIMKJeVlvL2G/s320/423489_508811535800262_1931009136_n.jpg" width="320" /></a><b>The Lord Laird of Artigarvan School of Marketing. </b><br />
<br />
Students at this centre will be invited to learn the key tenets of business and marketing by studying the work of one of Ulster Unionism's finest brains. Marvel at how he turned the Belfast Twelfth into the cultural extravaganza that is Orangefest, leaving behind the drunken violence of the past, learn how you too can be paid by different interest groups for doing absolutely nothing in the House of Lords.<br />
<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRAegIgzrgDi85LcSnk9vbtjQR10AplmyqIRJfU8npy3RmBIOdvnBNMb_L_7r9MBF90jG2P9Lynocgv48vJmDEbq2ameqMgKFUxruMsny4MrLkMb2a3c1NkKMtjQDq2ulC-jFyd7qTZ14l/s1600/1006171_668463206501760_979662831_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRAegIgzrgDi85LcSnk9vbtjQR10AplmyqIRJfU8npy3RmBIOdvnBNMb_L_7r9MBF90jG2P9Lynocgv48vJmDEbq2ameqMgKFUxruMsny4MrLkMb2a3c1NkKMtjQDq2ulC-jFyd7qTZ14l/s320/1006171_668463206501760_979662831_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<b>The Gerry Kelly School of Escapology. </b><br />
<br />
Dog acts and urban dance troupes have been sweeping the boards at Britain's Got Talent, but where is the 21st Century's Harry Houdini? He is, of course, up at Stormont, but is willing to share his knowledge with a new generation of young people eager to learn how to get out of chained up boxes dangling from helicopters. Kelly will demonstrate his patented escapology techniques, including Tunneling, Landrover Hang Gliding and Historical Airbrushing.<br />
<br />
<b>The Michael Stone Academy of the Performing Arts</b><br />
<br />
Northern Ireland has produced many great artists but few can surpass the genius of Michael Stone. Although indisposed at the moment, Stone has kindly agreed to provide video lectures on some of his finest work, including "Fat Man Stuck in a Door" and "A Walk in the Graveyard".<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQg1R2SnyAS_zXOQXjkezM67sGSIB9iKawpqpXWPEaDxZGeWQuiqC5dOz6xxnhHvUzQ214uFjCLiLKIMzFtVM_eNSLlUPiFPHNWS_Dl96hj3ZdD5bei5aeQQMYGoaCxZh_esGKrcDCehHS/s1600/Jamie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQg1R2SnyAS_zXOQXjkezM67sGSIB9iKawpqpXWPEaDxZGeWQuiqC5dOz6xxnhHvUzQ214uFjCLiLKIMzFtVM_eNSLlUPiFPHNWS_Dl96hj3ZdD5bei5aeQQMYGoaCxZh_esGKrcDCehHS/s320/Jamie.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<b>The Jamie Bryson School of Oratory.</b><br />
<br />
If we are going to take our place in the global marketplace it is essential that we promote our country as a place to do business. In recent years no-one has done more to promote Northern Ireland on the world stage than Jamie Bryson, with his fleg protests putting us on front pages around the world. Part of this must come down to Bryson's charismatic leadership, and he has very kindly agreed to provide lessons in speech writing, deportment and elocution for the political and business leaders of the future.<br />
<br />
<b>Child Care</b><br />
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<b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9xhELayGNR4zrfDfl01S2gNqH6Ul6VwgdbH6aiRTU0D-zl1UuCX96-qsm0aK60btFNXDbaB7rgBu5z9JiJgiiqMxxRVA81pKNYkThSIVopES-ecGEnVuKEZmsLGaE-DZfqRQdxNxRAyQZ/s1600/1334158918-sinn-fein-commemorate-the-1916-easter-rising-in-ireland--belfast_1148278.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9xhELayGNR4zrfDfl01S2gNqH6Ul6VwgdbH6aiRTU0D-zl1UuCX96-qsm0aK60btFNXDbaB7rgBu5z9JiJgiiqMxxRVA81pKNYkThSIVopES-ecGEnVuKEZmsLGaE-DZfqRQdxNxRAyQZ/s320/1334158918-sinn-fein-commemorate-the-1916-easter-rising-in-ireland--belfast_1148278.jpg" width="320" /></a></b></div>
<br />
The children of Northern Ireland attend separate schools, they visit different play parks, play different sports, support different teams. If we are to move forward as a people and as a country, it is essential that we build on this division, ensuring that the voters of the future know which camp they are in.<br />
<br />
Thus while the adults learn at the feet of some of Northern Ireland's finest brains, their children can play at the Long Creche childcare facility, with a series of historically themed workshops run by bigots that are guaranteed to keep their young minds closed. If they get sick of that they can have a go on a giant inflatable bouncy H Block or play Pin the Tail on Jim Allister.<br />
<br />
<b>Conclusion</b><br />
<br />
And so I must return to my holiday. A cool beer is waiting for me by the pool and Iris is getting ready to rub the factor 30 into my manly shoulders. But as I sign off I would urge all right thinking people to get behind these proposals, to accept the need to address our shared history, and to back me, Peter Rabinson, as we move forward into the 20th century.<br />
<br />
<i>Love </i><br />
<i>Peter Rabinson. MP, MLA</i><br />
<i>First and Deputy First Minister of Ulster.</i><br />
<i>xoxoxo</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-78105460987759554932013-07-02T18:47:00.002+01:002013-07-02T19:13:25.176+01:00Fleg Crisis Solved.Those of you what have fallyed this wabsite over the last wheen o' years will have noted that Ah havnae been postin' tae much o' late, somethin' fur whit Ah kin oany apalagise. Thus Ah hiv remained quiet durin' some momentous events - the G12 Summit, the Queen goin oan her hallydays til the Free State, the Arab Spring, and, o' coorse, the Fleg Crisis.<br />
<br />
As a tap academic Ah chose fur til remain aloof frae the proceedings, leaving the palitics til the paliticians an' thon boy Willie Frazer, bidin' ma time til quietly in the backgroun'. Howiver Ah think Ah micht hiv hit oan a solution til this crisis - yin which will allow both sides til move oan wi'oot loosin' face, an hiv thus contacted Belfast's new Laird Murr, a Shinner by the name o' Martin O'Muilleoir, wi ma proposal. This Ah hiv set oot fur yis below - it isnae in Ulster Scots, fur judgin' by the way he spells his name he'd hiv nae clue whit Ah' was oan aboot. Ah'm sure he kin git someyin til translate it frae English fur him.<br />
<br />
<b>The Right Honourable the Lord Mayor, Councillor Martin O'Muilleoir*</b><br />
<br />
<b>Dear Lord Mayor</b><br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTUo4iRYRT7K0-B4TCnimOztAAMExfyVWI-caKMa9N9G7uJ5lI6yyv0-flPzhutAC0m1AWBPbMmW55AkmUUXAIYlhYZ7zj5CMf_3l1j1gHCM5SYLY_13IhX3l9CRewSigZl7CezphSdihc/s440/Orangeway.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTUo4iRYRT7K0-B4TCnimOztAAMExfyVWI-caKMa9N9G7uJ5lI6yyv0-flPzhutAC0m1AWBPbMmW55AkmUUXAIYlhYZ7zj5CMf_3l1j1gHCM5SYLY_13IhX3l9CRewSigZl7CezphSdihc/s400/Orangeway.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
You will no doubt be aware that there has been something of a crisis in community relations in Belfast since the Alliance Party took the fleg down off City Hall last November. This crisis has been brewing for a long time, and it is now the perception amongst those of a Unionist persuasion that they are becoming second rate citizens in their own city. This is spilling over into all kind of bother, and I, for one, reckon that the marching season might be quare crack this year as a result.<br />
<br />
However I think that I might have hit on a possible solution to this problem, and therefore thought I'd get on til you. What is needed is a gesture from the Nationalist Camp which shows that they aren't always nicking stuff like flegs, and as a Shinner Mayor you'd be just the man to take my proposal forward - namely the renaming of the Comber Greenway as the Comber Orangeway.<br />
<br />
Now - I know what you're thinking - you're thinking 'That's crazy talk, McWilliams, that will never work!', but you'd be wrong. You see, a bit like the fleg being on the City Hall 365 days a year before Naomi Long took it down, the Greenway is called the GREENway 365 days a year. Green is, of course, the colour of the Free State (no offence) and, as such, it is a divisive colour which makes Unionists feel unwelcome. In the interests of parity of a steam it should be renamed the ORANGEway, thus reflecting the fact that it mainly passes through Unionist areas.<br />
<br />
However I accept that calling it the Orangeway all year round might irritate yousuns and, to be fair, it is right and Green in colour, so it could be called the Greenway on designated days - the anniversary of the Easter Rising for example, or Gerry Adams' Birthday.<br />
<br />
Anyway, you think about it, and give me a shout if you need any further advice on this or any other matter. (if it helps with your deliberations I've made a picture for you to look at.)<br />
<br />
Love<br />
Professor Billy McWilliams.<br />
