Tuesday 31 May 2011

Ulster Scots Histry o' Ireland - Bit 14.

John Knax wi' beard an' wee buik.
Fallyin' the plethora o' activity that is the election saison, Ah hiv noted the arrival o' a wile lock o' new raiders on this wabsite, directed here frae by high falutin' cammentaturs an' similar. Whilst welcomin' such folk, this is a worryin' development as theseuns might think that this is some kine o' palitical thing, rather than a cultural hub fur the Ulster Scots academic community. Thus Ah hiv decided fur til return til the roots o' the hole thingymajig, an' move ontil Bit 14 o' ma convaluted histry o' the Ulster Scots folk.

Whit wi' it bein' o'er a year since the last Bit aboot the Angle Normans, an whit wi' me knaein' feck all aboot the intervenin' period, Ah hiv decided fur til skip til the maist important event in the histry o' the wurld, the invention o' the Pratestant.

Now manies a time when Ah hiv bin debatin' histry, religion an' the like, some folk, mainly the o'er surt but sometimes themuns whit are nae surt at all, accuse messel an' ma coreligionists o' bein' Pratestants purely because Henry VIII was a dirty auld fat get who wanted til get rid o' his wife fur a new cuddy.  Whilst there may be some truth in this argument in relation til the Anglican Church o' Ireland, an' we all ken there is oany a paper wall between themuns an' the o'er surt, it bares nae import oan the yin true faith o' Presbyternianism, Free or o'erwise. This true farm o' Pratestant came aboot unner the Refarmation.

Whit was the Refarmation?

As the word "refarmed" wud suggest, the Refarmation involved the farmin' o'er again o' somethin' that had already bin farmed afore, namely Presbyternianism. Frae ma lengthy studies oan the matter, includin' a short stint as Professor o' Religious Things at Annahilt Sunday School, Ah hiv larnt thit the o'er surt hid taken the pure Christian faith an' added stuff ontil it. Stuff like the Pope, purgatry, nat atin' mate o' a Friday, Blood Transfusions an' sayin' haitch instead o' aitch. They were clean gettin' away wi' it fur they made the Bible intil Latin an' kept the ordinary folk unnerinformed on matters, til a German Pastor called Martin Luther King Sr suddenly wised up an' decided fur til rectify matters. Thus in 1517 he writ a big thing an' started the whole Refarmation when he nailed his Testes to a church door in Wittenburg.

Whit the Pope did. 

The Pope wasnae tae pleased about the Testes incident, an' summoned Luther King Sr til a big meetin' where he tried fur til make him eat Worms. He refused, an' thus invented pratestin'. Prior tae this naebody had ever pratested aboot anythin', mainly just gettin' a wee bit pished aff an' the like, an' sae we get the term Pratestant. Ah amnae tae sure whit happened next, fur it gets wile complicated, but it saims thit a wile lock o' important German folk agreed with Luther King. Afore he knew it, half the country was pratestin', he'd translated the Bible intil German, had accidentally gat married an' the Pope was rippin'. This in turn led til the Counter Refarmation, which Ah cannae even be arsed til think aboot whilst sober.

Mair Pratestants. 

Havin' conquered Germany, Pratestantism soon began til spread across Europe, finally makin' it til Scotland in about 15 somethin'. Here it was spearheaded by John Knax, a man wi' a maist impressive beard who got intil a wile lat o' bo'er wi' the Catholic Regent o' the time, Mary o' Geese. He was forced by her til flee til England, an' then til Switzerland by their Queen Mary I. There he writ the famous "First Blast o' the Trumpet agin' the Monsterous Regimen o' Weemin", an early wurk in Ulster Scots that said that naebudy who had diddies shud be in charge o' countries, especially if they were calt Mary. This pished aff the new Mary Queen o' Scots, but on his return til Scotland he managed fur til get rid o' her an' a prapur man was put in charge, namely James VI. Although James was calt James, an inherently bad name fur a king (ref James II, who came after him even though he has a lower nummer) he was alsae a Pratestant, so all was well in Scotland.

Mainwhile

In England Mary I had died, thank feck, fur as well as bein' a notorious vodka drinker she had a wile habit o' burnin' Pratesants. She hid nae weans sae her sister Elizabeth was made Queen. She was pished aff wi' all the tooin' an' froin' o' religions fur half the time naebudy in England knew whit surt they were, somethin' that is still the case taeday. Elizabeth therefore decided til compromise betwain surts an' invented the Church o' England. Knax was havin' nain o' this, sae he invented the Church o' Scotland. Fur the uninebriated Ah shall detail the differences betwain the twa below.

Church o' England.

  • Is Anglican
  • Is wishy washy
  • Has a paper wall betwain it an' the o'er surt
  • Disnae believe in Predestination
  • Has Bishops
  • Disnae mind saints an' stain glass.
  • Has weemen who are good at makin' cakes an' sangwiches.
Church o' Scotland
  • Is Presbyternian
  • Isnae wishy washy
  • Has a brick wall wi' a murial o' King Billy on it betwain it an the o'er surt. 
  • Believes in Predestination
  • Disnae hiv Bishops
  • Thinks ye can stick saints an' the like up yer arse. 
  • Has weemen who are guid at makin' traybakes an' soda farls. 
Thus by 1600 all religious conflict in England an' Scotland was o'er, fur everybudy had agreed fur tae be a Pratestant o' one surt or the o'er. Ah hape that ma' writins hiv made the hole thing a bit clearer fur the lat o' yis fur now the stage is set fur the second maist important event in wurld histry, the Plantation o' Ulster. 


