Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Iris Robinson - A half arsed tribute

The wurld shud note that ah hiv nat passed oany comments oan Iris but ah kin noo revail thit it wisnae ma fault. Ah fur yin saw nathin' in her previous political coments which indicated that somethin micht be wrang, but there ye gae.

Ah wus tryin' til think o' wurds til express ma sadness at her retirement, but cudn't. Oan the bright side, ah unveil oor new pin up. Michelle McIlveen......

Luk how her coat matches her fleg. Ah love her.

Thursday, 24 December 2009

1690 Review o' the Year

Ah hiv made a thing. Ah was quite pished when ah made it, sae apologies fur that. Ah think ye need tae click on it a couple o' times.

Happy Christenmas an' all thon......

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Christmas Piece

Unusually Sammy Wilson an' Catriona Ruane hiv decided fur tae issue a joint Christenmas card the year, yin wha depicts them exchangin' cultural items. Ah thunk yis micht like til see it. Sammy's puttin oan weicht ah reckon.

Pure Dead Brilliant Christenmas Gifts......

Bout ye......

Sunday, 13 December 2009

Ulster Scots of the Decade

Ah hadnae realised we were fur comin' til the end o' a decade, but then ah noticed thit awl the papers are reviewin' the nochties, an' ah thunk ah shud dae likewise. The rise o' the DUP tae power o'er the last decade mains thit they feature richt an' heavy.

10. Barrack Obama.

As explained a while ago, Barack Obama his gat Ulster Scots roots. Burstin' oantil the scene in late 2008 he thus is able fur til gain a place in oor top ten folk. His place wus unner threat frae Thierry Henry, who almaist sneaked in fur services rendered til Ulster Scots who want til watch the wurld cup wi'oot boys in thar wurk bein' smug. Howiver winning the Noble Peace Prize fur Peace wi'oot daein bugger awl proved thit he's a boy til be reckoned on.

9. Iris Robinson

Iris cud be in this list oan loveliness alone, but she is awarded place nummer 9 fur her general kindness, goodness of hart and Christian charity. That an' her work buildin' bridges wi' the gays. Howiver Iris hid better watch hersel o'er the next decade, fur thy'on Michelle McIlveen is a richt lukker an' holds equally attractive political views.

8. Me

Professor Billy McWilliams ris frae hummle roots fernenst Lisnaffify til become the wurlds fowermaist Ulster Scots cultural commentator in the north Tyrone region. Whilst he has his detractors, Mrs McWilliams, yer yin wha wrote in til complain til the paper, the Pope an' the o'er yin wha wrote intil the paper, there can be nae doubtin' his influence in high level Ulster Scots circulars. This despite a chronic addiction til Sausage Rolls an' the fact thit he has til spen' a lot o' his time batin' weemin aff wi' a stick.

7. Ian Paisley Junior

The Reverend Dr Big Ian Paisley may hiv grabbed maist o' the heidlines o'er the last 138 years, but Ian Junior his bin wurkin' away quietly in the background. O'er the last wheen o' years yung Ian his overcome chronic disadvantages, a basic lack of intelligence, poor family connections, nae financial accumen an' a face like a depressed horse til become yin o' Ulster's favourite an' maist respected MLAs. Ah think.

6. Jordan/Katie Price.

Yis didnae knae she wus an Ulster Scot did yis? Well she is, an' she's wile famous sae ah've included her fur that rasion alone, nat because it gave me an excuse fur til luk up images of her oan the interweb. In this picture she appears til hiv twa boys frae ma wurk stuffed doon her dress. There were better photys but Mrs McWilliams micht luk at this.

5. Paul Berry

Rememmer him? He had a wile bad sports injury an' went fur a massage. Sae whit? Disgracefully treated by the media on account o' his injury, he wus bate aff in the election an vanished. In dae'in sae he did us all a great service, revailin' as he did the anti-Unionist bias o' the newpaper folk in this country. As such he remains an icon tae folk like messel, determined fur til bring balance an' dacency back til the media.

4. Christine Bleakley

The voice o' the Ulster Scot oan the BBC, Christine is knain an' loved by awl fur her infectious laughter an' in depth interviewin' techniques on the "Yin Show". This is officially the gratest television o' awl time, mainly because o' Christine. Ivrything ah've learned in the wurld came aff the Yin Show, apart frae ma intensive knowledge o' sexual techniques, which ah learned aff the "Busty Ballymena" an' similar gentlemen's websites. Christine is the nummer yin pin-up in the McWilliams household, or at laist in ma shed. Fur it has a key, an' Mrs McWilliams cannae get intil it wi'oot knockin'.

3. Tiger Woods

As wi' Jordan yis micht nat be aware o' his Ulster Scotsness, but apparently he has just aboot every race in the wurld in thar somewair an' the chances are we're involved. Thit an' the fact that ah went til school wi' a boy called Woods, an he wus frae Lurgan sae it maist be true. Like Paul Berry, he is bein' unduly criticised by a pro-Republican media, fur a crime he micht nat hiv committed. Ah dinnae raid the papers much, but wiv all driv intil things roun' oor hooses an' we havenae been hauled o'er the coals like Tiger. Mrs McWilliams driv intil me yince, an' ah hid til smash the car windae wi' a cricket bat, but she was drunk at the time. Sae wus ah mine you. We had a quare laugh after.
Oh aye, an' he's richt an' handy at the Golf, which wus invented in Scotland, sae he makes nummer 3, nathin tae dae wi' the fact thit ah'm runnin' out o' ideas.

2. Dr Wullie McIlveen

Controversial international archaeologist, writer, cattle rustler, banjo player an' film director (dirty), Dr Wullie McIlveen is the "power behine the throne" fur arselves here oan 1690. Although he his been less prolific in his writings of late, the auther of "Stains ah hiv hoked oot" an' "Celtics ma Arse" has remained busy. He is currently engaged oan a script fur a new film aboot the hunger strikes. Intended as a reposte til yer artist boy's film "Hunger" it is essentially a revisionist view of the period, unner the wurkin' title "Cud ye gae a Chicken Supper."