xoProfessor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-39678475840876419362013-05-25T12:30:00.000+01:002013-05-25T12:30:14.195+01:00Sort it out Coca-Cola<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4CoS84p6dT0ypKOjWHXhKUyCALaESauzUtzTn26U84LA9nNG6df_LOgGR6b86b7ml4tNZE5kpsCdHZOA4KYwuFkp6N1YpSR-aixDbaUz-3yNNI7MuTx4uCKkc7FnCmb_WqduubJwQ422E/s1600/970541_598956906789758_712007108_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4CoS84p6dT0ypKOjWHXhKUyCALaESauzUtzTn26U84LA9nNG6df_LOgGR6b86b7ml4tNZE5kpsCdHZOA4KYwuFkp6N1YpSR-aixDbaUz-3yNNI7MuTx4uCKkc7FnCmb_WqduubJwQ422E/s400/970541_598956906789758_712007108_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px;">Dear Coca Cola</span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 15.453125px;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px;">I had occasion to be in Tesco Banbridge yesterday and was looking at getting one of your bottles with folk's names on them. I searched through the rack and was shacked to observe that nearly all the names were Free State names in the Irish language, such as Siobhan, Cian, Orla, Aoife etc, with very few names that would traditionally be viewed as from the Protestant culture, for example Billy, Sammy, Myrtle, Lily, Elizabeth, Edward and Basil.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px;"> </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px;">As I'm sure you are aware Northern Ireland has very strict equality legislation and although I haven't bothered looking it up yet I'm pretty sure this kind of thing would break it. I am going to get on to my MP about it, but thought I'd give you a chance to sort it out before I do. Last year was our Queen's Jubilee after all. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px;" /><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #333333; display: inline; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px;">I await your response with interest.</span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #333333; display: inline; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px;"><br />Love<br />Professor Billy McWilliams<br />xo</span>Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-64270659343390837602012-11-03T14:33:00.002+00:002012-11-03T14:33:38.422+00:00World Police and Pervert Games<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI3dUiDlIq9Q0cZiAeivTPPqLw3cLCCegRrYDD5M2pPC7j6gj5LKG763OAgYXgeVNbcpRHjffkP-IB1iHRf_GNqYkqvVxqI4UlKFViqKRLmxnCqWb3V-lhHMzi7uQtvxrQMVch9qIB9ALd/s1600/696358-frenchmaid.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI3dUiDlIq9Q0cZiAeivTPPqLw3cLCCegRrYDD5M2pPC7j6gj5LKG763OAgYXgeVNbcpRHjffkP-IB1iHRf_GNqYkqvVxqI4UlKFViqKRLmxnCqWb3V-lhHMzi7uQtvxrQMVch9qIB9ALd/s320/696358-frenchmaid.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">After a brief exchange of emails, I can confirm that DCAL are no fun at all. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;"><b>Dear Dcal </b></span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">As you'll be aware Northern Ireland is due to host the World Police and Fire Olympics next year. This is a momentous event, no doubt, and several of my friends have taken the opportunity to volunteer to work at the games.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">"All very good," I hear you say, "for why are you mailing us about it?" Well the thing is, all of the volunteer friends are women, and they arnae exactly in it for the love of sport. Basically they quite fancy men in uniform and so are going along in the hope of getting a coort with a Mountie. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">What's in it for the men I ask ye? Nothing, unless they are the gays, and thus there is a clear breach of the sex discrimination legislation, namely that things shouldn't be provided for one sex and not the other.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">However before I take you to the European Court of Sex, I am offering you a chance to redeem yourselves. For some time I have been planning a World Foxy Nurses and French Maids Olympics, and am seeking your support in holding it here, preferably in Banbridge so I can get to it without the Motor and so can have a wee drink. The nurses and French Maids will take part in a variety of events as diverse as the bouncing up and down, syncronised hair shaking, unsupported jogging and, of course, a lovely girls competition.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">You will have spotted a flaw in my plan I am sure, namely the numerical advantage he French will hold in the French Maids area. This will be circumvented by allowing other nationalities to include maids, under the STRICT understanding that they wear the correct outfit.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">Anyway, I look forward to hearing for you and the receipt of my grant cheque.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">Love</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">Professor Billy McWilliams.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">Xo</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;"><b>Dear Sir,</b></span><br />
<b><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;" /></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">Thank-you for your email of 30th October 2012 which has been considered and held on file. There is no facility within the Department for providing grant directly to any organisation. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">Thank you,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">2013 Projects Team.</span>Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-91845470616783494202012-09-15T18:13:00.001+01:002012-09-15T18:15:06.564+01:00<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">online@tesco.co.uk </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">Dear Tesco</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">I was in one of your big shops today (the one in Banbridge) getting beer and the like and noticed that you still have a fair stock of thon Fifty Shades of Grey books. I had a wee read for a while, and admit they're not bad in places. A wee bit too much of the old bondage for my liking, but there's no accounting for taste. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">Anyway, that's not the point. You had thon book, and a rake of similar books called things like Her Deepest Desires or Her Secret Lady Garden or whatever, but they were all what I would loosely call "Lady Porn". This left me unfulfilled so I thought I'd go to your magazine section and get some proper old fashioned porn, Razzle or Asian Babes or Fat and Forty or whatever, only to find that you have NO man porn, aside from Nuts and Zoo. Thesuns aren't really proper porn, and wouldn't do the job, so to speak.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">I would like to know why you have adopted this sexist attitude to porn, and consider it OK to sell books where women get the bejaysus whipped aff them by a pervert, but don't sell stuff where men can look at women and think how pretty they look and the like. I checked the European Convention of Human Rights, and it supports my position, so I expect to see your magazine section suitably replete with filth within the next few weeks.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">Love </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">Professor Billy McWilliams. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">xo</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">PS When I say "Man Porn" I don't mean porn for the Gays. You can have that too if you want, but make sure it's labelled right for I looked at some by accident one time and near boked.</span>
Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-82245379910612601312012-09-13T17:17:00.002+01:002012-09-13T18:12:34.006+01:00Northern Ireland is Full of Arseholes, claims report.A report published today by a top academic has revealed some startling statistics about Northern Ireland. Far from being a land of welcoming people moving forward into a new, shared future the country is in fact full of complete wankers.<br />
<br />
The report was commissioned in response to a number of events and developments over the summer months such as:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Parades controversies </li>
<li>Debate over the nationality of golfers and Olympians</li>
<li>Discussions over the new exhibition up at the Giant's Causeway</li>
<li>Stuff about the gays and drink.</li>
</ul>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The academic, who does not want to be named for illegal reasons, explained that he had observed the shenanigans over the summer and noted stuff down in a big book. Then he had drew some graphs about it. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Graph 1.</b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
The figures obtained by the academic indicate a high prevalence of general arseholery. This is generally revealed by an ability to ignore basic facts and an inability to understand anyone else's point of view. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjofMRrvdQ7sTEO9Wojy5vbHnmbHJcxtW7DtUW4C-wR3lkKcupACTWYkd7qXPHcCDi5zkEE4ZBPWEH_gWoAGSZw50edJO3LPmR_XejMhxuThFYmr5H3lnbjwT-V_TgE796KPP5htpXbV3Sg/s1600/Arseholes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjofMRrvdQ7sTEO9Wojy5vbHnmbHJcxtW7DtUW4C-wR3lkKcupACTWYkd7qXPHcCDi5zkEE4ZBPWEH_gWoAGSZw50edJO3LPmR_XejMhxuThFYmr5H3lnbjwT-V_TgE796KPP5htpXbV3Sg/s400/Arseholes.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Graph 2.</b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This high prevalence of arseholery was reflected in the pastimes of the local population. </div>
