1690 an' all thon

The Seven Wunders o' the Ulster Scots Wurld.

2012-01-09T19:09:00.000Z

Small man, big stain.

Ah hid occasion fur til putt doon me usual Newsletter (official organ o' the Ulster Scot) an' peruse the Belfast Telegraf the o'er day, an' was maist interested til see thit they are havin' a vote as to whit wud be the tap yin o' the "Seven Wunders o' Nairthern Ireland". Sae far we hiv such wunders as "Belfast Taxis", naminated by Jim McDonald frae Coronation Street, who Ah thunk was in jail, an' Glenarrif, naminated by the poverty struck SDLP heid yin, Alasdair McDonnell. "The Glens," he says, "chase politics from my mind." Clearly he is spennin' tae much time in them. Anyhow the raison Ah was interested is that Ah had been givin' some thocht til a similar list o' Ulster Scots Wunders, an hiv duly perused the original Seven Wunders o' the Ancient Wurld fur inspiration. Thesuns appear til be....

The Hangin' Gardens o' Babylon
The Statue o' Zeus at Olympia
The Colossus o' Rhodes
The Lighthouse at Alexandria
The Temple o' Artemis at Ephesus
The Mausoleum o' Halicarnassus
The Great Pyramid o' Giza.

Surely now, Ah thunk, there is nae mair interesting, ancient an' civilised folk than the Ulster Scot. We are boun' til be able tae match thy'on, an' thus Ah am able til offer yis a new poll on.......

The Seven Wunder's o' the Ulster Scots Wurld.

Wunder Yin: The Hanging Swings o' the Ards Penisula

Themuns in Babylon seem til have fancied their horticultural skills, but ye can bet they'd hiv nathin' til compare til the swings at Cloughey or indaid the dual play park combination boasted by Portavogie. (There is yin behine the Chinese, an' yin at the far end near the pubic convenience.) Even Ballyhalbert has a fine playpark an' it disnae saim til have any folk livin' it. An Ballywalter has tennis coorts. Nebuchadnezzar ma arse.

Wunder Twa: The Statue o' King Billy at Carrickfergus.

And lo' the guid folk o' Ulster didst decide fur til erect a statue o' King Billy, yin that wud commemorate the 300th anniversary o' the Glorious Revolution an' his majesty landin' in their fair town, yin that would reflect the great man's martial skills an' inspire local an' tourist alike. However they hadnae any money so they stuck up a wee totty one o' him thit yid hardly notice an' appears til have Billy lukkin intil the coach park.

Wunder Three: The Colossus o' Prods:

Also knain as Sammy Wilson. Red o' cheeks, amusin' o' hair, crap at sums an' bare o' bum. There can be nae other, an' nor shud there be.

Wunder Four: The Shitehouse o' the Craigavon.

Big Stain, small sign.

The o'er surt are mad fur sleggin' aff the auld Goverment o' Nairthern Ireland, gittin' on aboot Gerry Manderin' an' "Unionist Misrule." However the real reason the auld goverment was shite is that they invented Craigavon. Even the maist blind o' toon planners cud hiv seen thit combining twa medium sized shiteholes in Lurgan an' Portadown wud oany result in yin giant shitehole, albeit yin wi the maist impressive selection o' inspirationally named roundabouts in the western hemisphere.

Wunder Five: The Temple o' Arsemis at Belfast.

Alsae knain as Martyrs Memorial Free Presbytron Church. Fur years the guid folk o' Ulster could flack til hear the preachin' o' Arsemis hissel, but he has retired now, til be replaced wi' a similarly mental heid yin, but nat yin that Ah can either mine the name o', or be arsed lukkin' up.

Wunder Six: The Pauseoleum o' Stormont:

At the Great Pauseoleum o' Stormont, brief flurries o' activity are interspersed wi' lang periods o' nat spakin' til each o'er. OK Ah was strugglin' here fur somethin' that sounded similar an' this was the best Ah cud dae.

Wunder Seven: The Great Parade at Scarva

There can be few o'er cultures in the wurld that have anythin' til compete wi' the momentous occasion that is the 13th at Scarva. Where else wud thousans o' folk gather fur til watch a lock o' men in suits danderin' alang behine a rake o' half cut bands playin' hymns on flutes? Where else wud news raiders make the same joke on an annual basis aboot who wud win a sham ficht before handin' o'er til Angie wi' the weather. Wi' a range o' stalls an' burger vans unsurpassed in the civilized wurld the inherent Wunderfulness o' the Great Parade shud be clear til yin an' all.

There, a half arsed list o' interestin' cultural tourist attractions allowin' yis til vote as yis see fit. Sure it is better than the yin in the Telegraph, an' ye dinnae hiv til raid a rake o' shite writ by some celebrity.

Histry o' the Ulster Scots Bit 15 - The Plantation o' Ulster

2012-01-06T00:24:00.000Z

Nae movement frae the goverment oan the issue o' lack o' Ulster based events at the Olympics, so it is back til oor Rasin Deter an' a wee bit o' Histry......

The Death o' the Virgin Queen.

In the last Bit o' oor complex histry o' the Ulster Scots Spakin Peoples, we lukked at how the Refarmation invented Pratestants an', in daein' sae, put an end til Religious division fur iver. Howiver all was not yit well in the Ulster Scots garden, fur Free State fenians still controlled the island o' Ireland, an' wi' it the hameland o' the hamely folk themselves. Fur upwards o' ages Ulster Scots had foun' theyselves exiled til the mainland, forced for til be misunderstood an' shunned by English folk, or live in Scotland, which is caul. Oany a few were able til cling oan til the sacred Ulster territory in an aroun' Nairth Antrim,an' up the Ards. This was all til be rectified when Queen Elizabeth I the Queen Mother died wi'oot havin' any weans fur she was a virgin like Mary in the Bible. Wi nae weans til inherit the throne, the English were forced fur til luk fur a new King, North o' the border up Edinburgh way.

The House of Stewart

James Sixanfirst lookin' manly.

Unable til fine a king o' their ain ilk, the English therefore approached the King o' Scotland til see if he fancied the jab. The King o' Scotland at the time was a guid Pratestant by the name o' James Six, an' he duly tuk the throne o' England as well, takin' the title James Sixanfirst. It is important at this junction til note that James Sixanfirst shud in nae way be confussed wi' his Grandwean James Second. James Sixanfirst was a Loyal Pratestant, whereas James Second was the Free State king whit King Billy knacked the pan in af.

As if til prove his Loyal Pratestant credentials, the first thing King James Sixanfirst did was til write the Bible, in daein' sae creatin' the Bible believin' Pratestant. Wi'oot his King James Bible, there wud be nae wee leaflets fur boys still han' oot at the tap o' the town while an o'er auld boy gulders intil a microphone aboot Satan an' the Gays an' bein' born o'er agin an' the like. Mind that next time ye join the throng o' folk listenin' til such lectures, ye hiv James Sixanfirst til thank fur such spectacles.

The Plantation o' Ulster.

Thing aboot Hamilton Montgomery wi all the Os as flegs

As if inventin' the Bible wasnae enough, James Sixanfirst set about devisin' a plan whereby the Ulster Scot cud cast aff the Free State yoke an' reclaim the occupied 9 counties, fur that was his plan. In order til achieve this he first o' all giv Counties Antrim an' Down til a man called Hamilton Montgomery, who proceeded til bring Ulster Scots folk back o'er in boats frae Scotland an' gie them houses an' the like fur til live in, thus plantin' people raither than trees oor the like, an' gien us the wurd Plantation.

Wi' Monaghan similarly lukkin' after itsel, James hissel preceded til plant Ulster Scots folk in the o'er six counties, alang wi a rake o' English folk he hoped wud be converted til Ulster Scotsness at some future date. (Tae a certain extent this has been achieved now, yid hardly knae the Ulster English existed, fur they dinnae git any grants.). In maist cases the land was giv til rich boys called Undertakers, whit pramised fur til build toons, cassles an' churches an' bring o'er Ulster Scots. The oany different county was County Coleraine, which was giv til folk frae London, an renamed County Londoncoleraine.

The Legacy o' the Plantation o' Ulster

(Ye cannae dae somethin' aboot the plantation wi'oot daein' aboot the legacy or ye willnae git a grant)

New towns - The Stewarts built Newtownstewart an' Stewartstown, Mr Cunningham built Newtowncunningham, Sir Jimmy Saville built Newtownsaville, an' Sir Ards built Newtownards. The London Companies built many new towns, including Londonderry, Londonderrylin, Londonbalinderry, Londonderrygonnelly an' London.
New inventions - The Ulster Scots folk are wild good at inventin'. Once back oan hame soil they set aboot inventin' farms, roads, Black Bush, Harland an' Wolff, Orange Halls, Larne-Stranraer ferries an' the Newsletter.
New recreational pursuits - Even in their spare time the Ulster Scots invented stuff. Fur example they invented new religions by fallin' oot wi' eacho'er aboot wee totty things an' leavin fur til start their ain churches. They alsae invented rack an' roll an' bred wi eacho'er in order til make sure thit America had enough Presidents.
Wars - Now that the Ulster Scots had a hameplace they were able fur til laiv it an' ficht wi' eacho'er. This they mainly did in the America. Thus taeday we are able fur til boast that we were both Revolutionary an' Loyal in the American War o' Independence, burned Washington an' put the fire oot in the War o' 1812, kept slaves an' freed them in the US Civil War an' both fought an' made friends wi' the Red Indians. Jays wi'oot the Ulster Scot the Americans wud be hard pushed fur til find somebody til ficht wi'.
Whit was the reaction o' the o'er surt? - On the hole the o'er surt were happy fur they hid new towns fur til dae their shappin' in an' sign oan.

Review o' the Year 2012

2012-01-01T19:40:00.001Z

So far 2012 has been richt an' quiet fur Ah hiv hid a wile hangover.

Portglenone 2012

2011-12-10T12:44:00.001Z

Afore Ah commence witterin' oan in a random fashion Ah will gie yis ma custumary apalagy fur ma lack o' posts in racent times. Ah confess thit Ah hiv let doon the broad Ulster Scots community, failin' in ma pubic service remit til promote all thit is good in the Hamely folk. This is entirely doon itl the fact thit Ah was mainly wurkin' in the middle o' the nicht in order fur til pay the rent an' the like oan the 1690 affices an' was tae bate til sit here an' screed a rake o' shite. Ah hiv sadly missed oot oan many excitin' events, frae the Free State nearly savin' us frae lukkin' at Martin McGuinness til the MTV awards in Belfast an' Rhianna gettin' her baps oot in a field.

However Ah am delighted til revail thit Ah hiv foun' someyin daft enough til gie me a jab thru the day, sae Ah am able fur til be awake enough til screed brock. Ah am back in time fur Christmas, an' hiv discovered the epetition thing on the the goverment wabsite. Thus Ah am proud fur til announce a braw new campaign, Portglenone 2012........

PG1-2

Now it will nat hiv passed yer notice thit the Inglish hiv the Olympics nixt year, fur they hivnae stapped bangin' oan aboot it in their papers an' oan the Television. Ah hiv noted thit events an' the like arenae entirely based in London, wi' sailin' at Cows, Fitba in Cardiff an' Glasgow fur example. Howiver try as Ah might Ah cannae fine a single event in oor ain wee country. Ye wud think that they might at laist hiv threw us the shootin' at things oor the hittin' eacho'er, buy it wud appear we dinnae even warrent thon.

It wud saim thit Lord Sebastian Co an' his cronies hiv furgat thit it is the United Kingdom o' Great Britain AN' Norn Iron, in fact there wud be nae UK wi'oot us til stick on the end o' GB. Thus we are fully intitled fur til expect an' event or twa in 2012 an' it is time themuns in London were put til richts.

In order til rectify this ommission, Ah duly entered intil high level negotiations wi ma esteemed colleague, the Rev Dr McFetridge, Pastor o' First Portglenone Free Unitarian Non Subscribin' Methodist Presbyterian Church (Reformed). Fallyin' on frae these discussions the Rev Dr agreed til chair the Portglenone Cross Community Olympic Event Committee an' we established a small steering group til luk intil how til labby the Inglish.

After a wheen o' Plenary Sessions, Symposiums, Video Conferences an' bouts o' heavy drinkin' interspersed wi' violence, we hiv decided fur til make up yin o' them e-petitions that get sent roun' til ye the odd time. Frae whit we can work oot, if we get 100,000 folk til sign a demand that Portglenone gets an Olympic event, by law the request MUST be discussed in the House o' Cammons. This is clearly tae guid an appurtunity til miss. We hiv therefore sent the fallyin' up til the goverment an' await a response. When we get wurd back we'll let yis knae an' then ask yis all til seek oot an' sign it, an' hivin' done so, distribute it amung as many o' yer friens an' family as passible. 100,000 folk is a big thing til ask frae a wee country, but sure we cud rope in a few mainland folk til join in the crusade. Jays wudn't it be quare crack if we gat it.

Portglenone should get an Olympic Event in 2012, so it should.

We, the undersigned, being of sound mind, do hereby request,nay demand, that an event be held in Northern Ireland as part of the 2012Olympiad.

We demand, nay request, that the Synchronised Swimming isheld in the River Bann at Portglenone. An area of the Bann will be roped offfor the competition preventing intrusion by anglers and/or perverts. Folk willbe able to watch it from the marina, or up on the bridge, or the car park besidethe Wild Duck.

There are two changing rooms in the community centre, wanfor men and wan for women, and the hall could be turned into a media centre (nowi-fi, but folk could bring their dongle yokes). There is also a small, butclean, kitchen which provides tea making facilities. We have a right mobile phone signal, severalwell stocked shops and a rake of B&Bs.

The town is no stranger to sporting events, having hosted anepisode of the BBC's Towns Challenge a lock of years ago, albeit one wherePortrush cheated their way to victory.

Down with this surt of thing Part 2, and Free State Elections

2011-09-22T14:29:00.000+01:00

Down wi' this surt o' thing agin.

Edwin Poots has foun' hissel in wild bother again, this time o'er the heid o' Gay Folk an' their blood. Now Ah dinnae ken the full story, but it wud seem that there are some out there whit are mad for gettin' their hands on Gay Folk Blood, whilst Edwin thinks we shud let them keep it fur themselfs. Oddly this has come up fur in the England they have changed the rules to say that Fruits and the like can give blood, but oany if they havnae had sex in a year. This seems odd til me as it implies that oany ugly gay men who cannae git their end away can give blood, an guid lukkin' wans shudnae buther.

In a move which reflects the DUP's desire fur til make sure Northern Ireland is a fully signed up part o' the UK, Minister Poots has decided that we willnae fally suit, an' will continue til ban Gay blood fur "safety" reasons fur iver. Needless to say the Shinners and the UUP an' the like are gi'en aff about this, but Ah fur yin am backin' the Minister, as the sharin' o' Gay blood is likely fur til laid til the complete moral breakdown of oor society. Ah will demonstrate this logic fowerthwith.

If ye get give gay blood, ye are likely til become a wee bit gay. This is proven by scientific studies carried out in Larne which proved that when give a wee bit o' gay blood o'erwise nat Gay (normal) men started likin' candles an' goin' til the gym an' o'er Gay hobbies.
If this trend continued there wud soon be a chronic cushion shortage across Northern Ireland, as previously straight men piled so many of them on their sofa that ye cudnae sit on it.
In turn this wud lead til inflation in the candles an' cushions market, causin' womenfolk til become disgruntled an' potentially waste their money on shoes instead.
As a result o' this normal men who had nat been contaminated wi' Gay blood wud get cross wi' their wifes, fur they hardly noticed the candles an' cushions but now every time they opened the wardrobe shoes wud fall on them an' they'd fair notice thon.
This wud lead til an increase in divorces, and possibly a United Ireland, which is why the Shinners are in favour of it.

Free State Presidential Elections

Ah hid pretty much ignored this fur Ah hidnae heard o' any o' the candidates an' cudnae care less tae be annest, til suddenly the whole thing livened up the o'er day. Ah refer, o' coorse, til the decision o' Marty McGuinness til stan'.

In a move which wud potentially see the Free State take two o' oor bigger arseholes aff our hands in the space o' a year, Marty is lukkin' til join his friend Gerry workin' o'er the border, passibly whilst still claimin' in the North.

Themuns in the Free State have bin doin' a wild lot o' slaggin' o' Marty as a candidate, but he seems til me tae be richt an' well qualified fur the jab. Ma unnerstannin' o' the role o' Free State President is that the main' jabs are stickin' yer nose in up here an' bein' heid yin o' some armed forces, both things Marty has a fair bit o' experience off.

That said Ah feel unable til affer him ma full support in his campaign, an' thus Ah considered stannin' messel til affer the Ulster Scots o' the Free State a viable alternative. Howiver Ah hiv decided til step aside an insteid throw ma weight behine a mair viable candidate, namely Sir Jackie Fullerton. Ye can provide yer ain backin' here.

"Luk at the shape o' us" say Orange Order Heid Yins.

2011-09-15T12:56:00.001+01:00

TWATS

From the BBC Larne Newsdesk.

In a move designed fur til make their organisation a more popular, modern and attractive organisation, Orange Order leaders have announced that they are going to make giant sized arses of themselves on an intermittent basis. A spokesman from the Institution's newly formed "Look at us, look at us, we are a bunch of ringpieces" department, outlined the proposals.

Orangemen, particularly from the Sandy Row district, will replace the traditional bowler hat with a Victorian dunce cap. "The Dunce Cap was invented in Victorian times," said the LAULAUWAABOR spokesman, "And Queen Victoria was one of our greatest Queens. Thus we are showing our loyalty to the crown as well as our left field sense of humour."
Additionally members will be encouraged to write ""wanker", "kick me", "twat" and "I like boys" on post it notes and stick it to each other's backs when on parade. The spokesman claimed that this would reflect the order's religious background and interest in history, in some way or other.
Prominent members, especially those in senior positions of the UUP, who stand near Catholics, look at them in any way, perhaps speak to one or buy something in a shop owned by one, will be ritually stoned to death at a new site near Ballymena.
Members of the DUP who do likewise will be ignored.
The traditional image of King Billy at the Boyne which bedecks so many banners will be replaced with a giant picture of a horse's arse. "It will be a protestant horse", said the spokesman, "and thus a protestant arse."
"It would not be a catholic arse, no chance of that." He continued when pressed on the matter.
In future when complaints about members are made by one lodge or other, and it is the first item on the news, Orange Spokesmen will appear on that news item saying that the Institution's complaints procedure is a private matter which no one ever hears anything about because they are so good at being a secret organisation and never wash their dirty linen in public. It is to be hoped that the news folk will not point out that they are saying this on the news, for feck's sake, and that they are a bunch of tools.

It is thought that further developments are likely. The Twelfth will move to April Fool's Day, Bands will be forced to play the theme tune to Fraggle Rock and a giant penis will be carried at the head of the procession by some old men dressed only in orange loin clothes. In making these changes the Order hopes that it will make Unionism, and the Unionist population generally, more respected around the world.

Did you ever hear the like of it? Bunch of eejits.

Down with this surt of thing.

2011-07-31T16:55:00.003+01:00

From the BBC Aist Ards Desk.

Thousands turn up til celebrate Ballyhalbert's Big Jessie Pride Parade.

A fair clatter o' folk lined the streets of Ballyhalbert city centre for the annual Big Jessie Pride parade on Saturday.

Now in its 21st year, the Ballyhalbert parade is claimed til be the smallest o' its kind in Ireland an largely ignored in the UK.

Massive religious protests by nutters were held along the route but the organisers of the parade said it was good for Ballyhalbert.

They said they hid went til significant lengths to make it 'family friendly'. This means they got a rake o' bouncy castles in.

The parade kicked aff a number of events over the weekend includin' a massive drinkin' session on Sunday.

Poitry Agin.

2011-07-27T13:56:00.002+01:00

Ah hid occasion the day fur til raid "Oot an Aboot" the magazine o' the o'er Ulster Scots Agency. As heid yin o' the Real Ulster Scots Agency Ah rarely raid this brock, fur Ah hiv nae grant til put oot a magazine, insteid reliant on the powers o' the interweb til disperse ma cultural contributions. Ah clean near pished messel when a read a "poim" by some boy calt Wilson Burgess, dedicated til that icon o' Ulster Scots sport, Alex Higgins. Rarely in ma time as a Professor hiv Ah read such shite, writ like a wean fur a poitry campetition at wee school. It is 7 "verses" lang, sae Ah will oany copy a couple o' them oot fur yerselves.

Oor Alex,
by Wilson Burgess.

"Frae the Jampot tae the Crucible
It made nae odds tae him
Oor Alex tuk on al' comers
An' he wid maistly win

In Seventy two in Birmingham
Hae tuk the place bae storm
Little did wae al' know then
That a Hurricane wiz born.

(etc fur fower mair verses, then his sad demise)

Whin ill health tuk its toll
Oor Alex: Fight hae didnae lack
Hae'll bae tellin' them in Heaven noo
Hae wiz snookered bae the Black."

Jaysus Ah thunk til messel, nat oany is this poim shite, it is nat even writ in prapur Ulster Scots. All this gaein "tae" places, nat "til", an' sayin' "hae" insteid o' "he" is jist made up. Mair til the point the boy is gettin' paid fur til write it, an', it saims, til gae roun' schools raidin' it oot til weans. This minded me o' ma ain' foul mouthed Bate Poitry that Ah writ a wee while ago. Aulder raiders micht mind it, but fur the rest o' yis here is a couple o' them.

Farmers.

Lurchin tractor bastards
Blackin' the road
Haulin' tubes o' shite
In rush oor

Spade the feck up
oor pull over
Yis bastards.

Road Kill

Windaes rolled doon

The wireless blarin'

Parked up at the heid o' the toon

Lukkin' fur cuddies

Bullet heid lurkin'

Belaw the wheel o' the motor

Saits back, eyes deid

Wee feckers

Think they're in Ibiza

But they're nat,

It's Rathfriland

An' its pishin.

Tae which Ah add ma ain tribute til Alex Higgins.

Oor Alex

by Professor Billy McWilliams.

Feg smokin'

Drink takin'

Hat wearin'

Fast walkin'

Camp talkin'

Taylor threatenin'

Cantankerous Auld Bastard

Yer deid noo, so ye are.

Which is a wile shame

fur snooker is brock wi' oot ye.

Ah am sure ye wud agree ma poims hiv their ain distinctive style an' are wurthy o' further dissemination. Thus Ah hiv capied them intil an escreed an' sent them til the o'er Ulster Scots Agency. We shall see if Ah tae can get a grant fur til write shite an' gae roun' schools borin' the arse aff weans.

Phone Hacking - MLAs to quiz McWilliams.

2011-07-19T12:38:00.005+01:00

Frae the BBC Aughnacloy Newsdesk.

Heid Yin of 1690 an all thon, Professor Billy McWilliams, and his assistant Dr Wullie McIlveen will be quizzed by Stormount MLAs later on about a phone hacking scandal.

The pair are expected to be questioned about what they knew about the phone hacking at 1690 an all thon, a website that publishes Ulster Scots related pish. It is the first time that Professor McWilliams has appeared before MLAs although he did once bare his arse near Edwin Poots and was lifted about something involving wikilaiks a while back, though what it was we can't remember.

It is understood that a variety of allegations have been made about the top Academics.

That they hacked into Lovely Lesley Macaulay's mobile phone, deleting messages and leaving new ones that were wild rude.
In addition they hacked the phones of between 12 and 8000 top Ulster celebrities including the Big Lord Laird of Artigarvin, Rose Neill aff the news, Cecilia Daly and yer man Keith Burnside that used to do the Police 6 thing years ago on the UTV.
That a laptap containing durty pictures was found in a bin near Dr McIlveen's house. He says he threw it out after a particularly heavy Buckfast session and that any durty pictures on it were put there by Professor McWilliams.
That McWilliams has been getting photies of Ulster celebrities and the like, such as the one used to illustrate this article, and doctoring them using crap software he found on the internet, as well as making crude amateurish versions of party political broadcasts.
That they have made up a language for the sole purpose of getting grants.
That McWilliams has wasted the time of civil servants and business folk by sending in spurious applications to try to get small Ulster villages declared UK city of culture, the World Cup at Chimney Corner, Ian Paisley on Radio 2's Thought for the Day, gigantic bottles of Buckfast erected in Larne and Google to provide an Ulster Scots translation service.
That McWilliams is in fact not an academic, has been making up historical things, and that McIlveen is a figment of his imagination.

The handsome and dashing Professor McWilliams vehemently denies the allegations and has refused to close down the his so called website. Speaking near a field he stated "Ah vehemently deny these allegerations, an' refuse fur til close doon ma so calt website."

Ulster Scots Olympiad

2011-07-16T18:15:00.059+01:00

As yis will be aware, fur they niver gie o'er aboot it, the Inglis hiv the Olympic Games next year. Ah hiv til admit Ah missed a trick on thy'on, fur Ah shud hiv stuck in a bid messel. It wud hiv done the Ards economy nae end o' guid til hiv folk runnin fast round Kirkistown race track.

It has alsae nat escaped ma attention thit despite the fact it is the Great Britain an' NORN IRON Olympic team, none o' the events are bein' helt here, meanin' thit yer average Ulster Scot will hiv til travel til that Ingland til luk at Tie Quan Doh or whitiver. This Ah hope fur til rectify by puttin' taegither an Olympiad fur the Ulster Scot, featurin' all the tap sports o' the Hamely Folk. In turn it will provide a welcome boost til the tourism industry, fur Ah will invite teams frae the Ulster Scots diaspora til take part, makin' it a truly international event.