1. Sammy Wilson.

Who else cud it be? Former school teacher, nudey fella, comedy turn at Party conferences an' general awl roun' polymath, Sammy has harnessed his knowledge o' the wurld o' Science tae become the wurld's tap expert oan climate nat changin'. When Sammy speaks, wurld laiders listen. Heid yin Peter Robinson recognised Sammy's genius, an' the high level o' repect in which he is held, an' promoted him fur til be in charge o' awl oor money. Sammy is nat afraid tae make difficult decisions, swinging his axe aboot like he wus runnin' oan a French beach. With his fair minded attitude, political maturity an' three different jobs til dae, it is guid tae know that Sammy is there tae guide us through these troubled financial times. Truely a mawn til reflect oor times, a decade in which lack of talent is nae barrier til bein' in charge o' wile important things.

Thursday, 10 December 2009

Nathin' as usual

Bein' busy wi' ma wurk thing, an interactive exhibition designed fur til explore the anals o' the Ulster Scot, ah hivnae time fur an update. In such circumstances ah usually fall back oan a quick trawl in the wurld o' the media.

At yinst ah wus interested in this......


Ah knae yin thing, ah've yit til git oany money aff them, useless bastards, but it isnae the story o' the week, fur this is.........


Now growin' up in the seventies, ah hiv a deep seated fondness fur Mr Shakey, but if ye wur truely lukkin' fame wud ye really git a job fur a Ballymena paper an' try an' get a snap o' Shakin' Stevens? Ah think not, yid be after an exclusive shot fur the Newtownards Chronicle o' Iris Robinson wi' her tap aff ah'd say. Ah hiv sevral in ma private collection, if yer interested.

Finally ah foun' this yin fur wee Davy in the office...



Naid yer help this time, nat sure whit til spen' ma fiver oan.

Saturday, 5 December 2009

Christenmas Decorations

Wurkin oan some special decorations fur tae make the true Ulster Scots tree. if ye print them oantil cardboord they jist micht wurk.

Nummer Yin:
Why buther wi' Canny Sticks, hing bawnsticks the year.....

Nummer Twa:
Furget Ho, Ho, Ho; lets hiv a bit o' festive No, No, No!

Gentleman Jim Allister gits intae the Christenmas Spirit.

Nummer Thrie:
An yin o' his elfs.

Micht think oan a few more, but ah hiv a feelin that ah willnae. Ah hiv a star somewair ah think.

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

American Presidents: Part Yin


Afore ah start, ah must apologyise fur a chronic lack o' posts an', by extension, Ulster Scots education o' late. Aside frae a calender ah've done ballick awl, an this is awl attributed fur til wurk. Ah hate the existence o' wurk, but hiv yit tae fine someyin daft enough fur tae pay me til screed shite in Ulster Scots. Here's fur hopin'. Thus taenicht ah trawled ma half writ things an' discovered thit in yin o' ma mair drunken moments ah decided fur til embark oan a histry o' American type Presidents frae the wurld o' Americae. Thy'on'll haf til dae fur the noo.

American President Nummer 1: Gearge Washingtin

Yin thing the Free State Folk cannae take away frae the Ulster Scot is thit we invented Americae. Ivrythin' aboot Americae came frae here, we foun'ed awl its states, wun awl its wars, grew awl its fuid, invened maist o' its things an' bred maist o' its laiders. In fak jist aboot everythin excep' Vietnam an' John F Kennedy (who nat oany near as so started a wurld war but gat hissel shat oan by a librarian) kin be put doon tae the Ulster Scot. Thus taenict we unveil a braw new segment in 1690: USA - Ulster Scots o' Americae. Ah've set messel up tae prove thit ivry single American President came frae Ulster Scots stock (excep' JFK fur obvious raisons) sae taenicht we begin wi'......

Part Ah: President Gearge Washingtin

"Washingtin?" yis cry, surely he wus Inglis, in fak, isnae thar an Inglis toon by that very name! How kin ye passibly wurk oot thit he wis an' Ulster Scot" Usin the power o' lateral thinkin', an' Guinness, ah hiv bin formulatin proof......

  • Maybes thar is a Washingtin in Ingland, ah say, but thar is alsae a "Washing Bay" near til Cookstown. Ah've niver bin thar, but the name always struck me as odd. Wis it, perchance, some kindae strange place where by yid wash a truck oor a tractor? Sae a googled it (jist noo oan the hoof) an it turns oot thait it is a real place. Ah further researched an' foun' oot thit Bay is an ancient Ulster Scots wurd mainin' "Heavy Weicht". Perhaps as heavy as a ton? Makin Washington*
  • Washingtin famously said "If defeated everywhere else, I will make my stand for liberty among the Scots-Irish in my native Virginia". Whit is oft left oot o' the quote is "by which ah main' Ulster Scots, nat the o'er sort, in case yid git mixed up".
  • The hole constitution wis writ by boys frae here. The original preamble o' the furst draft raid....... "We the Folk of the United States, in Order til farm a mair perfec' Union, establish Justice, ensure domestic pace, provide fur the commun defence, promote the genral Welfair, an' secure the Blessins o' Liberty til arseselves and oor Posteriors, dis ordain an' establish thy'on auld Constitution fur the United States o' Americae, so we do."
  • Apparently it wis oany by the intervention o' yin o' the German delegates thit they drapped "Ye boy ye" frae the preamble. They evetually agreed fur til use Inglis, rather thin Nazi, as their Language. This is an oft furgat compromise, fur maist o' the constitutional convention boys stuck "Portavogie Scots" in the box fur langwidge o' choice.
  • This picture, ah hope, will dispel any lingerin' doubts aboot Gearge's Ulster Scots Ancestry, crossin' thy'on river wi' his fleg helt high. Ye kin almaist here him call oot "'Bout ye Inglis folk! Nae Surrender til yis!"

