Bit yin - Prehisteric Days.
Twa wurds that have struck fear intae the hearts o' men since aroun' tha dawn o' time. These great bastes roamed Ireland, and Ulster besides, a wheen o' millian years hence*. A lock o' them wur manaters, but oers ate plants, may they are less interestin.
As the mid-1990s documentary Jurasic Park shewed, DINOSAURS!!!!! were savage bastes, roamin in packs an terrorisin' the helpless folk o' remote islands. However there can be nae doot** that their terrorisin' spread as far as oor ain shores.
Thia wus, fur sure, the days befair thar wur folk here in Ulster, so how dae we knaw aboot them? The answer is that people who larn about DINOSAURS!!!! called Palaeontalogits have foun' bits o' them as far an' wide as North and South Antrim, shewin' us that these great bastes once bestrode oor land. The Palaeontalogits have foun' fossils*** - bits o' bone that they hoke oot o' the very rock - that can tell us a great dail aboot the way DINOSAURS!!!! lived thar days, richt down tae the very food they ate and the type o' things they liked tae dae. Mostly they liked til ate.
"But" I hear ye ask, "whit dae DINOSAURS!!!! - fearful as they may be - have tae dae with the Ulster Scots?" A guid question, and wan worth addressin'. The answer can be foun' in new studies carried oot by the Department o' Auld Larnin' at the University o' Mid Antrim. Professor Willie McIlveen has been lukin at the DINOSAURS!!!!! to try as to ascertain wither or nae they were frae Scotland an' cud therefur be described as the first Ulster Scots. His larnin has revealed a couple o' startlin' facts -
Yin: Because at thy'on time Ulster an' the rest o' Ireland was joined ontae the rest o' Britain, they had tae have come frae there, so cannae have been Irish. There was nothin' joined tae Ulster on the ooer side so they cannae have made it frae anywhere else.
Twa: As every wean knows the heid yin o' the DINOSAURS!!!! was called Tyranasoreus Rex. Rex is, of course, auld Greek fur King. This basic fact confirms that the DINOSAURS!!! were monarchists, not republicans, so must have favoured the protestant ways.
Thus the histerical histry o' the Ulster Scot gaes back even fairther than the maist o' us wud imagine til oorselves, and even mair the trueness o' Ulster Scotsness has been proved by scientific larnin'.
Next time - The Caul Snap (oor the Ice Age as sum call it).
*Oor else 4000 years ago, when Ireland wis formed in a flood by Gawd.
** Some doot possible.
*** Fossils may hiv bin put thar by Gawd tae fool men later on.