Sort it out Coca-Cola

Dear Coca Cola

I had occasion to be in Tesco Banbridge yesterday and was looking at getting one of your bottles with folk's names on them. I searched through the rack and was shacked to observe that nearly all the names were Free State names in the Irish language, such as Siobhan, Cian, Orla, Aoife etc, with very few names that would traditionally be viewed as from the Protestant culture, for example Billy, Sammy, Myrtle, Lily, Elizabeth, Edward and Basil.
 
As I'm sure you are aware Northern Ireland has very strict equality legislation and although I haven't bothered looking it up yet I'm pretty sure this kind of thing would break it. I am going to get on to my MP about it, but thought I'd give you a chance to sort it out before I do. Last year was our Queen's Jubilee after all. 

I await your response with interest.

Love
Professor Billy McWilliams
xo

World Police and Pervert Games

After a brief exchange of emails, I can confirm that DCAL are no fun at all. 

Dear Dcal 

As you'll be aware Northern Ireland is due to host the World Police and Fire Olympics next year. This is a momentous event, no doubt, and several of my friends have taken the opportunity to volunteer to work at the games.

"All very good," I hear you say, "for why are you mailing us about it?" Well the thing is, all of the volunteer friends are women, and they arnae exactly in it for the love of sport. Basically they quite fancy men in uniform and so are going along in the hope of getting a coort with a Mountie. 

What's in it for the men I ask ye? Nothing, unless they are the gays, and thus there is a clear breach of the sex discrimination legislation, namely that things shouldn't be provided for one sex and not the other.

However before I take you to the European Court of Sex, I am offering you a chance to redeem yourselves. For some time I have been planning a World Foxy Nurses and French Maids Olympics, and am seeking your support in holding it here, preferably in Banbridge so I can get to it without the Motor and so can have a wee drink. The nurses and French Maids will take part in a variety of events as diverse as the bouncing up and down, syncronised hair shaking, unsupported jogging and, of course, a lovely girls competition.

You will have spotted a flaw in my plan I am sure, namely the numerical advantage he French will hold in the French Maids area. This will be circumvented by allowing other nationalities to include maids, under the STRICT understanding that they wear the correct outfit.

Anyway, I look forward to hearing for you and the receipt of my grant cheque.

Love
Professor Billy McWilliams.
Xo

Dear Sir,

Thank-you for your email of 30th October 2012 which has been considered and held on file. There is no facility within the Department for providing grant directly to any organisation. 

Thank you,
2013 Projects Team.

online@tesco.co.uk 

Dear Tesco

I was in one of your big shops today (the one in Banbridge) getting beer and the like and noticed that you still have a fair stock of thon Fifty Shades of Grey books. I had a wee read for a while, and admit they're not bad in places. A wee bit too much of the old bondage for my liking, but there's no accounting for taste. 

Anyway, that's not the point. You had thon book, and a rake of similar books called things like Her Deepest Desires or Her Secret Lady Garden or whatever, but they were all what I would loosely call "Lady Porn". This left me unfulfilled so I thought I'd go to your magazine section and get some proper old fashioned porn, Razzle or Asian Babes or Fat and Forty or whatever, only to find that you have NO man porn, aside from Nuts and Zoo. Thesuns aren't really proper porn, and wouldn't do the job, so to speak.

I would like to know why you have adopted this sexist attitude to porn, and consider it OK to sell books where women get the bejaysus whipped aff them by a pervert, but don't sell stuff where men can look at women and think how pretty they look and the like. I checked the European Convention of Human Rights, and it supports my position, so I expect to see your magazine section suitably replete with filth within the next few weeks.

Love 
Professor Billy McWilliams. 
xo

PS When I say "Man Porn" I don't mean porn for the Gays. You can have that too if you want, but make sure it's labelled right for I looked at some by accident one time and near boked.

Northern Ireland is Full of Arseholes, claims report.

A report published today by a top academic has revealed some startling statistics about Northern Ireland. Far from being a land of welcoming people moving forward into a new, shared future the country is in fact full of complete wankers.

The report was commissioned in response to a number of events and developments over the summer months such as:

• Parades controversies 
• Debate over the nationality of golfers and Olympians
• Discussions over the new exhibition up at the Giant's Causeway
• Stuff about the gays and drink.

The academic, who does not want to be named for illegal reasons, explained that he had observed the shenanigans over the summer and noted stuff down in a big book. Then he had drew some graphs about it. 

Graph 1.

The figures obtained by the academic indicate a high prevalence of general arseholery. This is generally revealed by an ability to ignore basic facts and an inability to understand anyone else's point of view. 

Graph 2.

This high prevalence of arseholery was reflected in the pastimes of the local population. 

Graph 3

This further impacts on the standard of debate locally, all forms of the media reflecting the general principle below. This is clearly demonstrated in the social media, the letters pages of the papers and on the Nolan show. 