* This bit micht be made up**

** In fak iverythin' is maist likely made up, but ah'm nat sure, fur ma research is hardly whit yid cawl, extension.

Sunday, 22 November 2009

Ulster Scots Calender 2010

Ah hiv bin fur makin a Christmas gift fur aw' oor loyal raiders.

Ye kin print it an everythin.

Ah hope it wurked.......

Click to play this Smilebox calendar:

Thursday, 19 November 2009

Fact Findin' Toor o' the Ards: Bit Thrie


Taenicht oan oor fact findin' toor we look at the capital o' the greater south aist Ards region, an' future UK City o' Culture, Ballyhalbert itsell. We hiv actually lukked at a few o' the attractions o' this settlement afore, but this time ah hiv driv doon til the Ards fur til take photas messel. This is actually quite a dangerous pursuit, fur anyyin hangin' aroun' ootside public toilets an' wain's playparks wi' a camera is likely fur til git a kickin',  but luckily ah wus able fur til secrete messel like some kindae Privite Defective. This shud gae some way tae explainin' the unusual angles an' general low picture quality.
Rememberin' the key criterions fur successful cultural status, toilets, Orange Halls, swings an' o'er things, we first luk at.....

Playpark Provision.

This time ah furgat tae take a picture o' the swings, but tae make up fur it ah gie yis the swings at Cloughey....

Thesuns hiv the unusual added danger o' fair chance o' the swingin' wain blowin' intil the sea, nat stappin til the Isle o' Men.

Orange Halls:

Oany a wee yin in Ballyhalbert, but sufficient fur both the meetin' in an' the signin' o' Ulster Covenants (when the naid arises, last time wus 1912.)

Public toilets provision:

These are somewhat inadequately placed, bein' doon by the harbour rather than in the village itself, slightly inconvenient if yer caught short at the Mace. When I called, there was a BT van workin' oan the wires, which proves that Ballyhalbert his at laist yin phone, albeit possibly in the public toilets.

The toilets themselves hiv a guid flush action, sufficient tae sink a veda loaf. When ah wus there they hid enough toilet roll fur sevral wipes, though this cannae be guaranteed til ivry user, accordin' til the wee cuddy at the council, when ah rang til check.

Provision o' o'er things.

As yid expect, Ballyhalbert his a range o' o'er things, awl o' which place it firmly oan the international cultural an' tourist map.

An international hoverport

Essential fur bringin' in foreigners fur the local folk tae welcome.

Some Flegs

Fur til decorate the place an' make visiters aware o' when til keep their mouth shut. Sorry about the poor photae quality, ah tuk it through the windae o' the motor.

A shap that sells everythin'
Cultural visiters will hiv nae buther daein' the lottery, buyin' fags or tappin up their phones, if they hid any mobile signal fur til use them.

Some Sheep.

Fur lukkin' at an' maybes strokin', if ye kin git close enough. Thesuns are in the distance. But they are sheep.


We hivnae hid a pole in ages. Ah cannae think oan any. Suggestions please.......

Friday, 13 November 2009

1690's guide tae Wurld Religins

As usual ah hiv somethin' til say afore ah begin the main diatribe, this time aimed at Rosie frae the Plum who his escreeded til me tae complain aboot a lack o' topical political postin' here oan the blog. Thrie points Rosie:
Yin: Nathin changes - themuns argue wi' ooruns etc etc etc.
Twa: Mafia Wars
Thrie: Cannae be arsed.


Howiver the wurld o' religins his bin takin by storm by somethin' involvin' the Pope an' the Archbishop o' Canterbury. Ah hivnae takin' much notice, bein' a Bible believin' fundamentiaslist ah am better than ivrybudy else.  Wi' thy'on in mind ah accidentally did a "knae yer bible" quiz oan the facebuk thing, oan which ah scored surprisinly high (fur ah'm half pished). Thy'on gat me tae thinkin' oan how much ma raiders truely knae aboot the various wurld faiths? Nat much, ah'd imagine, especially since some o' them micht be Americans or, indaid, the o'er sort. Thus ah bring ye ma personal guide til the religins o' the wurld.

Yin: Muslims an' Jews

Nat normally lumped taegither, but boun' by a common thread - lack o' bacon. Fur gawds sake. An they tend fur til live in hat places an' be quite angry. About everything. Whit we here at 1690 say is "Wise up Muslims an' Jews, luk at whit unites ye, nat whit divides yis." Aside frae bacon ah'm nat sure whit thy'on micht be, a fondness fur crossness maybe.

Twa: Buddism

Ah think they do Karma. This is o' coorse, the ancient philosophy o' Swings an' Roundabouts, as invented in the Portavogie playpark aroun' 235 BC. There is oany yin problem wi' this philosophy, Sammy Wilson.

Thrie: Presbyterianism

Presbyterians believe that everybody else is wrong and they are right. Ye kin be a Woman pastor but nat a Gay. Nat sure why, fur both will talk aboot shoes.The bible ends at the Old Testament

Fower: Anglican

Anglicans believe that everybody else is right an that they are required to cry about it and apologise. The bible begins at the New Testament. They think its OK fur ye tae be Gay oor a Woman an' still be a pastor. Except lots of them don't believe thy'on sae they're bucked.

Five: the o'er surt

Roman Catholics believe that everybody else is wrong an' they are right, an' are therefore entitled tae crab oan aboot it an' stap folk hivin' sex. The bible begins after the New Testament, wheniver they started makin' stuff up. There is nae danger o' wimmin gittin' til be their pastors, an' there are absolutely nae Gay yins. They alsae like tae try an get the maist mental Anglican tae join them,

Sax: Shintoism

Nae idea. Micht involve ancestors.

Sevin: Free Prebyterianism.

Thank god fur yin sensible church.

Thursday, 5 November 2009

Fact Findin' Tour o' the Aist Ards region: Bit Twa

As Wee Daftie correctly pointed oot in oor Hoke Oot column in the side bit, there his indaid bin a chronic lack o' postin' o' late. This is, howiver, nathin' til dae wi' Mafia Wars, it is doon til ma jet set lifestyle laidin' til a shortage o' interweb access. Ah kin hardly update the blog in ma wurk, fur nat oany micht ah be caucht at it by herrsel, ah'd be hard pushed tae drink the required amount o' mental lubrication wi'oot bein' spatted.