The Ulster team will wear the ootfit designed by Daveboy durin' oor high level discussions in the hoke oot thing on the side o' this page. Men will therefore wear dealer boots, an aff-white vest, janes wi' a wile baggy arse, a body-warmer an a sash. Weemen will wear the same but wi' flouncy dresses til below the knee an' American Tan Tights insteid o' janes. A flaming petrol bomb will be carried across Ulster afore being hurled intil an oil drum on tap o' a fleg pole til launch the event, tae the accompaniment o' a rake o' Lambegs. Fallyin' this openin' ceremony we will be trated til an extravagent display o' sportin' prowess, wi' venues across the pravince playin' host til a wide variety of sports.

Yin: Dippin'.

Whereas foreign surts swim, Ulster Scots prefer til gae fur a Dip. This consists o' wadin' oot o'er the seaweedy bits o' Portrush or Ballywalter strand, an then walkin' slowly aboot whilst shiverin'. Dippin' will be helt o'er a variety o distances an depths, wi' an elite category calt the dingy tow, where ye wade aboot wi a load o' cold weans in a rubber boat behine ye.

Twa: The Bouncy Castle.

The Bouncy Castle is now an intrinsic part o' Ulster Scots culture. If ye are havin' a march, contentious or o'erwise, addin' a bouncy castle turns it intil a family fun day, thus eligible fur grant funnin'. Participants will bounce aboot in it, wi' marks giv fur nat fallin' aff or bangin yer heid aff ano'er competitor. Again an' elite category o' Pished Bouncy Castle will be included fur the expert.

Thrie: Hokin'

Helt in a big barn outside Ballynabragget, competitors will be give a series o' things til hoke fur in bran tubs. Fastest hoker wins obviously, but there will the appertunity to gain points by stylish hokin'. Incidentally Ah hid occasion til drive through Ballynabragget the o'er day an Ah saw a man that lukked wile like Melvyn Bragg aff the TV. Ah didnae take a photy though, fur thy'on wud hiv bin rude.

Fower: Gettin Red Up.

This will fally the hokin, as the latter is likely til lave a wile mess. Thus ladies will be required til get the place red up wile quick.

Five: Sangwich Makin'

Another Ladies only event. Weemen will make a variety o' sangwiches wile fast fur menfolk til ate in a tea tent after a parade. The sangwich varieties will be limited til Ulster Scots staples - Egg an' Onion, Ham, Cheese an' Ham, must be cut into triangles (fur that is pash) an' placed on yin o' them wee skinny trays that ladies have for such a purpose.

Sax: The Nat Madurn Pentathalon

As alsae discussed wi' Daveboy, this will combine tap Ulster Scots Activities intil a single sport. Participants will be expected til master haulin' yokes, lashin' stanes, diggin' sheughs, atin' sodas an' drinkin tay. This event will take place in a big mucky field ootside Dromara when it is clean pishin'.

Seven: Speed Danderin'

Much the same as the o'er folk Olympics "Speed Walkin'" only slower, wi' staps fur a natter wi' o'er competitors an' til luk o'er gates at sheep.

Ate: Barneyin'

This will replace baxin', an will involve havin' a quare barney wi' yer opponent whilst wearin' protective headgear. Winners will be decided by an expert judgin' panel or by a knackoot. an weight divisions will range Bantyweight through til Heiferweight.

Nine: Rakin'

Motor sports are generally excluded frae the Olympics, but nat the Ulster Scots yins. As well as Motorcycle road racin' roun' Tandragee, Kirkistown Race Track will play host til a rakin' competition. Young cubs wi' their sates tae far back in their motors will rake round the track at a quare lick, while playin' loud shite music. They will then drive til a petrol station an' talk til eacho'er through open windaes, before bein' taul aff by the RUC/PSNI fur havin' illegal nummerplates.

Ten: Pole Dancin'

Nat really a sport, but then again neither is syncronised swimmin or beach vally ball an' Ah fancy judgin' it.

O'er matters.

The pole bust on the last post, sorry about that, but it luks like Shite Ship is goantae win, barrin' a late surge frae Christine Bleakley, coincidentally somethin' Ah think on aften.

Gigantic Statue thing competition.

2011-07-09T18:05:00.000+01:00

Ah was perusin' the news frae Scotland the o'er day an' come across a wee article describin' how they are fur gettin a gigantic statue type thing in Gretna til welcome folk o'er the border. Now in the England they hiv thon Angel o' the Nairth, an' they are chattin' aboot gettin a giant horse somewhere doon in the south. Maintimes we hiv feck all, an' Ah reckon this shud be rectified. Thus Ah hiv put ma heid taegither an' come up we some quintissentially Ulster Things which cud be stuck at papular arrival spats aroun' Norn Iron. Ah hivnae decided which yin Ah shud putt in fur a grant fur, an hape that yousuns will vote in the pole fur til help me wurk it oot.

Sculpture Yin:
Larne - The Buckfast o' The Nairth.
Folk arrivin' will be greeted wi' a giant battle o' oor national drink wi' the added attraction o' stairs up inside it so ye can throw empty yins aff the tap at various bastards below.

Sculpture Twa:
Belfast - Big Bleakley

A statue o' oor finest export, atap the City Hall. Tourists will alsae be able til luk up her skirt frae unnerneath. At laist thy'on is whit Ah wud dae.

Sculpture Three:

Newry - Virgin Veda.

If yer on yer way in frae the Free State, perhaps havin' gat lost an ended up there accidentally there wud be nathin' better til greet ye than an unsullied giant loaf o' oor national bread.

Sculpture Four:

Belfast alternate - Shite Ship

Belfast folk are uncannily proud o' havin' built a big shite ship, so we shud mark this by stickin' it in the middle o' the Lough in a manner which best marks whit it is famous fur.

Sculpture Five:

DerryLondonDerryLondon - Bright Lights, Shite City.

A tribute til oor second city's favourite pastime, wi' the added benefit o' gettin' rid o' thy'on "Hands across the Divide" brock which a child cud hiv come up wi'. The flaming tap will alsae be handy fur finin' yer way back til the Waterside shud ye get stuck amung the o'er surt after dark.

Anyhow thon is yer lat, get votin' an' Ah'll start til fill in the farms fur DCAL.

Pokematch.com

2011-07-05T20:54:00.003+01:00

Whilst perusin' the Newsletter, official newspaper o' the Ulster Scots community, the o'er day ma eye wis drew til the personal ad section. It saims thit there is a fair rake o' folk out there lukkin' fur love, but forced til rely on silly wee adverts extollin' their GSOH an' the like. This appears til me tae be a fairly unscientific way o' findin' a cuddy, sure whit can ye learn about someone frae a wee ad like thy'on. Ah, fur example, wud hiv til putt "Tap Academic, (P), aged 20 - 60, likes lyin' aroun' in his pants drinkin' chape beer. Seeks aisily plaised cuddy (P) til make his tay an' the like. Must hiv ain hair an' cheese grater fur the yin Ah hiv is frae pounland an' bends in the middle durin' the act o' gratin."

Noo obviously Ah am sorted fur Ah hiv ma Lovely Lesley, but o'erwise an interested cuddy wudnae hiv learnt tae much aboot messel frae the above description. In turn Ah hiv bin unable tae fully express the wide an' varied things Ah require frae herself. Like whither she kens how til prapurly cuk a soda an' willnae accidentally buy alcohol free beer frae fur her mawn's carry out. Thus Ah hiv decided fur til set up ma ain interweb datin' service fur the Ulster Scots community, cuttin' out the naid fur all that (P) and (RC) business an' ensurin' that if a cuddy latches ontil ye she'll knae how tae use the hamely tongue. In the absence o' any computational programmin' ability ye can complete the questionair below an' email it til messel. Ah will dae some complex sums an' try fur til set ye up wi' yer ideal love match.

Questionair thing.

Aboot You

Are ye: a) a cuddy b) a man
Religion: a) Presbyternian.b) nat Presbyternian but still a Pratestant.c) The o'er surt
Age:a) 18 - 25.b) 25 - 75.c) 75 or o'er
Height: a) Unner 5 fut. b) O'er 5 fut. c) nat sure
Weight:a) Skinny b) Middlin' c) Fat heifer.
Hair: a) Aye. b) Nay

Whit are ye lukkin fur?

Sax: a) a cuddy. b) a man. c) dinsae matter. d) Aye.

Religion: a) Presbyternian. b) nat Presbyternian but still a Pratestant. c) The o'er surt*

Age: a) 18 - 25. b) 25 - 75. c) 75 or o'er

Height: a) Unner 5 fut. b) O'er 5 fut. c) nat sure

Weight: a) Skinny: b) Middlin'. c) Fat heifer.

Hair: a) Aye. b) Nay

* if o'er surt selected plaise insure thit ye are the same surt as the o'er surt ye are lukkin fur.

Likes an' Dislikes
Give aich o' the fallyin' things a score oot o' ten, wi' wan bein' nat likin' the thing, an' ten bein' likin' the thing a wile lat. Oor computer will match ye til some folk wi' similar intrests.

Tractors _____ Yokes______ Marchin' ______ Pokes ______
Wullie Drennan _______Drinkin' heavily ______ The O'er Surt ________ Church _____
Hokin' _______The Rev Dactur the Big Laird Paisley o' Bannside _______ Wee Ian Paisley _______
Catriona Ruin ______ Lambegs ______ The Newsletter ______ The Irish News ______
Coos _________ Dugs ________ Yos ________ Pussies ______
Motors _______ Unusually shaped stains ________ Unusally shaped Stanes _____Sodas ________
Cheese _______Motor Cycle Road Racin' ________ Rose Neill aff the news _______ Shars ________
American Tan Tights _______ Lukkin' in fields at things whilst yer car is wile badly parked ______ Scratchin' _______ Protestin' at things ______ leanin' on walls ________ Skitterin' ______
Baths _______Y Fronts ______ Muck _______ Slight hills ________
stape hills _______ fegs _______Champ _______ Brock ________
Sausage Rolls _______ Sayin' "fur til" ________ Dancin' ______Radio Ulster _______
TnaG ______ The Twelfth _____ The Thirteenth ______ Portrush _____
Ibiza _____ Pontificatin' _____ Red Diesel ______ Flatulence ______

Furrer Infurmation.

Havin' complated the abuve ye are invited fur til write up til yin hunner wurds aboot yerself. Plaise include bank details an' a photy o' yersel if yer a cuddy. In the maintime Ah am alsae lukkin' intil a Gentlemawn's special interest site o' big gurls frae Ballynabragget.

Incontinental Airlines

2011-06-24T20:50:00.001+01:00

As tends til happen frae time til time Ah hivnae writ tae much o' late, but this is oany because nat tae much has been happenin' roun' an' aboot. There his bin the annual "Aist Belfast Crass Community Field Sports" (sponsored by Buckfast Tanic Wine) an' somethin' aboot schools, but Ah dinnae pay paid much heid til such regular shenanigans. Insteid ma eye was drew by a wee video posted by yin o' ma mair metrapalitan, an' indaid metrasexual, facebuk chums. This purported til be a "Welcome til Belfast" thing shewed til folk arrivin' frae the America on the Incontinental Airlines, but lukkin' at it Ah immedietly twigged that it was missin' oot oan some o' the mair idiosyncratic qualities o' oor wee land. Hence Ah gat oantil themuns in the America, an hiv bin commissioned fur til rewurk the fillum, an' am rasionably proud fur til present it til yis here.

Incidentally if any o' yis ken o' any video saftware o'er than Windows Movie Maker thit Ah can download fur nathin' let me ken, fur it is really startin til pish me aff.

Tis the Saison til go Marchin'.....

2011-06-11T20:13:00.001+01:00

Fa la la la la la, la la la la.

It wud saim we are fast approachin' the holiest time in the Ulster Scots religious calendar, the sacred saison which is the Marchin' yin. This fact wus brung hame tae me when the big fella in wurk forewent odd lukkin' kebab things an' announced he was on a diet fur til fit intil his suit fur the Twelfth. On further examination he revailed thit this suit wus reserved fur marchin, Masonic maitins an coort appearances, wi' attendance at the latter shortened by regular appearances at the farmer. At the moment we are in whit Ah like til term the "Advent period" o' the marchin' saison. Mini-Twelfths, which dinnae happen on any kine o' Twelfth whitsoever, an' road shuttin band parades predominate in anticipation o' the big events when we commemorate the Guid Laird sendin' us King Billy an' Governor Walker fur til save us frae hell, damnation, Popery an' RTE.

As such it a time o' reflection fur the committed Ulster Scot, a time fur takin' stock o' things an lukkin til the future, an Ah am nae acception. Ah hiv thus bin considerin' the marked decline in March Attendance in these secular times, whit wi' yung folk bein' mair interested in their X-Baxes an' Aye Pods than a guid walk in a contentious area. The Order hiv gone til some lengths til transform the whole extravaganza intil whit they now term "Orangefest", but in daein' sae they hiv merely pished aroun' the edges, never quite hittin' the middle o' the boul. Thus we hiv Lord Laird oan a big boat wi' a Lambeg, a wheen o' bouncy castles in a field, better toilet facilities an' hens in wee kilts daein' Scottish dancin'. Whilst Ah am all for wee cuddies swirlin' their legs aboot, Ah fur yin feel that this is all a bit like a pastor bringin' a gitar til church an' singin a rack version o' "Whit a Fren' we hiv in Jaysus." Slightly embarrassin' fur all concerned, aside frae Lord Laird wha' saims unembarrassable by anythin'. Therefore Ah tuk the liberty o' establishin' a thinkin tank fur til come up wi' better ways o' improvin' the Twelfth, an' Ah present the findins below.......

The Findins o' the March Thinkin Tank thing established by me.

A) Mair Contentious Marches - "There is nae such thing as bad publicity" said Oscar Wilde yin time, afore he gat hissel in wile buther o'er the heid o' bad publicity Ah assume, an the Marchin Saison lacks thon je nay say qua at the moment. The heidy days o' Drumcree are lang syne past, an oor youth are gettin saft. There is nathin' mair healthy fur a yung man than blackin' the odd road, it combines ootdoor activity wi' social interaction in a way that facebuk an' the Nintendo Wee cannae. Ah am quite sure the o'er surt wud be happy til be offended fur a bit as they wud get all the guid publicity laidin' til a win-win situation all round. In fak, if we thunk hard enough we cud prabably get a crass community grant fur it all.

B) A celebrity element - The Orange Order requires celebrity endorsements, somethin' which cud be achieved through the addition o' some kine o' reality TV type thing. Kinga frae Big Brother, H from Steps, Lembit Optic an' Lulu cud all be invited til live in Portydown fur a lock o' weeks tryin' til learn how til play the Lambeg. Simon Caul an' Sir Lord Alan Sugar cud judge them an' the winnin' team wud get til set light til a Bonefire an laid the parade on the big day.

C) A new dress code - suits an' bowler hats are nat a very fashionable luk, an' gie the wurld's media the appertunity to portray the Ulster Scot as a stern, dull individual. This cud be circumvented by introducin' fancy dress fur the parades. Orangemen dressed as sexy nuns, Fat Elvis an' characters frae Star Wars wud enliven proceedins an' lessen allegations o' sectarianism. Til a certain extent this has already been adapted in Tyrone were everyone dresses up as a farmer, an' by the Blood an Thunder bands who all dress up as Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club.

D) Pole dancers insteid o' speeches aff the back o' a lorry - only auld folk listen anyway an' it wud quare an' liven up the field.

E) .Better Music - It is a little knain fact that the Ulster Scot invented rack an' roll, somethin' Ah shall prove at some point or o'er, but fur tae lang there has bin a focus on what can be loosely be termed "Orange" music, ignorin' the music o' thon o'er Loyal Order - the Black. Ah am taul that yung folk are mair intil "Music o' Black Origin", sae the Risin' Sons o' William an all shud learn tunes by thon Jay Zed, 50 Pence an' Big Diddy.

Ah hiv thus sent ma suggestions til the Grand Lodge an' hope fur til see them adapted in time fur the 2012 demonstrations. Ah will let yis ken if they get back til me.

Ulster Scots Histry o' Ireland - Bit 14.

2011-05-31T14:22:00.002+01:00

John Knax wi' beard an' wee buik.

Fallyin' the plethora o' activity that is the election saison, Ah hiv noted the arrival o' a wile lock o' new raiders on this wabsite, directed here frae by high falutin' cammentaturs an' similar. Whilst welcomin' such folk, this is a worryin' development as theseuns might think that this is some kine o' palitical thing, rather than a cultural hub fur the Ulster Scots academic community. Thus Ah hiv decided fur til return til the roots o' the hole thingymajig, an' move ontil Bit 14 o' ma convaluted histry o' the Ulster Scots folk.

Whit wi' it bein' o'er a year since the last Bit aboot the Angle Normans, an whit wi' me knaein' feck all aboot the intervenin' period, Ah hiv decided fur til skip til the maist important event in the histry o' the wurld, the invention o' the Pratestant.

Now manies a time when Ah hiv bin debatin' histry, religion an' the like, some folk, mainly the o'er surt but sometimes themuns whit are nae surt at all, accuse messel an' ma coreligionists o' bein' Pratestants purely because Henry VIII was a dirty auld fat get who wanted til get rid o' his wife fur a new cuddy. Whilst there may be some truth in this argument in relation til the Anglican Church o' Ireland, an' we all ken there is oany a paper wall between themuns an' the o'er surt, it bares nae import oan the yin true faith o' Presbyternianism, Free or o'erwise. This true farm o' Pratestant came aboot unner the Refarmation.

Whit was the Refarmation?

As the word "refarmed" wud suggest, the Refarmation involved the farmin' o'er again o' somethin' that had already bin farmed afore, namely Presbyternianism. Frae ma lengthy studies oan the matter, includin' a short stint as Professor o' Religious Things at Annahilt Sunday School, Ah hiv larnt thit the o'er surt hid taken the pure Christian faith an' added stuff ontil it. Stuff like the Pope, purgatry, nat atin' mate o' a Friday, Blood Transfusions an' sayin' haitch instead o' aitch. They were clean gettin' away wi' it fur they made the Bible intil Latin an' kept the ordinary folk unnerinformed on matters, til a German Pastor called Martin Luther King Sr suddenly wised up an' decided fur til rectify matters. Thus in 1517 he writ a big thing an' started the whole Refarmation when he nailed his Testes to a church door in Wittenburg.

Whit the Pope did.

The Pope wasnae tae pleased about the Testes incident, an' summoned Luther King Sr til a big meetin' where he tried fur til make him eat Worms. He refused, an' thus invented pratestin'. Prior tae this naebody had ever pratested aboot anythin', mainly just gettin' a wee bit pished aff an' the like, an' sae we get the term Pratestant. Ah amnae tae sure whit happened next, fur it gets wile complicated, but it saims thit a wile lock o' important German folk agreed with Luther King. Afore he knew it, half the country was pratestin', he'd translated the Bible intil German, had accidentally gat married an' the Pope was rippin'. This in turn led til the Counter Refarmation, which Ah cannae even be arsed til think aboot whilst sober.

Mair Pratestants.

Havin' conquered Germany, Pratestantism soon began til spread across Europe, finally makin' it til Scotland in about 15 somethin'. Here it was spearheaded by John Knax, a man wi' a maist impressive beard who got intil a wile lat o' bo'er wi' the Catholic Regent o' the time, Mary o' Geese. He was forced by her til flee til England, an' then til Switzerland by their Queen Mary I. There he writ the famous "First Blast o' the Trumpet agin' the Monsterous Regimen o' Weemin", an early wurk in Ulster Scots that said that naebudy who had diddies shud be in charge o' countries, especially if they were calt Mary. This pished aff the new Mary Queen o' Scots, but on his return til Scotland he managed fur til get rid o' her an' a prapur man was put in charge, namely James VI. Although James was calt James, an inherently bad name fur a king (ref James II, who came after him even though he has a lower nummer) he was alsae a Pratestant, so all was well in Scotland.

Mainwhile

In England Mary I had died, thank feck, fur as well as bein' a notorious vodka drinker she had a wile habit o' burnin' Pratesants. She hid nae weans sae her sister Elizabeth was made Queen. She was pished aff wi' all the tooin' an' froin' o' religions fur half the time naebudy in England knew whit surt they were, somethin' that is still the case taeday. Elizabeth therefore decided til compromise betwain surts an' invented the Church o' England. Knax was havin' nain o' this, sae he invented the Church o' Scotland. Fur the uninebriated Ah shall detail the differences betwain the twa below.

Church o' England.

Is Anglican
Is wishy washy
Has a paper wall betwain it an' the o'er surt
Disnae believe in Predestination
Has Bishops
Disnae mind saints an' stain glass.
Has weemen who are good at makin' cakes an' sangwiches.

Church o' Scotland

Is Presbyternian
Isnae wishy washy
Has a brick wall wi' a murial o' King Billy on it betwain it an the o'er surt.
Believes in Predestination
Disnae hiv Bishops
Thinks ye can stick saints an' the like up yer arse.
Has weemen who are guid at makin' traybakes an' soda farls.

Thus by 1600 all religious conflict in England an' Scotland was o'er, fur everybudy had agreed fur tae be a Pratestant o' one surt or the o'er. Ah hape that ma' writins hiv made the hole thing a bit clearer fur the lat o' yis fur now the stage is set fur the second maist important event in wurld histry, the Plantation o' Ulster.

A very short one: McWilliams denies being dirty auld git..

2011-05-24T15:20:00.003+01:00

From the BBC North Antrim an' Larne Newsdesk.

"A tap Ulster Scots academic named on Twitter as havin' an injunction thing o'er the heid o' supposedly shaggin' some reality TV cuddy has been named in Stormount as Professor Billy McWilliams. The academic was named unner a rule that lets MLAs an' the like say whitiver they want in Stormount, even if it is a feed o' shite.

Spakin' through his letter bax at his spacious hame near Lenaderg, Professor McWilliams denied the allegations. "Ah dinnae even listen til thon Big Bro'er brock on the wireless" he claimed, "Ah alsae dinnae ken whit a super injunction is, is it some kine o' cacktail?" Pressed further on the matter, he made the followin' admission. "Tae be fair, Ah've seen the wee cuddy in the paper an' she's a quare wee yoke, so she is. Ah might, ye ken, if she asked nicely."

The super injunction was issued in the high coort after upwards o' three folk on Twitter named Professor McWilliams as being the academic at the centre o' the allegations. Professor McWilliams claims he "Knaes where they live an' will have them shat."

Professor McWilliams made o'er 600 appearances for Manchester United on FIFA 95 for the old Playstation 1, makin' him one o' the teams most decorative players."

Twitter is a social nat wurkin' thing that allows paliticians an' the like til annoy ye even when they arnae at a computer."

Royal Visits til the Free State: A Retrospective.

2011-05-17T15:03:00.002+01:00

As oor Queen visits the cloudier part o' this island for a lock o' days, Ah thunk it might be interestin' fur til take a luk at previous royal visits til Ireland. Many o' the papers hiv mentioned Queen Victoria an' King George comin' o'er, but Ah hiv decided til luk at three mair ancient visits. In daein' sae Ah hope fur til putt an end once an' fur all til the difficulties between oor twa nations, bringin' peace an' harmony til us all.

King Henry II, 1171.

As we seen in Bit 13 o' ma histry o' the Ulster Scots in this land, Henry II was nat a prapur royal king bein', as he was, both a French foreign an' the o'er surt. These basic facts shud make themuns sit up an' take notice, fur it was their surt that started it, nat oors. Unner the orders o' the Pope, Henry sent an army o'er in 1169 til subjectgate the Irish folk an' make them intil the o'er surt, but didnae visit hissel til 1171. At this point he papped o'er so that the Irish chiefs cud pay homage til him. Ah amnae tae sure whit homage is, tae be fair, but as a result o' it bein' paid, Henry was duly crowned "Lord o' Ireland".

King John I. 1185 an' 1210.

King Henry thunk it wud be a good idea fur til make his son John Lord o' Ireland insteid, fur til gie him a wee bit o' responsibility. A bit like gittin' yer wain' til cut the grass an' throwin' him a wheen o' poun' fur his money bax. Wee John came o'er til luk at his new lands in 1185, but made a bit o' an arse o' hissel. Apparently he was shacked til see that Irish kings had big long "ZZ Tap" style beards an' proceeded til grab them an' laid them aboot like wee pups. The Irish kings werenae tae plaised aboot this, and John went hame in bad form. Howiver he rectified this mistake in 1210 when he came o'er wi' a rake o' knights an' the like an' kicked the shite clean out o' a lock o' Angle Normans whit were causin' a bit o' bother. This included the first royal visit til Ulster, when he called at Carrickfergus castle an' flung racks at it. The Irish chiefs seem fur til have liked this, fur they all joined in throwin' racks, an' hivnae really stapped since.

King James I an' King Billy.1689 - 1690

Betwain' 1689 an' 1690 Ireland was fortunate enough til have nat one but twa Royal visitors, who made extensive toors durin' their stays. King James arrived first an' fannied about afore decidin' til visit Londonderry. Here the populace taul him til get til feck an' fired stuff at him. In response James surrounded the town wi' French folk an' the Derry Wans celebrated by atin' rats an' firin' stuff at the French til some boats arrived.
Meanwhile the o'er King o' England, King Billy, alsae travelled til Ireland, visitin' Carrickfergus an' tyin' his horse til a tree in every village betwain there an' Dublin. On July 1st the twa kings met up at the Boyne where King Billy knacked James' pan in, despite the Pope bein' there an' everythin'. The date o' the battle was later moved til the Twelfth fur til fit in wi' the rest o' the marchin saison. Incidentally historians now believe there is nae truth in the children's rhyme aboot King Billy havin' a ten fut willy, as the chances o' him showin' it til the woman next door, with her mistakin it fur a snake an' hittin' it wi' a rake, are slim.