<div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLyMsCVX__fNJkbwTE7dp6rXbPJ5cUYE5_nRTcxcRm14sFFgr5zsxbIapuUubzUq-tT_pi_iwEzYRQ1QueP3PCkuMN8Z1Sp2Ry-aNu6DV7J235uq_wFdTJfpx8t7HHSAC_p0zdmGtg5N1a/s1600/People+like+to+do.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLyMsCVX__fNJkbwTE7dp6rXbPJ5cUYE5_nRTcxcRm14sFFgr5zsxbIapuUubzUq-tT_pi_iwEzYRQ1QueP3PCkuMN8Z1Sp2Ry-aNu6DV7J235uq_wFdTJfpx8t7HHSAC_p0zdmGtg5N1a/s400/People+like+to+do.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Graph 3</b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This further impacts on the standard of debate locally, all forms of the media reflecting the general principle below. This is clearly demonstrated in the social media, the letters pages of the papers and on the Nolan show. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx7NYtJDxNdLavJZmBuPRyf4cZNYRo3Ta5WikkmA72q_gBCF7lIaR0Hzj3rSDPXN9wbT-mp92xHgyLA4-sGVuHpWXL3dZuroLT7a5JtK6qS2eq5FL7K4w76q8QyeT5CESEZO1X4l2uKkKF/s1600/Debate.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx7NYtJDxNdLavJZmBuPRyf4cZNYRo3Ta5WikkmA72q_gBCF7lIaR0Hzj3rSDPXN9wbT-mp92xHgyLA4-sGVuHpWXL3dZuroLT7a5JtK6qS2eq5FL7K4w76q8QyeT5CESEZO1X4l2uKkKF/s400/Debate.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Graph 4.</b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
All debate will somehow involve religion. If crisps is the subject of the debate, someone will manage to find a quote about how the Lord separated the good crisps from the bad crisps then fed the bad ones to Gay folk or something.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9kvVbQ2wCTSovFMRtF9CFw3Ni0FDmhhZA27QlL8MSVT2tBci_d0RmtwddlCiw5NaNzgPV28B5sMlbkOI0GPmvjTFRuZnoIbSjI3fGnwSofRvqrl77DjbPsdH4QIHmCyiZBsOiiQap9rOV/s1600/God.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9kvVbQ2wCTSovFMRtF9CFw3Ni0FDmhhZA27QlL8MSVT2tBci_d0RmtwddlCiw5NaNzgPV28B5sMlbkOI0GPmvjTFRuZnoIbSjI3fGnwSofRvqrl77DjbPsdH4QIHmCyiZBsOiiQap9rOV/s400/God.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Graph 5.</b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
These factors are reflected in the deliberations of our politicians. Mike Nesbitt is excluded from this, as he only cares about golf and rugby.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQm6lJYV80CZW8EmYShLGYLx-ngRdqyIi3y8L0qoDdWLBZWyuA-yABGQmCCVQce_2lK8I5zoabl84-Jn0Tfr4iWbo7GcpzDLBwMujknBaHWv8K2pu0EIS080fJgkl98PuoRwcIDAmUwLaL/s1600/Politicians+talk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQm6lJYV80CZW8EmYShLGYLx-ngRdqyIi3y8L0qoDdWLBZWyuA-yABGQmCCVQce_2lK8I5zoabl84-Jn0Tfr4iWbo7GcpzDLBwMujknBaHWv8K2pu0EIS080fJgkl98PuoRwcIDAmUwLaL/s400/Politicians+talk.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The report also showed:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>A high number of folk who complain a lot about stuff but never get off their arses to anything about it.</li>
<li>A complete lack of respect for anyone's achievements, sporting or academic. </li>
<li>A high percentage of lazy bastards who blame everyone else for the situation they find themselves in.</li>
<li>The news is becoming unwatchable as it makes you want to stick your foot through the TV set.</li>
<li>That for a nation that prides itself in its "sense of humour" the people have a great deal of difficulty in seeing the humour in anything that does not pander to their preconceived notions of the world and are quick to complain about things being "offensive".</li>
<li>Everything on local TV is shit, apart from Jackie Fullerton.</li>
</ul>
In conclusion the academic revealed that this combination of factors means he can no longer be arsed and is henceforth retiring.</div>
Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-35431065770107779692012-06-18T19:15:00.001+01:002012-08-05T15:51:32.759+01:00A Quare PokeWhit wi' <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2160862/Fifty-Shades-Of-Grey-book-outstrips-Harry-Potter-fastest-selling-paperback-time.html">this doll makin' a fortune oot o' wrichtin' durty buiks</a>, Ah hiv decided til branch oot frae ma normal academic wurk, an' move intil the realm o' Ulster Scots durty fiction. Ah've thus sent this til the Mills an' Boon affices. A wee taster, sae til spake......<br />
<br />
<b>Dear Mills an' Boon folk.</b><br />
<br />
Ah was lukkin' in the paper taeday an' note thit some doll in the America has made a wild lot o' money oot o' wrichtin' durty buiks, an' am aware thit yousuns publish similar fiction. Now whit yis micht nat know is that there is a patentially untapped market fur durty buiks here in Norn Ireland, namely amung the Ulster Scots ladies. As a Professor o' Ulster Scots, an' somethin' o' a pervert, Ah am well placed til praduce buiks in the hamely tongue fur yousuns, an' thunk Ah'd send ye a wee draft fur yer consideration. Ah am callin' it "A Quare Poke" - a wee play oan wurds fur ye see in Ulster Scots a Quare Poke cud be a big ice cream cone, or a good auld bit o' hat action.<br />
<br />
<h3>
A Quare Poke</h3>
<b>
Plot synapsis</b><br />
<br />
Wilbert Armstrong has bin hired fur til dae a bit o' wurk oan the farm o' Lady Lovely Lesley Flockhart. She traits Wilbert wi' contempt, but secertly her womanly urges are attractin' her til the her new labourer.<br />
<br />
<b>
Chapter 3.</b><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRDmTXtgZNaGjgEtRN1sfhx_fAvVbrf93sDQgKZ3Eo6GO3fFGBQLaRYsyzHOVPBZnNcHSY1sT7jMxewZMndH_osCvSbzKcUtjOGXurCmrXV1m74wTf5MGccK3dEWrRYffu6SMAPP9arigm/s1600/Poke.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRDmTXtgZNaGjgEtRN1sfhx_fAvVbrf93sDQgKZ3Eo6GO3fFGBQLaRYsyzHOVPBZnNcHSY1sT7jMxewZMndH_osCvSbzKcUtjOGXurCmrXV1m74wTf5MGccK3dEWrRYffu6SMAPP9arigm/s1600/Poke.jpg" /></a></div>
Wilbert dismounted aff his Massey Ferguson 135 an' strode manfully across the field. His muscular back shone oot in the sun, as Lady Flockhart eyed him wi' a mixture o' contempt an' lust. Wilbert hid noticed thit she was spendin' a wile lock o' time lukkin' at how he handled his tool, an' as he bent til hoke oot the spuds, he was wile feart that she was about fur til lay him aff.<br />
<br />
Howiver Lady Flockhart had a differn type o' layin' oan her mind. Smiling til hersel, she calt o'er til Wilbert. "Armstrong, I wish to speak with you, urgently." Wilbert sighed deeply, an' raised his taut frame til its full heicht. "Richt awa' Ma Lady," he replied, turnin' fur til dander o'er til his mistress. "Not here, Armstrong" she yelped back at him, "my office, in 20 minutes".<br />
<br />
Wilburt was heart feart but ne'ertheless flung his massive tool o'er his shaulder. "Lady Flockhart is a quare cuddy," he thunk, "But she has a bake oan her like a dunkle, an' a temper til match. Ah'm fur hapin' she disnae gie me the sack, whit wi' the rent due an' the like." Dispondently he climbed slowly intil the cab o' his tractur, an' driv taewards the hoose.<br />
<br />
<b>
Chapter 4.</b><br />
<br />
On enterin' Lady Flockhart's affice, Wilbert foun' his employer lyin' languidly oan a couch. "Sit down Armstrong," she ordered, indicatin' an auld chair by the fire.<br />
<br />
Wilbert did as he was taul, settlin' beside the roarin' flames as he nervously fingered wi' his ring. "Tea?" asked Lady Flockhart as she rose and walked o'er til a wee table. Wilbert was thirsty frae his wurk, an' the hate o' the fire was raisin' a quare sweat oan him. "Thank ye, yer ladyship," he replied "Ah hiv a quare drooth oan me an' wud appreciate somethin' hat an' wet".<br />
<br />
Lady Flockhart grasped the handle o' the pat an' poured the steamin' liquid into her milky white cups. "Would you like to try one of my baps?" she asked, "I can butter them if you like?"<br />
<br />
Wilbert's confusion grew. "Fur why," he thunk, "is she bein' nice to me taeday?" as he stammered an answer in the affirmative.<br />
<br />
"I do enjoy providing my staff with an ample spread" said her Ladyship, as she pushed her baps across the table to Wilbert.<br />
<br />
<i>to be continued........</i><br />
<br />
Anyhow, that's the idea. Let me ken how much yis will pay me fur it an' Ah'll wricht the rest o' it.<br />
<br />
Love<br />
Professor Billy McWilliams.Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-52129925637701102552012-05-15T21:01:00.002+01:002012-08-05T15:53:59.325+01:00Euro 2020 Tap Secret Negotiations.<div style="text-align: right;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Havin' been rejected in ma quest fur a sister toon fur Banbridge, Ah note that the <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2012/may/15/scotland-wales-republic-euro-2020">Free State is tae join wi' Scotland an' Wales in a bid for the Euro 2012 fitba.</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiB-6dVQfS3PCfzqNcUm7GVKBr0Y7S5tCFQxzM-wJEZQLeDrp492c02ewCrqngTLEQCtwXMu9DzX222KVwO_LuRvxsb0uayX4xVHFq7_soct2Ja1R62y7FcVFArVL4BvkHwh55WvQ9rTxjw/s1600/faroes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiB-6dVQfS3PCfzqNcUm7GVKBr0Y7S5tCFQxzM-wJEZQLeDrp492c02ewCrqngTLEQCtwXMu9DzX222KVwO_LuRvxsb0uayX4xVHFq7_soct2Ja1R62y7FcVFArVL4BvkHwh55WvQ9rTxjw/s1600/faroes.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Faroe Islands, luk a bit like the Copelands.