Thus it is nat til taenicht thit ah bring yis Bit Twa o' ma fact findin' report frae the Ards. Last time we lukked at Ballywalter, taenicht we skip oot Ballyhalbert itself, an' hap doon til Portavogie. Whit daes the Sandy Row o' the Ards bring til the City o' Culture table?


Provision o' Swings.

Wait til yis see this: Portavogie his nat yin, bit twa sets o' swings, providin' ample opportunity fur wains til fall frae grate heichts. Ah'm nat sure why there is twa sets o' swings, fur there nae distance frae eacho'er, a kin oany assume some kind o' Playpark related vote catching by the council, though the under sixes canny vote (usually.)

Swings yin: Note large grass area, guid toilet access.

Swings Twa: Less stuff, an' apparently fur smaller wains. Quite handy fur the Chinese if yer hungry.

Provision o' toilets:
A guid unit, convenient til both swings, carpark an' grass.

Provision o' Orange Halls:
Ah furgat tae take a photae, but, as yid expect, there is yin.

Provision o' o'er things:

Portavogie is comin' doon wi' o'er things, essential fur oany Cultural Bid:

Public Art: Portavogie is rich in public art. Yung folk are encouraged fur tae express thar innermaist feelings, regardless o' talent, givin' the village some o' the finest array o' painted things in Ulster. This includes madurn art, whereby the thing painted bears oany a passin' resemblence til whit its meant til be. In the example belaw ah think its meant til be a hand.

The artistic community o' Portavogie hiv taken an unusual luk at traditional artisitic crafts, deconstructing the wall murial til revail it in a new form - the road murial. This requires less ladders, fur its wile windy. There are no grey kerbs in Portavogie.

Guest Hoose accomodation:

The aforementioned Wong's Royalle, Chinese takeaway come traditional guest hoose.

Friendly Taxi Folk.

Ah noticed this sign in a taxi windae by the Mace. He disnae mean it, fur ah did a small poo on the bonnet an' he niver even noticed.

Saturday, 31 October 2009

Ballyhalbert - Fact Findin' Tour

Ballix - fur ah hid a whole screed writ then pressed the wrong button oan the machine an it all went. Suffice tae say ah hiv bin sent oan a fak findin' mission til the aist Ards region, allowin' me til fully demonstrate the cutural diversity o' this area. Ballyhalbert cannae stand alone, it naids the support o' its greater hinterland if it is tae rise above fancy places in England.

As such ah hiv bin funded by the Europe fur til clock up in the Ards holdin' high level meetins wi' a diverse range o' opinion farmers an' stakehaulers. Ah hiv bin put up in some o' the regions' finest caravan parks, an' been wineded an' dineded in atin' hooses as diverse as Joes Hat Spat o' Portaferry an' Wongs Royale, Portavogie. (The latter wis a delivery, an' it wis rank, swimmin.) This may soun' like some kine o' half arsed junket fur high falutin' academic folk like messel, but actually it come frae a long sighted (Europe Funded) internationally recognised series o' drinkin' sessions designed fur til wurk oot wha things shud be used tae promote the Ballyhalbert campaign. These symposiums came tae the conlusion thit there are fower key cultural things thit shud be used fur til judge oor cultural possibilities.

These are:
  • Provision o' Swings - fur tae keep the wains occupied when ye luk at plays
  • Provision o' toilet facilites - fur til prevent accidents due tae lack o' toilet facilities.
  • Provision o' Orange Halls - fur til haul cultural extravagazas in.
  • Provision o' o''er things - in case we missed anythin'.
The Cultural phenomena thit is the Aist Ards Region is tae much fur yin Blog bit, sae taenicht ah am oany goantae giv ye the wurd oan......



Founded in 1234 by Lord John de Walter, the Ballywalter swings hiv provided minutes o' fun for wains since aboot then. If ye luk closely in the backgroun' yi'll see a pair o' Ulster's finest tennis coorts, makin' a 2015 international tournament fur tennis folk vaguely passible.


These are potentially the highest tech toilets oan the Ards, fur ye hiv tae pay intae them. Ah didnae luk inside, fur it wud hiv cost me, an' they appeared til be broke.

Orange Hall.

Quite good, but blue.

Other things:

Ballywalter his its very ain DUP advice centre, situated conveniently fernenst a Barbers. Ah tuk a scoot in fur a luksee an' wis advised fur til git a short back an' sides an' nat talk til Fenians.

Nixt Time, Ballyhalbert itsell.

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

The Pope

What the Hell is he at?


Is he short o' auld fashioned men who dress up in weemen's clothes oor whit? Ivry time the Anglicans hiv a ficht o'er Libralism, be it wimmin oor Gays, whichiver auld boy is currently wearing the wicht hat steps in an offers a hame fur the richt wing nutters wha cannae cope wi it. Ah fur yin will be escreedin' til the Pope (Pope@15thcentury.co.ck) fur til tell him thit he micht git the Anglicans, but he'll niver take oor Free Presbyterians. Even though they mostly agree wi' him.

Incidentally ye kin git hold o' them at UsedtaebePaisleybutnowwedinnaeknowwho'sincharge@Ballymena.arse *

*email addresses may be made up.

Monday, 19 October 2009

Ballyhalbert, a heartfelt tributary.

Arts an' Culture.

Normally ah screed this brock messel, but the nicht ah give the Blog o'er til a special poem writ in support o' the Ballyhalbert Facebuk Campaign............


