Befair we get on, ah'll hiv nain o' yer rhetorical questions aboot wair the folk are oor the like. There isnae any folk, but awl will become clear........
Bit Thrie... Furry Bastes..
Thems o' yis wha' were ersed til' read bits yin an' twa will knaw that Ulster was a very differn' place 15000 years hence. The DINOSAURS!!!!! had bin and gawn an' wur fallyed by the Big Caul Snap. Nae bastes were knackin' aboot oor fair shores. That awl changed when the Caul Snap meleted away - lo an behaul Ulster was jointed clean ontil Scotland. The land had ris up between them and anyyin could walk frae Larne 'til Stranraer wi'oot a P&O ferry 'til rip them aff.
This heralded the arrival o' the yinst plants, burds an bastes.
The yinst plants til git here must a' bin fair movers fur they got here befair the bastes. Accordin' til (oor friend) Professor Wullie McIlveen (o' the Dept o' Auld Larnin' etc), Ulster wud hiv bin cuvered in plants - trees, flewrs, shrubs, the lat. Accordin 'til Wullie these plants that tuk o'er efter the Caul Snap are called Native Spices. "So," Ah sez 'til Wullie," whit kine o' plants were knackin' aboot?" "Well," sez he, "thar wud hiv bin Oak trees, Hazel an' Ash, awl gran' trees, bit the best o' them was the Scots Pine." "Whit????" sez I (who cudnae be ersed wi inverted commas anymair). Whit in the name o' the Laird was a Scots Pine dain' in what some wud term "Ireland"? (Ok so ah threw a cuple mair in thair)
Wullie explained that awl the seed that got til "Ireland" had tae cum frae whit we noo call 'o'er the watter' but there wasnae any watter in th'yon days. They must ah spread across a fertile soil, yin which ties the twa nations til this very day. He raisoned that the Ulster Scots claim on this bit o' groun' was verifyed by the fact that the Laird chose tae call yin o' the Native Spices the Scots Pine.
Burds are wile hard boys til place, on account o' the fact they tend til flit aboot the place. Fur example, the Swally lives in Africa a wile lat, but comes here fur his hallidays, which wud hardly make him a native baste. Howiver manys a burd lives here the year roun'. Yin o' these wud be the Rabin. Aiftin associated wi' Christenmas, the Rabin is famous fur his distinctive red breast. This, o' coorse, is the same colour as the Apprentice Boys. Likewise Blackbirds, check oot the 13th at Scarva, an' o' coorse the Great Tits, check oot Stormount. The Greenfinch is best left oot.
Wullie McIlveen has larned frae his studies that it is likely that burds an' plants got here first but that bastes fallyed soon behine. He has pinpointed the yinst baste tae arrive in Ulster as an otter frae Ayrshire, sometime aroond the 5th July 13598 BC. This baste was the yinst o' many tae settle in these parts (planters we may call them,) an soon Ireland was o'ercome wi' bastes - frae Limavady 'til Kilkeel. Archaeologits awl** agree that swiftly efter the otter came wulfs, bears, wilecats an' various oo'er bastes, awl comin' frae Scotland. The yin baste that archaeologits arenae so sure aboot is the pygmy shrew. They reckon that th'yon baste might be Spanish in origin, but agree that he is a crap baste compared til the Ulster Scots yins.
In sendin' the bastes frae Scotland, the guid Laird had layed his claim, an the future of Ulster wid be mapped oot fur centuries tae come.
Nixt time - Folk.
* On the advisin' o' oor soliciters Cash, Orr, Check, Fiddlin' an' Sleekit o' Katesbridge, we hiv deleted the name o' oor previous funders, fur fear they'd sue the erse aff us.
**Not awl agree.