Thus oor Queen's visit til themuns is but yin in a lang line o' visits. It is til be hoped that she disnae pull any beards, fling racks at anythin', surround any towns wi' French folk, fight wi' her in-laws or change the religion o' the people. An indaid that Prince Philip disnae show his willy til the woman next door.

Balmoral an' all Agin

2011-05-13T20:56:00.000+01:00

Due til technical issues at thon Google, this post disappeared. Cannae mind whit Ah said now, somethin' about this post bein frae last year fur nathin' changes anyhow. An' thit someone hid requested it in Hoke Oot, now thit Ah remember.

http://1690andallthat.blogspot.com/2010/05/cultural-extravaganza.html

Election 2011 agin'. Whit we hiv larnt frae it. The election Ah main.

2011-05-09T01:44:00.002+01:00

And sae the annual ritual o' the big countin' up is o'er, an' it is time fur palitical pundits like messel til take stock. Ah hiv examined the results in a depth, an' present til yis the fallyin' conclusins which Ah hiv drew frae the results, an' the like.

The UUP are fecked:

They hiv nat so much fallen betwain' twa stools as walked in a pair o' them an' then tread them all o'er the carpet. On the yin hawn, ye hiv lovely Basil wi' his hair an' his wee friends, scootin' aroun' the metrapolis like a wee smart car wi' jazz oan the Aye Pod. On the o'er ye hiv Tam settin' the muck spreader til full blast oan the back o' his Massey, an' slippin' "The Best of Corbet Accordian Band" intil his 8 track. Ye cannae be the TUV, DUP, Alliance an' Conservatives all at the same time, Ah think, in fact it is a miracle anybudy votes fur yis at all.

The SDLP are slightly less fecked but still fecked:

Bewliderinly they still haul on til Derry, though they gat aroun' the issue o' nat hivin a big name like Mark Durkin by fieldin' a candidate calt Mark Durkin. Howiver, much as Ah like her, wee Margaret gets madder an' madder by the day. Ah am now sae distracted by her han' movements that Ah've furgat whit she said before she finished sayin' it. They alsae hiv nae foxy candidates.

The Alliance are very, very smug:

But still hiv as much chance o' gettin' a sait west o' the Bann as Ah hiv o' bein' the next Pope.

The Green Party are alsae very very smug:

But, tae be fair, ye gat yin sait in the land o' the smug, an' 0.9% o' the vote nationally. Ye can stick yer bicycle powered wind farms up yer overly fibred arses. An' get yer hair cut while yer at it.

Paliticians shud nat confuse facebuk wi' the real wurld.

Wee Dawn is oot, an' the whole social medium wurld loved her. Unfortunately hivin' 2.3 million friends oan FB does nat equate til a similar nummer o' votes in the election. Ah shud knae, Ah hiv 6 hunner odd friends, Ah hiv oany met aboot 6 o' them, an' Ah dinnae even like themuns.*

The Dupers an' the Shinners hiv it sewed up fur the foreseeable future:

Peter his rid the storm, much as Iris did, and the Shinners hiv weathered the great intellectual loss thit was Gerry emigratin' til the Free State. It is startin' til feel thit votin' fur them is the default option o' the Ulster people. Feck up the watter crisis? Tap the pole. Make an arse o' the finances? Tap the pole. Pretend that God made the Giant Causeway? Tap the pole.

Jiummy Spratt is an arse.

Bastard.

The folk o' Aist Londonderry are Blind an' Stupid.

Bastards.

*Ah dae like yis really.

Election 2011 - Live.

2011-05-06T16:17:00.054+01:00

Unrivaled Election Coverage™ frae oor Ulster Scots media centre, near Lenaderg.

16.13: Have bin til the shaps. Stella is on affer in Tesco, so Ah might be rubbered later on. Yis hiv bin warned.

16.15: Brakin' News - BBC say Feck all likely til happen fur a while, so Ah micht clean the bathroom. Small farmer type man in West Tyrone reckons thit the DUPers will get twa saits.

16.25: Donna Traynor lukkin' hat in a wee blue number. She is talkin' til two glypes oan laptaps, Ah cud hiv done thon fur them.

16.30: Thon wee cuddy in the Belfast count is a bit o' a fax. Naebudy is countin' anythin'.

16.45: Very, very bored. Tam Elliot says "done" when he shud hiv said "did". Even wee Billy has mastered thon. Have made a swingameter, nat sure how til make it wurk yit, Ah'll see later on.

16.50: Yvette Shapiro interviews Ian Paisley Jr. Beauty an' the Baste.

17.00: Brakin' News - Lovely Lesley on the BBC....... Jays Ah hape she gets in, Ah fancy bein' a kept man. Now Sammy is on, lukkin' a bit red in the face, surprisinly

17.30: Decided fur til hiv somethin' til ate. Nearly 6 o'clack, micht hiv a wee beer then. Wee Margaret is on now, she becomes mair like a Thunderbird puppet by the day.

17.56. Bored beyon' belief now, micht watch the Simpsons for a bit.

18.43: Beer two. Nae results in, if Ah was on TV now Ah'd interview a fat palitician about how there are nae results in. Swingameter is rusted up.

19.00: The normally erect swingameter has goan limp. Rugby on the red button.

19.03: Brakin News: Someone has bin elected whilst Ah was tryin' til get the Rugby on.

19.05. Conor Murphy taps the pole in Newry an' Armagh, despite bein' unable til fix a burst pipe. Danny Kennedy reaps the benefit o' ma endorsement earlier in the week, an' some o'er boy alsae gets in.

19.15: Davy Vance gets feck all votes in Upper Bann. A sad day fur yin o' Ulster palitics true gentlemen.

19.20: Rugby workin' now on the Red Button. Ulster 8 nathin up.

19.34: Eamonn McCann on BBC, he really is a very odd man.

19.37: Jimmy Spratt could ate nathin' but fat, he might hiv ate his wife. He is oan by the way, an' Ah hate him

19.50: Aist Londonderry - not lukkin guid for ma Lesley. She is still a winner in ma eyes. Sigh.

20.00: Gregory Campbell an' Noel Thompson are goantae come til blows.

20.05: Basil's hair and Edwin's ears are returned in Leggen Valley.

20.18: 5.8% of the folk in South Down voted UKIP. Mentalists. Ah had furgat how strong Stella is by the way. Might need a lie doon in a wee bit.

20.20: Wee.... Margaret...... Ritchie (gesticulates) has.... been...... returned...... (makes point using hands)

20.32: Brakin News: They cannae count in Foyle an' Londonderry. Ah blame Martina Anderson. Fur most things.

20.40: Arlene is rippin' about the election takin' ages. It micht be quicker if themuns in Fermanagh didn't try an' fiddle it all the time. Anyway, the oany folk who are cross are folk aff the news. Incidentally someone just phoned me lukkin for Colin, if yer name is Colin, let me know an' Ah'll send ye the number.

20.47: If the UUP don't sort themselves out Ah'll hiv til stan messel.

20.53: Jeffrey Donaldson has a remarkably small mouth. He must purse his lips a lot whilst perusing the fillums oan hotel televisions.

20.56: Coverage suspended, Million Poun Drap is oan Four.

22.20: Brakin News: My Lesley is out - Shame on yis Aist Londonderry, Shame on yis. Yiv gat Gregory Campbell, Ah hope yis are plaised wi' yersels. Ah hid bin savin' this picture fur wee Sammy gettin' elected, but this is whit Ah think o' yis. Bunch o' ring pipes, the lat o' yis.

22.21: Conveniently ma picture o' a horses arse allows me til tell ye thit Mervyn Storey his bin elected.

22.43: And still there for Peter Robinson. Jaysus Ah am rippin about ma Lesley.

23.01: Pat Doherty is in, so he is oan his way back til Donegal in his motor, an' so is Marty. God this is depressin'. AND Sammy Wilson.....

23.15: We are now intil the fightin' wi' eacho'er bit o' the election coverage. Everybudy has furgat how til count, tables are collapsin, hair dryers are blowin', Barry McElduff is makin' up an entire new language.

23.50: Suspending coverage, with a broken heart. And inflamed liver.

Saturday:

17.07: Tae hungover til commentate til now. Never buying Stella again, even if it is on affer. Tam Elliot has just made an arse o' himself in Fermanagh, Ah assume he his bin elected, and passibly drinkin'.

17.26: Gentleman Jim Alister is in fur Nairth Antrim, lookin' cross there. Ah am wild good at predictin' these things, aside frae Lesley.

17.50: Yvette Shapiro hits somebody aff camera wi' her microphone. Jim Allister is shoutin' an' pointin' at folk behine her.

18.32: Nathin happenin' fur a bit, Tam Elliot losin' the bap has bin the highlight, alang wi' Jim scowlin'. He has perfected a Johnny Rattenesque sneer, perhaps indicatin' a career in punk rack when he retires frae palitics.

19.39. Brakin News: Big Ross is elected in West Trone. Ah hiv a picture of him wearin' amusinly short sacks somewhere, will luk it out.

19.45. Foun it. Ross is on the left. Saims til me he shud win twa saits, he will naid a special one built fur him up in Stormount. Lesley is in the middle. Fools the lat o' yis. That is the last time Ah visit Limavady.

19.47: Brakin News: Shinners bate wee Rodney McCune in Aist Antrim. He has quite impressive hair as well. This has bin a worryin' election fur those wi' an interest in paliticians hair. Oany Basil an' Alban hiv helt up the unusual hair standard. Mike Nesbitt disnae saim til even wash his.

20.00: Edwin Poots an' Jim Wells are likin' rude things on FB again. Must be a virus.

20.40: Still nathin happenin' "Britain's Gat Talent" still has had nae lambegs oan.

20.45: So farewell til wee Dawn. Aist Belfast does very odd things indaid.

20.55: Sandra is in then. Ah quite like her. Britain's gat talent has a French on it. Surely this is missin' the point?

21.32: Leslie Cree is elected in Nairth Down. Ah dinnae ken whether thon is a boy Leslie or a girl Leslie, but it is the wrang Lesley.

21.45: A green boy elected in Nairth Down. Tae many green folk in there already. Ah think that is important in terms o' ministers in the executive, but dinnae ken why

21.50: Runner up in ma Foxiness competition, Michelle O'Neill, is in somewhere. Ah think that is it over?

21.52: It is over, thank feck. Ah'll analise the results at some point or other, but we'll leave it at that. Night viewer.

Election 2012 - Who fur til vote fur.

2011-05-04T14:54:00.004+01:00

Alas the election is near upon us, an' Ah hiv let yis doon through ma inadequate coverage. In ma defence Ah hiv bin drivin' a yoke all night when Ah shud hae bin drinkin' heavily an' watchin' high falutin laiders debates but til be hanest it hisnae bin the maist excitin' o' campaigns. Although Ah micht hiv missed oot on a few o' the highlights,. whit wi' all these Royal Weddins', bank hallydays (dae themuns in banks iver wurk?) an' a general apathy, it his bin a somewhit dull affair. Yid hardly nae it was oan aside frae all the shite thit lands oan yer doorstep ivery mornin', urgin' ye til vote fur some cross eyed non-entity stannin' til be a councillor in a ward ye didnae ken ye lived in. Howiver Ah hiv bin examinin' the differen' constituencies an' will dae ma best til advise yis oan who til vote fur. As usual Ah will dae ma best til be unbiased an' non-sectarian, though til be fair Ah'm hardly likely fur til urge yis til vote fur the o'er surt.

How fur til vote in.......

Aist Antrim: The continued success o' wee Sammy is somethin' o a mystery til me. Folk say that shite floats, but how this wee turd has resisted bein' flushed o'er the years is beyond ma ken. The bare arsed, red cheeked, self effacing financial genius will nae doubt tap the pole, but Ah urge yis all til vote fur Roy Beggs, fur Ah met him once an' he poked me back on Facebuk.

Aist Belfast: If Ah accidentally foun' messel livin' in Aist Belfast, perhaps as a result o' some kind o' heid injury or the like, Ah wud hiv nae choice but til vote fur Wee Dawn. Unlike the o'er palitical parties, she cannae afford fancy election broadcasts, sure she never has thon wee red jacket aff her, but ne'rtheless she seems til irritate themuns in Stormount, an' thus deserves oor support.

Aist Londonderry: An aisy pick fur me here, as Ah cannae gae past ma betrothed, the delectable Lesley Macauley. Rarely can brains, beauty an' political albumen hiv come together in such a heady mix.. Any man who disnae vote fur her is clearly blind, an' any hen jealous, fur lovely Lesley puts the egg in the cup of Ulster palitics.

Fermanagh an' South Trone: Arlene Foster. Despite bein' a member o' the DUP, Arlene is quite smart, but the main reason she deserves yer vote is because o' this picture. Her DUP jacket is a fashion must for the summer season, and ladies would do well to follow her trend setting combination. Tom Elliot annoys me a bit, nat sure why, though tae be honest all Unionist laiders hiv annoyed me since Carson.

Foyle an' Londonderry: There appears fur til be nae Ulster Unionist stannin' this time roun' but that disnae matter fur Ah reckon yis shud back Eamonn McCann. Poor auld Eamonn has been stannin' unner any nummer o' guises fur farty odd years, so it oany saims fair til gie him a shot. Alsae Ah reckon he'd shite hissel fur he might hiv til dae somethin' insteid o' lyin' on his arse pontificatin' an' hingin' aboot wi' students.

Leggen Valley: Nae Jeffrey this time roun', he is concentratin' his efforts on Westminister an' transferrin' his old VHS collection ontil DVD Ah think. Edwin Poots is stannin' an' Ah am tempted til ask yis til support him as Stormount needs "big brains" in these troubled economic times. However you should support the next laider o' the UUP, Basil McCrea. For too long there has been a shortage o' Basils in palitics, an' he has very nice hair.

Mid-Ulster: Ah will surprise yis all here an ask yis til back Martin McGuinness, Martin has come on laips an' bouns in racent times, an' as laider o' the DUP's military wing he has managed to keep the hotheids unner control. Ah alsae quite like the o'er DUP candidate in these parts, young Ian McCrea, even if he disnae hiv his brother Basil's hair.

Newry an' Armagh: The successful candidates in this constituency will be representin' nat yin but twa cities, a feat unsurpassed in British palitics. Ah had a look down the list an' dinnae really fancy any o' them. Murphy made a ballix o' the watter crisis sae Ah dinnae like him an' Ah hivnae heard o' the DUP one. This leaves me wi' the UUP's Danny Kennedy, fur Ah saw him in a car park the o'er day an' he said hello til me da.

Nairth Antrim: This area has traditionally been represented by mentalists, an' ye shud ensure this continues by votin' fur the TUV's Jim Allister. He wud be likely til wreck all roun' him in Stormount an' besides that Ah cannae stick Mervyn Storey. Rarely can a constituency have had twa candidates who luk mair like a pair o' slapped arses.

Nairth Belfast: Alban Maginness o' the SDLP does hiv incredible hair, but this is trumped by the beard o' Nelson McCausland. Nelson has unwittinly backed many o' ma campaigns o'er the years, sortin' oot the lack o' balance in the Ulster Museum fur example, an as heid yin o' DCAL he is ma best chance o' a grant so Ah'd better be nice til him.

Nairth Doon: An area wi' a history o' an independently minded electorate, an' thus Ah back Alan McFarland. Tae be honest Ah hivnae heard o' any o' the o'er ones, although Ah was tempted by the Shinner candidate as Ah feel a wee bit sorry for him. Stuck there on a hidin' til nathin', he'd hiv mair chance sellin' Celtic shirts in Portavogie.

South Antrim: Good til see the British National Party stannin' in this constituency, whit wi' oor historic shortage o' palitical heid bins. However Ah willnae back them on this occasion, optin' insteid fur the Alliance's David Ford. Poor auld David needs a wee bit o' support, whit we him bein' party laider and Minister fur Justice, but naebody gien a shite about him since Naomi gat intil Westminister.

South Belfast: Ah really cannae stick Jimmy Spratt an' hiv failed til back any SDLP yit so will go fur Alasdair McDonnell. Ah wud hiv backed Michael McGimpsey but he saims wild angry o' late, he might be bad wi' his nerves. an' Alasdair is short o' cash wi oany his MP an' GP's salaries til rely on, so it oany saims right. God Ah hate Jimmy Spratt.

South Doon: Ah'm very tempted til go wi' Jim Wells here, fur he seems like a dacent fella an' he keeps accidentally sharin' rude things on Facebuk. However Ah hiv nae choice but til back the Alliance's Davy Griffin.fur he taught me histry an' palitics at school. Wi'oot him ma immense knowledge o' histerical an' cultural matters wud be less bountyfull sae ye hiv him til thank, oor blame.

Strangfurd: In palitics as in life, we must all move forward, and whilst Ah still pine fur Iris a little, Ah am prepared til affer ma support til Michelle McIlveen o' the DUP, the party's new wee pin up girl. Ah was goantae back Mike Nesbitt o' the UUP but Ah keep gettin' him mixed up wi' Frank Mitchell aff the weather.

Upper Bawn: Ma hame constituency, but naebudy asked me til stan'. The UUP drapped Flash Harry after the election last year, an act o' folly fur at laist folk hid heard o' him. He is now stannin' fur the Alliance, an' Ah considered stickin' wi' him, but the fact o' the matter is that Joanne Dobson is better lukkin'. Interestinly the Alliance party appear til hiv the longest ladders in the constituency as their posters are highest up the lamp posts. Conversely the TUV (in the form o' Davy Vance) seem til oany have wee totty ladders, a fact which may interest the pundits.

West Belfast: Now thit Gerry is aff wielding power in the Free State there is a rare opportunity for Unionists to seize control in West Belfast. Sinn Fein voters will be confused by a Gerryless ballox paper, allowing Captain Bill Manwering til pick up transfers left, right and centre.

West Trone: Unionist candidates here appear til be chosen on girth rather than brains, an' til be hanest the field is nat exactly stimulatin'. Ah'll stick wi' Big Ross Hussey for the moment, though Ah cannae see him gettin' in. Pat Doherty will nae doubt be makin' some o' his guest appearance in the area at the moment, afore vanishin' back til Donegal for 5 years.

The Referenendum: This is an extremely complex affair. Sae far as Ah can wurk oot the AV system is a bit like bein' a dog wi' twa appendages. If ye miss oot wi' yer dick o' choice, yer second dick might still get in. Whit reprecussions this might hiv fur oorselves Ah amnae tae sure, but Ah note thit the Shinners are in favour o' it. thus Ah assume we should vote Nay.

There ye hiv it, Ah hape this is o' some use til the undecided voter. Ah will be endeavourin' til provide ma unsurpassed election coverage on Friday when the votes come in, work permittin'. That said Ah hiv a do til gae to thit evenin' so Ah might be pished.

Dissident Ulster Scots threat level raised.

2011-04-26T13:24:00.000+01:00

Paliticians an' security experts were last night digestin' the statement issued oan behalf o' the Nine County Saverignty Committee at the 95th Annual Easter Egg Hunt in Poyntzpass. The self styled "Real Ulster Scots Agency" split aff from the mainstream organisation in protest at their acceptance o' peaceful means in the quest to reunify Ulster, bringin' the occupied 3 counties back unner the crown. Like their dissident Repubican counterparts, the Real USA is mainly composed o' inbred rural types, the surt o' folk who lean against walls starin' at ye when ye drive past, use a tractor tae go shappin' an' get their haircut by their sister. Anyway, whilst in no way condonin' their views, Ah publish their statement below.

Statement on behalf o' the Nine County Saverignty Committee.

We the Army Council o' the Nine County Saverignty Committee, call fur the immediete withdrawal o' Free State troops frae the occupied counties o' Danegal, Managhan, an' Cavan. Fur tae long the folk o' these counties hiv bin mauled by the so-called Celtic Tiger, forced fur til buy bainne insteid o' milk, get stuck in traffic when themuns go til church, an' go to the swings on a Sunday. We reject the demands o' constitutional unionists, the pratestant churches an' the Orange Order demandin' that we fally exclusively peaceful means, an' are lukkin' intil gettin' a gun. Wullie Jameson reckons he has a few auld ones stuck somewhere in his rafters an' he'll loan us them fur a bit..

Ulster Scots livin' in the three counties who turn traiter til the cause, by atin' the wrang surt o' Tayto, drivin' Opels instied o' Vauxhalls oor buyin the Irish editions o' the papers, will be regarded as legitimate targets. It is fur us til decide where the border shud be, based oan a romantic 19th century view o' nationhood, nat the democratic process, so yousuns can all get til feck.

We alsae reject the Queen's visit til the Free State, fur she has nae business goin' there. She is oor Queen. an' she'd be better aff goin' til the Twelfth.

God Save the Queen.

Love

The Nine County Saverignty Committee.

There ye hiv it. Ah attempted fur til get a statement frae a source close to the security forces, but a dinnae know their nummer.

TUV Election Broadcast, 2011.

2011-04-23T19:16:00.003+01:00

A rarely seen TUV election broadcast, foun' in the archives o' the University o' Mid Antrim's Media an' Arseholes Studies Department. Ach Ah was bored an' hungover.

How fur til make an Election Broadcast

2011-04-20T16:31:00.000+01:00

It saims til me thit there is a wild lat o' these things knackin' aboot this year, an' tae be hanest Ah cannae be arsed keepin' up wi the translations. Ah've therefower tuk a look at the lat o' them, an' made yis a handy guide til allow yis tae make yer own at hame. This will allow me til move on til mair pressin' matters, like the Royal Weddin', an' drink.

Shinner Broadcast 2011

2011-04-19T15:40:00.003+01:00

Jays but these broadcasts are hard tae keep up wi'. Ah am sorry fur ma failure til maintain wi' ma pubic service remit, Ah shud his hid this thing up a week ago, ut as mentioned before,Ah spilt beer all o'er the affice laptap. Anyhow Ah hiv duly added subtitles fur the hard o' thinkin' an in daein sae noticed a mair than passin' resemblence til last years yin. Ye kin decide fur yerselves whither paliticians jist keep feedin' us the same auld shite o'er an' o'er.

O'er matters.

Lovely Lesley won the pole, an so she shud. Ah hape thit this is a sign o' future election success roun' the corner. Howiver Jim McDonald remains incarcerated in the Big Hoose, somethin' must be done. By somebudy.

Free the Weatherfield Wan

2011-04-15T14:23:00.002+01:00

"Freeee, eee, Nelson Mandela," was, Ah think, the chorus o' an advert fur Special K back in the 1980s, a gift affer unsurpassed by any o'er breakfast cereal in racent times. Now Ah ate a wile lat o' Special K in the hope o' findin' one in the bax, an' neither gat an iconic South African laider nor indeed the figure o' a curvy hen in a red dress, furiver makin' be doubtful o' the claims o' advertisments, but Ah digress.

Mair importantly yet again a great icon o' the madurn era fines himself incarcerated, lanquishin' behine bars unner an' oppressive regime. Aye, Ah am sad til say thit Big Jim McDonald frae Coronation Street his bin lifted.

"Fur why," yis may ask, "Shud we concern oorselves wi' a character oan the wireless television when there is an election on?" an' Ah concede in maist cases ye might hiv a point. Big Jim, howiver, transcends mere soap stardom, he is a cultural beacon fur all things Ulster. Some, mainly messel admittedly, view him as a latter day metaphor fur the position o' the Ulster Scot in these troubled times. Moody; incoherent; usually half cut; occasionally violent, he is ne'ertheless blindingly loyal til an English harlot whit wud sell him doon the river at the first appurtunity. As such he demands oor respect an attention, so he does, an' oor support in his oor o' naid.

Aware as Ah am o' ma ain cultural significance an' influence, Ah wud like til use this fourum fur til urge ma high level raiders frae the palitical an' media classes til fine the time til take up Big Jims cause. Til youse Unionists oot there, Ah wud remine ye thit Big Jim served in her Majesty's Armed Forces wi' distinction, an indaid Ah vaguely remember an' exchange wi' Betty Turpin where he said he'd like til be hame fur the parades. Ma Nationalist fallyers shud nat be dissuaded by this, fur Jim is o' coorse an Irishman helt unner the evils o' the British penile system. As such he deserves the support o' folk frae all sections o' oor community, a great man is suffering an' we must come to his aid, his only crime is rubbery.

Conveniently a Facebuk Group has been created til this very end by some boy or o'er, an' Ah urge yis all til join it, so Ah do.

The Election.

Ah'm aware thit ma coverage his fallen by the wayside this last week or so, this wus doon til technical difficulties raither than pure bone idleness. Basically Ah cowped a beer o'er ma laptap an' haff the keys wudnae wurk. Ah considered postin' usin' oany twa vowels but it appeared til make even less sense than usual. Fortunately ma crisis management skills kicked in, after a week, an' Ah hid the brainwave o' buyin' a keyboord rather than an entirely new computational device. Thus Ah intend fur til have a wee gander at the Shinner broadcast later oan, if Ah can stay sober an' awake lang enough.

UUP Broadcast 2011

2011-04-09T22:58:00.000+01:00

A finer collection o' folk his rarely bin gathered taegither fur yin amateurish piece o' shite. Is the Shinner yin oot yit? Ah micht hiv missed it, due til bein' at wurk when Ah shudnae be. Nae Lesley in this. Ah was quite lukkin' fairwurd til watchin' her o'er an' o'er agin. Hapefully she'll be in the next one, lukkin' lovely.

Lovely Girls Competition.