Oh Ballyhalbert, you were ever so boring
You had no pubs and your folk were quite queer
But now you just rock, because of the whoring
That goes on most evenings down at the pier

Took a dander one night, ‘long your fine fetid beach
Amongst the big rocks and the old used condom
Thought to myself, there’s a lesson here to teach
About flipping the bird to the guys in London

What better place tell me, can showcase the UK?
When it's not about football, nor Blair, nor John Major
And it's not about artfests, nor culture, nor pay
Cos it's more about smack and our pregnant teenagers

So let’s do this now, and do it for the locals
Who've suffered so long, and suffered enough
We've had our fair fill of watching the yokels
Star in their movies, that are verging on snuff

It's time for you now to take up your place
Not always a King, but a consort - Prince Albert!
Leave your sisters alone, and get into the race
And put on the map your fine Ballyhalbert

The fine wurds o' Crawford..........

Genius ah'm sure yi'll agree. Git oantae it publicity mawn..........

Thursday, 15 October 2009

Ballyhalbert an' the decline o' Western Civilization


There are thosuns oot thar in the Inglis establishment thit micht hiv furgat thit Ballyhalbert is in the runnin' fur UK City o' Culture but the campaign continues. Oor Facebuk drive his bin sae successful thit we hiv run oot o' afficers positions fur til giv oot, sae frae here oan new memmers will hiv tae make dae wi' memmership as opposed til afficership. Unless ah sack some folk, which ah micht.

Made up Celebrities.

The yinst yin til be sacked will maist likely be Nicholas Cage. Ah hiv tae admit thit thar wis nae finer mawn fur the part o' an innocent ex-con in thy'on film aboot an innocent ex-con oan a plane, but ah cannae believe thit he is truely takin' oor campaign seriously. Free the great Panda is the kindae thing themuns git intae, ah reckon he's taken the hawn. Oan the aither hawn, Paddy Kielty's his signed up an' ah'm sure he'll admit his career his bin oan the slide since thy'on nuddy thing he did oan the island, sae any auld publicity he kin git is prabably beneficial. Thanks fur yer endorsement Paddy......

Attractions o' Ballyhalbert.

Ah furgat tae put up the picture o' the "Nat Leanin Tower o' Ballyhalbert" sae ah hiv noo.

Newsflash - Belfast hiv chickened oot. £1million my arse, ah've spent £3.50 sae far.


Decline o' Western Civilization

Ah watched the news taenicht. In it, the wife o' the First Minister accused the Health Secretary o' the First Minister's executive o' lyin'. He in turn suggested thit the First Minister shud git his finger oot an' sort things oot wi' the Prime Minister.* The Deputy First Minister's party hiv claimed £2 million frae us fur til pay til thar affices, but maist o' it went til the his Party accounts. This is all normal, says the Deputy First Minister's party colleague, the Minister for Regional Development. Regions, nae doubt, includin' the yin immedietly aroun' his affice. In his party's defence he said thit, unlike his First Minister's party, they wernae tae intae imployin' family memmers an thit ivryyin wus imployed oan merit. Fair enough, but ah wud wunner how well the McBride Principles wurk in thy'on neck o' the woods. Elsewhere somebody stuck a big bumb ootside Clady in the name o' the Irish Republic, thus blackin' a prime smugglin route.

Ah'm gittin' sick o' this brock. Frae the noo, this blog will support an all Ireland 34 County, Unionist Socialist Republic o' Ireland run by me. Or Jim Allister. Which wud be wurse?

*Nae link til thit, bizarrely.

Friday, 9 October 2009

No Bell Piece Prize

It wis with a sense o' shack thit ah woke up this mornin' til Wee Billy tellin' me thit messel an' (clearly til a lesser extent) the rest o' the 1690 affice hiv bin awardeded the No Bell Piece Prize fur Peace. Nat yin person ah knae wus aware thit this micht happen,  nat even oor internationally reknowned Ulster Scots intelligence services. Apparently the prize his bin giv nat sae much fur whit ah hiv achieved, but fur whit micht ah micht git roun' til wi' messel in a position o' power. This micht be true, fur since the affset ah hiv said thit the o'er surt arnae tae bad. If ye kin kaip yer distance it micht be passible fur us all til live peaceibly in the yin country.

Ah hiv til admit thit a true Ulster Scot like messel pointin' oot the obvious physical (if nat mental) attractions o' Husky Catriona is a step forward in the wurld o' peace, but ne'ertheless there are insurmountable obstacles yit fur til be surmounted. Whilst ah am happy fur til accept the award, an the check thit gaes wi' it, oan behalf o' the braid Ulster Scots Academic Community, ah wud like fur til point oot thit there is manies a hurdle til gae under afore we kin truely say we like the o'er surt.

At this point ah wud like fur til thank a few folk.
Yin: Mrs McWilliams, fur holdin' back on the divorce papers an' Wullie an' WJ McIlveen fur thar continual fictionalness.
Twa: Wee Polly fur her durty photos, Rosie frae the Plum fur her ability til react appropriately, Manuel, Fattie an' the Auld boy fur thar bizarre contributions, an'
Thrie: John fur dealin' wi' objections frae Germany an' the three wees fur thar support in the affice.

But its ma check frae the peace folk an' ah will maist likely spend it oan beer.

Thursday, 8 October 2009

Bit the Twelfth, Vikings (an Facebuk)


Ah hivnae done oany histry fur at laist a lock o posts, mainly due tae the sudden emergence o' important campaigns such as Ulster Scots Google an' Ballyhalbert: UK City o' Culture. These things are awl very well, but distract us frae oor European funded raison detter -  fur til expose the world til the Ulster Scot an' his bizarre an' complicated histry. Howiver ah hiv til admit thit yin o' the main raisons fur ma lack o' quality postin' his bin a new foun' addiction til facebuk, a prablem enduced by ma naid fur til create a group fur the UK City o' Culture Campaign.

Facebuk is Evil.

