Thursday, 6 August 2009

Bit Elevin Part Twa - Christianity Agin

The mair observent amung yis will hiv come tae the conklusion thit ah micht hiv o'erstretched messel in Bit Elevin Point Yin. "Due tae a basic lack o' research oan Christianity", ye micht hiv thunk, "this sae caul Professor his embarked oan a flicht o' 'Da Vinci' code related fancy, prabably enduced by sevral cans o' stout, oor the like." Ye cudnae be mair wrang. Fur it awl as true as Gawd......

Blud (Caul)

The last time ah met yis ah hid jist foun' the body o' the Rev Dr Dougie Muldrew, clearly murdered in caul blud by yin o' the O'er Sort, Opus Dei scrawled acrass his coller.


"Naw" ah yelled fur a wheen o' seconds, befair ah heard a thud at the dour. "Open up ye boy ye!" came the cry, "Its the RUC/PSNI oor whitiver wir called these days. Let us in befair we gae hame til oor tae, an a few pints in the Downshire later oan. Fur we hiv guns, an' cross community support noo!"


"Jaisus", ah thunk, "Ah'm fur done fur. Nat oany am ah alone in a Bible college wi' a murdered mawn, but ah hiv nae chance o' slippin' oe'r the border an' claimin' mental asylum, fur ah am a Prod." Luckily ma auld army trainin' came tile the fower. Ah lep til ma feet an ran straight fur a windae. Crashin' through ah landed clean at the feet o' a shapely French (fur nae apparent raison aside frae vague Da Vinci Code references, which ah red yince, aboot thrie years ago, an the noo cannae rememer but am basin' this entire episode oan.) crime scene investigator. "Key est Vous, "she said, fur she wis French (see abuve), "An whit est vous daen' leppin oot o' a crime scene windae?"


"Ah've nae choice" ah thunk. Grabbin the French hen as a hoastage, ah dragged her taeward ma motor. "Yer cummin' wi me, ye gurl ye! " ah shouted, "fur Dougie Muldrew his bin done o'er, an' ah'm fur avengin." Ah threw her intae the front seat o' Mrs McWilliamses Mitsubishi, efter openin' the door fur her obviously, putt her sate belt oan, an' ran roun' the oe'r side. Then ah climbed in messel, but nat befair keekin' ma boots oan the wheel fur tae git the muck aff, fur hersel is wile partikular. (Detail is the key til a good story)


"Je knaw vous, " she said as we sped through the Armagh countryside. "Vous is the famous Professeur, Billie McWilliams, the quatre-most expert oan awl things Ulster-Ecosse in the Wurld." Ah cudnae argue wi thyo'n. "Whit aboot it, Cuddy?" ah snarled, fur ah wis a bit pished aff by this stage, "Ma pawl his bin kilt, an' ah'm the nummer yin suspek." Ah pawsed, considerin' the dire straits ah foun' messel in....

"Ah am the noo oan the run, an' hiv oany yin clue wha cud clear ma name - the letters V M."

Nixt Time

Whitiver ah kin make up, dependin' oan drink.


Ah near furgat, an ah rarely venture intae the palitics these days - but oor Sammy, Minister fur awl oor money, his foun' hissel in a spot o' buther agin. He appears tae hiv strayed intae the wurld o' immigration. If ah wis his adviser ah'd say "Thrie Wurds nuddy boy - Plantation o' Ulster."

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