2011-04-08T20:48:00.002+01:00

Acoordin' til the palitical parties, this election is tae be differn frae previous years. Nae mair auld shite aboot the border, this yin will centre on real issues, like health, educkation, jabs an' self promotion in the hope o' gettin' back handers from praperty develapers. Thus as voters we are entitled fur til focus in on whit matters til us, namely the general attractiveness o' the candidates, an' use oor franchise based oan which o' them we fancy the arse aff. Nae mair can the Shinners hide behine Bairbre de Bruin's crinkly face, or the UUP rely on Daphne Trimble's ample charms, Ulster people demand mair glamour. In order fur til assist yis, Ah hiv hid a luk at all the party candidates, an' considered which o' them Ah wud affer a lift hame til after a dance down the hall. Some o' them wudnae be allowed intil the hall tae be fair, an' the chances are Ah'd be tae pished til drive them, but anyway, this is the best Ulster palitics can affer.

SDLP

Magdelena Wolska:

Magdalena, she's the yin in the middle.

Ah'm nat exactly pickin' frae a broad field here, since despite bein' led by wee Margaret, oany 3 o' their 28 candidates are hens. In any o'er country this wud cause a scandal o' epic proportions, but here weemin knae their place, so it disnae. Magdelena is originally frae Poland, so Ah'm nat sure whither she wud be allowed intil an Orange Hall oor nat, sometimes exceptions are made for foreigns, even if they are the o'er surt. Ah hiv examined her profile carefully, an reckon she might be o' Ulster Scots extraction, gien her inability to use coherent sentence construction. "She is passionate about improving a promotion of Northern Ireland in (to) Poland and the image of Poland in Northern Ireland what will create jobs for the many people who are currently out of work."

Alliance.

Nae naminations: The Alliance dinnae put photies oan their information aboot candidates bit o' their wabsite, an' Ah cannae be arsed lookin' them all up. Insteid they gie us whit appears tae be a cut an' paste frae a wurd document, wi' nae information whitsaeiver. They dae hiv 7 weemen standin' so by the law of averages* at laist one o' them might be wurth a jive, but a lack o' photies mains they are ruled oot o' the race.

* Law o' averages re Norn Iron weemen states thit fur every 7 wimmin ye meet 1 will be a Bible weildin' Christian wi' scary eyes, 3 will be slappers wi' neck tattoos an' mad shoes, 2 will be the size o' Belgium an' 1 will be wurth a coort.

DUP

Wee Michelle, wi a fleg.

Wi' nae fewer than 44 candidates, the DUPers manage 7 weemen, an' there are a few fine lookin' cuddies lurkin' in the ranks. Ah was tempted by Ruth Patterson, fur she has a fair auld fake tan oan her, but Ah cannae gae past wee Michelle McIlveen. Wi' her wee red jacket, which is niver aff her, an' her salidly Ulster Scots surname, she has been a source o' attraction tae me fur some time. Accordin' til her wabsite, she regularly updates it wi' speeches an' the like, an' it wud appear she last gat aff her arse oan the 7th o' Febury to welcome a new futpath. Well done Michelle.

Incidentally Ah cannae provide any links here, fur the DUP wabsite has the same address fur every page. Ah amnae tae sure how they dae it, an' wudnae want til accuse them o' bein' control freaks or the like.

Ma Bell.

Shinners.

Inexplicably the Shinners hivnae updated their wabsite since the Free State elections, sae Ah cannae really consider the full list o' hens stannin' but Ah did pass an election poster fur Michelle O'Neill the o'er day, an' thunk til messel, "Ah micht, even if she is the o'er surt." She saims like a dacent auld spud, mad fur canals an rural things, so Ah can imagine long walks in the country, where she says things like.... 'The need for a locally accountable democratic assembly which reflects the views of the indigenous population in its policy making, is a necessity for the people
of the six counties," an' Ah say, "Richt pet, whit's fur ma tay?"

UUP.

Sigh

Thosuns o' yis oot their whit hiv bin fallyin' this shite fur a lock o' years will be aware thit Ah hiv lang syne carried a torch fur Iris Rabinson. In ma watery eyes, she wus the epitomy o' Ulster weemenhood, beautiful, yet stern, intelligent, yet mad as a box o' hammers. Howiver, she has been replaced in ma affections by the delectable Lesley Macaulay, UUP candidate fur Aist Londonderry. Turns oot she's married, but nathin' is insurmountable til the concerted efforts o' a stalker like messel. Ah try til stay palitically neutral, but wud quite happily affer til canvass wi' young Lesley roun' the rural roads o' the Nairth West, perhaps stappin' til pick flowers an' skip beside a wee burn. She'd hiv til drive mind ye, fur Ah wud want the odd pint, though Ah suppose she cud hiv a poke in a layby.

A pole has been provided fur yis til choose the object o' yer affections, an' afore yis get oantil me, this is nat sexist, there is a serious point aboot weemen's participation in Ulster pailitics tae be made, but nat by me. Ah wud dae a Lovely Man Election Competition, but they're all brute ugly.

DUP Election Broadcast 2011

2011-04-05T15:40:00.000+01:00

Ah'm glad til say that the broadcasts are back up an runnin'. The new DUP one was brung til ma attention, an' Ah fully intended fur til provide yis with a high falutin' palitical cammentary. Howiver the action oan screen was tae distractin', sae Ah hiv nae idea whit the boy was witterin' oan aboot in the backgroun'. Anyway, Ah've hid a luk at it, an' hape yis fine it useful in decidin' how til vote.

Election 2012. Constituency Profiles, Strangfurd, Nairth Doon, West Trone an' Aist Belfawst.

2011-03-28T15:42:00.001+01:00

The mair palitically astute o' yis will by now hiv realised thit there is yet ano'er election loomin', evidenced by the fak thit electoral crap his started fur til land on oor doorsteps. It is aways a matter o' interest tae me how many "regular" party newsletters oany appear "regularly" aroun' election time, though til be fair we hiv mair elections than a Chinese Viagra salesman sae maybe the parties hiv a point. Hivin' lived in nae fewer than three differn constituencies in racent times, Ah am alsae interested tae note that parties oany send oot these newlsetters in areas where they reckon their surt is in the majority. Thus when livin' amung the o'er surt, Ah gat Nationalist information, an' vice versa. Clearly the parties hiv gie up oan tryin' tae persuade the o'er community til come roun' til their way o' thinkin', preferrin' insteid til sleg aff the o'er party frae their ain surt.

Anyway, as pramised the o'er day, ma election coverage will frae the now start in earnets, an' Ah hiv noticed thit prapur palitical wabsites tend fur til dae a wee summary o' the differn' constituencies fur til better inform their raidership. Ah shall dae likewise, an' if Ah start now, wi' any luck Ah'll get the hole lat done before the election itself. Thus taeday we begin wi....

Strangfurd.

Nae better place til start. Until racently helt by the delectible an' sadly missed Mrs Rabinson, Strangfurd is noo represented in Westminister by the equally attractive Big Jim Shannon. Accordin' til the 2000 an' 1 census, Strangfurd has a papulation o' about 98,000, wi' oany 15% the o'er surt, an' 68% Staunch, Loyal, Ulster Pratestants. The rest dinnae gie a shite or are some foreign religion or o'er sae dinnae count. Such figures make it a fertile stampin' groun' fur the DUP, who successfully gat 4 o' the 6 saits in the last Arseembly election, wi' the Ulster Unionists gittin' just the yin. The o'er surt in these parts saim til vote fur the Alliance who alsae gat yin sait. This is a guid thing, fur they are a superior surt o' o'er surt til the Shinners an' the SDLP. Wi' a strang Ulster Scots community, mainly based in large cities like Ballyhalbert an' Cloughey, we here at 1690 perdict No Change in the 2011 election.

West Trone.

Chalk an' cheese ye micht say. Here the o'er surt are in the predominance, wi' 68% o' the papulation mainin' that Pat Doherty o the Shinners is the MP, though naebudy ever sees him in betwain elections, an' he is quite scary when ye dae see him. West Trone is famous fur bein hame til whit his been officially described as Ulster's shitest toon, Strabane, though Ah fur yin quite like it, especially when compared til Larne, Lurgan an' Craigavon. Maist folk in the area are employed in the agriculture, retail an' black economies, wi' a strang preponderance o' yins daein' the double whilst wurkin' in Donegal. At the last election the Shinners gat 3 saits, wi' the DUP managin' a creditable 2, despite at laist yin o' the their MLAs clearly bein' a special naids case. Everybudy must be sick o' independent Kieran Deeny by now, wi' his single issue Haspital business finished wi', sae we perdict an SDLP gain frae Independents wi the o'er saits remainin' as is.

Nairth Doon.

Undoubtedly the maist middle class o' oor consituencies, wi maist o' its papulation o' 86,000 employed in the Wine Tastin' an' "Bespoke Weddin' Invitations whilst hubby works in banking" sectors. A staggerin' 82% o' the folk are pratestant, though maist o' them arnae prapur Staunch, Loyal, Ulster Pratestants, a choice sadly lackin' oan the census forms Ah note. They alsae hiv the highest percentage o' "Nae Religion" folk, as they "don't really doooo religion, it is so last season. In fact some of our best friends are Catholics, though we don't invite them round often in case they try to steal the children." Nairth Doon is notoriously hard til perdict fur palitical pundits like messel, as they are fur ever electin' wishy washy odd folk who dinnae sound like they come frae here, or Rab McCartney. Currently represented by mad haired Lady Sylvia, they turned in twa DUP, twa UCUNFS, an Alliance an' a Green (Jaysus!) last time roun'. Wi' Alan McFarland havin' since goan independent as he quite likes Lady S, we perdict that he will stail the Green sait, as naebudy really gies a shite about trees when the economy is bucked. "The bottom has fallen out of my corsage business Hilary, I might soon have to go to Tesco rather than Marksies."

Aist Belfawst.

This sait gie us the biggest shack o' the Westminister election, wi' Naomi oustin' Pater in a close focht battle. Aist Belfawst has the lowest papulation in Norn Iron, but alsae the lowest percentage o' the o'er surt, makin' an Alliance victory all the mair surprisin'. Ah put this doon the the fact thit maist men in Aist Belfawst are lazy, work shy gits who were in the pub whilst the votin' was oan, strokin' their greyhouns an' shitty wee moustaches, whilst their big women folk all went oot an' voted in Naomi. Since bein' unsaited, Pater has attempted fur til curry favour wi' the locals by helpin' til save Glentoran Fitba Club, sadly furgettin' that the men will still be in the pub an' he'd be better aff offerin' money aff vouchers fur Gin. Last time roun' the DUPers won 3 o' the 6 saits, wi the Alliance, UCUNF an' Wee Dawn sharin' the o'er 3. Wi'oot Naomi stannin' it is hard tae see much change here, the Aist Belfaswt wimmin will rally behine Wee Dawn, mainin' nae change in this constituency.

Nixt time, shortly Ah hape, a rake mair saits.

Memoirs o' a Sleep Hunting Man, or Nocturnal Admissions.

2011-03-25T19:42:00.002Z

Ah'm nat a pallet trucker ah'm a pallet trucker's son.

Yin o' ma mair esoteric posts the nicht, but yin o' ma mair loyal fallyers has bin gi'en me a bit o' hassle fur nat gittin' ma finger oot an' postin some shite. Ah must apalygise til ma Welsh correspondant, an assure hissel thit Ah hiv nat retired frae the cultural arena. Wi' an election loomin', Ah intend fur til emerge frae ma naval gazin' til dissect the palitical doins o' oor masters, sheddin' light oan their meanderins like a muck spreader sheds shite oan a Spring day.

Ah alsae feel thit Ah must explain ma dearth o' postin' til ma raidership, as Ah ken thit yis luk til messel fur laidership in these difficult an complex times. As yis micht be aware, the wee red faced finance minister stripped ma cultural oraganisation o' its funnin', leavin' me laguishin' fur a time on the limited financial support affered by Her Majesty's Brew Department, barely enough til keep me in beer, fags an' Veda. However, fur all ma failins in life, Ah dinnae lack the 'Pratestant Wurk Ethnic', an' Ah hiv gat aff ma arse, cast aside the rarefied wurld o' Academia, an am now wurkin' mad hoors as a logistics aperative, or warehouse lackey til the unititiated. Thus Ah start wurk at 5pm an' finish when there is nathin' mair til stick oan the back o' a lorry. This leaves little time fur Ulster Scots Shite Writin' an his left me wi' begs unner ma eyes the likes o' which ye wudnae see in the Balmoral Prize Bull enclosure.

Howiver this is nat wi'oot its benefits til a high falutin' person like messel, as it has put me back in touch wi' the ordinary Ulster Scots wurker, an' opened ma eyes til a whole new nocturnal wurld o' bleary eyed mad folk ridin' aboot in forklifts an' sayin' 'Fuck' a lot. As maist o' ma raidership is drawn frae the intelligentsia, Ah thunk Ah wud share a few o' the enlightenin' things Ah hiv larnt in ma new sleep deprived existence.

1. Yokes: Ulster Scots is alive an' well in the warehouse wurld. Basically the jab involves taken shite aff the back o' a trailer, puttin' it aroun' a big shed, then puttin' it oan the back o' a different trailer in a different order. A remarkably complex task, yin carried oot by ridin' aroun' in whit is technically termed a "pallet truck" or mair exotically, "a pallet chariot". Such terms cut nay ice wi ma fella operatives, they are referred tae by all an sunry as "yokes", even in the maist prapur o' circumstances. Thus Ah observed ma superior aperative laive a note fur management which stated "Billy's yoke keeps stoppin, could youse get the boy out til look at it." It is good til see thit the word yoke is alive an' well, an' Ah urge all o' yis tae use it as often as passible. (Incidentally ma yoke is furever breakin' doon, limitin ma ability til shift shite aboot. If by any chance management does raid this, git me a new yoke ASAP)

2. Mair yokes: Confusinly fur a newly installed aperative such as messel, the wurd yoke nat oany refers til the pallet chariot, but alsae lorrries, trailers, cars an' wimmin. Thus oan askin' the big fella whit Ah shud be at, Ah will be instructed til get oan ma yoke an' strip thon yoke oot, so that the driver can hook his yoke up til it an' get til Fuck. Alsae the wee girl who wurks on the fry counter in Centra might alsae be described as a quare wee yoke, makin' it a mair attractive place til visit than the Spar.

3. Rude Wurds: Ah hiv larnt mair new rude wurds in the last twa months than in ma previous farty years oan this earth, as well as all manner o' durty talk. Unlike in ma previous academic employment, instructions are issued wi' a string o' expletives attached. Ah micht, fur example, be taul til "Tip til Fuck" when it is time til empty a trailer yoke, or alternatively til "Load til Fuck." Ah am adaptin' til this linguistic methodology, nae langer askin' the eejit in charge if it is "OK to gae hame?", rather "Can Ah get til Fuck noo?"

Euro Pallet Shite.

4. Pallets: There is a European pallet plat afoot, yin wi' potentially far reachin' consequences fur Ulster Scots culture. Lidl, the papular cut price supermarket an' purveyor o' oddly named alternatives til common hoosehaul goods, insists oan usin' the "Euro pallet" a smaller alternative til the traditional big, nearly square, Ulster Pratestant Blue Pallet. Ah am aware thit this is an irritation o' limited interest til yersels, but when ye insert the forks o' yer pallet yoke intil lift a Euro pallet, they can poke oot the o'er side, an' yer yoke's wheels break the pallet forcin ye til take all the stuff aff it, an' rebuild it oan an o'er skittery wee Euro. The big Blue Pallets are vastly superior, but increasinly the Euro is takin' over, in a grey squirrel like fashion. "Ah dinnae gie a shit whither or nat ye break pallets McWilliams," Ah hear ye say, but stap, an' think. If the Euro Pallet replaces the square pallet, frae whit will 11th Nicht bonefires be constructed? Nat frae these inherently unstable pieces o' shite. Ah feel a campaign comin' oan.

5. Alternative wurk positions: Everyone kens thit in any jab ye hiv yer ain' position, Human Resources manager, Head of Histry, Warehouse Operative, plus ye hiv a range o' other things ye have adapted til daein' ootside yer jab description. Thus in a previous jab, Ah was alsae termed "Head of things", wi' ma cohorts bein' "Head o' other things" and "Head o' the things naeone else wants til dae". Likewise in the Warehouse wurld ma fella wurkers alsae have positions like "Person in charge of makin up nicknames", "Warehouse Radio Station Chooser" an' "Kettle Boiler". Ah am in charge o' openin' the Freezer door an' takin Photos o' things sent to us that are already bust so we dinnae get the blame fur it. The latter is a high level pasition given til me as Ah hiv a phone wi' email an' ken how til wurk it.

Ulster Pratestant Blue Pallet

6. Cookin': Ma detestation o' Jamie "Smug Bastard" Oliver is well knain, mainly because anyone cud cook a thurty minute meal if ye have 3 oven's, 2 hobs an' some lackey til chap the vig up, but Ah wud challenge the pucka git til come an' make healthy an' nutritious meals usin' oany a kettle an' a durty microwave. Wi such limited facilities Ah hiv become an expert oan all manner o' pat snacks, if ye can add boilin' watter til it, Ah've ate it. Tesco snacks, we hiv agreed o'er post prandial fegs, are shite, an' while the "Bombay Bad Boy" Pat Noodle is tasty, the fact that it includes peas is a source o' irritation til the wee fella in wurk. (All vigtables are a source o' irritation til the wee fella, it was wi' great difficulty thit Ah persuaded him that ye cudnae order a Chicken Chow Mein wi nae vigtables whitsoever). After much discussion, we hiv decided thit an Ulster Fry Pat Noodle is missin' frae the range oan affer, an' Ah hiv agreed til get oantil the manufacturers til right this cultural ommission.

Ah hape the above explains ma lack o' informative postin'. Sae far as Ah kin see nathin' has happened in the wurld the last cupple o' months anyhow. An election in the Free State, somethin' in Japan, an' some kine o' carry on in Libya Ah think, but Ah've mainly missed the news an' been forced til listen til Cool FM by the "Person in charge o' the Radio." However Ah assure young Dewi thit Ah will shake messel up, drink mair beer, restart the Histry an' cover the election. Must register til vote, Ah'll add thy'on til ma lang list o' things til dae when Ah'm awake.

Incidentally, if any o' yis ken o' a jab thit disnae involve wurkin' til dawn, gie me a shout.

50/50 Polisin' an farewell til folk.

2011-03-22T16:06:00.002Z

Accordin' til the BBC, the goverment in Westminister has decided fur til end the 50/50 polisin' recruitment palicy in 6 days time. Fur ma foreign fallyers the palicy was introduced under the Pattin reforms o' 1999, an' aimed til give a fairer balance in oor polisin' service. Unner the legislation, 50% o' polis afficers had tae be lazy work shy bastards wha sat on their arses in cars atin' chinese, whilst the o'er 50% lay on theirs in the station drinkin' caffee an' lookin' at dodgy wabsites.

Welcomin' the change, a goverment spakesman said "As Norn Iron moves into the Twentieth Century, it is oany right thit polis afficers git til choose where til faff aboot daein' nathin'. In future afficers can go til Starbucks oor the Chinese, as the mood takes them."

The change in palicy will alsae allow the PSNI to increase the nummer o' thick, arrogant gits in the force, whilst weedin' oot those who turn up wi'in 12 days o' a crime bein' reported.

Bon Voyige.

Til Wee Daftie an' Wee Davy, twa key memmers o' the 1690 back affice staff o'er the past lock o' years. Whit wi' Sammy Wilson bein' a complait bastard, haulin' the purse strings like a Ballymena mawn, ma twa cohorts are fur emigratin' til somewhere foreign. Ah will miss the pair o' them, fur they cud drink wi' the best o' them, an' wish them the best o' luck. Ah alsae expect a free hallyday at some point or o'er.

Born fur the USA (Ulster Scots Agency)

2011-02-11T21:19:00.003Z

The mair observant among yis will have noticed that Ah hivnae bothered til post much this past wile. This is partly down til the fact that January is a notoriously quiet month in Irish Palitics, an' true til form nathin' o' interest has happened, either in the North or the Free State. The o'er raison is that Ah was a high falutin' spakin' toor o' the Orange Halls o' the Far Aist, takin in Red China, Burma, Malaya, Siam an' o'er antiquated countries. Ah was priviliged til lecture oan Ulster Scots matters til lodges as widespread as Peking Purple Helmets, Rangoon Rising Sons o' Paisley an' Bangkok Brown Star. Ah wus alsae arrested briefly.

However Ah hiv bin duely poked frae ma jet lag by yin o' ma loyal raiders who his pointed oot that elections are imminent an' thit Gerry is runnin riot in the Free State, astoundin' young an' auld with his knowledge o' economics. Mair pertinant is the fack that the Chief Executive jab at the Ulster Scots Agency his come up, an' nae better man than messel til git in fur it. Oddly this jab was directed til me by yin o' ma raiders wha spatted it in the Irish News. Whit in the name o' Lord Laird are they puttin' it in thon paper fur, sure it is oany read by the o'er surt an' folk pretendin' til be the o'er surt, when they accidentally fine themselfs in the wrang pub.

Anyway, Ah hiv duly escreeded the wee cuddy at Price Watterhoose Coupers fur til get an application pack, as ye will see belaw, an' will frae thence take yis through how Ah fulfill the criterions.

"Dear Karen

Ah wud be wile grateful if ye cud sen me an applicitation pack fur thon Heid Yin jab yis putt in the paper the o'er day. Does it hae tae be sent by post? Sure let me knae if ye cannae escreed it til me an' Ah'll let ye ken ma hame place.

Ah hope yer keeping well yersel,

Love Professor Billy McWilliams."

How Ah fulfil the Criterions, by Professor Billy McWilliams.

Criterion Yin - A degree qualification or equivalent third level qualification AND a minimum of 3 years’ experience at senior management level of successfully building and effectively leading, managing and motivating staff within an organisation; OR

A minimum of 5 years’ experience at senior management level of successfully building and effectively leading, managing and motivating staff within an organisation

Ah fulfill all the above as Ah hiv a degree in somethin' an' hiv run this Wabsite fur twa years. Furthermair Ah run the coal yard in Maxwells Service Station, Banbridge fur a brief period in the late 80s, afore studyin' things for a bit. Ah am wile good at motivatin' staff, fur Ah just gie them a kick up the arse if they slack. Wimmin are mair ably motivated by rude jokes an' the odd wee grope.

Criterion Twa - Leading and managing an organisation in the development of strategy in successfully delivering the aims and objectives of the organisation at senior management level

As heid yin o' 1690 an all thon, Ah am personally responisible for a large staff o' several, many o' whom are lazy work shy bastards. Despite this, Ah hiv delivered all the aims an' objectives, as set by messel in ma forward plan an' SWAT analysis.

Criterion Thrie - Effectively managing challenging budgetary requirements within an organisation at senior management level

For feck's sake if ye saw ma budgetry constraints yis wud get a fair scunner. Fallyin' the withdrawal o' oor funnin frae the Europe, Ah hiv effectively met the challenge o' funnin' this organisation aff the broo.

Criterion Fower - Operating within a corporate governance framework at senior management level

Ah dinnae ken whit that mains, but sure Ah can wing it.

Criterion Five - Representing an organisation at a senior management level to internal and external audiences for example, the public, senior civil servants, politicians, voluntary organisations, professional bodies, trade unions, the media and the business community.

Easy done, paliticians an' senior civil servants are all wankers, the media dinnae gie a shite, the voluntary organisations are just after a grant, trade unions cudnae care less about this as folk are bein' laid aff left right an' centre by the afore mentioned business community an' the public are bewildered. Anyhow, Ah hiv met all the above folk an' can blether away til them if yis need me til.

Criterion Sax. - Knowledge of the Ulster-Scots sector and traditions, and evidence of community engagement with the Ulster-Scots sector would be advantageous, but not essential for the role.

This yin really takes the biscuit. "nat essential fur the role". When Sir Alex of Ferguson retires will the jab advert say "Knowledge of Football and it's traditions, and evidence of working within the Football sector would be advantageous, but not essential for the role?" No, they will seek oot the best qualified fitba mawn fur the jab, an' in this case they shud dae likewise, an luk nae farther than messel.

Anyhow, in the heels o' the hunt, Ah require yis all til escreed the Ulster Scots Agency in support o' ma applicitation, an' have stuck a wee pole on fur til help yis.

1690 founder Billy McWilliams freed on bail, and the Budget.

2010-12-17T00:41:00.001Z

The fallyin' is loosely tuk frae the BBC Wabsite.

The founder of flute-blowing website 1690 an all thon, Professor Billy McWilliams, has vowed "til continue ma wurk an' fur til protest ma innocence" after being freed on bail.

The 39-year-old was granted bail two days ago but prosecutors objected, the bastards.

He is fighting extradition to Ballymena over sex assault allegations made by two women. He denies any wrongdoing.

Mr Justice Ouseley ordered Professor McWilliams be released "on bail o' a wile lock o' cash an' somethin' calt sureties" and on condition he resides at an address in Gilford.

Speaking on the steps of the High Court to a journalist, Professor McWilliams said: "It's braw til smell the reek o' Belfawst agin."

He went on to thank "all the folk aroun' Anahilt wha hid faith" in him, his lawyers for putting up a "quare ficht", people who provided money in the face of "bein' clean busted", members of the press and the British justice system.

"If justice isnae always an ootcome, at laist it isnae deid yit," he added, not being entirely sure what he meant himself.

"Ah hape fur til continue ma wurk an' continue til protest ma innocence in this carry on an' til revail as we git it, which we hivnae yit, the evidence frae these allegations. An' til go oot an' get blacked." (??)

Professor McWilliams had spent the past eight nights in prison.

He will now stay at a manor home on the Armagh-Down border owned by Wullie McIlveen, a 1690-supporting mentalist and owner of a carpet hire company in Portadown.

Professor McWilliams' solicitor, Wullie Colhoun, said after the court appearance the bail appeal was part of a "continuing vendetta by folk frae Ballymena".