Ye start aff wi' a wee campaign, make a few new friends,  an' afore ye know it yer intil Mafia Wars. Ye git friends yiv niver heared oan, some wi' names o' nae Ulster Scots derivation. Nixt thing ah knaw ah'm sae despert fur Mafia Wars folk thit ah've accidentally become friends wi' a porn site. Nat some kindae half clean porn site ah'll add - nat like Busty Ballymena. Nae sooner hid ah said "Aye" til the gurl claimin' fur til be ma Mafia Wars cohort thin she wis offerin' me things ah hidnae even heared oan afore. In the name o' the Laird, why wud ye want til dae some o' thy'on things, they're all boun' fur til be sore fur someyin o' o'er involved. Ah deleted her straight aff, afore Mrs McWilliams lukked in. Pure filth.*

Aside frae thy'on......

Bit the Twelfth: The Vikings.

Ah'm fur laivin' behine Christianity, mainly due til confusion oan ma ain part. In part Elevin: Bits yin an' twa we gat tantilisinly close til uncoverin' how Christianity wus brung til Ulster by Presbyterians, afore ah gat totally lost in a Da Vinci code type struggle an' entranced by Mafia Wars. Thus fur the noo we move oantil the nixt big thing til hit oor shores, the Vikings. Thesuns are some o' the maist controversial folk iver til dander aboot oor land. Oan the yin hawn they raped an' pillaged, generally considered til be bad things, but oan the aither they made beautiful things oot o' the stuff they pillaged, an' the chances are their illegitmate offspring were taller than maist. Howiver, in the context o' oor Ulster Scots histry oany yin question is o' oany importance......

Vikings: Which fut did they steal slaves wi'?

Evidence fur them stealin' wives wi' the left fut.......
  • Whenst here, they mainly hung aboot the Free State - Wexford, Waterford, Carlingford and, indaid, Dublin. The Free State is, as we all knae, where the o'er sort like til be. Unless thar interferin' up here.
  • They hid a wile habit o' burnin' the churches an' settlements o' the early Christian Folk. As his bin almost conclusively proved in earlier installments, these were Presbyterian Ulster Scots.
  • They invented surnames like MacManus, Siegerson (as in the GAA cup), Reynolds (nat the car - as in Albert) an McCafferty (as in Nell). Nain o' these are Ulster Scots names.**
  • They were heathens
  • They had horns.
Evidence fur them stealin' the o'er surts wives.
  • An o'er name fur them is Norsemen, meanin' they were frae the north. The North is, as we shud all knae, were guid things come frae.
  • They alsae hung aboot Strangford, which is fernenst the Ards Penisnula, sacred hame til the Ulster Scot.
  • They hid names like McAuley, Hammond an' McKeever, nat yins unknain among the Ulster Scot.**
  • They hid a base at Larne - an' run Ferries.
  • They were heathens
  • They were tall an' guid lukkin.

Ah dinnae knaw - ah'll laive it til a vote. Nixt histry time it'll be aisier, fur wur dae'in the Anglo-Normans, an' they wur definitely the o'er sort, an' Inglis.

* Pure Filth Mafia Wars may be, but if yer playin' it gie me a shout fur ah naid fur til build ma crew....

** All names proof is knuk aff a BBC thing, sae dinnae blame me.

Saturday, 3 October 2009

An Lo........(agin)*

Buk o' Nichts Oot

Chapter Yin

Verse Yin.

An Lo.......

The 1690 affice folk didst gae oot fur a drink last nicht, a nicht wha eventually resulted in the Heid Yin feelin' like he'd bin snuck up oan by a gang o' badgers an' lept oan, the wee stripey buggers scratchin his very brain wi thar big diggin' claws.

Verse twa....

It bein' the feast o' the Friday the Heid Yin didst declare thit a celebration wis necessary, yin involvin' the consumption o' miraculous liquids. Thus he gathered taegither the thrie "Wees" - Davy, Patsy an' Daftie -  an' led them intil the East, where they didst fine alcohol.  After a wheen o' minutes they were joint by the sacred litter picker, wha' didst drink wine, whilst lukkin' slightly bemused.

Verse Thrie....

An the Heid Yin didst rise up an' say.." Ma brother hast a hoose nat far frae here. Let us proceed til there an' fine chaper methods o' drinkin'." The folk didst fally the Heid Yin, an' he led them til the promised lawnd. Thar they foun' awl manner o' liquids, which they didst drink oan heartily. But the folk didst grae restless.... "We arest hungry, Heid Yin," they cried, "Fur whit shall ye dae til fulfill oor naids?" "Fear nat," sayeth the Heid Yin, "Fur ah kin turn this telephone intil Pizza simply by pressin' these buttons in a magical order, makin a mawn appear a lock o' minutes later." An thus it came til pass, thit the Heid Yin didst perform the miracle o' the Phone an' the Five Pizzas.

Verse Fower.....

Hivin produced an' consumed o' the fuid the Heid Yin didst perform a second miracle. "Luk" he sayeth, "Patsy claimeth til be Wee, but I shalst fit intil her so-called skinny jeans." An' the Heid Yin didst vanish briefly, afore returnin' lukkin' hat in gurl's troos. "Patsy", saith the Heid Yin, "Until now thou hast bin called Wee, but frae the noo though shalt be called "Big" - this shid nat be construed as insultin' in any way, fur yer arse must be big, if I, a fat bastard, kin wear yer jeans." The Heid Yin didst consider wearin' Big Patsy's Jeans oot, but thunk better of it.***

Verse Five.....

Thus the Heid Yin an' his disciples didst consume a wile lat o' miraculous liquids. They didst drink of the Beer, the Cider, the Champagne, the Poteen, the Unicum**, the Rum, the Whiskey, the Wine, the Peach Schnapps, the Apple Schnapps an' the Coke. Wee Davy didst declare hissel a virgin' an' Wee Daftie an' the Litter Picker didst show far tae much cleavage thin is dacent.

Verse Six....

Ah cannae rememmer whit happened durin' verse six.

Verse Seven....

The Heid Yin didst rise frae the deid an' gae hame, whar upon he didst fall asleep oan the settee.

* "An Lo" equals lazy post fur ah cannae be arsed oan the thinkin', merely givin' yer nicht oot a biblical twist is a bit o' a cop oot.