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nat tae be ootdun, Ah hiv duly emailed the Faroe Islands Football Association. Ah stuck this through Google Translate. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Greetings Faroe islanders</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I write from Northern Ireland, which, you will know, is a country not too far from your country. I am sorry for my use of words, I have put this message through Google Translate and do not know what it will come out like. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'd like to make a suggestion for your football federation. As you may know, the Republic of Ireland, Scotland and Wales are together making a bid to host the 2020 European Football Championships. I am a bit angry that no one invited us to take part, and was thinking that perhaps our two countries should get together and make a bid? This plan would allow both our nations to qualify for the Euros, and for both our Federations to make a lot of money. We use pounds here, what do you folk use? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our two nations have much in common. Your nation is quite small, and so is ours. No one ever takes any notice of either of our countries and we both talk in quite odd accents. Neither of our nations is very good at football, but we still play and don't like being picked on by our bigger neighbours. Here in Northern Ireland we have a place called Strangford. Vikings gave it that name, and you folk are Vikings. Jim Shannon lives near it, you won't have heard of him, but he is very famous here, and a bit mental. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Please keep the contents of this email secret, as these plans are at a preliminary stage. If you don't want to take part we might ask either Iceland or Germany to join us, but you are closer, so we thought we would give you first call. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Many thanks</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Professor Billy McWilliams</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">xo</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When it goes through Google Translate it luks like this, amusingly.....</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Kveðja</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Færeyjar</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Vestmannaeyingar</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Ég</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">skrifa</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps atn" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">frá Norður-</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Írlandi</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">, sem</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">,</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">þú vilja vita</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">,</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">er land</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">ekki</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">of</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">langt frá</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">landi</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">þínu</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">.</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Ég</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"></span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">er hryggur</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">fyrir</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">notkun</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">mína</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">á</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">orðum</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">,</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">hef ég</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">sett</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">þessi skilaboð</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">í gegnum</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">google translate og</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">veit</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">ekki</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">hvað</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">það mun</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">koma út</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">eins og</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">.</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;" /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Mig langar</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">til að</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">gera tillögu</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">um</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">sambandsríki</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">fótbolta</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">þinn</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">.</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Eins og þú</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">mega vita</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">,</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"></span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">eru</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">á Írlandi</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">, Skotlandi</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">og Wales</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">saman</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">að gera</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">tilboð</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">til að hýsa</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">2020</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">European</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"></span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Football</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Championships</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">.</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Ég er</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">dálítið</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">reið</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">að</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">enginn</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">bauð</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">okkur</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">að taka</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">þátt</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">,</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">og</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"></span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">var</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">að hugsa um að</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">kannski</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">tvö</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">lönd</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">okkar</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">ætti að</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">koma saman</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">og</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">gera</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">tilboð</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">?</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"></span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Þessi áætlun</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">myndi gera</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">bæði</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">þjóðir</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">okkar</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">til að vera hæfur</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">fyrir</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">evrur</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">,</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">og</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">fyrir</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">bæði</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"></span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">ríkjasambönd</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">okkar</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">að</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">gera mikið af</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">peningum</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">.</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Við notum</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">£</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">hér</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">,</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">hvað</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">gerir þú</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">fólk</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"></span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">nota</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">?</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;" /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Tvær</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">þjóðir</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">okkar hafa</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">mikið</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">sameiginlegt</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">.</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Þjóð</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">þín</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">er</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">alveg</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">lítill</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">,</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">og</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">svo</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">er okkar</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">.</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"></span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Enginn tekur</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">alltaf</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">allir</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">tilkynningu um</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">hvort</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">af</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">löndum</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">okkar</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">og við</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">bæði</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">tal</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">í</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">nokkuð</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"></span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">stakur</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">kommur</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">.</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Hvorki</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">þjóða</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">okkar</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">er</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">mjög</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">góður í</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">fótbolta</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">,</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">en</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">við spilum</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">enn</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">og</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"></span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">gera</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">ekki</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">eins og að vera</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">valinn</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">á</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">eftir</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">stærri</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">nágranna</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">okkar</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">.</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Hér</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">á Norður-Írlandi</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"></span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">við höfum</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">stað</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">sem heitir</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Strangford</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">.