There ye hiv it.

Aye, Ah am oot efter bein' helt in Maghaberry on trumped up charges o' havin' unprotected sex wi' twa weemen frae Ballymena, yin o' whom wus asleep. As ma solicitor pointed oot this is clearly an unpremeditated attempt by themuns in Stormount fur til silence the voice o' the Ulster Scot. The chances o' messel, a staunch Pradestant, havin' it aff wi'oot a thingummy are slight, niver mine havin' it aff wi' yin o' thon Ballymena heifers , although Ah admit the fallin' asleep bit his a ring o' truth about it.

Raiders can be in nae doubt that this is an attempt by Stormount Ministers, an' Irwin's bakery, til stem the flow o' information spurtin' frae ma online organ. Ah kin assure yis all that Ah will continue fur til be a thorn in the arse o' the bastards, clockin' up there pontificatin' as if they ken whit they are at. Thus Ah address the budget thing.

The Budget thing.

Plastic Beg Tax - Ma arse. Dressed up as "enviromentalism" this is clearly an attempt til wring mair money oot o' the hard pressed shapper an' fur til bring us closer til a United Free State, fur they invented beg taxes. Whit they dinnae realise is that we all recycle the wee begs already in oor pedal bins, an' will thus be forced til buy those wee bin liners that are a wile waste o' money. Ah fur one will circumvent this by burnin' any combustible rubbish in ma fire, an' diggin' a big hole in the back field fur the rest. Stick thy'on up yer enviromental tax arses.

Pubic Sector Pay Freeze - "Fur tap earners earning mair than £21000 a year." Tap earners? Jaysus, mair like a figure randomly plucked frae wee Sammy's hairy ringpiece. Tae the best o' ma admittedly limited financial knowledge, £21000 isnae exactly in whit ye micht call the Simon Caul bracket. An' they'll have til pay til park their motors on the premises? Does this include teachers, dinner ladies, nurses? They'll just bung up the pavements fur the rest o' us.

Harbour Commission thing an' sellin' goverment land aff- Ah wasnae sure tae who these Harbour Commissioners are, but they hiv til give £125 million. Turns oot they are owned by the goverment in some way or o'er, sae where was the money goin' in the first place? As fur sellin' aff land, handy wee one there. Sell it aff at the bottom o' the market, til praperty developers. Nat that any o' the parties in Stormount hiv links til praperty developers, like Seymour Sweeney or the IRA.

Nae Watter Rates - because they think it'll piss folk aff. It wud, but we'd all soon furget about it an' come the election we'd all vote fur the same folk as last time. Insteid they'll put the o'er rates up, an' still nat grit the pavements.

A £20 million poun' hardship fund - now I lukked some real figures up fur a change an' it turns oot that 20% o' the papulation o' Northern Ireland is "in paverty", an' I make that about 350000 thousand folk. A quick sum in ma heid makes that £6 each for poor folk. Dinnae spen' it all in the yin shap.

Some o'er things - which Ah cannae mind. Anyway Sammy said it was a "good Christmas present for the people of Northern Ireland." He meant praperty developers, people who piss watter down the sink, folk who dinnae shap, poor folk who get excited by £6 an' pubic sector wurkers who walk til wurk, manage til keep their jab an' earn £20000. The rest o' us are bucked.

Snow.

It is snowin' a wile lat o' late, though ye wudnae know it if ye watched the local news.

Christenmas Gift Special Thing

2010-12-06T01:42:00.000Z

“Twas the nicht afore Christenmas, an’ aw thru the hoose, nat a cratur was stirrin’ nat even a moose.”

Sae writ Rabbie Burns, Ah think, in anticipation o’ the family fun an’ gift exchangin’ festival thit his become knain as Christenmas, after Jaysus, the boy whit invented it. It bein’ early in the Christenmas season, Ah hiv nae doubt thit yer mines are turnin’ taewards the purchase o’ things fur til give til folk. In order fur til assist yes Ah hiv trawled the highs an’ lows o’ the interweb fur til seek oot the best an’ maist appropriate gifts fur folk frae oor fair shores, an’ Ah present them below, hopefully somethin’ fur aw the family.

Fur the larger wean……

The Gerry Kelly Chemistry Set

Both fun an’ educational, the Gerry Kelly Chemistry set contains aw manner o’ experiments fur til amaze an’ entertain the hole family. With skill an’ practice, youse tae can blow the shite oot o’ places, serve a lock o’ years behine bars, escape fur a wee bit, an’ yet still end up in a high powered job up at Stormount. By fallyin’ the simple instructions, the basic principle thit shit floats til the tap will be proofed til aw.

Fur Him

Tart Attack

The latest game fur the Nintendo Wee frae Carrickfergus based saftware company Micrasaft™, this interactive game allows ye til experience the thrill o’ a nicht oot in Banbridge wi’oot laivin’ the warmth o’ yer ain hame. Ye must guide yer wee character through a variety o’ Banbridge’s finest nite spats, avoidin’ the attentions o’ badly dressed slappers in their late forties. Ye micht make it past the Imperial, up the hill past the First an’ Last, but can ye master the Downshire on a Saturday nicht? Find oot wi Tart Attack………

Fur Her

Bigotry, by Kalvin Clein

Weemen like til smell nice, it wud saim, an’ nathin’ smells better than a hen after a march. This latest perfume frae Castlederg’s ain Kalvin Clein adds til his range o’ suspiciously misspelt underwear (available frae Nutt’s Corner an’ Bangor Market.) It blends the heady warmth o’ a fat lass wrapped in a Corbet Accordion Band uniform wi' the aroma o’ peas o’er boiled in a big pan after the Twelfth an' just a hint o’ Smirnoff Ice.

Fur the hole Family

Hivnae a Cleudo.

A braw new twist oan a family favourite. A murder mystery set in Stormount, ye must explore the Big Hoose fur til fine a murderer, a jab in itself ye wud think. Was it the Rev McCrea in the Kitchen wi’ the badly recorded CD? Colonel McGuinness in the never visited Library wi’ the hastily disposed o’ revolver? Or maybe it wus Professor Sammy in the Ballix Room wi’ the nat yet charged fur watter pipe.

Fur weemen, frae Lurgan

The Hoorbeg

A clever twist on the traditional ladies handbeg this is the ultimate accessory fur the Lurgan hen in yer life. The beg contains a myriad o’ pockets til house aw the things a Mid Ulster lady naids oan a nicht oot. Slot fur a wee Quarter battle? Check. Hole fur a spare pair o’ keks? Check. Small megaphone sae everybudy in a bar can hear whit yer sayin’? Check. Benefits calculator? Check. Pocket fur condoms sae thit ye willnae hiv any more weans ye cannae afford? Na.

Although designed fur Lurgan wimmin, it may alsae be a handy gift fur wimmin frae Derry, Belfast, Strabane, Larne, Carrickfergus, Armagh, Newtownards an’ Caulraine. An’ Gilford. An’ Cookstown.

Fur Wee Weans

Count wi’ Sammy

International expert on Sums, Sammy Wilson, lends his name til’ a new Video Cassette fur the Sesame Street folk. Sammy demonstrates how til count frae Yin til Ten, divide by six, an’ laive 10,000 folk oot o’ wurk as a remainder. The preschool child will learn how fur til ignore economical realities by fundin’ a divided society wi’oot butherin’ til address the east/west economic divide.

Fur aw the Family

An Unsliced Veda

Goes wi’oot sayin.

O’er gifts Ah cudnae be arsed makin’ pictures fur…..

Gerry Adams Beard Trimmer: Shave yer ain salary by feckin’ aff down south, but dinnae wurry aboot it fur yiv a fine wee nest egg built up frae sellin’ shite buiks til Americans.

Margaret Ritchie hand puppets: Copy wee Margaret’s bizarre hand gestures by attachin’ a wee furry animal til each hand an’ wavin’ them about in a random, if expressive, manner in front o’ the specially designed low lecturn (sold separately)

Apocalypse Cow…..en: The latest fillum frae acclaimed director George C Osborne. A tense thriller in which a fat man sits in a temple talkin’ shite while the hole wurld falls apart aroun’ him.

Wiki Laiks - Shack Revelations.

2010-12-01T16:32:00.003Z

It is wi' grate interest that Ah read the Wiki Laik things frae the tap secert US government documents. The 1690 affice was fortunate enough til get haul o' these papers, an' hiv spent the last wheen o' days ploughin' through them fur revelations that relate til oor ain part o' the wurld. From whit we hiv discovered the American diplamats have hid much til say oan matters here, revealin' potentially embarrassin' facts that cut right til the centre o' power. In revealin' these things til yis, Ah must point oot that it is fur yerselves til decide oan their veracity, Ah am merely passin' oan the information.

Laiks

Aughnacloy is on the verge of becomin' a nuclear power. The folk in Dungannon asked the USA to bomb the village's nuclear facility due to fears that this would destabilise the region.
The popular hallyday destination o' Portrush is actually a hole wi' nathin' til dae in it.
The Giant Causeway was nat made by God, takes ages til get til, an' then is a bit dissapointin' when ye dae.
A prominant Royal said that both Norn Iron an' the Free State were wile corrupt, wi' boys gettin' backhanders for plannin' permission.
Stormount is led by eejits who are unfit to govern. Furst Minister Peter Rabinson once led a lock o' boys in a mock invasion o' a neighbourin' state. He saul his garden for a fiver, his wife routinely abused minority groups, an' then hid an affair wi' a young fella. The deputy Furst Minister was right an' high up in a terrorist group that killed a wile lock o' folk. However the diplomats say that they shud be left in power as it keeps us frae killin' eacho'er.
The Finance Minister is totally unqualified fur the job, an' once had his arse out in the paper.
The Free State is alsae run by arseholes, who hiv saul their country til Europe in order tae get another bunch of arseholes in the banks out of bother.
The Twelfth is borin'.
Lisburn an' Newry are towns nat cities. Londonderry is nat really the same size as Belfast an' dusnae need an airport.
Portavogie is buildin' up its military strength with a view til annexin' Ballyhalbert an' issuin' a UDI.
Give my Head Peace an' the Blame Game are nat funny.

Pole News -

In a very tight vote Sammy is officially Arse o' the Year. Ah will be makin' his certificate forthwith, an' wingin' it o'er til him on his wee Facebuk page. Meanwhile messel' an' the Rev McFetridge bate aff young Kirk, thus managin' til be crowned Ulster Scot's of the year an' makin' Iris wild jealous in the process.

Norn Iron Wurld Cup Bid.

The vote is the marra an' due til the corruption that clearly riddles FIFA we are nat in it. As we await the result it is perhaps a good time til remine oorselves o' whit cud hiv bin............

DUP Conference Broadcast 2010

2010-11-26T23:41:00.000Z

It escaped ma notice thit this went oot, but Ah hiv had a wee luksee an' added helpful comments.
These auld broadcasts are gettin' wile jumpy Ah note, an' dull. The music is wunnerful though, Ah wudnae mind "Norn Iron Palitical Broadcast Themes" LP fur a Christenmas box.

Ulster Wurld

2010-11-25T15:50:00.000Z

It was wi' great intrest thit Ah read that Free State Tayto hiv opened a theme park, a cunning plan, nae doubt designed fur til rival the attractions o' Tandragee's ain Tayto Castle. Ah hiv nae doubt thit this will fail, fur nathin' can rival the thrill o' seein' crisps put in begs, but it put me til thinkin', it must be time fur an Ulster theme park o' some description. We hiv the Ulster American yin by Omagh, an' Cultra, but these arenae whit ye might call entertainin', mair, ye ken, like edukational. Thus Ah hiv got messel the forms aff Nelson's lat an' am puttin' in fur a grant til open Ulster Wurld, a crass community entertainment facility fur the hamely folk.

This is at early stages o' develapment, sae only a few o' the ride yokes hiv bin designed. Nevertheless, til wet yer whistle, Ah will unveil the fallyin' attractions.

Gerry's Ghost Train

As the arch nemesis o' all that is sacred til the Ulster Scot an' the surt o' boy thit gives ye nichtmares, Gerry will hiv his ain special ride. As ye trot through the tunnel oan the wee train, he will pap oot shoutin' things like "We hivnae gawn awa ye ken" an' "a united Irleand by 2000 an' 16". The fear factor will be increased by the fact thit random' folk will be plucked frae their carriages an' disappeared til Louth, a bit like hissel, if we're lucky.

The Paul Berrygoround

It is a matter o' great sadness til messel thit Paul Berry his disappeared frae the political scene, fur he was an immensely intelligent an' entertainin' individual. Thus he will be commemorated wi' an overtly camp ride thit will include shiny ponies an' sports masseurs. Insteid o' the usual music, yer ride will be accompanied by the man himself singin' gospel classics.

Iris's Love Tunnel

As one o' Ulster's great romantics it is fittin' thit Iris Robinson be minded by a Tunnel o' Love. Her an' Peter's long stannin' relationship his weathered many crises, and she remains one of Ulster's rare beauties. One can but hope that the New Year will see her return til front line palitics, perhaps in some kind of role working with small businesses. Please note that nae Gays are allowed in Iris' Love Tunnel, ye must produce a marriage certificate at the gate.

Marty's Shootin' Gallery

This may be difficult til organise, fur Marty an' his muckers hiv wi'oot doubt decommisioned all o' their armalites, but nae visit til a fun fair wud be complete wi'oot a bit o' attempted murder. The fun factor will be raised by addin' in a knee cappin' booth an' a range o' prize which will include cuddly toys in the form o' Alex Maskey an' Gerry Kelly. The grand prize will be a hideout in Donegal.

The Stormount Rollercoaster

As can be sain frae the picture, this will be an inherently unstable construction, reliant entirely on threats frae the English til keep it upright. As you hurtle round the wee rails, you will be expected til come up wi' credible budget proposals an' an alternative til the 11 plus, then suggest them til yer fellow riders, who will reject them forthwith. One thing at laist, this ride is guaranteed til make ye boke.

Brian Cowen's Economic Helter Skelter

In order til get cross border funnin' fur ma project, Ulsterwurld will include this tribute til the Free State. Basically you will sit on the back of a Celtic Tiger shaped mat an' see how fast you can make it plummet to the bottom. Someone frae Europe will be oan hand til lend ye the money til have a go if yer stuck.

Other Attractions.

A broad range o' fun an' excitin' activities will alsae be on affer. Alangside Iris's Tunnel of Love will be a Garvaghy Road themed Tunnel o' Hate, an' closeby will be a Sammy Wilson inspired Pin the Tail on the Arsehole. Fud will be served in a big tay tent organised by ladies of the local Presbyterian Ladies Guild. Entrance charges will be £7.50 fur adults and £5 fur weans, or £16.90 fur a family ticket. Charges fur the o'er surt will be substantially higher, no Euros accepted.

Save the Free State an' Royal Weddins

2010-11-16T16:32:00.001Z

Royal Weddin'

It was wi' much fanfare that the forthcomin' weddin' o' the future King Billy V an' Queen Kate (?) was announced the day. Noo it may come as a surprise til many o' yis, but Ah am whit ye micht describe as a "Cromwellian" when it comes til royalty, an' it saims til me thit the buggers are wheeled oot til get wed whenever there is a recession about, but n'ertheless Ah wish the happy couple well. In these difficult financial times Ah wud alsae like til offer ma services as a weddin' planner til the them, an' propose tae invite them til Ulster fur their nuptials. It is early doors, but at the moment Ah suggest the fallyin' as it is much chaper than some big do in that London.

Weddin' conducted on the 12th July in some obscure Gospel Hall in north Antrim. Preacher will be a Very Reverend ex Loyalist prisoner self appointed pastor.
Money will be saved on the big parade by insertin' the happy couple, ridin' in a suitable horse an' cart, intil the Orangefest in Coleraine. Thus they will get cheered an' luk like a big royal float, an improvement oan Lord Laird in thy'on boat.
The reception will thus be helt in the field. Local ladies can make a big cake, an' spaches can be made aff the back o' the lorry. Suitable music will be supplied by a pipe band an' the odd lambeg, sometimes at the same time
Food - Veda will be on offer, along wi' sausage rolls. Tay fur grown ups an' orange juice fur weans.
Fallyin' the field, the happy couple can gae fur a shindig in a local hotel. This is potentially a financial hurdle til cross, but they are young an' will want a wee jive. Music by Barnbrack
Honeymoon - a B&B in Portrush.

Incidentally Ah fully intend til send this til the Queen later oan, fur Ah hivnae writ til her in ages.

Save the Free State.

Fallyin oan frae ma racent announcement thit Ah am til stan' in the Free State's election, throwin' ma hat intil Gerry's ring as it were, Ah taeday launch ma Nine Point Programme fur the economic recovery o' thy'on benighted statelet. It was goin' til be 10, but Ah ran oot. It is oany richt that we come til the aid o' oor nearest neighbour in their oor o' naid, in particular thosuns still languishin' in the occupied three counties.

Ma thinkin' is thit if Gerry intends fur til bring his immense economic talents til bear in the present crisis, he must be basin' this oan the traditional Shinner palicies used til make Northern Ireland the economic powerhoose that it is taeday. In formulatin' ma "New Dale fur the Free State" Ah hiv thus attempted til replicate some o' the Shinner successes, an' add a few o' me ain.

Shinner rip aff palicies.

Rest assured Free State folk, Ah dinnae intend til blow the shite oot o' yer towns an' villages, although there are clear economic benefits in the construction an' glazin' industries. Ah feel that this wud be a step tae far, sae instead Ah propose the fallyin'.

A. The stimulation o' the Black Economy through cross border smugglin': There is nae doubt that customs duties are o'er rated, since they remove spendin' power frae the hard pressed consumer. Thus the smugglin' and launderin' o' fuel, cattle and fegs will be encouraged by havin' a shite police force either side o' the border. Ah amnae tae sure how ye launder cattle an' fegs but will wurk it oot.

B. The settin' up of Ulster Scots advice centres: These will mirror the Shinner ones in the North, gi'en folk advice as til how til squeeze every last wheen o' pence oot o' the benefits system, bendin' the rules where applicable.As wi' smugglin' it will put money intil the hands o' consumers as well as ensurin' there are mair jabs fur other folk til apply for, as a lock o' folk will be better aff at hame.

C. Policing reform: The Garda will in future act like the provos in the North, and batter the legs off folk for anti-social behaviour. This will save a lot of cash through nat havin' til put them through the courts oor lock them up. Furthermair the Free State hospitals will soon be experts in dealin' wi' traumatic injuries, a strange boast we have employed up here frae time til time.

D. Resident's Groups: Tourism will be encouraged by the formation o' randomly placed Ulster Scots residents groups entirely representative o' the views an' opinions o' the folk o' their areas. Admittedly some Ulster Scots micht have til be imported to fulfil this role, but it will be wurth it when there are riots at St Patrick's Day parades, much tae the delight' o' passin' tourists.

E. Robbin' stuff: Bank heists an' other criminal activity will further liquidate the economy. This cuts both ways, fur the banks an' the like are well insured, an' can get their money back. Maist insurers are foreign companies, sae when they pay oot it will be the same as inward investment.

Nat Shinner Palicies

F. Roadsigns: Puttin' all the signs in garlic uses twice the paint an' metal as just havin' them in English. It shud be accepted thit everybody unnerstawns English, even messel, an' can therefore navigate mono-lingually. In addition puttin' spade an' distance signs in Miles per Arr wud main folk get til their wurk quicker, thus increasin' productivity.

G. An immediate tax oan maudlin songs: Anyone singin' depressin' dirges aboot wishin' they were in Ireland when they are in it shud pay a tax. Anyone caught singin' them 3 times shud be sent til live in Yemen, thus, in turn, cheerin' everyone up an' reducin' the jobless total.

H. Tourism: All the figures indicate that maist visitors til the Free State come frae the UK. They shud be encouraged by occasionally flyin' their fleg aff a hotel instead o' every o'er country in the wurld except them. Alsae nat abusin' them in bars an' in the National Anthem might help a wee bit.

I. A United Ireland: Unner the crown obviously. This is a long term goal as we wud have til persuade the folk in the North til take the Free State back, at the moment the cross border shappers make that economically unattractive fur Unionist strongholds like Newry an' Londonderry.

Professor Billy McWilliams to run for seat in the Free State

2010-11-14T14:58:00.002Z

Top Ulster Scots Academic, Professor Billy McWilliams is to step down as Chair of Kilpike Sheepdog Society and Visitin' Lekturer in Ulster Scots Dancin' to stand for election in the Irish Republic.

He said he hoped to contest the Donegal constituency, near the Irish border.

He said his Sheepdog replacement would be chosen this week, while he would remain as Lekturer in Dancin' until the Irish general election is called.

Professor McWilliams said the main reasons for his surprise decision were the economic crisis and the need for new ideas.

He said the current Fianna Fail/Green coalition government was "probably the most useless bunch o' arsewipes in the histry o' the Free State".

"As laider o' the only all-Ireland Ulster Scots thing wi' an all-island mawndate, Ah hiv a choice til make whither ti stay in Kilpike, a place thit Ah love, or til seek a mawndate in ano'er country like the Free State."

"Kilpike is ma hame. It is where Mrs McWilliams and wee Billy are an' where Ah dae maist o' ma drinkin'.

"But after a wheen o' pints, an' wi' the support of o'er folk, Ah hiv decided fur til put my name forward for Donegal. If elected for this constituency Ah will wurk and stay there an' travel hame when passible fur til get chape drink an' fags."

The Irish prime minister, Brian Cowen, must call a general election before July 2012 and it is thought the election may happen next year.

Donegal currently has no Ulster Scots representative, though Professor McWilliams claims that there "are a wile lat o' them in the occupied three counties".

Professor McWilliams is due to deliver the keynote address at the St Johnstone Orange Hall in County Donegal later.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-11751856

Poitry

2010-11-07T22:12:00.003Z

As explained the o'er day, the funnin' fur 1690 is runnin' dry due fur til the cutbacks inflicted by Finance "Minister" Sammy Wilson. Thus Ah hiv bin lukkin' fur til expan ma repertoire intil poims, in the hape o' gettin' a grant frae the USA (Ulster Scots Agency, til the uninitiated). Ah hiv researched Ulster Scots poitry, an' hiv noted thit they are mainly based oan rural matters, an hiv nae artistic merit whitsaeiver. Ah hiv decided fur til haul wi' the latter criterion, but til adapt a foul baked, "Bate Poit" type o' approach in the hope o' gittin' a grant. Thus Ah publish ma yinst few belaw.....

Wilson

Tooty wee squat arsehole
Shitein' oan folk frae a brae o' teats
Fur a bat, at nicht, nae blinded
Flung thru the dark til mait his plump bake.

Crumbs.....

Clabber lifted an' shifted
Threw intil a dark wee space
fur she micht see, the nosey bitch
Ah'll hiv til hoke it later,
Til fine the stuff ah bucked in.

Fur noo ah shall lave it
Cubby hauled

Farmers.

Lurchin tractor bastards
Blackin' the road
Haulin' tubes o' shite
In rush oor

Spade the feck up
oor pull over
Yis bastards.

Free State Woman

She micht luk normal,

but she's the o'er surt,

lukkin o'er at ye wi' doeful eyes.

But ah'm a marcher,

an' naid me annual danner thru Catholic areas,

mind ye,

her's wud dae

Road Kill

Windaes rolled doon
The wireless blarin'
Parked up at the heid o' the toon
Lukkin' fur cuddies

Bullet heid lurkin'
Belaw the wheel o' the motor
Saits back, eyes deid
Wee feckers

Think they're in Ibiza
But they're nat,
It's Rathfriland
An' its pishin.

Ulster Scot Arse o' the Year, 2010

2010-11-04T19:04:00.002Z

As nicht fallies day, as hangover fallies drink, as arse fallies teat, sae evil trails guid. The o'er day we posted a list o' tap Ulster Scots folk who hiv made important contributions til oor culture o'er 2010, an' taeday we must consider those who hiv let the side doon. Nat all Ulster Scots are kindly folk like Jim Allister, there are themuns oot there who harm oor culture an' community. Thus we must vote likewise fur arse o' the year, naminations are below. Tae be honest thesuns are a list o' personal grudges, but Ah intend fur til make a certificite an' post it til the winner.

Gregory Campbell

DUP hard man Gregory is nat oany a sour faced hallion wi' mair jobs than a brothel, he is alsae an ill-mannered arse who his consistently refused ma friend request oan the Facebuk. Manies ano'er yin has accepted, but grumpy Gregory ignores ma overtures entirely but accepts numerous o'ers, despite the fact that we hiv 28 mutual friends. Even wee Jeffrey accepted me an' backed Save Veda, but nat Gregory. However it is nat oany this personal slight which finds him naminated, it is alsae the fact that he is a right arsehole.

Irwins Bread folk.

As bakers o' the sublime Nutty Krust, Irwins shud have godlike status for the likes o' messel . However they are naminated fur takin the sacred loaf o' the Ulster Scots an' cuttin it intil wee footery slices as well as their attempts til subvert the anti-slice campaign intil some kindae markettin' campaign fur themselfs. They have, til some extent, backed doon, having realised thit they have bit aff mair than they can chew, but we await their pramises reachin' fulfilment.

Sammy Wilson

Ah believe this yin til be fairly self explainin'. Sammy saims til pasitively enjoy the cutbacks, bangin' oan aboot tightenin' oor belts whilst lukkin' like he's aboot til burst his ain. Furthermair the wee red faced ballix pulled the funnin' fur ma ain jab, thus plungin' the wurld o' Ulster Scots Academia intil financial meltdoon. Incidentally if any o' yis naid the services o' an Ulster Scots Academic, gie us a shout. Ah can alsae walk dugs an' cut grass, cash in hawn mind.