** Unicum wis a gift frae Hungary ah believe, an' it tastes rattin. It made Wee Daftie very, very drunk.

*** Ah'm waitin' oan the photos, fur ah luk hat tae touch......

Friday, 2 October 2009

Campaign Updates an' Sellin' Motors.

Brock postin' fur ah hiv wurk til dae an' ah'm fur goin' oan the rip the nicht.


Threw nae fault o' oor ain we appear til hiv gat oorselves involved in a nummer o' high profile campaigns in the name o' the Ulster Scots community. Ah'm nat sure, fur a cannae be arsed lukkin' back an' checkin', but ah'm fur thinkin' that at the moment we are laidin' thrie protest movements. There his bin a grate dail o' publicity aroun the Ballyhalbert carry on but at this stage it micht be wurth pausin' fur til bring yis up til spaid wi' developments in the o'er twa.
  • Anti-Free State Google: This campaign is goin' full tilt. Efter screedin' til Google fur til point oot thar lack o' parity o' esteam in creatin' a Gaelic Google thing but nae Ulster Scots, oor braw new sarch ingine -  Hoke Oot - was created til univeral acclaim.* Thus far we hiv ansered 14 queries - thit's 14 thit dindnae gae tae Google. Ah hivnae done the sums, but a reckon if this continues at the present rate o' growth Google will be bankrupt at some point later oan.
  • Git Big Ian oantil the Sir Terry Wogan Breakfastin' show. We escreeded til the BBC bit they hivnae gat back til us. Ah am fur refusin til listin' til Radio Twa until they rectify this anamoly. This limits me til Highland Radio, fur the reception's wile bad roun' here.
* Universal acclaim limited til the Ballymoney area.

Sellin' Motors.

Aulder raiders micht recall thit back in July Mrs McWilliams caused severe damge til the enviroment threw the purchase o' a new motor. As a result we were left wi' her auld yoke, which lay oot the back til the o'er day when ah finally tuk messel til make a effort fur tae git rid o' it. Ah thus moved it roun' the front an' made a "Fur Sale" sign an' stuck it in the front windae.

Normally this wud cause nae grate ructions in oor part o' the country, but unfortunately it coincided wi' the Eighth Annual Artigarvan Supermodels Convention. Now purty gurls thesuns may be, but they entirely miscontrued the message "Fur Sale" an' lit at oor door in huge nummers either fur the protestin' or the purchasin o' pelts. Ah didnae knaw whare til luk fur some o' them wur wearin' next til nathin' an' thar heels cudnae hannle the muck. Howiver as luck wud hiv it we wur able til gid rid o' the motor, fur Kate Moss was oan the luksee fur an auld yoke fur towin' her black faced yos..

Monday, 28 September 2009


Too tired fur a praper update taenicht. For yin thing ah spent a large part o' the day in high level negotiations fur til promote the City o' Culture campaign by gittin' tap international celebrities fur til support Ballyhalbert. Sae far wiv signed up Nelson Mandela, Rabbie Williams, Samuel L Jackson an' Candy Divine.  Aside frae thy'on ah wud encourage yis awl fur til spread the word oan the facebuk thing, an' ah kin noo unveil oor slogan.....

Ballyhalbert 2015: nat as far tae go tae git crabs as Portavogie.

Ah'm nat mad fur it messel, fur ah fear it sends oot the wrang message, but the consensus saimed til lain in the crab direction.


In a strange omen, yin wi' bodes well fur oor campaign, Wee*Patsy in the 1690 Affice got a tea stain in her cup in the shape o' Norn Iron. Ah thunk yis micht like to see it.

*In earlier versions o' this article, the wurd "Big" wus accidentally used instied o' "Wee". After representations frae Patsy, and the treat o' physical violence, the error his bin addressed. Ah apologise fur any affence caused.

Friday, 25 September 2009

Ballyhalbert: UK City o' Culture Bit Thrie


The face buk thing is unnerway an' gatherin' momentum. There is now 36 folk signed up fur til support us. Accordin' til oor statistatics expert at the Larne School o' Economics, ivry yin o' these folk represents at laist 43 o'er folk - fur example wives, pets, reclusive Aunts an' yins wi' nae interweb. Thy'on mains thit there is approximately a clatter o' folk behine oor campaign.

The success o' which kin be judged by the fak thit wur back in the paper. It's still the Tele, fur the Newsletter hisnae tuk us oan yit, but wur gatherin' notice. Ma ambition is fur til be in the Ulster Scot - the suppliament wi' comes wi' the Newletter the odd time - but ye niver knaw when, sae ye niver buy it. Anyhow, ye kin git it fur nathin' the odd place if ye hing aboot lang enough which saves ye frae buyin the paper.

Ballyhalbert Campaign.

Ah've wurked oot whar wiv bin ga'in wrang. In Bit Yin, ah relied tae heavily oan folksy charm. "Luk at us wi' oor hamely tongue an' swings." ah saimed til be sayin. The mistake ah'd made wus fur tae expect thit judges o' a national cultural competition wud awlready hiv bin fully aware o' the exittin' opportunities available in Ballyhalbert. This I will rectify this evenin'.

Yin: Sport.

Ballyhalbert is famous fur the prowess o' its Sportin' Folk. Amung manies a stadium thit lurks in the village is the Alex Higgins Memorial (even though he isnae deid) Velodrome. Ah hiv tae admit thit thy'on is an unusual name fur the hame groun' o' Ballyhalbert Rangers FC (Played 16, Wun 90). This multi-porpose ampitheatre wis originally erected jist before the 3rd Hame Rule Bill as a marshallin' point fur the local Volunteers, but his since his become synonimouse wi' sport in the Aist Ards region.

Twa - Music

Ballyhalbert Accordian hiv wun prizes far an' wide fur both thar music an' genral uniform turnoot. They are well knawn fur bein the best (passibly oany) Blood an' Thunner Accordian Bawnd in the North, except fur the Corbet. Since 1993 their Bawnd Hall his bin gradually expanded frae its original 23 seater capacity. Fur noo it is yin o' the premier audiotoriums knawn til mawn, frequented frequently by musical folk like Pavorotti, Simon the Bon, an' Wullie Drennan.