</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Víkingar</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">gaf</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">það nafn</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">,</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">og</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">þú</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">menn eru</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"></span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Víkingar</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">.</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Jim</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Shannon</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">býr</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">nálægt</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">henni</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">,</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">verður þú</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">ekki</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">hafa</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">heyrt</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">af honum</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">,</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">en</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">hann</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"></span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">er</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">mjög</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">frægur</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">hér</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">,</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">og</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">svolítið</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">andlega</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">.</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;" /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Vinsamlegast hafðu</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">innihald</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">þessa</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">tölvupósts</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">leyndarmál</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">,</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">sem</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">þessar</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">áætlanir</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">eru</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"></span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">á</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">fyrstu</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">stigum</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">.</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Ef</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">þú</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">vilt ekki</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">að</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">taka</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">þátt</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">við gætum</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">beðið</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">annaðhvort</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Ísland eða</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"></span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Þýskalandi</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">til að</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">tengja okkur</span><span class="" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">,</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">en</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">þú</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">ert</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">nær</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">,</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">þannig að það</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">myndi gefa</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">þér</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">að hringja</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">fyrst</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">.</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;" /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">margir</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">takk</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Prófessor</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">Billy</span><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;"> </span><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">McWilliams</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="hps" style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333;">xo</span></span>Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-24928074785358705902012-04-25T15:23:00.000+01:002012-08-05T15:53:10.197+01:00Ask not what your council can do for you......<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Was thinkin' it was time Ah did ma bit for the local economy, so put ma head taegither an' came up wi' a brainwave. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ah hiv thus writ til the city goverment o' Houston, Texas, an' await their reply.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dear Leslie (Head o' Twinning for Houston, so she is)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was having a look on line there and noticed that youse folk in Houston have lots of sister cities across the whole world, but not as yet in Northern Ireland.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There is a coincidence, I thought to myself, as I live in Northern Ireland, and live in a town that isn't twinned with anywhere in Texas, namely Banbridge.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now to be fair Banbridge is a bit smaller than Houston, and wouldn't really come under the heading of "City" but it does have its own council with a website and everything - <a href="http://www.banbridge.com/home.asp">http://www.banbridge.com/home.asp</a> - and has several things that might interest youse in Texas.</span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It has a shop called Houston's. Houston is what your city is called. What about that for a coincidence? Houston's is going through a little bit of financial difficulty it seems, you might have seen it on the news. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sam Houston, what built Houston (the city, not the shop in Banbridge), his folk came from Northern Ireland. Admittedly they came from Co Antrim, a wee place called Ballyboley, but Ballyboley doesn't have a council with a website and a shop called Houston's.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Davy Crockett. I'm sure youse have heard of him. His folk came from here as well, although again not around the Banbridge district. There is even a wee song called "Davy Crockett's Da Came from Donemana" (that's up in Tyrone), though to be fair I'm not that sure if there's any truth in that. If youse were to twin with us we could go up and have a look. I went to school with a boy called Crockett and he might be related. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Educational links. Now we don't have a University in the area like what youse have but we do have a rake of schools. I have no doubt that folks in your schools could come over and visit and learn some stuff. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Industrial links. Banbridge has next to no industry any more. It used to have a lot of linen mills in the old days, but they're near all shut now, and it used to have a shoe factory, but it is being turned into houses. So I was thinking we could maybe borrow some of your industries and get a bit of work out of it. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Game of Thrones. They film a lot of it in an old linen mill near here, I'll bet you didn't know that? And sure Americans watch it, so there is a link right there! I don't have satellite or cable TV so I don't know if it is any good, though I'm told there's a fair bit of nudey stuff going on, so I might try and get it on DVD. </span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, I'm sure that's whet your appetite for a good old twinning? What I was thinking is that maybe you folk could pop over and I'd show youse round and about the town. We could go to a couple of pubs and have a bit of crack (Irish crack, not the drugs). You could maybe stay in the Downshire Hotel, but if money's tight I could put a couple of folk up and I'm sure my da would look after a couple more. Then maybe you could fly me and a couple of friends over to have a wee look around Texas. Sorry I can't afford the flights myself, but I'm clean broke. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway, if you have any questions, give me a shout. I look forward to meeting youse all. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Lots of Love</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Professor Billy McWilliams</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Head of Twinning</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Banbridge</span></div>Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-14145962427395416912012-03-26T21:55:00.000+01:002012-08-05T15:57:17.466+01:00Ulster Unionist Laidership BidAh hiv giv it much thought, an' listened til the advice o' frens, luved yins, an' party colleagues, an' hiv decided fur til launch ma ring intil the hat in a bid til become the next laider o' the Ulster Conservative an' Unionist an' nat Conservative Anymair Unionist Party.<br />
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It is nat a decision Ah hiv tuk lightly. After ma <a href="http://1690andallthat.blogspot.co.uk/2010/09/unionist-laidership-election.html">rejection the last time roun'</a> Ah giv serious consideration til withdrawin frae Palitics completely, but feel that Ulster has reached a position o' real crisis, an' that real laidership is required.<br />
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Thus Ah hiv observed the thinkin' o' the twa candidates fur the Unionist leadership, namely James Nesbitt an' John McCallister, an' hiv decided that neither man is the richt yin fur the jab. Rather it will take someone wi' a rare qualities til lead the party intil the 20th Century, a man wi' rare vision.<br />
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Ah believe that Ah am that rare lukkin' man. Ah will make the Party luk forward, nat back, upwards, nat doon, sideways, nat the o'er sideways. Ah will build a party that represents both these folk an' the o'er folk, the animals an' the vegetables, the fish an' the fowl. Ah will unite the broad Ulster Scots community behine a vision so rare thit yid be lucky til see it in a zoo. Ah will reinvigorate the economy an' Ah will make Ulster grate again.<br />
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An Ah will dae it using the twa gratest things Ulster his iver produced - A big sinkin' ship thing, an' Golf.<br />
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<b>Yin </b>- Hiv a big Pro Am Celebrity Titanic Themed Golf Event at Royal Portrush in County Down.<br />
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<b>Twa</b> - Organise a Golf themed Titanic event in Strangford Lough wi' mair Pros an' Ams an' Celebrities an' make folk like it.<br />
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<b>Thrie</b> - Mention Golf an' the Titanic in Stormount every day in order til make the health service an' education system better.<br />
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<b>Fower </b>- Build a four times actual sized replica o' the Titanic in Lough Neagh wi' a big Golf course on it.<br />
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<b>Five </b>- Build a giant statue o' Rory McIlroy, Darren Clarke an' Graeme McDowall sae that folk can travel frae far an' wide til worship at the feet o' the Holy Trinity that will save the Ulster Economy.<br />
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Thus we will hiv carved oot a unique niche fur oorselves internationally, an' will hiv established the only national economy based oan the twin pillars o' golf an' a shite ship frae the Edwardian period. International business folk will rush til invest here, bein' sae distracted by golf that they'll furget they're in Lurgan.<br />
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Vote fur me UUP folk, ye ken it makes as much sense as the o'er twa.Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-59060969602742629622012-02-26T18:33:00.002+00:002012-08-05T15:58:04.512+01:00DUP Pants!<b>A free gift thing fur all oor readers.....</b><br />
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Shameless rip aff frae VIZ, but Ah cudnae resist......</div>