Martina Anderson

"She's niver an Ulster Scot," Ah hear yis cry, but Ah lukked up her name in the big buik o' Ulster Scotsness an yin she is. The Shinner's director o' Unionist engagement is a richt humourless hard ticket. Havin accepted me an ma German counterpart as her facebuk pals, she drapped us at the first hint o' tomfoolery. She actually hid the cheek til tell me nat tae be silly. Unionist engagement my Orange Arse.

Christine Bleakley

Ah admit ah am mainly naminatin' her fur a slightly different Arse related award, but she too his let us down. In the name o' the laird, whit his Frank Lampard gat that ah hivnae?

Ulster Scot o' the Year, 2010

2010-11-02T13:17:00.003Z

It is the time o' year where the mind o' Palitical an' Cultural Analists like messel begins til consider the event's o' the previous 12 months, examinin' the contribution o' the grate an' guid til oor society. As wi' last year, Ah hiv calt in a rake o' big wigs in the Ulster Scots Academic community fur til arsess the doin's o' oor laiders. A short list his bin drew up fur yer consideration, an' yer votes are welcomed. Thus, in nae particular order, Ah gie ye oor naminations fur Ulster Scot o' the Year, 2000 an 10.

1. Young Kirk McCambley.

Young Kirk burst oantil the palitical scene back in January when he successfully brought the Rabinson dynasty til its knees, at laist yin half o' thy'on dynasty anyways. In daein' sae he alsae gie the rest o' us yin o' the best laughs wid had in years an' a classic TV moment. Although he his faded frae the scene somewhat in racent months, the startlin impact he had oan the palitical landscape will remain fresh in the minds o' many o' us, as will the bizarre images his business strategy forced me til dwell oan.

2. Nelson McCausland

Nelson McCausland wud nat saim a natural choice for a government minister bein', as he is, a bit slow, but he successfully raised the profile o' Ulster Scot across the wurld when he tuk up my campaign til sort oot the Ulster Museum's appallin' lack o' palitical an' cultural parity. His interestin' thoughts re creationism ensured that the Ulster Scot was taken seriously by the global media. This will hopefully lead til a mair reasoned debate oan such matters, as demonstrated in later discussions o'er the heid o' the Giant Causeway.

3. Naomi Long.

The efforts o' Naomi in unseatin' Peter Rabinson come second oany til young Kirk's jiggery pokery in gien' us a quare laugh in these troubled times. Fur messel at laist, she made a long night o' election observation wurth while, admittedly assisted by a large quantity o' beer an' crisps. Although nat a praper Unionist, Ah lukked up her name in a big book an' she is alsae an Ulster Scot, albiet yin frae Belfawst.

4. Jim Shannon

Like his party cohort Nelson McCausland, Jim wudnae be described as the sharpest tool in the bax (that wud be Kirk) but he tae made sure thit the Ulster Scot is taken seriously in a corridor of power when he addressed the Hoose o' Commons in the hamely tongue. Perhaps now wee George Osborne will recognise thit Norn Iron is indaid a special needs case.

5. Professor Billy McWilliams an' the Rev McFetridge.

Ah wus absent fur this namination, but oor success in protectin' the sacred loaf frae the assaults o' its enemies is deemed wurthy o' consideration. Combined wi a relatively successful Wurld Cup bid back in May, an' the influence weilded o'er Nelson McCausland, it his bin an interestin' year fur the in the wurld o' internet tomfoolery, despite a severe lack o' 1690 postin o' late.

O'er Matters -

Veda has bin saved, an' ah' hiv made this wee film in celebration. Ah made it ages ago, but furgat til post it.

Unionist Laidership Election

2010-09-25T19:23:00.001+01:00

Admittedly it wus a cupple o' days ago, but Ah am supposed fur til comment oan currant affairs oan behalf o' the Ulster Scots academic community, sae ah suppose ah shud gie ma twa pennorth. The UCUNFUUP have elected Tam Elliot as the new laider by some kindae huge margin which Ah cannae mind, despite the early poles suggestin' that Ah wud win by a landslide. Ma ain poor showin' can be putt doon til the fak that they wudnae let me stawn, although Ah note in the Newsletter thit there was yin spoiled vote. Ah can but hope thit some o' yis screeded ma name across the paper, in an act o' rebellion against North Korean style ballot riggin'.

Sae Tam is now at the reins, an must address the key issues thit face the Unionist Party an' the country alike. Nat bein' yin til haul grudges, Ah am willin' til set aside oor differences an' offer ma services til him as some kindae highly paid.tap level adviser. Ah hiv giv the issues some thocht an' list the challenges faced by Tam below, an offer a few wurds o' advice.

Prablem 1: Naebody knows who any o' the UUP folk are: Whilst the DUP hiv characters like Peter, Wullie McCrea, Sammy and Jug Ears, yid be hard pushed fur til pick any o' the UUP folk oot in a line up. Ah can name about three, if pushed, but dinnae know whit they luk like. This shud be urgently addressed by gettin' Mike Nesbitt til make a reality programme featurin' tap Unionists, fur the moment Ah am gien' this pilot the name Celebrity Come Whine wi' Me. The MLA's can have chips an' the like whilst bemoanin' the fact they hiv nae MPs and nae clue how til get out o' the mess.

Prablem 2: The DUP an' Unionist Unity: Peter has already begun chattin' Tam up with a view til pacts an' the like. This must be stapped an' clear blue watter put between the twa parties. Thus the Tory tie up must be scrapped forthwith an' the party shud gae intil an electoral pact wi' the Shinners. This wud put the willies up the DUP, an' the Shinners hiv better lukkin wimmin like Mary Lou an' yer woman Anderson frae Londonderry.

Prablem 3: The Norn Iron Economy: It is clear til all concerned thit the financial situation in this country is ballixed, an' forward thinkin' ideas til address the issues are naided. Ah hiv already suggested thit everyone shud wurk cash in hand an' claim the brew, thus injecting additional spendin' power intil the marketplace. Ah wud further suggest the immediate nationalisation o' the banks through a series o' armed robberies, thus redistributin' the wealth an' further boostin' the high street shapper. Inward investment shud be encouraged by haulin' a big business conference in Aughnacloy an' kidnappin' all the executives o' the foreign companies. They wud oany be released when they pramise til build car factories an the like in Ballywalter. However the economic situation is exasperated by Prablem 4.

Prablem 4: Most people in Norn Iron are arseholes: A cursory glance aroun' yer average high street in Ulster will revail a high proportion o' wankers versus normal folk. These folk can be recognised by their overly complicated Lottery purchases when in front o' ye in the shap, the wearing o' tracksuits an' pyjamas when neither exercisin' or in bed, an' an inability til say anythin' quietly or wi'oot swearin'. This obviously limits the economic potential o' Norn Iron, as even kidnapped foreign businessmen cudnae be arsed employin' such folk. Snatch squads o' heavily armed men shud therefore lift them an' threaten severe violence unless they wise up, dress right, an' only do three lines on the lottery, no scratchcards or the like.

Prablem 5: The Assault on our national heritage that is the slicin' o' Veda: Ah mentioned this last week. Irwins shud be threatened wi' punitive tax measures unless they stap rapin' the loaf. An' all MLAs shud join oor facebuk group. Mair oan which in a minute.

Prablem 6: The Education System: The 11+ shud be scrapped an' replaced wi' an exam naebody but the most middle class folk can unnerstawn, thus keepin' common children frae uneducated backgrouns oot o' the tap schools. This appears til be unnerway unner Catriona and shud be helt up as an example o' the passibilities o' the aforementioned Shinner/UUP electoral pact. This is a win/win situation, the UUP get to protect their middle class support, an' the Shinners get til make sure thit the workin' class get a shite education, thus conserving their core vote o' stupid folk.

Veda Campaign.

There hiv bin several developments since ah last posted oan this matter. On Monday past the story wus covered in the Newsletter, an Irwins made a written, public commitment that if oor campaign gets 10000 supporters they will revert to unsliced loaf production. They have, however, since shifted the goalposts, by sayin' that this decision will be made only when they get 10000 votes asking for it on their website. Thus Irwins are attemptin' fur til subvert oor campaign intil some kindae marketin' opportunity. We willnae stan' fur this, an' Ah urge an immediete boycott o' all Irwins products til they return til their original promise.

Interestinly the campaign alsae featured oan Talkback, gettin' the backin' o' the lovely Wendy Austin, an his alsae gained political support in the shape o' Dawn Purves. We can alsae reveal that the Newsletter folk know bugger all about poetry, as this picture shows.

Crisis of Culture.

2010-09-16T19:48:00.004+01:00

Havin' nat posted fur ages, Ah am fur daein' ano'er yin taeday. As warned in yesterdays papal pontificatin' a mair insidious threat tae the civil an' religious liberties o' oor land is loomin'. A blow has bin struck til the very core o' all that is good in oor wee land. The French hiv their wine, the Parmans their Ham, the Cheddars their cheese. We hiv oor breads, an' the king o' the breads is undoubtedly Veda.

Fur many years the great bakeries o' Ulster - Irwin's, Ormo an' the Sunblest boys, hiv turned out loaf after loaf o' delicious malty goodness, unsullied by the bread slicer. The purchaser is left to render his slices accordin' til taste, or the hole in his toaster, but nae more, fur Irwins hiv sliced the Veda. They hiv taken the holy loaf an' rent it asunder, intil futery wee dry slices, uniform to the eye, the loaf unsqueezed.

"Sae whit?" Ah hear yis ask, "sure ye kin still buy unsliced Veda frae other bakeries." Thit may be sae, but Irwins' his ano'er tool up their sleeve, as kin be seen frae this photy, they are deliberately undercuttin' the traditional solid loaf makers in terms of price. This is a blatant attempt at market manipulation, worthy o' Red China. They hiv flooded the market with shoddy, non traditional Veda, gien' the hard pressed house wife a difficult choice in these straitened times. She may lift the loaf an' bring it hame til her man, congratulatin' herself on savin' a wheen o' pence, but in turn leavin' prapur loafs languishin' on the shelf.

"Sae whit?" Ah hear yis say agin "We are in a recession, it is fur the housewife til spend her allowance as she sees fit. She his made a savin', an' we shud congratulate her." Aye, says me, except fur it is a false economy. Her veda will soon stale, its sliced nature allowin the air til circulate throughout. Nat fur her the option o' cuttin aff the hard end, an' thus a half ate loaf will fine its way intil the bin. Howiver in her scatterbrained womanly fashion, she will make the same error on returnin' til the Spar, seduced by price. Meanwhile, sales o' prapur traditional veda will stall, an' the big guns o' the supermarket wurld will pare back their orders, forcin' it aff the shelfs.

Whar will we be then? A staple o' the Ulster kitchen lost fur ever, a monopoly allowin' Irwins til force the price o' this bakin' travesty higher and higher. Oor culture weakened an' oor sangwiches stale. Ah therefore call on all richt thinkin' citizens o' Ulster til boycott this bastardization o' bread. Rally roun' the fleg o' the solid loaf. Join with us in oor Facebuk Campaign an' make yer mark for God an' Veda.

The Pope, fur it is he.

2010-09-15T20:15:00.001+01:00

The Sash the Father wore.

Havin' semi retired frae palitical commentatin', due mainly til extreme laziness, Ah was not fur remark passin' oan the arrival o' the Pope til Britain. Howiver noo thit the Reverend Doctor Lord the Big Ian Paisley has waded in, an' the loomin' threat o' a storm o' protests, Ah feel thit it is important thit Ah use ma influence in Ulster Scots circles til calm the situation. Many cross wurds have been bandied, an' a feel a measure of calm debate is required til address the situation. Ah hiv thus give some thocht as til whether we shud be arsed protestin' or nat

Reasons fur til Protest -

Yin: he is the o'er surt an he is nat in the bible, but says he is, Ah think. Ah will check that an' get back til ye.

Twa: The present yin is a German, Germans are intrinsically bad.

Thrie: He wears a small hat that makes him luk daft. Or a big yin that luks like a wully. An he makes folk kiss his ring. This is nat normal behaviour fur a church laider.

Fower: he willnae let the o'er surt use contrapception - laidin in turn til mair o' the o'er surt. If this continues most folk will be the o'er surt, thus becomin' the surt. At this point Ah will be very confused as Ah will be the o'er surt. Ah will hiv til mistrust messel an' nat be tae friendly.

Five: Somethin about child abuse and the gays.

Reasons nat fur til Protest.

Really?

Yin: The Pope sent the Inglis intil Ireland in the first place, therefore makin' him historically a Loyalist.

Twa: The Pope was on the side o' King Billy at the Boyne. Again, hardly the stuff o' Ulster Scots protests.

Thrie: The Pope changed the calendar, movin' the Twelfth frum the First til the Twelfth. If he hadnae done this we wud hiv nae Twelfth. Thus he invented the Twelfth, an' the attendant marches. We cudnae march oan the First fur we wud all be at wurk.

Fower: Although this Pope is a German, the yin before was Polish. They were on oor side in the War and therefore are grand. Sae long as the o'er surt dinnae make Spanish, Italians, Germans etc Pope in future, we can let them aff.

Five: His views on the Gays are much the same as the Free P's, who in turn arenae exactly unknown fur batterin' the shite oot o' Wains themsels.

Sax: Chateau Neuf du Pape.

Hivin' thus weighed up the arguments, Ah wud advise ma raidership nat til buther their arses wi' this. Let the auld boy visit, an' insteid write til the Vatican askin' if it wud be OK til reroute Drumcree through the Vatican next year.

Veda

A storm is brewing, Ah can say nae mair at this point in time.

Nazis

2010-08-20T15:53:00.001+01:00

Ah'm afraid the hole furore o'er the heid o' the boys sacked fur nat gi'en foreign folk the brew passed me by a wee bit, an' hence Ah missed the latest musings o' yer woman Cooper. Ah didnae git the paper yesterday, instead spendin' the evenin' watchin' the delightful Christine Hamilton oan Celebrity Masterchef. Ah am gi'en serious thought til puttin' teaegither a pilot fur the BBC calt Celebrity Plasteredchef, wherein local famous folk will git full drunk an' try til mix twa different types o' cupasoup fur the laugh. Ah wud quite like til see the faces thy'on twa smug judge fellas as Julian Simmons sets fire til a chip pan an' Pamela Ballantine makes egg in a cup.

Anyhow ma thankins til Daveboy fur highlightin' the story in the comments bit o' the previous post. It wud saim that some woman calt Ann Cooper, who once rose til the dizzy heights o' defeated council by-election candidate fur the TUV, threw her considerable political clout behine the sacked civil servants. Accordin' til the paper she said ""Well done lads. Sorry you got caught. You deserve a medal. We need more like you." Fur some raison this has provoked a torrent o' abuse in her direction, but Ah fur yin think she has a point. Ah wud like fur til take the whole thing further, nat oany shud immigrants types nat get the brew, but a swathe o' welfare reforms shud be introduced forthwith til deal wi' parasites on oor society.

Old Folk: Are nae use whitsoever. Thosuns that arenae mopin' about in small houses complainin' about the caul are clockin' up in hospital costin' us a fortune, all whilst gettin' fat pensions aff the state. They shud all be made til wurk til their 85 an' then put down. An' they shudnae be allowed til drive. Likewise:

Children: Now there are reasonable economic benefits til havin' a future papulation, an' educatin' them til a basic standard, but the whole thing is gettin' ridiculous. Weans are gettin' away wi' hangin' aroun' school til they're 18, half the time oan hallydays. It is reasonable til assume that if they get out at half 3 they can wurk til 6 at the laist. I wud suggest that the recyclin' plants are ideal fur them, fur they are always bangin' on aboot the enviroment.

The disabled: How many times hiv you tried to get intil a bank or similar public buildin' oany til find ye hiv til zig zag up some complicated ramp type structure fur five minutes afore ye reach the door? This is all doon til the disabled demandin' access til places whilst nat considerin' the time wasted by economically active folk windin' their ways til their destinations. These shud all be removed an' the disabled folk can wait outside til somebody sees them.

Athletic People: Folk wha take exercise are a massive burden on society, fur they are always strainin' some part or breakin' some bone. Thus they are aff work or in the hospital a wile lat, an' yet the state provides leisure centres an' the like fur them til hurt themselves in. Furthermair, a non exercise type person like messel contributes immensely til the exchequer through massive alcohol/fags taxes an' then gets slated if ye cough or are are a wee bit hungover in work. Sports equipment like guttees, exercise bikes and the like shud be taxed prohibitively til stap folk injurin' themselves. Eejits.

Country People: As well as the social costs of high levels of inbreeding in parts of Tyrone and North Antrim, country folk place an' undue strain on the enviroment. They may want to live in the country, but all work in towns, thus requirin' roads an' things til get them in. They shud all be made to live in camps on the outskirts of Belfast. Except....

Farmers: When not throwin' dead sheep in watercourses or marryin' their cousins, farmers are complainin' about nat gettin' enough money fur the things they grow or whatever it is they dae. Then ye find thit they're all oan the fiddle fur European subsidies, which amounts til gettin money fur nat growin' things. Dae Ah get any money fur "settin aside" ma garden because Ah cannae be arsed cuttin' the grass? Nat now, but Ah will unner ma welfare reforms an' the Farmers can grow stuff for once, the ballix.

Belfast people: it is nat oor fault that every wall in yer city has a murial, thit yer men are short wi' wee moustaches an' yer teenage girls all wear tae much make up an' have 4 weans. Ah will tax Belfast people based on the nummer of times they say like in a sentence an' put the money into supportin' small market towns where the folk are more civilised. Except Hillsborough, fur they are a bunch o' pricks.

Unionist Laidership Bid

2010-08-17T21:02:00.000+01:00

Ah'll admit thit there hasnae bin much happenin' in these parts this last wee while. This is due til complex socio-economic issues an alcohol, mainly, but Ah cudnae help but noticin' that there is a wee job opportunity in the UCUNFs. Ah cudnae let such an' opportunity pass me by, an hiv therefore bin persuaded til join the campaign til be laider o' the UUP. Ah' hiv screeded til them just now, an' hiv made a pole whereby ye can register yer support.

Dear Ulster Unionist Folk

As you will be aware Sir Reg of Empey has stud down an left the position o' laider o' yer party clean empey. Ah have bin fallyin' developments in the paper, an notice that oany twa candidates, Ah think, hiv come forward, namely yer boy frae Fermanagh an' the Rev Wullie McCrea. Ah was thinkin' that thy'on field is wile narra', an' was therefore nat shacked til approached by senior party figures fur til stawn messel*.

Ah hiv giv this matter some thocht, several beer's worth in fact, an' hiv decided fur til throw ma bowler intil the ring. Ah'll admit Ah'm nat a member, but the neither is Wullie McCrea, an' Ah kin join after Ah git elected. Ah hope fur til bring a modernisin' an' forward lukkin' approach til the campaign, an' list ma palicies below......

Yin: The tie up wi' the Tories was a ballix, sae we'll dump them an' get in cahoots wi' Red China. They hiv more money an' can encourage inward investment (Ah hiv bin learnin' wurds like thy'on ready for the election)

Twa: We need fur til get mair o' the o'er surt til vote fur us. Ah wud suggest that a rake o' senior figures shud spell their names wrang frae the noo. Thus Daphne Trimble wud become Daomphni Ni Trimbhhlle and David McNarry shud be Daffied og MacNearrphy. Ah'm taul the o'er sure are clean mad fur the odd names, sae thy'on will attract themuns.

Thrie: The DUPers reckon they hiv the Ulster Scots vote sewed up, oany because they elected a lunatic in Strangfurd. As a tap Ulster Scots figure messel, Ah will bring the hamely folk in behine us. Unner ma laidership we will spake in Ulster Scots in the Arsembly, an' all MLA's will wear Kilt/Bowler hats ensembles fur media appearances.

Fower: The Economy - is ballixed Ah reckon. Economic growth an' inward investment (see) will be encouraged through mair folk workin' fur cash in hand, thus enablin' them til claim the brew at the same time. This will stimulate somethin'. Incidentally Ah wurk fur cash oany, but we can sort that after Ah'm in.

Five: Corporation Tax. Ah dinnae knae whit thy'on is, sae Ah think we shud increase it or scrap it, dependin' oan what the English make us do.

Sax: Unionist Unity: We tell the DUPers they can join us any time they like, if they dinnae want til they can get til fek.

Lots of Love
Professor Billy McWilliams
Heid Yin o' 1690 an all thon, website/palitical think tank.

*(Ah admit thit this approach was limited til yin o' yer councillors walkin' past me the o'er day)

The Gaeltacht - fur ah was in it.

2010-07-15T12:36:00.001+01:00

Ah hiv jist returned frae a cross community drinkin' binge in the Free State, designed fur tae bring usuns an' themuns intae mutual harmony through the power of meat and lager. Til a certain extent this succeeded as the commonality of alcohol related tomfoolery o'ercomes maist social an' religious divides. Ah hiv til admit though that there wus a severe barney at 4 am on the yinst night forcin' messel til employ ma peacekeepin' skills. Ah am glad til say that this kerfuffle was o'er the heid o' taxis, rain an' slappers rather than palitics, provin' that society has moved oan, a bit.

Howiver that is nat the issue in hawn', fur hivin' bin invited til said binge Ah was shacked til fine it is in a part o' the occupied 3 counties knain as the Gaeltacht. Thus, hivin' set aff in ma motor, merrily fallyin' ma designated route oan the map, ah wus faced wi' a barrage o' nonsensical signs which bore nae resemblence til the placenames that Ah was seekin'. Worse still, oan assemblin' in the pub wi' ma fella delegates, the folk in it were nat oany spakin' the Gaeltacht, but were conversin' in a strange dialect unrecognisable til those used til the cultured Irish language spake by Gerry Adams oan the television set.

Cultural Parity.

Anyhow, in mair sober moments it brung me mine back til a suggestion Ah put til Nelson McCauseland a' lock o' months back - thit a Scotstacht shud be established whereby oor language cud be cherished an' promoted. The twa areas are very similar, beautiful scenery, lots o' sea, an' a huge quanity o' hooses occupied fur twa weeks a year by Belfast folk. Hivin' seen the Free State boys in action, ah wud like fur til take this idea further by suggestin thit the Ards shud be made monolingual forthwith. Tae my mine, this wud be relatively aisily achieved by simply copyin' the Gaeltacht folk's manoevures -

Road Signs - shud be in somethin' naebudy unnerstawns. At the moment the folk up the Ards hiv both the Ulster Scots an' the Inglis', dae awa' wi' the latter. Talbotstoon an' Greba are there already, Ah wud suggest we call Bangor, Bengor; Carrowdore, Carrydour an' Millisle, The Hole.

Shaps - Like the Gaeltacht area, all prices shud be extortionately raised beyon the means o' all but the super rich. A packet o' fegs shud cost £8.50 an' a can o' beer £2.53. Ah got aroun' this in the Free State by bringin' an immense quantity o' beer wi' me an' refusin' til move. The money raised cud pay fur til put awl the signs oan the shaps intil the hamely tongue and til convert weights an' measures intil the standard Ulster Scots yins o' wheens, locks an' rakes.

Banks - Ah noted thit the banks are alsae in the Gaeltacht language. Thus a visit til the cashpoint was extremely confusin'. It tuk me a fair lock o' minutes til realise that Banc na Eireann was actually ma destination til start wi', then the machine offered me a choice o' Inglis an' An Gaelige. Nae Ulster Scots ah noticed. In the Scotstacht the cashpoints shud likewise be in Ulster Scots. Insteid o' sayin "Please enter your pin" it should say "Stick in yer nummer ye boy ye an' make sure naebudies lukkin'." Likes wise "Do you want advice with that transaction" shud say "Thy'ons a fair amoont yer fur takin' oot, dinnae spen' it awl in the yin shap."

Folk - The folk shud all spake broad Ulster Scots, but then be unable til read somethin' in the language when asked til dae sae by a casual visitor. This appears fur til be the norm in the Gaeltacht.

Schools - the schools shud prepare the wains o' the Ards fur the C21st by teachin' them nathin but Ulster Scots, creationism, bonefire erection, murial paintin', Scottish dancin' an' the flute. Til a certain extent a pilot scheme fur this is already in operation in Portavogie.

O'er matters.

Racent events hiv highlighted the urgent naid fur recreational riotin' facilities in Belfast, as Ah suggested a wheen o' posts ago. Twa burds cud be kilt wi' yin stain Ah reckon, fur the contentious paraders cud march roun' the facility in front o' the rioters aforehawn, thus allayin' them til get their blood up sufficiently an' in turn minimisin' traffic disruption til the ordinary citizen. Polis tactics wudnae naid til change, fur they cud jist stan' an watch frae a distance an' arrest naebudy. At o'er times o' the year the local youths cud engage in community murial paintin' aroun the facility, an' then vandalise eacho'ers after.

Pulitzer Prize Winnin' Stuff.

2010-07-09T16:51:00.000+01:00

1690 his made the paper again. Admittedly oany the Belfast Telegraf, nat the Newsletter, but til be fair til themuns at the Tele they recognised the naid fur an Ulster Scots perseptive on the Twelfth an' decided fur til approach oorselves fur comment. Yit again they hiv fell intil the "Satirical Character" trap in describin' messel, an' furgat Professor in ma title. Ah wudnae mine tae much, but when Ah gae fur funnin' frae the Europe it's nae help if they think Ah'm jist takin' the pish.

Anyhow the article is here, aulder raiders may recognize much o' it frae last Twelfth, but that disnae matter, fur sure the point o' the Twelfth is thit it's the same every year anyhow. Twa comments hiv come floodin' in Ah notice, Ah hape we dinnae git intil buther like the last time Ah turned ma hand til this. Ah wud point oot thit the tele asked me til temper ma Ulster Scots language usage fur their raiders, bein', as they are, frae the metropaliton elite.

