Thursday, 26 February 2009

Bit Echt - The Branze Age

Movin Oan.

Ah shud advise yis that thair is a danger that these postins micht become a bit mair infrequent in the comin' months. Efter Sax years as a Teachin' Fella at Ballymena Skool o' Ulster-Scots Dancin' (Specialisin' in Mime an' Movement in Post Renessance Bushmills) ah'm fur movin oan til a new joab. Frae nixt week ah will be Head o' the Fakulty o' Rythmic' Lambeg Interpretation at the Royal Ballat Skool near tae London. This is obviously a wile big stap fur me, fur the travellin' distances involved are grate. Rather than hoppin' intae the car fur the wee jaunt til Skool fur an elevin o'clack lecture, ah'm goantae hiv tae git tae the Donemana Davy Crockett Transcontinental Aerodrome fur the 5.17 flight tae Hethrow, via Claudy. Furthermair, when ah git tae London, ah'll hiv tae contend wi' the langwidge an' cultural diffrences. Awl in awl ah reckon it micht prevent me frae drinkin' the requisite amount o' stout required fur a full Thursday update, but ah'll dae ma best.

At his point ah'd like tae thank some o' yis at the Ballymena skool fur yer help an' support oer the years. Some, bit not awl.


Afore ah go oan ah hiv tae pass comment oan taeday' developments. Yinst Sammy made the brave decision tae expose hissel tae the Enviroment Committee at Stormount, makin' a plane case that the climate changin' isnae anythin' tae dae wi' man. Apparently the hen frae Frends o' the Earth said "Most of Northern Ireland's contribution to climate change comes from housing, energy and transport - areas that are thankfully outside Sammy Wilson's control." Exactly ah'd say, an housin' is the SDLP's luk oot and transport is the Shinners, git oantil them an' laiv Sam be.

Then the Ulster Unionists changed thair name 'til "Ulster Conservatives and Unionists - New Force". This is clearly a well thought through strategy, fur thair can be nae doubt that naebody will iver take the han' oot of such a name. Oor Linguistics expert, Professor Billy McQuillan, has run the new name through his Binary Rude Acronym Simulator at South-Aist Ards Bible an' Caterin' College an' reckons that thair fine sae lang as naebody iver vandalises a poster.

Bit Echt - The Branze Age.

In his seminal wurk "Stains ah hiv hoked oot" the eminant archaeologit Willie McIlveen describes the transition frae Stain Age tae Metal Age as the maist important event in the histry o' the Ulster Scot. "If it wair made o' Stain" he asks "Wair wud the Titianic be now?" A guid point, fur it was the invenshun o' metal that enabled the inate industrialness o' the Ulster Scot tae shine.

Climate Change.

Now that Frends o' the Earth hen who's furiver criticisin' oor Sammy wud dae well tae take under her notice the findins o' Mike Baillie at The Queen's Ain University, Belfawst. Through his studies o' dendrochronology (?) he his come tae the conklusion that the Ulster Scot o' the Neolithic saw massive climatic changin'. Surprinsinly Prof Baillie seems tae blame UFOs an' aliens fur he has argued that the very suddin changin' o' the wither "leads to speculation that loading of the atmosphere from space might be a significant factor in the environmental downturns."

Whitiver caused it, the Ulster Scot hid tae move frae his traditional stampin' grounds an' travel South, even goin' sae far as tae laiv Ulster itself. Luckily this coincided wi' the inventshun' o metal - mair specifically branze. The hard wurkin Ulster Scot found that Munster was a prime place tae mine capper, which combined wi' tin imported frae oor brethern in Cornwall, was mixed up tae make branze.


In Bit Nine we'll luk faither at life in these times, but it wid be wurth oor wile tae pre-emptively address some o' the Free State's Crowd's potential objections til oor claims.

  • How come thair Ulster Scots when thair in Munster? - As explained above they'd shifted south due tae aliens. It is aroun' this time that the term Scotch Irish came intae use, due tae the fact that they'd left thair hameland.

  • How couldn't Munster folk hae bin dain the minin? - Munster folk dinnae hiv the Ulster Scots work Ethnic. Oor mair feckless frends in the south are grand at the poetry an' the fiddlin', but did they invent the vulcanised rubber tyre?

  • Whit evidence dae ye hiv? - The yinst Metallurgists were skilled craftsmen, wurkin' wi tools, molds etc. They must thairfore hiv trained other young men til wurk wi' them. These were the yinst Apprentice Boys.

Ah'm sure mair questions will arise, an' we'll be happy tae anser them in Bit Nine.


Ah almaist forgot tae mention that Iris won the pole. Ah can see why yis went fur her fur she really is so very lovely. Ah' thought aboot movin' til London fur the new joab but ah'd miss her tae much. Which brings me tae this week's pole, kindly Sir Reg Empey his agraid til add his encuragement tae yis awl tae tak part, usin' his new party's uniquely forthrite style.

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