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<br /></div>Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-63522800493033959982012-02-22T21:19:00.001+00:002012-08-05T16:08:21.577+01:00My Hole (In One).Fallyin oan frae the excitin' news that the <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-17099679">Giant Causeway is til git its ain Galf Coorse,</a> Ah am delighted fur til announce that Enviroment Minister Alex Attwud has alsae gie the grain light til a new hotel on the nairth coast. At lang last thon auld eyesore Dunluce Castle is til be redeveloped an' modernised, makin' way fur an attractive 4 star development wi' its ain bubble bath, shars, beds, the lat.<br />
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In a move til appease campaigners thit hoped til keep the auld Castle, the new owners hiv assured us all thit they will dae their best til retain a "heritage theme" in the new hotel, wi pictures o' how it used to look before an' the like, as well as a bar called "The Dungeon". Spakin' afterwards, Minister Attwud commented thit he hadnae taken the decision til tear the shite oot o' the historic landscape "lightly", but that in the end "money talks and youse can all fuck off."<br />
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<b>Galf</b><br />
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Ah fur yin am gettin' sick o' galf. OK so Wee Mac an' G Mac an' Big Darren hiv "putt us oan the map" in the last wee while, an' it is great til see, particularly as the latter gies hope til all slightly pudgy drinkers o' a certain age that ye can still hae yer day in the sun. Howiver til the best o' ma knowledge we were already <i>oan</i> the map, an yin o' the things that has put us on it was the "unspoilt beauty" o' the nairth coast? Yet here we hiv an Environment minister who lets this shite happen an' says......</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">"<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">The development is an important one for the Causeway Coast and for Northern Ireland, will help to grow tourism, create new job opportunities, enhance our golf product and continue to protect our natural heritage, such a big part of the quality of our lives."</span> </span><br />
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Now Ah agree wi' yis thit its a shame thit he cannae spake the hamely tongue but perhaps mair importantly he cannae tell his arse frae his elbow. How many new jabs are created by a galf coorse is whit Ah'd like til ken? How does he balance thon agin the environmental destruction wrecked by the creation o' whit at the end o' the day is jist a place fur middle class men til chase a wee ball aboot? Mair til the point, is it even n<span style="font-family: inherit;">aided? The "galf product" o' the nairth coast saims near as well enhanced as Katie Price. Even the man in charge o' the whole plan, "<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">US-based management expert Dr Alistair Hanna". says.....</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"We believe that with Bushmills Dunes, Portrush, Portstewart and Castlerock we will have four world-class links golf courses within half an hour of each other."</span></span><br />
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Nae need fur it then.Ye buck eejit.<br />
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Bastards.<br />
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<b>Next week: </b>New Snooker Hall for Cave Hill, Mount Stewart til be converted into a darts venue and Lough Neagh drained til make room fur a new Asda.<br />
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Fur mair sensible information oan Nairth coast plannin' issues visit <a href="http://nalil.blogspot.com/2012/02/doe-minister-attwood-stung-by-bee.html?spref=fb">North Antrim Local Interest List.</a><br />
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</div>Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-61422453522213131092012-02-15T16:59:00.002+00:002012-08-05T16:11:18.964+01:00Robinson and McGuinness Speak Out on Hearing Loss<a href="http://www.u.tv/News/First-Ministers-speak-of-hearing-loss/8fb9fdb2-00b6-444d-86a7-052ef74f2215">We have no idea what caused it,</a> say First and Deputy First Minister, although we might be putting a claim in like thon PSNI boys.<br />
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</div>Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-11053971509123258982012-01-09T19:09:00.000+00:002012-08-05T16:19:23.932+01:00The Seven Wunders o' the Ulster Scots Wurld.<div style="text-align: right;">
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Ah hid occasion fur til putt doon me usual Newsletter (official organ o' the Ulster Scot) an' peruse the Belfast Telegraf the o'er day, an' was maist interested til see thit they are havin' a vote as to whit wud be the tap yin o' the <a href="http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/campaigns/seven-wonders/seven-wonders-of-northern-ireland-time-to-pick-the-best-16099945.html">"Seven Wunders o' Nairthern Ireland".</a> Sae far we hiv such wunders as "Belfast Taxis", naminated by Jim McDonald frae Coronation Street, who Ah thunk was in jail, an' Glenarrif, naminated by the poverty struck SDLP heid yin, Alasdair McDonnell. "The Glens," he says, "chase politics from my mind." Clearly he is spennin' tae much time in them. Anyhow the raison Ah was interested is that Ah had been givin' some thocht til a similar list o' Ulster Scots Wunders, an hiv duly perused the original Seven Wunders o' the Ancient Wurld fur inspiration. Thesuns appear til be....<br />
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<li>The Hangin' Gardens o' Babylon</li>
<li>The Statue o' Zeus at Olympia</li>
<li>The Colossus o' Rhodes</li>
<li>The Lighthouse at Alexandria</li>
<li>The Temple o' Artemis at Ephesus</li>
<li>The Mausoleum o' Halicarnassus</li>
<li>The Great Pyramid o' Giza.</li>
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Surely now, Ah thunk, there is nae mair interesting, ancient an' civilised folk than the Ulster Scot. We are boun' til be able tae match thy'on, an' thus Ah am able til offer yis a new poll on.......</div>
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<b>The Seven Wunder's o' the Ulster Scots Wurld. </b><br />
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<u>Wunder Yin: The Hanging Swings o' the Ards Penisula</u><br />
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Themuns in Babylon seem til have fancied their horticultural skills, but ye can bet they'd hiv nathin' til compare til the swings at Cloughey or indaid the dual play park combination boasted by Portavogie. (There is yin behine the Chinese, an' yin at the far end near the pubic convenience.) Even Ballyhalbert has a fine playpark an' it disnae saim til have any folk livin' it. An Ballywalter has tennis coorts. <span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Nebuchadnezzar ma arse. </span></span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 19px;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;"><u>Wunder Twa: The Statue o' King Billy at Carrickfergus.</u></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;">And lo' the guid folk o' Ulster didst decide fur til erect a statue o' King Billy, yin that wud commemorate the 300th anniversary o' the Glorious Revolution an' his majesty landin' in their fair town, yin that would reflect the great man's martial skills an' inspire local an' tourist alike. However they hadnae any money so they stuck up a wee totty one o' him thit yid hardly notice an' appears til have Billy lukkin intil the coach park. </span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;"><u>Wunder Three: The Colossus o' Prods:</u></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;">Also knain as Sammy Wilson. Red o' cheeks, amusin' o' hair, crap at sums an' bare o' bum. There can be nae other, an' nor shud there be.</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;"><u>Wunder Four: The Shitehouse o' the Craigavon.</u></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;"><u><br /></u></span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 19px;">The o'er surt are mad fur sleggin' aff the auld Goverment o' Nairthern Ireland, gittin' on aboot Gerry Manderin' an' "Unionist Misrule." However the real reason the auld goverment was shite is that they invented Craigavon. Even the maist blind o' toon planners cud hiv seen thit combining twa medium sized shiteholes in Lurgan an' Portadown wud oany result in yin giant shitehole, albeit yin wi the maist impressive selection o' inspirationally named roundabouts in the western hemisphere. </span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;"><u>Wunder Five: The Temple o' Arsemis at Belfast.</u></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;">Alsae knain as Martyrs Memorial Free Presbytron Church. Fur years the guid folk o' Ulster could flack til hear the preachin' o' Arsemis hissel, but he has retired now, til be replaced wi' a similarly mental heid yin, but nat yin that Ah can either mine the name o', or be arsed lukkin' up.</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;"><u>Wunder Six: The Pauseoleum o' Stormont:</u></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;">At the Great Pauseoleum o' Stormont, brief flurries o' activity are interspersed wi' lang periods o' nat spakin' til each o'er. OK Ah was strugglin' here fur somethin' that sounded similar an' this was the best Ah cud dae. </span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;"><u>Wunder Seven: The Great Parade at Scarva</u></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;">There can be few o'er cultures in the wurld that have anythin' til compete wi' the momentous occasion that is the 13th at Scarva. Where else wud thousans o' folk gather fur til watch a lock o' men in suits danderin' alang behine a rake o' half cut bands playin' hymns on flutes? Where else wud news raiders make the same joke on an annual basis aboot who wud win a sham ficht before handin' o'er til Angie wi' the weather. Wi' a range o' stalls an' burger vans unsurpassed in the civilized wurld the inherent Wunderfulness o' the Great Parade shud be clear til yin an' all. </span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19px;"><br />There, a half arsed list o' interestin' cultural tourist attractions allowin' yis til vote as yis see fit. Sure it is better than the yin in the Telegraph, an' ye dinnae hiv til raid a rake o' shite writ by some celebrity.</span><br />
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Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-53991980271286890552012-01-06T00:24:00.000+00:002012-08-05T16:23:12.970+01:00Histry o' the Ulster Scots Bit 15 - The Plantation o' Ulster<span style="font-family: inherit;">Nae movement frae the goverment oan the issue o' lack o' Ulster based events at the Olympics, so it is back til oor Rasin Deter an' a wee bit o' Histry......</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">The Death o' the Virgin Queen.</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">In the last Bit o' oor complex histry o' the Ulster Scots Spakin Peoples, we lukked at how the <a href="http://1690andallthat.blogspot.com/2011/05/ulster-scots-histry-o-ireland-bit-14.html">Refarmation invented Pratestants </a>an', in daein' sae, put an end til Religious division fur iver. Howiver all was not yit well in the Ulster Scots garden, fur Free State fenians still controlled the island o' Ireland, an' wi' it the hameland o' the hamely folk themselves. Fur upwards o' ages Ulster Scots had foun' theyselves exiled til the mainland, forced for til be misunderstood an' shunned by English folk, or live in Scotland, which is caul. Oany a few were able til cling oan til the sacred Ulster territory in an aroun' Nairth Antrim,an' up the Ards. This was all til be rectified when Queen Elizabeth I the Queen Mother died wi'oot havin' any weans fur she was a virgin like Mary in the Bible. Wi nae weans til inherit the throne, the English were forced fur til luk fur a new King, North o' the border up Edinburgh way.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">The House of Stewart</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Unable til fine a king o' their ain ilk, the English therefore approached the King o' Scotland til see if he fancied the jab. The King o' Scotland at the time was a guid Pratestant by the name o' James Six, an' he duly tuk the throne o' England as well, takin' the title James Sixanfirst. It is important at this junction til note that James Sixanfirst shud in nae way be confussed wi' his Grandwean James Second. James Sixanfirst was a Loyal Pratestant, whereas James Second was the Free State king whit King Billy knacked the pan in af. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">As if til prove his Loyal Pratestant credentials, the first thing King James Sixanfirst did was til write the Bible, in daein' sae creatin' the Bible believin' Pratestant. Wi'oot his King James Bible, there wud be nae wee leaflets fur boys still han' oot at the tap o' the town while an o'er auld boy gulders intil a microphone aboot Satan an' the Gays an' bein' born o'er agin an' the like. Mind that next time ye join the throng o' folk listenin' til such lectures, ye hiv James Sixanfirst til thank fur such spectacles. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">The Plantation o' Ulster.</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">As if inventin' the Bible wasnae enough, James Sixanfirst set about devisin' a plan whereby the Ulster Scot cud cast aff the Free State yoke an' reclaim the occupied 9 counties, fur that was his plan. In order til achieve this he first o' all giv Counties Antrim an' Down til a man called Hamilton Montgomery, who proceeded til bring Ulster Scots folk back o'er in boats frae Scotland an' gie them houses an' the like fur til live in, thus plantin' people raither than trees oor the like, an' gien us the wurd Plantation. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Wi' Monaghan similarly lukkin' after itsel, James hissel preceded til plant Ulster Scots folk in the o'er six counties, alang wi a rake o' English folk he hoped wud be converted til Ulster Scotsness at some future date. (Tae a certain extent this has been achieved now, yid hardly knae the Ulster English existed, fur they dinnae git any grants.). In maist cases the land was giv til rich boys called Undertakers, whit pramised fur til build toons, cassles an' churches an' bring o'er Ulster Scots. The oany different county was County Coleraine, which was giv til folk frae London, an renamed County Londoncoleraine. </span><br />