Thrie: Media

Ballyhalbert Orange Hall is unrecognizable frae the original construction erected in the village in 1326. The current structure, designed by tap German brutalist architect Hans von Fundiment in 1926, is a purposefully built international media centre, replete wi' phones, fax, an' a wireless - perfectly positionin' Ballyhalbert fur til dail wi awl the attention thit micht come its way frae Belfast (if we win.)

Thy'on ill dae fur the nicht, though ah dae hiv a guid picture o' an Art Gallery an' a nat leaning tower.

Pole -

Reg is yer choice fur tap Hen Boy politician, though ah reckon Catriona his the voice. Ah widnae mine seein' whit a Lady Boy Jeffrey D wud luk like. Ma guess is nat thit much differn.  Ah'm stuck fur a pole taenicht, mainly due tae alcohol imperment. Ah micht think oan yin tamarra.

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

Ballyhalbert: UK City o' Culture Part Twa.

Wiv bin rejected, oot o' hand. Based oan some kindae "hivin' mair thin a wheen o' folk" criterion. Ah will come back til this when ah've mair time. Fur the noo ah've bin plottin'.....

Ah'm nat fur stannin' fur thy'on, sae ah hiv tried fur til make somethin' involvin' Facebuk. Ah hiv nae idea how thy'on works, sae if anyyin oot thar kin tell me if ah hiv successfully created a group it micht help.

Ballyhalbert: UK City o' Culture Facebuk thing.

Monday, 21 September 2009

Ballyhalbert - UK City o' Culture - Part Yin......

As announced the o'er day, 1690 raiders surprisinly voted fur the humble Ards village o' Ballyhalbert as thar namination fur UK City o' Culture.  Ah cud fair detect the gasps o' shack frae amung the sae called "intelligentsia", sittin' up in thar posh Belfast an' Londonderry penthooses, drinkin' foreign things an' shoutin' the odds aboot how grate thar auld places are. Ye kin bet thit hardly yin o' them his sae much as set fut in Ballyhalbert, neverminds spent oany time in the Sandycoves caravan park. As pointed oot in oor escreed til the City o' Culture judges, Belfast an' Londonderry are far frae cultured places, whit wi' awl the wimmin oot shappin' in thar pyjamas. Admittedly Lurgan his made a late surge wi' its demonstrations o' traditional Mid-Ulster customs o'er the weekend, but Ballyhalbert is, wi'oot doubt, the standerd barer fur culture in this Province.


Ah hiv thus begun til put taegither ma' full bid fur Ballyhalbert tae be crowned UK City o' Culture, explorin' the beautiful village wi' its complex histerical past an' artistic present. This is jist a small selection o' whit Ballyhalbert his til offer.

Village Life.

Appearances kin be deceptive. Ballyhalbert may luk like thars nathin much gaein' oan but in fak it is a hotbed o' cultural, artistic an' sportin' endevour. This view o' Ballyhalbert frae the 1950s (appropriately named general view, raither than in depth study) surprisinly shows a young John Lennon (frae the Beetles) at play behind his granmaither's hoose. There are strawberries growin' in the field behine him.


As pointed oot in an earlier instawlment o' this blog, gaein' til the swings is an intrinsic part o' oany Norn Iron Seaside hallyday.This used til involve auld folk sittin' in the wind watchin' yung folk fall aff antiquated, rustin' death traps, but nat in Ballyhalbert, fur it his yin o' the highest tech sets o' swings an' the like oan the Ards. Apart frae swings it contains a variety o' rockin' animals, as well as a tunnel an' a soft falling oan surface. The gate is designed fur tae stap teenagers gettin' in an' wreckin'.

Histeric Monuments.

Londonderry may hiv it Walls an' Guildhall,  Belfast it's City Hall an' Giant Ring, but Ballyhalbert his a plethora of things left o'er frae the last war thit naebudy iver buthered til tumble. Bein' flat, Ballyhalbert wis an ideal spat fur an airbase in the war, an' thus played its ain' small part in defaitin' Hitler, unlike them o'er twa cities. These unique an' picturesque buildins shud be a must luksee fur international visiters. This particular example is used fur community art projects by local wains.

Ulster Scots

Ballyhalbert is at the fowerfront o' the drive til see Ulster Scots established as yin o' the wurlds lingua franka. Nat oany dae maist o' the folk spake it in thar day til day lifes, but awl the signs in the area noo portray the hamely tongue. It is interestin' til note thit the folk o' Ballyhalbert are culturallly accomdodatin'. Although fully aware o' the auld Ulster Scots name o' Talbotstoun, they are happy tae use the mair widely knain (an oan the map) anglicised Irish name - Ballyhalbert. Take note Londonderry folk, nae auld daftness here..

Tap accomodation.

Whichiver city wins this covetted title will require a wile lat o' bed space fur the wurldwide visiters wha will flack til it. Oan this front Ballyhalbert wilnae let yis down. No fewer thin seventy four caravan sites take advantage o' the auld airbases o' the region, providin' beds fur up tae 18,000 summer tourists. Thus as well as takin' in the breathtakin flatness o' Ballyhalbert, oor visiters kin widen thar cutlural horizons, livin' alangside 8 drunk 16 year olds oan a weekend away frae Carrickfergus.

Nixt time we will examine the cultural happinin's o' the place.

Mrs McWilliams

Is nat an attraction in Ballyhalbert, unless shis visitin', but she wus near arrested taeday due tae dissident republican activity. She disnae much like turnin richt oot o' her wurk, sae did her usual manouever o' ga'in left, then swingin' roun' in a layby an' procaidin' hame. Unfortunately she wus spatted by the polis wha assumed thit she wis avoidin' thar checkpoint an' must be carryin' a large amount o' weaponry. It tuk her a wile fur til realise thit the sirens were fur her.
The lesson in this is clear: wimmin - learn fur tae drive richt oor yi'll end up in Long Kesh.


Lukkin interestin'.