Saturday, 3 November 2012

World Police and Pervert Games

After a brief exchange of emails, I can confirm that DCAL are no fun at all. 

Dear Dcal 

As you'll be aware Northern Ireland is due to host the World Police and Fire Olympics next year. This is a momentous event, no doubt, and several of my friends have taken the opportunity to volunteer to work at the games.

"All very good," I hear you say, "for why are you mailing us about it?" Well the thing is, all of the volunteer friends are women, and they arnae exactly in it for the love of sport. Basically they quite fancy men in uniform and so are going along in the hope of getting a coort with a Mountie. 

What's in it for the men I ask ye? Nothing, unless they are the gays, and thus there is a clear breach of the sex discrimination legislation, namely that things shouldn't be provided for one sex and not the other.

However before I take you to the European Court of Sex, I am offering you a chance to redeem yourselves. For some time I have been planning a World Foxy Nurses and French Maids Olympics, and am seeking your support in holding it here, preferably in Banbridge so I can get to it without the Motor and so can have a wee drink. The nurses and French Maids will take part in a variety of events as diverse as the bouncing up and down, syncronised hair shaking, unsupported jogging and, of course, a lovely girls competition.

You will have spotted a flaw in my plan I am sure, namely the numerical advantage he French will hold in the French Maids area. This will be circumvented by allowing other nationalities to include maids, under the STRICT understanding that they wear the correct outfit.

Anyway, I look forward to hearing for you and the receipt of my grant cheque.

Professor Billy McWilliams.

Dear Sir,

Thank-you for your email of 30th October 2012 which has been considered and held on file. There is no facility within the Department for providing grant directly to any organisation. 

Thank you,
2013 Projects Team.