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<b>The Legacy o' the Plantation o' Ulster</b><br />
<b><br /></b><br />
(Ye cannae dae somethin' aboot the plantation wi'oot daein' aboot the legacy or ye willnae git a grant)<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><u style="font-family: inherit;">New towns</u><span style="font-family: inherit;"> - The Stewarts built Newtownstewart an' Stewartstown, Mr Cunningham built Newtowncunningham, Sir Jimmy Saville built Newtownsaville, an' Sir Ards built Newtownards. The London Companies built many new towns, including Londonderry, Londonderrylin, Londonbalinderry, Londonderrygonnelly an' London. </span></li>
<li><u style="font-family: inherit;">New inventions</u><span style="font-family: inherit;"> - The Ulster Scots folk are wild good at inventin'. Once back oan hame soil they set aboot inventin' farms, roads, Black Bush, Harland an' Wolff, Orange Halls, Larne-Stranraer ferries an' the Newsletter. </span></li>
<li><u style="font-family: inherit;">New recreational pursuits</u><span style="font-family: inherit;"> - Even in their spare time the Ulster Scots invented stuff. Fur example they invented new religions by fallin' oot wi' eacho'er aboot wee totty things an' leavin fur til start their ain churches. They alsae invented rack an' roll an' bred wi eacho'er in order til make sure thit America had enough Presidents.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><u>Wars </u>- Now that the Ulster Scots had a hameplace they were able fur til laiv it an' ficht wi' eacho'er. This they mainly did in the America. Thus taeday we are able fur til boast that we were both Revolutionary an' Loyal in the American War o' Independence, burned Washington an' put the fire oot in the War o' 1812, kept slaves an' freed them in the US Civil War an' both fought an' made friends wi' the Red Indians. Jays wi'oot the Ulster Scot the Americans wud be hard pushed fur til find somebody til ficht wi'. </span></li>
<li><u style="font-family: inherit;">Whit was the reaction o' the o'er surt? </u><span style="font-family: inherit;">- On the hole the o'er surt were happy fur they hid new towns fur til dae their shappin' in an' sign oan. </span></li>
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Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-37975758127459160532012-01-01T19:40:00.001+00:002012-08-05T16:23:37.090+01:00Review o' the Year 2012<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So far 2012 has been richt an' quiet fur Ah hiv hid a wile hangover.Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-13392141368922889272011-12-10T12:44:00.001+00:002012-08-05T16:24:41.189+01:00Portglenone 2012<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Afore Ah commence witterin' oan in a random fashion Ah will gie yis ma custumary apalagy fur ma lack o' posts in racent times. Ah confess thit Ah hiv let doon the broad Ulster Scots community, failin' in ma pubic service remit til promote all thit is good in the Hamely folk. This is entirely doon itl the fact thit Ah was mainly wurkin' in the middle o' the nicht in order fur til pay the rent an' the like oan the 1690 affices an' was tae bate til sit here an' screed a rake o' shite. Ah hiv sadly missed oot oan many excitin' events, frae the Free State nearly savin' us frae lukkin' at Martin McGuinness til the MTV awards in Belfast an' Rhianna gettin' her baps oot in a field.<br />
<br />
However Ah am delighted til revail thit Ah hiv foun' someyin daft enough til gie me a jab thru the day, sae Ah am able fur til be awake enough til screed brock. Ah am back in time fur Christmas, an' hiv discovered the epetition thing on the the goverment wabsite. Thus Ah am proud fur til announce a braw new campaign, Portglenone 2012........<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">PG1-2</span><br />
<br />
Now it will nat hiv passed yer notice thit the Inglish hiv the Olympics nixt year, fur they hivnae stapped bangin' oan aboot it in their papers an' oan the Television. Ah hiv noted thit events an' the like arenae entirely based in London, wi' sailin' at Cows, Fitba in Cardiff an' Glasgow fur example. Howiver try as Ah might Ah cannae fine a single event in oor ain wee country. Ye wud think that they might at laist hiv threw us the shootin' at things oor the hittin' eacho'er, buy it wud appear we dinnae even warrent thon.<br />
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<br />
It wud saim thit Lord Sebastian Co an' his cronies hiv furgat thit it is the United Kingdom o' Great Britain AN' Norn Iron, in fact there wud be nae UK wi'oot us til stick on the end o' GB. Thus we are fully intitled fur til expect an' event or twa in 2012 an' it is time themuns in London were put til richts.<br />
<br />
In order til rectify this ommission, Ah duly entered intil high level negotiations wi ma esteemed colleague, the Rev Dr McFetridge, Pastor o' First Portglenone Free Unitarian Non Subscribin' Methodist Presbyterian Church (Reformed). Fallyin' on frae these discussions the Rev Dr agreed til chair the Portglenone Cross Community Olympic Event Committee an' we established a small steering group til luk intil how til labby the Inglish.<br />
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After a wheen o' Plenary Sessions, Symposiums, Video Conferences an' bouts o' heavy drinkin' interspersed wi' violence, we hiv decided fur til make up yin o' them e-petitions that get sent roun' til ye the odd time. Frae whit we can work oot, if we get 100,000 folk til sign a demand that Portglenone gets an Olympic event, by law the request MUST be discussed in the House o' Cammons. This is clearly tae guid an appurtunity til miss. We hiv therefore sent the fallyin' up til the goverment an' await a response. When we get wurd back we'll let yis knae an' then ask yis all til seek oot an' sign it, an' hivin' done so, distribute it amung as many o' yer friens an' family as passible. 100,000 folk is a big thing til ask frae a wee country, but sure we cud rope in a few mainland folk til join in the crusade. Jays wudn't it be quare crack if we gat it.<br />
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<b>Portglenone should get an Olympic Event in 2012, so it should.</b><br />
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We, the undersigned, being of sound mind, do hereby request,
nay demand, that an event be held in Northern Ireland as part of the 2012
Olympiad.<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal">
We demand, nay request, that the Synchronised Swimming is
held in the River Bann at Portglenone. An area of the Bann will be roped off
for the competition preventing intrusion by anglers and/or perverts. Folk will
be able to watch it from the marina, or up on the bridge, or the car park beside
the Wild Duck. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are two changing rooms in the community centre, wan
for men and wan for women, and the hall could be turned into a media centre (no
wi-fi, but folk could bring their dongle yokes). There is also a small, but
clean, kitchen which provides tea making facilities. We have a right mobile phone signal, several
well stocked shops and a rake of B&Bs. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The town is no stranger to sporting events, having hosted an
episode of the BBC's Towns Challenge a lock of years ago, albeit one where
Portrush cheated their way to victory. </div>
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<br />Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-66052801547231325012011-09-22T14:29:00.000+01:002011-09-22T14:29:46.409+01:00Down with this surt of thing Part 2, and Free State Elections<div><b>Down wi' this surt o' thing agin.</b></div><div><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-h2CrwPdJCkw/Tns3IEz8jhI/AAAAAAAAArc/_bHNhdCXLFc/s1600/gay-juice.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-h2CrwPdJCkw/Tns3IEz8jhI/AAAAAAAAArc/_bHNhdCXLFc/s200/gay-juice.jpg" width="182" /></a></div><div>Edwin Poots <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-15014823">has foun' hissel in wild bother again</a>, this time o'er the heid o' Gay Folk an' their blood. Now Ah dinnae ken the full story, but it wud seem that there are some out there whit are mad for gettin' their hands on Gay Folk Blood, whilst Edwin thinks we shud let them keep it fur themselfs. Oddly this has come up fur in the England they have changed the rules to say that Fruits and the like can give blood, but oany if they havnae had sex in a year. This seems odd til me as it implies that oany ugly gay men who cannae git their end away can give blood, an guid lukkin' wans shudnae buther.</div><div><br />
</div><div>In a move which reflects the DUP's desire fur til make sure Northern Ireland is a fully signed up part o' the UK, Minister Poots has decided that we willnae fally suit, an' will continue til ban Gay blood fur "safety" reasons fur iver. Needless to say the Shinners and the UUP an' the like are gi'en aff about this, but Ah fur yin am backin' the Minister, as the sharin' o' Gay blood is likely fur til laid til the complete moral breakdown of oor society. Ah will demonstrate this logic fowerthwith.</div><div><ul><li>If ye get give gay blood, ye are likely til become a wee bit gay. This is proven by scientific studies carried out in Larne which proved that when give a wee bit o' gay blood o'erwise nat Gay (normal) men started likin' candles an' goin' til the gym an' o'er Gay hobbies. </li>
<li>If this trend continued there wud soon be a chronic cushion shortage across Northern Ireland, as previously straight men piled so many of them on their sofa that ye cudnae sit on it.</li>
<li>In turn this wud lead til inflation in the candles an' cushions market, causin' womenfolk til become disgruntled an' potentially waste their money on shoes instead. </li>
<li>As a result o' this normal men who had nat been contaminated wi' Gay blood wud get cross wi' their wifes, fur they hardly noticed the candles an' cushions but now every time they opened the wardrobe shoes wud fall on them an' they'd fair notice thon. </li>
<li>This wud lead til an increase in divorces, and possibly a United Ireland, which is why the Shinners are in favour of it. </li>
</ul><div><b><br />
</b></div><div><b>Free State Presidential Elections</b></div></div><div><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mzRwiu_E1ds/Tns2JlPtavI/AAAAAAAAArY/0Pxj0MR8cZg/s1600/poster2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="160" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mzRwiu_E1ds/Tns2JlPtavI/AAAAAAAAArY/0Pxj0MR8cZg/s320/poster2.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div>Ah hid pretty much ignored this fur Ah hidnae heard o' any o' the candidates an' cudnae care less tae be annest, til suddenly the whole thing livened up the o'er day. Ah refer, o' coorse, til the decision o' Marty McGuinness til stan'. </div><div><br />
</div><div>In a move which wud potentially see the Free State take two o' oor bigger arseholes aff our hands in the space o' a year, Marty is lukkin' til join his friend Gerry workin' o'er the border, passibly whilst still claimin' in the North. </div><div><br />
</div><div>Themuns in the Free State have bin doin' a wild lot o' slaggin' o' Marty as a candidate, but he seems til me tae be richt an' well qualified fur the jab. Ma unnerstannin' o' the role o' Free State President is that the main' jabs are stickin' yer nose in up here an' bein' heid yin o' some armed forces, both things Marty has a fair bit o' experience off. </div><div><br />
</div><div>That said Ah feel unable til affer him ma full support in his campaign, an' thus Ah considered stannin' messel til affer the Ulster Scots o' the Free State a viable alternative. Howiver Ah hiv decided til step aside an insteid throw ma weight behine a mair viable candidate, namely Sir Jackie Fullerton. <a href="http://www.facebook.com/pages/Jackie-Fullerton-Free-State-Presidential-Candidate-2011/221498571237604">Ye can provide yer ain backin' here</a>. </div>Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-50743355447097853162011-09-15T12:56:00.001+01:002011-09-15T12:59:24.549+01:00"Luk at the shape o' us" say Orange Order Heid Yins.<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-whoMtfKhRcQ/TnHnnCG6JmI/AAAAAAAAAqw/uAupTuH9NNE/s1600/eejits.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="262" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-whoMtfKhRcQ/TnHnnCG6JmI/AAAAAAAAAqw/uAupTuH9NNE/s320/eejits.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">TWATS</td></tr>
</tbody></table>From the BBC Larne Newsdesk.<br />
<div><br />