Ballywalter Bonefire.

Ah hiv accidentally foun' messel oan a research trip up the Ards an' thus taeday driv past the magnificant structure thit is Ballywalter Bonefire. Fur the benefit o' raiders who may nat hiv seen this wonderful erection Ah tuk a couple o' wee snaps, yin o' which kin be sain above. Whilst photographin' Ah alsae discussed bonefire construction wi' the twa small boys thit appeared til be foremen o' the site. They claimed that their wus the best oan the Ards an' that Portavogie's was pish. Ah hiv til agree oan this, fur a driv roun' Portavogie lukkin' fur til get a snap fur comparison an' cudnae fine anythin' even resemblin' a bonefire.

Anyhow Ah pointed oot til the twa wains that their bonefire bore mair than a passin' resemblence til the crenelated glories o' an Elizabethan Tower House, stannin' sentinal o'er the harbour. They jist lukked at me tae be fair, an' wernae interested in ma proposal thit they study fur an HND in Bonefire Erection at South Aist Ards Bible an' Caterin' College. It is a shame thit the complex engineering o' a bonefire is nat better recognised by the Department o' Education folk, or indeed the valuable boon provided til the pallet industry oan an annual basis.

Radio "Ulster" an' the Rev Dr.

2010-07-08T11:56:00.006+01:00

The Reverend Dr.

The Hoose o' Lairds hiv decided fur til mark the elevation o' the Rev Dr Big The Laird Backside by the production o' an action figure o' the big man. Priced at a competitive £16.90, the doll comes with a range o' accessories, includin' snowballs, a red beret, a pint of the devil's buttermilk an' a turn coat.

If any o' yis doubt how much time ah hiv til waste, this was the original thit the Hoose based their figue oan - http://www.tfhsg.com/lotr18legolasbox.jpg

The Radio

As Ah'm sure yis are aware we are priviliged in this country fur til hiv twa BBC radio stations, Ulster an' Foyle. Whilst themuns in Foyle can dae whit they like, Ah fur yin expect the Radio Ulster boys til live up til their name an' put oot suitlable material fur the Ulster Scot. As ah hiv pointed oot befair, yis are the British BC, nat the Free State BC. Thus ah am gratified fur til larn thit they hiv a new Ulster Scots drama series in the offin', a small step at laist in redressin' the balance. Details are below, but ah wud like fur til point oot thit ah didne write it, fur a wud niver hiv calt an Ulster Scot Paddy.

Sunday 18^th July 2010 4.03pm / Repeat Wednesday 22^nd July 2010 7.30pm
EPISODE 1 - HIS CHRISTMAS DAY

This is the first in a series of humorous stories, featuring the trials and adventures of Mr Paddy McQuillan: in this first episode, it's Christmas Day and Paddy goes to Belfast where he has a rather unfortunate encounter at a Masonic Lodge....

EPISODE 2 - HIS TRIP TO GLASGOW (Part 1)

This story begins with Paddy deciding, despite his mother’s grave misgivings, to visit Glasgow. On board the ferry, he falls in with a Scotsman called Sauny who takes him in hand and promises to show him the sights of the city, starting with a Glasgow Eating House…. This story concludes next week.

Sunday 25th July 2010 4.03pm / Repeat Wednesday 29th July 2010 7.30pm

EPISODE 3 - HIS TRIP TO GLASGOW (Part 2)

Continued from last week. Paddy McQuillan is in Glasgow with his new friend, Sauny. Following some trouble at the Post Office when he tries to collect a money order, Paddy goes shopping - but winds up before the magistrate! Having talked his way out of a custodial sentence, he takes the ferry back home to his relieved mother.

Sunday 1^st August 2010 4.03pm / Repeat Wednesday 5^th August 2010 7.30pm

EPISODE 4 - HIS COURTSHIPS

Paddy McQuillan’s mother arranges for him to take tea with the formidable Miss Norris - in the hope of making a match for him. Paddy, however, takes a shine to the younger and more appealing Maggie Patten and sets out to court her instead. All doesn’t exactly go smoothly however with the course of true love….

Sunday 8^th August 2010 4.03pm / Repeat Wednesday 12^th August 2010 7.30pm EPISODE 5 - HIS WEDDING
In preparation for his forthcoming wedding, Paddy McQuillan sets off to Belfast to get the wedding licence. Then he and Maggie purchase a few essentials in the shops - before it’s time at last for the Big Day!

EPISODE 6 - HIS WEE PADDY and THA CHRISNIN’

A new arrival means new worries for Paddy McQuillan - what with potential hazards round the house and constant crying throughout the night! However, plans for the baby’s christening soon give Paddy more to think about as he arranges a party for all his friends.

Sunday 15^th August 2010 4.03pm / Repeat Wednesday 19^th August 2010 7.30pm

EPISODE 7 - HIS TWINS

Robin Gordon is very amused to hear that his friends Paddy and Maggie McQuillan have just had twins! Friends gather round to meet the new-borns and congratulate their parents - and Paddy is persuaded to have a celebratory tea-party.

EPISODE 8 - PADDY McQUILLAN’S TAY PERTY (Part 1)

Robin Gordon and Paddy McQuillan start making arrangements for a tea party to celebrate the arrival of Paddy’s twins.

Sunday 22^nd August 2010 4.03pm / Repeat Wednesday 26^th August 2010 7.30pm

EPISODE 9 - PADDY McQUILLAN’S TAY PERTY (Part 2)

It’s Paddy McQuillan’s Tay Perty and friends and family all gather round to help the McQuillan’s christen their new twins - Samuel and Jemima. With poetry, songs and a presentation to Maggie, everyone has a great time.

EPISODE 10 - McQUILLAN ABROAD

It’s a sad time in County Down - for Paddy McQuillan and his family have been forced, by their rackrenting landlord, to sell up and emigrate to Canada. All their County Down friends gather to bid them farewell.

Belfast

2010-07-06T22:26:00.000+01:00

Ah hid occasion fur til visit Belfast o'er the weekend, attendin' high level Ulster Scots talks an' drinkin' sessions in oor nation's alleged capital*. Whilst there Ah spent a wee while observin' the ways o' the City Folk, bein', as they are, markedly differn frae the rest o' us.

Pub Toilets

Obviously high level Ulster Scots talks are helt in a drinkin' establishment, but when Ah ventured til the toilet ah was shacked fur til fine a sinister lukkin' boy stannin' in the corner wi' an array o' perfumery. Nat bein' Oh Fay wi' the ways o' the city pub, Ah wisnae sure whit he wus fur, wonderin' til messel whether he was expected til haul Wee Billy at the pisher, a matter o' some concern til messel as ah hid bought new pants an' cudnae fine the exit hole**. Oan returnin' til ma table ah was informed thit he wud let ye spray yersel frae his range o' scents, a pointless persuit fur ah hid gie me oxters a fair dose o' Brut afore Ah went oot. Fur gawd's sake, can ye imagine thy'on in prapur pubs, sure there'd be nay room in the toilet fur the boy in the first place, an' he'd maist likely get a slap fur hingin' aboot them.

Weemin Folk

Jays but they show a lock o' bosom oan a nicht oot. This is a guid thing which Ah suggest we adopt in the country forthwith. Ah shall raise it at the lodge.

All Nicht Garages.

We dinnae hiv these, but they are class. Ah hiv an' o'erwhelming desire fur til go til yin wi' ma big shappin', fur the wee boy inside wud hiv til run aboot lukkin for yer stuff an' ye cud jist raid the paper while ye wait. The o'er folk in the queue wudnae mine Ah think, fur sae far as Ah cud see all they were buyin' was Cigarette paper an' immense quantities o' snacks.

Recreational Riotin'

Disnae exist in the country, but shud be encouraged fur the young folk o' the city. Far tae many city wains lie aboot playin' oan X Baxes, an' this riotin' provides much naided exercise whilst allowin' them til engage in essential cross-community activity. Howiver Ah hiv deduced thit this must be wile annoyin' fur the folk whit live roun' their chosen patch. Thus Ah propose the erection o' a National Recreational Riotin' Stadium, where the wains can meet up an' demolish eacho'er til their hearts content. A range o' defunct motors cud be provided fur burnin', alang with auld milk bottles an' the like, encouragin' enviromentalist reuse an' recyclin. Furthermair, the erection o' a stand fur veiwin' wud be a valuable boon til the tourist industry, an' perhaps the rioters cud be encouraged fur til adopt the clothin' o' the 1970s, providin' an histerical re-enactment twist til this interestin' cultural activity.

O'er Matters.

The Rev Dr Big Ian Paisley is now The Rev Dr Big Lord Backside o' Somewhere. This was ah histerical moment, placin' the great dissenter at the heart o' the establishment. Howiver ah wud like fur til point oot that he looked a richt arse in his robes.

* Real Capital is Larne

** Fur why wud anybody make pants wi' nae exit hole? Ah hiv checked the label, they are men's pants. Fur gawds sake am Ah meant fur til drop the breeks like a wain? Ah am fur writin' til Sainsbury's.

Norn Ireland Wurld Cup Bid 2018

2010-06-25T01:19:00.001+01:00

Ah'm sure yis hiv noticed by now, the Wurld Cup is up on us, bringin' the quadrilennial delights o' the Inglis press goin' buck mental o'er things an' immense quantities o' beer. Howiver as a tap culture person ah hiv bin wurkin' behine the scenes fur til support oor ain bid til host the aforementioned tournament. Invented by nain o'er thin May McFetridge, there is a thrivin' facebuk site dedicated til bring the tournament til oor wee land, an' a hiv threw the full backin' o' the 1690 team behine it. The passibilities are endless, ah kin jist see the openin' ceremony noo, wi' massed Lambegs an' formation sectarian tauntin' til entertain the wurld. Thus ah' hiv turned ma hawn til the video makin' thing again, an' hiv bin honoured til receive the richt fur til make the official fillum.

Oh aye, an' ah've researched this. Ye hiv tae use Snow Patrol oan all fillums connected til Norn Iron fitba.

Giant's Causeway.

2010-06-11T11:21:00.001+01:00

Ah note that the Creationist boys are at it again, this time askin' fur a display at the Giant's Causeway. Ah cudnae agree mair. All exhibitions shud give counter points of view oan things. Ah racently visited the Anne Frank exhibiton in Strabane, it wud be improved markedly if the BNP were allowed til give the Holocaust denial argument. Likewise the Orange Order's wee museum could be balanced by a series of panels writ by the Bogside resident's group.

Howiver ah amnae yin til luk a gift baste in the gub. Ah hereby volunteer ma expert services fur til write the Creationist thing fur the National Truss. In daein sae they will kill twa burds wi' yin stain, fur they'll get a wheen o' Ulster Scots things threw in oan tap. Therefore ah propose fur til send this til them forthwith.

An' Lo'..........
1. At the end o' the seven days the Laird did luk at his new creation an' saw that it wus guid. "Ah hiv made the heaven an' the earth an' the bastes an' the burds an' the like," he didst say, "An' a hiv made fowk, an stuck them somewhar in the middle aist."

2. The Laird didst continue "Jist fur the record ah wud ask yis til note thit Ah hivnae made any dinosaurs oor the like, but Ah wus bored oan the third day an' stuck a few big bones in the racks fur til gie me a laugh in a lock o' years an' til fool yer science boys."

3. Thus the Laird didst rest, an' whilst restin' turned his attention til the Nairth Antrim area. "This coastline is braw," he thunk, "but lacks a certain je ne say qua" fur the Laird wus wurkin' oan French fowk in his spare time.

4. "Ah will gie this area til ma chosen fowk, the Ulster Scots, in a bit, but fur now ah will fashion a massive attraction fur til allae them til fleece Americans an o'er tourists in the years til come." Thus the Laird did invent the hexagon an' piled a rake o' them up randomly, aiven drappin' a lock o' them in the sea. The Laird didst luk at his thing, an calt it the Giant Causeway."

5. Then the Laird didst ate veda an' cheese.

Big Jim Shannon spakes.

2010-06-09T21:31:00.000+01:00

Jaipurs but it wus a quare day in the Hoose of Communs the day, as Strangfurd's ain Jim Shannon addressed the heid yins fur the yinst time. Ah wus a bit tuk aback til fine thit it his taken him a full month fur til say anythin'. Ah dinnae ken aboot yerself, but if ah gat messel a new jab, an' didnae open ma mouth fur 4 weeks, ah wud expect the sack. Howiver spake he did, an' magnificantly tae.

His wurds was as fallies, note the slight variation betwain Mr Shannon's use o' the hamely tongue, an' ma ain spellin'. He is frae the Ards, ah amnae.

"Thaur is monies a guid thang at A cud sae aboot tha fowk o mi Baille-Wick bot yince an firmaist A coont it a muckle oaner tae spake oot oan thair ahauf in tha Hoose O Commons.

"Tha Strengfird fowk ir tha sat o tha yirth, an in thenkin thaim fer thair support A wud promis thaim at A'll wrocht an dae fer thaim aa at A caun."

Now the BBC website says that big Jim - "says he is not a fluent speaker of Ulster-Scots but is a keen enthusiast." Aye then Jim - keep yer gub shut, oor else come an' talk til an expert like messel afore ye spout aff in the Hoose.

"Thenkin" an' "Strengfird"are clearly Cherry Velley wurds, an' as fur Baillie-wick, wur did he get thy'on frae? Tae the best o' ma knawledge, it is an auld Inglis term. The correct Ulster Scots wurd fur a palitician's constituency is his shitehole.

Alsae accordin' til the BBC - "Mr Shannon also paid tribute to Iris Robinson, his predecessor as Strangford MP, whom he said was "well-known for her years as a conscientious worker". Knain a wee bit tae well ah wud say, in the biblical sense at laist.

Big Ian

Is the noo the Rev Dr Big Laird Ian Paisley o' my Arse, accordin' til oor pole. A fittin' epitihet fur the great mawn's career.

And they giv Seamus Heaney the Nobel Prize?

2010-06-05T18:30:00.000+01:00

Exlusive interview wi' me.

2010-06-02T20:07:00.005+01:00

Ah jist minded that ah was interviewed fur the paper the o'er day, durin' awl the election carry on. Ah hiv nae idea if it wus iver printed, in fack a very much doubt it. It wus in the Banbridge Laider an' ah hivnae lived in Banbridge fur years sae dinnae buy it, if oany o' yis dae get it let me knae if it turned up. Their website disnae hiv it, sae ah hiv stuck it here fur yer curiosity. Ah alsae furgat tae comment oan the Rev Dr Big Ian Paisley gittin' made a Laird. He hisnae picked a spot yet, sae ah've made a pole fur yer suggestions.

Tell us a wee bit about yourself?

A wus born local til yerselves, oot the back road in Lisnafiffy, an' wus brung up in whit ye might call a traditional Ulster Scots spakin' hoosehaul. After a brief an' largely unsuccessful education ah bought messel an online dacturate like the Rev Dr Big Ian Paisley an' set aboot establishin' messel within the wurld o' Ulster Scots academia. At present ah wurk at the Ballymena School o' Ulster Scots Dancin', as Professor of Rhythmic Lambeg Interpretation as well as bein' Heid Yin o' 1690 an all thon - the social nat wurkin' site fur those professionals an' academics wi an interest in the hamely tongue. Oor site examines issues o' importance til the Ulster Scot - like histerical an cultural matters, the weather, palitics an' sausage rolls.

There are a couple of local places of interest to those entrigued by Ulster Scots academia. Can you tell us a bit about those?

The Banbridge district is a hot bed o' Ulster Scots things, wi a flourishin' academic community. Fur example it was a taem o' Archaeologits frae Dromara International Fife an' Drum Theraputic Music Centre who discovered the wurld famous stain circle ootside Annaclone now nain as Sammy Wilson's Ring . Likewise ma ain townland o' Lisnafiffy is hame til the Ulster-Huguenot School o' Alledged Climatic Changin' Events, whit ye might call a think tank oan all things enviromentalist.

The website aims to spread the word of the Ulster Scots language. How is that campaign coming along?

Well judgin' by the fack that youse are interviewin' me its goin' right an' well. Ah hiv til admit thit we hivnae always bin successful. Oor attempt fur til get Ballyhalbert crowned UK City o' Culture met with some sympathy with the heid yins o' that carry on but they said that it wus tae wee til be considered. Likewise ah hid nae luk wi' ma attempts til force Google intae creatin' an Ulster Scots translation tool. Ah'm still rippin' aboot thy'on fur they do translate intil Free State an' sae far as I am concerned this breaks the Guid Friday Agreement's stipulations oan parity o' steam.

The site has turned a bit political at the minute thanks to the General Election coming up. What are your own thoughts on it?

As a cultural hub thing it is important fur oorselves til advise the Ulster Scots electorate on such matters. Ah noticed that nain o' the parties hid buthered their arses providin' manifestos an' the like in the hamely tongue. Thus a tuk it upon messel fur til provide Ulster Scots subtitles fur the election broadcasts o' the Shinners an' the DUPers. Wi'oot ma translations, how else is an Ulster Scot supposed til choose betwain them twa parties? Interestinly oor broadcasts are mair papular on Youse Tube than the real yins, provin' the point that in ignorin' oorselves, the parties are missin' oot on potential voters. Neither party his replied til ma e-screeds demandin' translations, sae ah micht waste ma vote on the Greens this time jist til show them up.

If you were Prime Minister for the day what would you do?

Make Ulster Scots the official language o' Ulster, even the bits in the Free State. Ah might invade France tae.

On the website there are details of a few computer games brought out for Ulster Scots users. What can you tell us about those?

The boys at Carrickfergus games developers Micrasaft spotted a gap in the market fur Ulster Scots themed TV games, an' put taegither a couple o' yins fur the Nintendo Wee. "Flute Hero" is a big seller in the Rathcoole area, allowin' the gamer til use the Wee's control system fur til play all manner o' papular Loyalist anthems. Personally ah prefer "Lambeg idol", wi' its unique "Cane controller attachment" sae ye can batter oot a few tunes fur til try til impress an on-line Simon Caul.

There have been a few comments on your website about women being the cause of global warming. How have you come to this conclusion?

Aye, thy'on came aboot as a result o' the controversy surroundin' the remarks o' Minister Wilson. A climatic changin' conference was helt in Magherally Young Farmer's club an' the distinguished Japanese academic Yoko McElvey effectively proved that Global Warmin' isnae man made, it's doon til weemen. Although thunk ootrageous at the time Prof McElvey hid graphs an' everythin' thit showed a direct correlation between the nummer o' pairs o' shoes thit women hiv an' the amount o' carbon in the atmosphere. Now ah'm nae enviromentalism expert messel, but there were graphs, sae it must be true.

Finally, with the marching season already underway are there any parades you are particularly looking forward to?

Ah hiv a particular fondness fur Rathfriland messel, fur its grand crack watching the Drumnavaddy boys struggle up thy'on hill wi' their Lambegs. Drumcree his lost some o' its lustre in racent years, nae tractors blackin' roads oor the like but in the heels o' the hunt Scarva is hard til bate. Ah fur yin hiv a substantial collection o' expelled shotgun shells frae the 1970s, gathered up roun' the feet o' the Sham Fightin' boyos. Must putt them on ebay some time, make a few shillins.

Arse imitates Life.

2010-05-26T19:28:00.001+01:00

Oor aulder raiders may recall thit back in Febuary ah hid occasion fur til visit the Ulster Museum alang with a variety o' Tyrone folk. Yis may mind thit we lost the boy wha' locks the toilets in the village, near causin' a crisis o' smallish praportions. Oan ma return ah tuk issue wi' the aforementioned Museum over a dearth o' Ulster Scots related things, an' a severe lack o' balance in the Creationism/Evolution debate. Imagine my shack fur til learn taeday thit nain o'er than the Heid Yin of Culture, Arse an' Leisure, Nelson McCausland, his taken up ma cause. Ah writ til the Museum but they niver replied. Slap it up yis now ah say, fur if yid hiv listened then this situation cud hiv bin avoided.

The big auld brains up in thy'on Museum wud dae well fur til mind thit they are the ULSTER Museum, nat some prapaganda machine fur the Free State. As such they shud reflect the interests o' the folk whit live here, even the ones thit are clean mental.

Addendum til this.

Ah'm nat tae sure whit an addendum is, but in this case it is mair o' an after thocht. Laughin' as ah wis at the carry oan o' Nelson the day, later oan ah got til thinkin'. This is whit folk oot there make o' us folk in here. We hiv elected a complait an' utter arse. Nat fur him the Scottish Enlightenment, a concept which crossed til oorselves an' made Belfast the hame o' Irish Radicalism. Nae 1798 rebellion fur Nelson. (Mair of which in Bit 38 - How we Accidentally became Fenians fur a bit)
Instied we git mixed up American shite aboot floods an' the like, which the Inglis can bait us o'er the heid wi'. Ah note the Guardian says - "The belief that the Earth was divinely created in 4004 BC originates with the writings of another Ulster-based Protestant, Archbishop of Armagh James Ussher, in 1654." Aye, fair enough - except he wud be whit ye micht call an Anglo-Irish boy, nat an Ulster Scot, a Dubliner tae boot, a man o' the Inglis establishment. The implication in the Guardian's wee article is thit he wus frae Annaclone oor the like. Ah am cross aboot this, an' McCausland better watch his hairy arse.

Wurld Cup.

A questioner in the Hoke Oot thing asks who we shud be for supportin' in the Wurld Cup. Ah hiv giv this matter some thocht, an feel thit it is a question wurthy o' a considered anser. Gi'en the lack o' oorselves in it, ye micht think thit the natural thing til dae wud be til support oor nearest neighbours. Howiver in this case it is Inglan', yin o' the natural predators o' the Ulster Scot. The "nearest neighbour" theory micht alsae require us til support the Free State in future tournaments, so it is best knacked oan the heid at this stage. All of the other countries taken part, so far as ah can wurk oot, are foreign, a worryin' wurd til any richt thinkin' mawn. Ah hiv therefore decided the best thing til dae is til pick a country which his the most Ulster Scots in it, namely the America. Like oorselves they hiv a wile lat o' religious heid the balls, like a ficht an' spake a language vaguely similar til Inglish.

Cullion

Hivin' failed in ma plan til git UK City o' Culture status fur Ballyhalbert, ah am delighted til give ma support til Cullion in their campaign oan the facebuk. Cullion is a braw wee spat, fernenst Donemana an' Newbuildins, ah urge any o' yis wha hiv the facebuk til back their bid.

Spat the Diffrence Competition.

2010-05-20T19:00:00.000+01:00

Luk at these twa photies carefully, then see how moany diffrences ye kin fine.

Sae far I have spatted thit there are twa arses in the first yin, an' three in the second.

Ulster Scots Histry o' Ireland - Bit the Fourteenth.

2010-05-14T14:56:00.001+01:00

Ah wus lukkin at this the o'er day an' realised thit due til the interjection o' an election, we hidnae bin daein' tae much Histry o' late. The last thing we lukked at was how the Angle-Normans invaded Ulster, at the behest o' the Pope an' his bull. Ah signed aff by sayin' thit the next time ah wud take a luk at how they enforced their ways upon the peace lovin' Ulster Scot, whilst at the same time disabusin' the Gaelic lat o' any thochts thit it was they what was invaded. This ah shall dae now, it shudnae take tae lang.

How the Angle Normans enforced their ways on the hamely folk, an' the disabusin' o' Gaelic folk.

The invasion o' Ulidia, fur that is whit Ulster was calt then, by Roger de Courcy* was oany the start o' it. Yince in, he hid til make sure he helt oantil his new tertitory. Now ah am nae expert oan the Medieval period, fur the Phd ah bought was in Fairly Racent Things Studies, sae ah must turn yince again' til the superior knowledge of Professor Wullie McIlveen. Wullie hisnae featured much in these pages of late, but fortunately he his recently been appointed visitin' lecturer in Fairly (but not tae) Auld Stuff at Ballymackilroy Institute of Cattle Technology. He gained this new jab on the strength of his latest seminal work on histerical matters - "Thieving English Bastards - How the Angle Normans made a Ballix oot of Ulster". In this new tome Wullie drives the final nail intil the Gaelic folk's claims thit they were here first. Here he explains how he came tae his vaguely histerical conclusions.

Religion -

There can be nae doubt thit the Pope sent the English over, as explained in the previous histry bit, but how did this effect the Presbyterians o' Ulster. Well for yin thing, says Wullie, Roger de Courcy invented St Patrick an' Saints. Hivin' decided fur til build his new capital at Dun (Ulster Scots for Down), he claimed til hiv foun' the bones o' Saints Patrick, Bridget an' Colin, movin' them all til his new church. Nat oany that, but he stuck St Patrick oan his money an' made a wile big fuss aboot him in general. In daein' sae he concocted whit histerians term "the cult o' St Patrick" an' thus, Wullie points oot, the English invented St Patrick's Day. Whit dae ye think oan thy'on Feile folk?

Mair Religion

At the time the Presbyterians o' Ulster worshipped in small wooden churches fur the maist part, with oany the odd yin made o' stains. These were similar in construction til all the wee Gospel Halls that dot oor landscape til this very day - nae coincidence there. De Courcy, howiver, brung in big stain churches an' abbeys o' the type frequented by the o'er surt an' their near kinsmen in the Church of Ireland. It is interestin' tae note thit yin o' his biggest was erected in the heart o' Ulster Scots territory oan the Ards. In a blatant attempt tae ingratiate hisself with the locals he Anglicised the Ulster Scots name "Greba" intil Grey Abbey.