10 comments:

ellie said...

This really cheered me up, thanks!

thedissenter said...

Church o'Scotland isnae wishy washae? Nat then; tis now.

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Ye hiv a point Dissenter, but the advantage o' bein' a Pratestant is that there is aways a less wishy washy church fur ye til join if ye get pished aff. If ye cannae fine one, ye can aways start yer ain.

Cynic said...

Is this religion thang at all necessary?

Its almaist 500 years since thon refarmation thing got going. An has Gad struck down the ant-christ in Rome? She has nawt. Has she guided the Pratestant Peeple on the true path tae the Pramised land? Apart from a brief period around 1918-21 (and same might even argue it was Carson what done it), she has nawt

Siting the aither night under ma tarpaulin in the ditch an it fair pashing down, I set tae wandering tae meeself. If Gawd herself cannae be arsed with all this, why the hell shud I be?

That fur me is a fundamental sart of question. If Gawd isnae interveening tae deal with all this crap then I am farced to the conclusion that either he/she daesnae exist or, if he/ she does exiat, she had hadly be bathered about all this nansense and we are therfair wasting our time being bathered oorselves.

I did try and raise this mattar down the Lodge last week durin a debate on philosophical issues, but unfortunately I wis shouted down in favour of a discussin on hae we can get ain over on themuns in Rasharkin this year.

Whan I parsisted quite raisonably wi ma point I was actually ejected from the Orange Hall and am up befair the Worshipful Maister next week on some trumnped up charges about false religion. How says I tae them, how can arguing nae religion be a false religin. It disnae make sense but they didna seem thait interested tae tell the truth and mentioned samething abait repenting ma wicked ways and also about haen a bath befair the next Lodge meetin.

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Cynic - the existence o' o'erwise o' the Laird is a question best resolved by the fallyin' twa things - Dae Rangers win the league mair than Celtic, an' daes it rain mair oor less aften on the Twelfth? Examine these records an' yer doubts might be assuaged.
Incidentally Ah gat it wrang, Luther King didnae nail his Testes til a door, Ah think he nailed 95 Faeces, which makes mair sense. If he had nailed his Testes, he'd niver hiv bin able til get til thon Worms meetin'.

Cynic said...

I tend tae agree on the testes thangs. Nailin them tae the dur might hae changed his perspective a bit. Mind you, he does seem tae have been a bit o'a lad our Matin. Didnt he run aff wi anun after smugglin her oot a convent ina barrel of pickled hwrring? In Ballymena, that's wat we call style boy. Tho in same quairters it might be seen as desparation

Serendipity A Pearson, Architypologist said...

At last, and explanation why I can't cook soda farls or tray-bakes!

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Dinnae tell me yer a Methodist Serendipity?

Cynic said...

Ah maist say that I am fair disappaintet tae see that this blog hasnae cuivered the Glorious re-enactment today o' King William's landin at Carrickfergus Castle.

Fair me I hae tae admit it was a day o' mixt fortune.

I had haird a rumour that, wi him na being Baron O'Carrickfergus, the Young Pretender Prince William was himself goin tae ride thon big white horse this year. But it wis nat tae be and instead they used same excuse abait Her majesty's birthday tae kaip him in London.

I wais having a philosphical dicsussion on this wi a bai in whait looks suspiciously like the ainly Caltic shirt in Carrick when wain of them new PSNI weemin tailt me tae muve on and stap harassing peeple.

I expained that I wasnea harraing anyone and was simply engagin in a philosophical debate aboot the role o Gerry Adqams in keeping the yang prince away but I was run out o'the toon agin and tald that if I cum back they will give me wan of theim asbo things.

Wait has it cum to when a man cannot even hae a day oot from his sheugh wiooot being harrassed

Cynic said...

Ah maist say that I am fair disappaintet tae see that this blog hasnae cuivered the Glorious re-enactment today o' King William's landin at Carrickfergus Castle.

Fair me I hae tae admit it was a day o' mixt fortune.

I had haird a rumour that, wi him na being Baron O'Carrickfergus, the Young Pretender Prince William was himself goin tae ride thon big white horse this year. But it wis nat tae be and instead they used same excuse abait Her majesty's birthday tae kaip him in London.

I wais having a philosphical dicsussion on this wi a bai in whait looks suspiciously like the ainly Caltic shirt in Carrick when wain of them new PSNI weemin tailt me tae muve on and stap harassing peeple.

I expained that I wasnea harraing anyone and was simply engagin in a philosophical debate aboot the role o Gerry Adqams in keeping the yang prince away but I was run out o'the toon agin and tald that if I cum back they will give me wan of theim asbo things.

Wait has it cum to when a man cannot even hae a day oot from his sheugh wiooot being harrassed