</div><div>In a move designed fur til make their organisation a more popular, modern and attractive organisation, Orange Order leaders have announced that they are going to make giant sized arses of themselves on an intermittent basis. A spokesman from the Institution's newly formed "Look at us, look at us, we are a bunch of ringpieces" department, outlined the proposals. </div><div><br />
</div><div><ul><li>Orangemen, particularly from the Sandy Row district, will replace the traditional bowler hat with a Victorian dunce cap. "The Dunce Cap was invented in Victorian times," said the LAULAUWAABOR spokesman, "And Queen Victoria was one of our greatest Queens. Thus we are showing our loyalty to the crown as well as our left field sense of humour."</li>
<li>Additionally members will be encouraged to write ""wanker", "kick me", "twat" and "I like boys" on post it notes and stick it to each other's backs when on parade. The spokesman claimed that this would reflect the order's religious background and interest in history, in some way or other. </li>
<li>Prominent members, especially those in senior positions of the UUP, who stand near Catholics, look at them in any way, perhaps speak to one or buy something in a shop owned by one, will be ritually stoned to death at a new site near Ballymena. </li>
<li>Members of the DUP who do likewise will be ignored. </li>
<li>The traditional image of King Billy at the Boyne which bedecks so many banners will be replaced with a giant picture of a horse's arse. "It will be a protestant horse", said the spokesman, "and thus a protestant arse."</li>
<li>"It would not be a catholic arse, no chance of that." He continued when pressed on the matter. </li>
<li>In future when complaints about members are made by one lodge or other, and it is the first item on the news, Orange Spokesmen will appear on that news item saying that the Institution's complaints procedure is a private matter which no one ever hears anything about because they are so good at being a secret organisation and never wash their dirty linen in public. It is to be hoped that the news folk will not point out that they are saying this on the news, for feck's sake, and that they are a bunch of tools. </li>
</ul><div>It is thought that further developments are likely. The Twelfth will move to April Fool's Day, Bands will be forced to play the theme tune to Fraggle Rock and a giant penis will be carried at the head of the procession by some old men dressed only in orange loin clothes. In making these changes the Order hopes that it will make Unionism, and the Unionist population generally, more respected around the world. </div></div><div><br />
</div><div>Did you ever hear the like of it? Bunch of eejits. </div>Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-12934360809002047332011-07-31T16:55:00.003+01:002011-07-31T17:33:27.066+01:00Down with this surt of thing.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">From the<a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-14353258"> BBC Aist Ards Desk.</a> </span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-phygTC8Hbjw/TjV7lwUwkmI/AAAAAAAAAqs/CTN5WRBmKy4/s1600/Pride-5330.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-phygTC8Hbjw/TjV7lwUwkmI/AAAAAAAAAqs/CTN5WRBmKy4/s320/Pride-5330.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Thousands turn up til celebrate Ballyhalbert's Big Jessie Pride Parade.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #505050; font-family: Arial, Helmet, Freesans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px;"></span><br />
<div class="introduction" style="clear: left; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Helmet, Freesans, sans-serif; font-size: 1.077em; font-weight: bold; line-height: 18px; margin-bottom: 18px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-rendering: auto;">A fair clatter o' folk lined the streets of Ballyhalbert city centre for the annual Big Jessie Pride parade on Saturday.</div><div style="clear: left; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Helmet, Freesans, sans-serif; font-size: 1.077em; line-height: 18px; margin-bottom: 18px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-rendering: auto;">Now in its 21st year, the Ballyhalbert parade is claimed til be the smallest o' its kind in Ireland an largely ignored in the UK.</div><div style="clear: left; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Helmet, Freesans, sans-serif; font-size: 1.077em; line-height: 18px; margin-bottom: 18px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-rendering: auto;">Massive religious protests by nutters were held along the route but the organisers of the parade said it was good for Ballyhalbert.</div><div style="clear: left; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Helmet, Freesans, sans-serif; font-size: 1.077em; line-height: 18px; margin-bottom: 18px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-rendering: auto;">They said they hid went til significant lengths to make it 'family friendly'. This means they got a rake o' bouncy castles in.</div><div style="clear: left; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Helmet, Freesans, sans-serif; font-size: 1.077em; line-height: 18px; margin-bottom: 18px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-rendering: auto;">The parade kicked aff a number of events over the weekend includin' a massive drinkin' session on Sunday.</div>Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-53360483024729371642011-07-27T13:56:00.002+01:002011-07-27T14:21:46.347+01:00Poitry Agin.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cQV6mRM3DFw/TjAK2VlnKSI/AAAAAAAAAqo/ho2lN9vvmiI/s1600/oot-and-aboot-may-2011-1307373661.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cQV6mRM3DFw/TjAK2VlnKSI/AAAAAAAAAqo/ho2lN9vvmiI/s1600/oot-and-aboot-may-2011-1307373661.jpg" /></a></div>Ah hid occasion the day fur til raid "Oot an Aboot" the magazine o' the o'er Ulster Scots Agency. As heid yin o' the Real Ulster Scots Agency Ah rarely raid this brock, fur Ah hiv nae grant til put oot a magazine, insteid reliant on the powers o' the interweb til disperse ma cultural contributions. Ah clean near pished messel when a read a "poim" by some boy calt Wilson Burgess, dedicated til that icon o' Ulster Scots sport, Alex Higgins. Rarely in ma time as a Professor hiv Ah read such shite, writ like a wean fur a poitry campetition at wee school. It is 7 "verses" lang, sae Ah will oany copy a couple o' them oot fur yerselves.<br />
<br />
<b>Oor Alex, </b><br />
by Wilson Burgess.<br />
<br />
"Frae the Jampot tae the Crucible<br />
It made nae odds tae him<br />
Oor Alex tuk on al' comers<br />
An' he wid maistly win<br />
<br />
In Seventy two in Birmingham<br />
Hae tuk the place bae storm<br />
Little did wae al' know then<br />
That a Hurricane wiz born.<br />
<br />
(etc fur fower mair verses, then his sad demise)<br />
<br />
Whin ill health tuk its toll<br />
Oor Alex: Fight hae didnae lack<br />
Hae'll bae tellin' them in Heaven noo<br />
Hae wiz snookered bae the Black."<br />
<br />
Jaysus Ah thunk til messel, nat oany is this poim shite, it is nat even writ in prapur Ulster Scots. All this gaein "tae" places, nat "til", an' sayin' "hae" insteid o' "he" is jist made up. Mair til the point the boy is gettin' paid fur til write it, an', it saims, til gae roun' schools raidin' it oot til weans. This minded me o' ma ain' foul mouthed Bate Poitry that Ah writ a wee while ago. Aulder raiders micht mind it, but fur the rest o' yis here is a couple o' them.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Farmers.</b><br />
</span></span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Lurchin tractor bastards<br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;">Blackin' the road<br />
Haulin' tubes o' shite<br />
In rush oor<br />
<br />
Spade the feck up<br />
oor pull over<br />
Yis bastards.</span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><br />
</span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Road Kill</b></span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Windaes rolled doon</span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">The wireless blarin'</span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Parked up at the heid o' the toon</span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Lukkin' fur cuddies</span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Bullet heid lurkin'</span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Belaw the wheel o' the motor</span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Saits back, eyes deid</span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Wee feckers</span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Think they're in Ibiza</span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">But they're nat,</span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">It's Rathfriland</span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">An' its pishin.</span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Tae which Ah add ma ain tribute til Alex Higgins. </span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><b>Oor Alex</b></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;">by Professor Billy McWilliams.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;">Feg smokin' </span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;">Drink takin'</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;">Hat wearin'</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;">Fast walkin'</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;">Camp talkin'</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;">Taylor threatenin'</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;">Cantankerous Auld Bastard</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;">Yer deid noo, so ye are.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;">Which is a wile shame</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;">fur snooker is brock wi' oot ye. </span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;">Ah am sure ye wud agree ma poims hiv their ain distinctive style an' are wurthy o' further dissemination. Thus Ah hiv capied them intil an escreed an' sent them til the o'er Ulster Scots Agency. We shall see if Ah tae can get a grant fur til write shite an' gae roun' schools borin' the arse aff weans. </span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><br />
</span></div>Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2609182055455727616.post-66038338095165451952011-07-19T12:38:00.005+01:002011-07-25T01:26:31.276+01:00Phone Hacking - MLAs to quiz McWilliams.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UG3pAS1tyqI/TiVsexOOORI/AAAAAAAAAqk/1DGBeuF-leA/s1600/1310058274_NOTWlogo2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="123" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UG3pAS1tyqI/TiVsexOOORI/AAAAAAAAAqk/1DGBeuF-leA/s320/1310058274_NOTWlogo2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Frae the <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-14195259">BBC Aughnacloy Newsdesk</a>.<br />
<br />
Heid Yin of 1690 an all thon, Professor Billy McWilliams, and his assistant Dr Wullie McIlveen will be quizzed by Stormount MLAs later on about a phone hacking scandal.<br />
<br />
The pair are expected to be questioned about what they knew about the phone hacking at 1690 an all thon, a website that publishes Ulster Scots related pish. It is the first time that Professor McWilliams has appeared before MLAs although he did once bare his arse near Edwin Poots and was lifted about something involving <a href="http://1690andallthat.blogspot.com/2010/12/1690-founder-billy-mcwilliams-freed-on.html">wikilaiks a while back</a>, though what it was we can't remember.<br />
<br />
It is understood that a variety of allegations have been made about the top Academics.<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul><li>That they hacked into Lovely Lesley Macaulay's mobile phone, deleting messages and leaving new ones that were wild rude. </li>
<li>In addition they hacked the phones of between 12 and 8000 top Ulster celebrities including the Big Lord Laird of Artigarvin, Rose Neill aff the news, Cecilia Daly and yer man Keith Burnside that used to do the Police 6 thing years ago on the UTV.</li>
<li>That a laptap containing durty pictures was found in a bin near Dr McIlveen's house. He says he threw it out after a particularly heavy Buckfast session and that any durty pictures on it were put there by Professor McWilliams.</li>
<li>That McWilliams has been getting photies of Ulster celebrities and the like, such as the one used to illustrate this article, and doctoring them using crap software he found on the internet, as well as making crude amateurish versions of party political broadcasts.</li>
<li>That they have made up a language for the sole purpose of getting grants.</li>
<li>That McWilliams has wasted the time of civil servants and business folk by sending in spurious applications to try to get small Ulster villages declared UK city of culture, the World Cup at Chimney Corner, Ian Paisley on Radio 2's Thought for the Day, gigantic bottles of Buckfast erected in Larne and Google to provide an Ulster Scots translation service.</li>
<li>That McWilliams is in fact not an academic, has been making up historical things, and that McIlveen is a figment of his imagination.</li>
</ul><div>The handsome and dashing Professor McWilliams vehemently denies the allegations and has refused to close down the his so called website. Speaking near a field he stated "Ah vehemently deny these allegerations, an' refuse fur til close doon ma so calt website."</div><div><br />
</div>Professor Billy McWilliamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03499032906155417947noreply@blogger.com1