Castles -

However Religion was oany yin o' the iron fists thit de Courcy used til shatter the old Ulster Scots order, he alsae used military might til bring the folk til heel. The Angle-Normans were richt an' handy at buildin' castles, many o' which can still be visited taeday (if, that is, NIEA bother their arses til open them). It is these castles, Wullie argues, that give the clearest indications yit thit it was the Ulster Scots thit the Angles were lukkin' til control, rather than the o'er surt.

He points oot that the key til the success o' any castle oor fortification is its strategic location, an' there is a dearth o' Angle Norman Castles in areas where the o'er surt are prevelent. Rather de Courcy's early castles an Mottes are located in Ulster Scots strangholds - Carrickfergus, Clough, Dromore, Harryville fur gods sake. Even the mighty citadel of Dundrum is so named fur the annual Lambeg drummin' match thit the early Ulster Scots helt in the area before the Angle boys arrived. Categorical proof, says Wullie, thit it was the hamely folk that were sufferin' under the chainmail jackboot o' de Courcy.

There ye have it. Nae further discussion required.

(* Aye Serendipity, ah read your last comment, but ah prefer the name Roger)

O'er things -

Balmoral show is streets ahead in the pole. Ah am glad til see thit oor votin' nummers are back til normal after the madness thit was the election. However in the midst o' all that we were in the paper again, winnin' plaudits fur oor election coverage. Yer man putts us oan a parr wi' the BBC's coverage, an' richtly sae, fur ah hid a wile hangover til pay fur ma wurk that night.

Cultural Extravaganza

2010-05-11T18:06:00.000+01:00

Right - Ballix til yer woman

The folk of the wider wurld, an' ah include paliticians o' all ilks in that, tend fur til view the complex culture o' the Ulster Scot through the prism o' marchin', flute bawnds an' lambegs. All are fine things but whilst Orangefest, oor whitiver its calt, has its place, it is oany a drap in the complex cultural ocean that makes up the Ulster Scot's psyche. This week offers an explosion o' such delights, as it brings til oor fair shores the glories of the Balmoral Show and the Nairth West Twa Hunner. In order fur til facilitate the unititiated intil these twa pillars o' Ulster grateness, ah prupose fur til gie yis a brief guide til whit til expect, an' the social etikette required shud ye decide til visit either occasion.

The Balmoral Show

The Balmoral Show was invented fur til allow folk frae across the pravince til luk at yos an' coos an' the like whilst at the same time bein' in a town. Normally this is nat passible, makin' towns, o'er than market yins, inherently alien til the true Ulster Scot.
The oany time ye shud be in a town is fur a market or a march, o'er wise there is divilment in them, the roads are wile hard tae cross an' ye get bad luks in yer tractor. Except Ballymena.
Thus in 18 somethin' or o'er a devoted bawnd o' animal enthusiasts resolved fur til bring the country folk intil Belfawst, much til the chag rin o' the folk livin' there taeday, fur they hiv three days o' folk drivin' wile slow, wavin' at everybody oot their windaes, and stappin' oan the westlink til talk til the boy in the car next til him. Ah wud urge all country folk til dae sae wi' pride, slow the bastards doon fur a wheen o' days.

Balmoral etikette

Whit til wear - ideally three coats an' a V neck, flat cap an' wellington boots. Nat green yins, black, wi muck oan them. A shirt is optional. Bailer twine belts used til be the style, but give aff a country bumpkin luk, better aff wi' a pair o' stout braces unner yer V neck. Fur wimmin, much the same, oany a dress. Both sexes shud carry a stout stick at awl times.

Whit til say - The fallyin' phrases are wurth mindin'. "Grawnd day fur it", "Luk at the hocks on thy'on?", "Where is the grant tent?", "Dae ah git a free Newsletter wi' that?", "When is Hugo Duncan oan?" "Ah am aff fur til luk at them new Rennold tractors."

Whit nat tae say - "The boys and I come here every year, it is important for them to understand where their food comes from." "Is there a vegetarian option?" "Renault". Alsae dinnae say anythin aboot the o'er surt - they are allowed til come til this, it is nat the Twelfth.

Whit til drive - in an ideal wurld a Massey Ferguson 135 circa 1965. If nat, a 1987 landrover defender wi a sheep in the back ye furgat tae let oot. Bascially any yoke built before 1995 that has muck on it and his its spare wheel on the ootside.

Food - If yer smart ye kin ate an' drink fur next til nathin', though mainly yogurts an' milk. Howiver a true Ulster Scot willnae waste his money oan the o'er priced brock oan offer, he brings his ain sangwiches, in a Mother's Pride bag oor an auld shortbread tin. The odd poke is essential, even if its pishin'.

Smells - smells are an inherent part o' the Balmoral Show, an' shud nat be commentated upon. This provides an ideal opportunity fur til add smells o' yer ain wi' naebudy noticin'.

The Nairth West

This is the sporting equivilant o' the Balmoral Show - the UK's biggest sportin' event that naebody knaes aboot. The raison naebudy knaes is that anyyin whit micht watch it oan the TV is at it, sae there's nae point in puttin it oan.
As ah hiv explained afore in these pages - motorcycle road racin' is the true sport o' the Ulster Scot bringin', as it does, the richt fur til black roads an' cause climate change at the yin time. It his the advantage in bein' helt in the traditional hallyday destination o' the hamely folk, as well as hivin' a complex plethora o' accents oan display frae the riders. Nat fur Joey Dunlap an' the boys the metrosexuality o' yer David Beckhams or Christiano Ronaldos, ye drive yer ain van an' luk like a farmer at all times.

Nairth West Twa Hunner Etikette.

Whit til wear - Leather. Leather everythin' even sacks. Slaip in a leather slaipin' bag inside a leather tent. Wimmin shud revail as much o' their baps as passible, though ah admit thit thy'on micht just be a personable preference. (Oan nae account dae this at Balmoral, fur there are boys there whit hivnae sain a woman in months, an' milkin machines.)

Whit til say - "Jays thy'on boy is goin' at a quare rate." "Yeoooooo" (when prizes are awarded, or when some boy gaes fast roun' a bend". "Suckin' deisel" "Keep er lit" "When is the funeral?"

Whit nat tae say - "This is a disgrace, I have to get to my work". Anythin' aboot the environment. Anythin aboot danger, noise, bannin' it or the like. As wi' Balmoral, there may be o'er surt at it, sae nathin' aboot themuns.

Whit til drive - a motorcycle, obviously, although a truck is a good secondary option. Vans with things like "Keep er Lit" in the windaes an' yer name doon the side.

Food - disnae really matter, fur whitever ye git will gie ye the shits.

Smells - petrol an'o'er fumes are prevelent. Alsae shite (see food). Chemical toilets.

In summary ah wish ye well which iver o' these cultural events ye choose fur til attend. On nae account talk til any paliticians, they oany gie til them til make it luk as if they're half interested in anythin' we think.

Other things -

Ah decided fur til ignore yer woman. Howiver ah intend til git oantil her youse tube thing an' sleg her auld brock music. Ah was slightly concerned thit when a considered retirement 6 people clicked "grand" oan the thing. Nat sure whit til make o' that. In the maintime oor pole luks at the cultural delights thit await us the week.

Election Over an' things.

2010-05-10T13:58:00.001+01:00

As ah'm sure ye are aware, the election is over. That is all that shud be said oan the matter.

Ah hiv til say thit is brung a wile lat o' new folk in oor direction - proof if proof were naided thit there is a wile naid for cultutal an' palitical analists in the Ulster Scots family. Nat thit any o' them will hing aboot ah'd imagine, sae we'll be back til oorselves again an' thank the Laird fur that. Ah was truly shacked til luk at ma Youse Tube thing til fine that nat only hiv ah bin described oan the Shinner video as an "Orange Bastard" but hiv the noo been calt a "Vile Bigot" by some SDLP woman.

"I vote SDLP - maybe a bit more moderate! But this is NOT a language- seriously!! Its a dialect- nothing more! Whatever sad individual made this video is a vile bigot!- the TUVs pathetic election result is just proof of this outmoded thinking!! Peace :)"

This despite ma categorical support fur wee Margaret an' her folk. This is a bit depressin' ah fail. It is a sad indictement oan oor society at large if ye cannae take the pish oot o' a few palitical broadcasts w'oot bein' slegged aff in such a manner. "Peace :)", ma bigotted Orange bastard arse. Of coorse sleggin' someyin elses culture aff wud saim til putt her intil the bigot category, but ah'll laiv her be.

Ah hiv thus decided fur til rearsess ma entire contribution til the cultural life o' the nation, ma attempts at balanced palitical abuse hiv obviously failed. It wud be easy til describe yer woman as an Arse, she dis saim til imply that ah am somehow in cahoots wi' the TUV. That an' the fact that ma video ootput his thus far bin 5 Unionist yins til yin Shinner. Ah didnae even dae the SDLP yin, though ah will next time.

Ah hiv therefore turned the blog clean Orange til reflect ma new foun' stutus as a bigot, an' will retire til ma estate fur til contemplate whether it is wurth continuin' ma wurk in the face o' such attitudes. Howiver afore ah depart ah wud like til point oot that the North West 200 an' Balmoral Show are roun' the corner, sae its a guid time o' year fur Ulster Scots in genral.

Election Results an' Peter

2010-05-07T13:32:00.002+01:00

Ah am nat yet ready fur til give a full assessment o' the election as ah am still digestin' the results, an' a wee bit hungover. In the interim ah thunk it important that Peter Rabinson's years as an MP shud be marked in some way sae made this after puttin' Mrs McWilliams through the MOT. (Update - ah messed up the timins, hiv fixed it, but cannae wurk oot how til delete the auld yin. Think ah've fixed it noo)

Live thing

2010-05-06T21:40:00.053+01:00

21.38 - Oan the couch, hiv beer an remote control. Watchin the channel 4 thing. Furgat tae get snacks, but foun a big bag o' Doritos oot o date frae Febuary. Ah hope they're OK.

21.45 - Edwina Currie, fur gods sake. Finger in her mouth like a common harlot. Nathin new there anyhow.

21.48 - 3 for 2 on selected plants at Homebase - handy

21.55 - time til turn til BBC1.

21.58 - what a crap road thing Jeremy Vine is on. Shit, forgot the drinking rules.

22.02 - wow - election results projected oantil Big Ben. Ah am fur projectin a picture o' Jim Allister's Arse oantil the Albert Clack if he gets in.

22.06 - ah apologise fur ma language - but ah fucking hate Michael Gove. Oh aye, the exit pole - nae mair accurate than mine.

22.11 - This is class - big graphs

22.16 - BBC 1 and 2 are both the same. Interestin that

22.21 - Bored now, going for a slash.

22.31 - Christ - Ben Kingsley and Bruce Forsyth - ????????

22.37 - our boys are up, but I'm fur a doze

22.40 - Jays - yid think the boy reportin frae the Ards would learn how til spake.

22.44 - Crap - dae ah watch here, or there. Think ah'll watch there fur a bit, fur they hiv a swingometer

22.53 - Some doll won fur Labour in some bit of Sunderland

22.58 - Get tae buck whichever Dimbelby ye are. We are a special case. Gae oan like thyon an ah'll blow up England messel.

23.09 - Queues to vote - turn up earlier

23.16 - Bored, definite doze.

23.46 - Woke up, bomb scare in Foyle and Londonderry - 10% swing til bastards

23.53 - Jaipurs ah'm sick o thesuns nat gettin til vote - ye hiv awl day. Shud be a bank holiday mind ye.

23.58 - Pat Doherty nat yet seen at the Tyrone count. Nae surprise there then.

00.03 - Yvette Shapiro has stuck oan a few poun'

00.14 - Big Ians on, ah wunner if wee Ian will sing when he's winnin'

00.19 - Still 3 - 0 til Labour. Ah fancy some toast.

00.29 - A scoop - from Ian McCrea's Facebuk "Jim Allister concedes to Ian Paisley Jun hahahahahahahahahahahah" - honest ah didnae make that up

00.31 - Dimbleby mentions Love bombing.

00.34 - West Tyrone - Look, its Pat Doherty - watch him well for ye won't see him for a while. The invisible MP wins again.

00.36 - Jays he can talk.

00.37 - Ano'er yin - North Antrim - Wee Ian wins - good yeooooo there frae the assembled intelligensia.

00.44 - Jays he is dae'in the singin'. Wunner if there's a verse aboot praisin' praperty developers.

00.45 - Bugger me - Neck an neck in Aist Belfast. Jays.

00.46 - Arlene was oan the groun wi Peter in Aist Belfast - snigger

00.50 - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

00.53 - Fealty - talkin brock - ma pole called the Alliance winnin a seat oor twa. Ma pole is wile accurate ye knaw.

00.58 - Wee Jeffrey his won Lagan Valley - twat

01.02 - Simpson tae - think the guid news is o'er

01.14 - Lady S is in, hair buck mental.

01.22 - BBC say that Wee Ian inherited a huge cushion frae his father.

01.26 - Gerry wearing jeans ah see. Has he helt his seat??????????

01.27 - Yes

01.30 - David Blunkett says Labour hiv lost the election. Ah think his dug was checkin the scores.

01.42 - Slap it up ye Spratt. Ye tosser. Oh aye - the Dr Fella hauls S. Belfast.

01.51 - Poor Lord Reginald - final nail in the UCUNF coffin. If ye cannae bait Wullie McCrea?

02.02 - Steven King is lookin a bit odd, and who is that wee woman in the middle.

02.13. - Hangin on fur Fermanagh - furgat til update there.

02.23 - Lembit Optic his lost his sait. Aboot time - the boys an arse.

02.26 - Arse biscuits - Wullie McCrea - Arse biscuits.

02.28 - Durkan intil Foyle - thought they'd lost count

02.40 - McCrea - fur God's sake.

02.48 - Here comes Lord Reginald - will he resign?

02.54 - Strangford - ancient seat o' the Vikings and oor Iris - is helt by Shannon

02.59 - FST - Connor by 6. Recount. Bed.

03.12 - Nat in bed yet. Wee Margaret in.

1690 Election Night Ulster Scots Service

2010-05-06T19:48:00.000+01:00

Election day is near til over, havin' brung wi' it all the excitement that only a Norn Iron ballox paper can muster. Here in the 1690 Aitch Queue we have established a tap level newroom wi' twa TVs, a wireless an' a computer, makin' this the hub fur all election related news type things.

To that end ah hiv bought a big box o' Tennents an' 4 cans o' red bull, an' reckon if ah kin haul off the drink til the count starts ah shud be able tae bring ye news til aboot 2am. Tae be fair ah micht have a few wee warm up beers about 8 til get me started. Ah wud dae the full count but Mrs McWilliams is fur the MOT in the mornin' an' ah naid til drive her til it.

This page here will therefore be regularly updated wi' interestin' things whit ah hiv occured across the palitical spectrum. Will Gerry haul his narrow majority in West Belfast? Will Sir Reginald unsait Wullie McCrea oot the back o' a pollin' station? Will mysteriously late votin' occur in Fermanagh South Tyrone? Fine oot here furst. Well after the TV anyhow. Ah am alsae developin' an election related drinkin' game til dae wi' it, mair oan which later.

Exit Pole

Ah cunducted an election pole ootside ma polin station. The Alliance gat yin vote. Everybudy else lukked a bit hard sae ah didnae ask them, though ah hid a clipboord an' everythin'. Nat sure whit this revails, perhaps an Alliance landslide in West Tyrone.

Sabbath Wurld.

Apparently oorselves an' oor German counterparts were in the Sabbath Wurld "news" paper twa weeks runnin'. Ma Drumahoe correspondant very kinely sent me oan last week's edition, where they hiv the audacity til describe messel as a "self styled" Scots Professor. Ballix. Ah shall be gettin' oantil them. They alsae described oor videos as "hilarious", slightly, ah feel, missin' their cultural significance. However ah didnae get the previous week's paper, the 23rd oor thereaboots. If any o' yis happen til purchase thy'on paper, an' fur some raison, keep haul o' them (ye micht be interested in the histry o' Irish crimelords) ah wud be fur appreciatin' it if ye let me knaw. Ah cannae sue the arses aff them if ah hivnae read it.

Official 1690 Election Endorsements.

2010-05-05T15:26:00.001+01:00

The campaign is almost at an end, thank the Laird, an' it is time fur us here at 1690 til officially endorse the candidacy o' the folk that are chasin' yer vote. Messel an' a tap taim o' palitical analists sat up til wile late last nicht arguin' the toss o'er who we shud throw oor weicht behine this time roun' an' cudnae agree oan yin party o'er the o'er. Thus we hiv drew up a list o' candidates fur til recommend in each invididual constitititunency.

Who til vote fur.........

Aist Antrim - Sir Sammy of Wilson (DUP), obviously, fur the wee cheeky chappy brings a smile til all oor faces wi' his antics. The oany doonside is that we micht lose his knowledge an' skills in Stormount if they get rid o' double jobbin.

Aist Londonderry - Willie Ross (TUV) - mainly due til his age. Nat votin' fur him wud be like kickin' an auld boy's walkin' stick oot frae unner him. Thy'on wud hiv made a damn guid election slogan. Vote fur Wullie - fur he is auld but he is beautiful.

Aist Belfast - Trevor Ringland (UCUNF) - an ability at Rugby is singularly useful in parliment. By the luks o' Naomi she'd be handy in the front row hersell but Trevor's international experience raises him above her. Alsae the name Ringland is inherintly amusin', sound's like some kindae hemeroid based theme park.

Fermanagh an' South Tyrone - Rodney Connor (Ind). Gerry putt me clean aff wee Michelle last nicht. Whit daes it matter whether she's a young mother. She's never at her wurk anyhow.

Foyle an' Londonderry - Martina Anderson (Shinner) - A bit o' a lukker, especially compared til Mark Durkan. As the Shinner's Direcktor of Unionist Engagement she is doin' sterlin' work in an' around Newbuildins. Plus she has a guid Ulster Scots surname.

Lagan Valley - Wee Daphne (UCUNF) -Substantially less likely til claim for videos in hotels ah reckon, and ah hate Daniel O'Donnell an' his incredibly smug little face.

Mid Ulster - Ian McCrea (DUP) - fur ah'm frens wi' him oan facebuk. He's never done playin' volley ball an' is rubbish at word games.

Newry an' Armagh - Naebudy, fur ah dinnae like any o' them. Stay at hame an' cut the grass.

North Belfast - A tough yin here. Gerry his a very entertainin' accent an' Dodd's face makes me laugh. Howiver ah am fur Martin McCauley (Ind), only because his fren' has amusin' hair an' his policies oan wimmin' drivin'.

North Antrim - the toughest o' the lat ah' reckon. Ian Jr or Gentleman Jim, the choice is too much fur me til cope wi'. Ah hiv come doon oan the side o' Jim (TUV) fur his angry face is very entertainin' an' Ian Jr depresses the shite oot o' me jist by lukkin'.

North Down - Liam Logan (SDLP) fur he is a prapur Ulster Scots spaker - nat like the rest o' them. Lady S' is a fine figure o' a woman but she luks as if she micht hiv a brakedoon any minute, the hair has gone buck mental of late. Can't mind any o'ers.

South Antrim - Lord Reginald of Empey (UCUNF) - Ach jist luk at his wee face. It is wile important fur us til send a Simpsons character til Westminister, an' Wullie McCrea is an arse.

South Belfast - Ah personally hate Jimmy Spratt. Ah hid a ficht wi' him in real life yince. The man is a buffoon. Yer Doctor man saims nice but there is a shortage o' GPs an' he shud get back til his work. Therefower we support wee Anna Lo (Alliance) fur she's wile smiley lukkin'.

South Down - Wee Margaret Ritchie (SDLP) - Ah think she is pure class. Mad hand gestures an' an unusual stop start spakin' manner hivnae prevented her frae stickin' it til the Shinners.

Strangford - Ach Iris, where are ye when ah naid ye. Ah hiv considered Mike Nesbitt aff the TV but he never saims til wash his hair. Ah dinnae like the luk o' the o'ers either sae its goantae be Mickey Coogan (Shinner), fur ah've never heard o' him an' he hasnae a cats chance anyhow.

Upper Bann - Harry Hamilton (UCUNF) - fur god sake the man impersonates the Queen, how more loyal can ye get? Simpson is an arsehole anyhow. Ah considered Davey Griffin o' the Alliance because ah like him but his Queen impression is brock.

West Belfast - Bill "Captain" Manwering (UCUNF) - the oany man likely fur til unsait Gerry.

West Tyrone - Ma ain constituency. Normally ah back anyyin called Hussey due tae the quality o' their surname but this time ah'm fur Michael Bower (Alliance) fur ah knae him an' dinnae knae the o'ers. An' he's richt an' smart an' its time he gat a prapur jab, faffin' aboot Belfast wi' his education. Sort yersel oot.

By ma reckonin' if the guid people o' Ulster are wise an fally ma advice oor 18 MPs shud be:

2 Shinner
2 TUV
2 Alliance
2 Independent
2 DUP
5 UCUNF
2 SDLP
1 nobody - which is the same as a Shinner sae we shud add yin oantil them.

Leaders debate, Live commentary

2010-05-04T22:15:00.000+01:00

Who will win tonight ah wunder? Oany yin way til fine oot, by awardin' points til the leaders based oan cliches an' odd things thit take ma fancy.

Economy bit

9.10 - 5 pts til Ritchie - excessive hand gestures
9.11 - 5 pts til Adams fur unnecessary an' irrlelevant reference til yer Fermanagh woman as a workin mother
9.12 - 10 pts til Reg - Dogs in the street knowin somethin
9.16 - 5 pts Robinson - "would you not agree with me."
9.17 - 15 pts til Gerry fur using the Ulster Scots "fur you til interupt me"
9.18 - Reg - 5 pts, "fantasy economics." 2 pts off for repeating.
No more points for growing private sector

Trust bit

0 pts til the questioner for makin nae sense

9.20 - 10 pts til Reg - elephant in the room
9.21 - -5 pts til Ritchie - repeated use of "nae doubt"
9.21 - 5 mair til Ritchie - hand gesticulation
9.22 - 0 pts til Peter - talkin' crap about expenses when his wife his Ireland's biggest pen
9.23 - 15pts Gerry says scunnered, however -5 for saying scundered, with a d.
9.24 - God, how can ye claim fur a briefcase -5 til Peter for crap talkin'
9.25 - Ritchie again - go Margaret on the Shinners expenses - 50 pts. Bout time someone mentioned Pat Doherty's bizarre 21000 bill fur a flat he flew til twice.
9.26 - -20 on Gerry, failure tae answer Margaret's question aboot the above.
9.29 - -15 tae Peter - talkin brock about family members workin fur him. Aye right.

Terrorists

9.30 - -5 til SDLP. Jaipurs Margaret putt yer hands doon.
9.31 - +5 til Peter - Endorsin' somethin' Margaret says, watch yer back love.
9.33 - +5 Gerry, mmmmm, loves Martin - so courageous.
9.34 - -5 Reg - wanting the army back
9.35 - -5 Gerry - not wanting them back
9.35 - +5 Reg - "sweeping under the carpet."
9.37 - +10 Peter - jaipurs he made a bit of sense on the army. Very odd
9.38 - -10 Gerrry - should sue Peter for saying he's in the IRA live on TV.
9.40 - Margaret +5 cliche points - "young people at the doors telling me"
9.40 - not sure who gets points here - Gerry says don't vote UCUNF, which Unionist shud they vote for ah wunner. An edorsement frae Gerry hardly gaes doon well in Ballymena.
9.42 - Whit is a policin' protocol? Nae wurry, at laist there are some.

Electoral Pacts

-40 points til the three questioners - all the same really.

9.44 - Peter - +5, "no apology til make" shud hiv give him points fur thy'on before, fur he his made nae apology oan several occasions already
9.45 - -5 Gerry "Orange midwife" -5 "young mother" again.
9.46 - -5 Reg "moving forward" ah am sick o' moving forward. Wud quite like til stan still fur a bit.
9.48 - Margaret - +10 Margaret - saying something I agree with, but -5 for lookin' confused.
9.49 - Ah am goin' til the toilet.
9.51 - Back, didnae wash me hands or anythin', minor splashin'
9.52 - -5 Gerry, aye, we knae she is a yung woman in Fermanagh
9.53 - -10 til Peter - utter contradiction in wantin' a pact in S Belfast til get a Unionist in after sayin' the reason fur havin yin in Fermanagh was about representation, nat Unionism.
9.54 - +10 til Sir Reg fur the infurmation that S Belfast is 53% wimmin, guid advice Reg, might move til there. Ah reckon its all those wee cuddies at Stran

Summin up bit

9.55 - Sick of this. Goantae git a beer.

Final Scores.

Ritchie - 60
Gerry - -10
Peter - -5
Reginald - 33

(all addin' up subject til beer)

A clear winner in Margaret "the hands" Ritchie. Reginald performs well despite saddlin' hissel with a pompous arse o' a laider, Gerry makes a few things up an' Peter luks smug but is, in the heels o' the hunt, as bent as Elton.

Bate that Belfawst Tele, ma review is oor well befair yer ain.

Election Update

2010-05-02T18:46:00.000+01:00

Ah bought the paper taeday especially sae ah cud update yis, but there's nathin' aboot the election in it. Sorry.

Exlusive - New TUV election broadcast

2010-04-30T16:36:00.004+01:00

Well if the odd Alliance folk can make an election broadcast for the unner-fives, sae can the TUV............

GoAnimate.com: TUV Broadcast by 1690anallthon

Like it? Create your own at GoAnimate.com. It's free and fun!

First time ah've tried thy'on thing. It his potential.
Music's a bit odd, but there ye go.

Odd Alliance Folk

2010-04-30T00:03:00.000+01:00

Ah thunk ye hid til be 18 til vote, but the Alliance appears tae be targettin' the unner fives.