Graph 4.

All debate will somehow involve religion. If crisps is the subject of the debate, someone will manage to find a quote about how the Lord separated the good crisps from the bad crisps then fed the bad ones to Gay folk or something.

Graph 5.

These factors are reflected in the deliberations of our politicians. Mike Nesbitt is excluded from this, as he only cares about golf and rugby.

The report also showed:

• A high number of folk who complain a lot about stuff but never get off their arses to anything about it.
• A complete lack of respect for anyone's achievements, sporting or academic. 
• A high percentage of lazy bastards who blame everyone else for the situation they find themselves in.
• The news is becoming unwatchable as it makes you want to stick your foot through the TV set.
• That for a nation that prides itself in its "sense of humour" the people have a great deal of difficulty in seeing the humour in anything that does not pander to their preconceived notions of the world and are quick to complain about things being "offensive".
• Everything on local TV is shit, apart from Jackie Fullerton.

In conclusion the academic revealed that this combination of factors means he can no longer be arsed and is henceforth retiring.

A Quare Poke

Whit wi' this doll makin' a fortune oot o' wrichtin' durty buiks, Ah hiv decided til branch oot frae ma normal academic wurk, an' move intil the realm o' Ulster Scots durty fiction. Ah've thus sent this til the Mills an' Boon affices. A wee taster, sae til spake......

Dear Mills an' Boon folk.

Ah was lukkin' in the paper taeday an' note thit some doll in the America has made a wild lot o' money oot o' wrichtin' durty buiks, an' am aware thit yousuns publish similar fiction. Now whit yis micht nat know is that there is a patentially untapped market fur durty buiks here in Norn Ireland, namely amung the Ulster Scots ladies. As a Professor o' Ulster Scots, an' somethin' o' a pervert, Ah am well placed til praduce buiks in the hamely tongue fur yousuns, an' thunk Ah'd send ye a wee draft fur yer consideration. Ah am callin' it "A Quare Poke" - a wee play oan wurds fur ye see in Ulster Scots a Quare Poke cud be a big ice cream cone, or a good auld bit o' hat action.

A Quare Poke

Plot synapsis

Wilbert Armstrong has bin hired fur til dae a bit o' wurk oan the farm o' Lady Lovely Lesley Flockhart. She traits Wilbert wi' contempt, but secertly her womanly urges are attractin' her til the her new labourer.

Chapter 3.

Wilbert dismounted aff his Massey Ferguson 135 an' strode manfully across the field. His muscular back shone oot in the sun, as Lady Flockhart eyed him wi' a mixture o' contempt an' lust. Wilbert hid noticed thit she was spendin' a wile lock o' time lukkin' at how he handled his tool, an' as he bent til hoke oot the spuds, he was wile feart that she was about fur til lay him aff.

Howiver Lady Flockhart had a differn type o' layin' oan her mind. Smiling til hersel, she calt o'er til Wilbert.  "Armstrong, I wish to speak with you, urgently." Wilbert sighed deeply, an' raised his taut frame til its full heicht. "Richt awa' Ma Lady," he replied, turnin' fur til dander o'er til his mistress. "Not here, Armstrong" she yelped back at him, "my office, in 20 minutes".

Wilburt was heart feart but ne'ertheless flung his massive tool o'er his shaulder. "Lady Flockhart is a quare cuddy," he thunk, "But she has a bake oan her like a dunkle, an' a temper til match. Ah'm fur hapin' she disnae gie me the sack, whit wi' the rent due an' the like."  Dispondently he climbed slowly intil the cab o' his tractur, an' driv taewards the hoose.

Chapter 4.

On enterin' Lady Flockhart's affice, Wilbert foun' his employer lyin' languidly oan a couch. "Sit down Armstrong," she ordered, indicatin' an auld chair by the fire.

Wilbert did as he was taul, settlin' beside the roarin' flames as he nervously fingered wi' his ring. "Tea?" asked Lady Flockhart as she rose and walked o'er til a wee table. Wilbert was thirsty frae his wurk, an' the hate o' the fire was raisin' a quare sweat oan him. "Thank ye, yer ladyship," he replied "Ah hiv a quare drooth oan me an' wud appreciate somethin' hat an' wet".

Lady Flockhart grasped the handle o' the pat an' poured the steamin' liquid into her milky white cups. "Would you like to try one of my baps?" she asked, "I can butter them if you like?"

Wilbert's confusion grew. "Fur why," he thunk, "is she bein' nice to me taeday?" as he stammered an answer in the affirmative.

"I do enjoy providing my staff with an ample spread" said her Ladyship, as she pushed her baps across the table to Wilbert.

to be continued........

Anyhow, that's the idea. Let me ken how much yis will pay me fur it an' Ah'll wricht the rest o' it.

Love
Professor Billy McWilliams.