Polisin' crisis

Ah've jist rushed oot o' the tap negotiations fur a quick pint an' a slash in the Plough havin' bin called in by the Prime Minister an' Tshurt fur til assist in breakin' the polisin' impass.

For the last wheen o' days Norn Iron has been on the brink o' a precipice, starin' intil an abyss wi' nae way back, dependin' oan which paper yis raid, sae civil servants are relyin' on my tap negotiatin' skills fur til hammer oot a dail acceptable til both parties. The situation is nat helped by the fak that naybody will spake til eacho'er, an' all attempts on my part at organisin' drinkin' games fur til break the ice appear til have hid nay success.

Things was goin' well wi' a wee round o' "Ah hiv niver" til Sammy Wilson said "Ah hiv niver bin in a Paramilitary group" an' naebody knew whar til luk. Almost as bad as "Ah hiv niver bin a complete arse." There were similar recriminations when ah suggested pin the tail oan the donkey til Nigel Dodds.

At the moment ah am considerin' naked twister an' drink Kerplunk, baith o' which put grate images in ma heid.

Polis Proposals.

Howiver awl is nat lost, fur ah put Dr Wullie McIlveen an' a few boys at Ballyvicknakelly Ulster Scots University o' Peace an' Reconciliation oantil it an' they hiv suggested a few ideas.

Idea Yin:
It saims unreasonable that the (cross community) Alliance Party shud git the new minister post, since naebudy votes for them. If they did, then they wud hiv their ain ministry an' nat hiv til fart aboot oan the TV lukkin' smug as this crisis unfolds. The new minisiter shud be me, since ah was yince voted Glastry's sexiest man in a competition organised by Ards Loyalist Pensioners Ladies Guild. This gives me a clear mandate fur til' take ma proposals forwards. These include.

Idea Twa:
An international polis force made up o' the best yins frae Italy, Russia, France an' China shud be putt in place. Then them boys wud knae whit hit them when a riot broke oot.

Idea Thrie:
Employment fur ex-prisoners wud be foun' within the education system, mainly as enforcers fur teachers.

Idea Fower: Parades (a)
The main parade o' dispute is, o' coorse, Drumcree. Everyone wha lives oan the Garvaghy Road wud be sent oan a weeks hallydays til the Costa del Sol in early July. This wud allow the parade til take place, an' wud cost substantially less than all the bother we usually hiv. Alternatively the Garvaghy Road lat wud be allowed fur til hiv an internment parade in the middle o' Portydown as a swap.

Idea Five: Parades (b)
A £70 million poun' multi-purpose parade stadium will be erected at the Maze. Anyyin whi' a contentious parade can gae there an' folk can watch an' the like. This includes the o'er surt an' Gay folk, the lat.

Idea Sax:
A new crime o' wastin' the electorate's time will be introduced, alangside a thorough investigation intil all MLAs an' the planning process.