Lovely Girls Competition.

Acoordin' til the palitical parties, this election is tae be differn frae previous years. Nae mair auld shite aboot the border, this yin will centre on real issues, like health, educkation, jabs an' self promotion in the hope o' gettin' back handers from praperty develapers. Thus as voters we are entitled fur til focus in on whit matters til us, namely the general attractiveness o' the candidates, an' use oor franchise based oan which o' them we fancy the arse aff. Nae mair can the Shinners hide behine Bairbre de Bruin's crinkly face, or the UUP rely on Daphne Trimble's ample charms, Ulster people demand mair glamour. In order fur til assist yis, Ah hiv hid a luk at all the party candidates, an' considered which o' them Ah wud affer a lift hame til after a dance down the hall. Some o' them wudnae be allowed intil the hall tae be fair, an' the chances are Ah'd be tae pished til drive them, but anyway, this is the best Ulster palitics can affer. 


SDLP


Magdelena Wolska:

Magdalena, she's the yin in the middle.

Ah'm nat exactly pickin' frae a broad field here, since despite bein' led by wee Margaret, oany 3 o' their 28 candidates are hens. In any o'er country this wud cause a scandal o' epic proportions, but here weemin knae their place, so it disnae. Magdelena is originally frae Poland, so Ah'm nat sure whither she wud be allowed intil an Orange Hall oor nat, sometimes exceptions are made for foreigns, even if they are the o'er surt. Ah hiv examined her profile carefully, an reckon she might be o' Ulster Scots extraction, gien her inability to use coherent sentence construction. "She is passionate about improving a promotion of Northern Ireland in (to) Poland and the image of Poland in Northern Ireland what will create jobs for the many people who are currently out of work." 


Alliance.


Nae naminations: The Alliance dinnae put photies oan their information aboot candidates bit o' their wabsite, an' Ah cannae be arsed lookin' them all up. Insteid they gie us whit appears tae be a cut an' paste frae a wurd document, wi' nae information whitsaeiver. They dae hiv 7 weemen standin' so by the law of averages* at laist one o' them might be wurth a jive, but a lack o' photies mains they are ruled oot o' the race. 


* Law o' averages re Norn Iron weemen states thit fur every 7 wimmin ye meet 1 will be a Bible weildin' Christian wi' scary eyes, 3 will be slappers wi' neck tattoos an' mad shoes, 2 will be the size o' Belgium an' 1 will be wurth a coort. 


DUP

Wee Michelle, wi a fleg.

Wi' nae fewer than 44 candidates, the DUPers manage 7 weemen, an' there are a few fine lookin' cuddies lurkin' in the ranks. Ah was tempted by Ruth Patterson, fur she has a fair auld fake tan oan her, but Ah cannae gae past wee Michelle McIlveen. Wi' her wee red jacket, which is niver aff her, an' her salidly Ulster Scots surname, she has been a source o' attraction tae me fur some time. Accordin' til her wabsite, she regularly updates it wi' speeches an' the like, an' it wud appear she last gat aff her arse oan the 7th o' Febury to welcome a new futpath. Well done Michelle. 


Incidentally Ah cannae provide any links here, fur the DUP wabsite has the same address fur every page. Ah amnae tae sure how they dae it, an' wudnae want til accuse them o' bein' control freaks or the like. 

Ma Bell.

Shinners.


Inexplicably the Shinners hivnae updated their wabsite since the Free State elections, sae Ah cannae really consider the full list o' hens stannin' but Ah did pass an election poster fur Michelle O'Neill the o'er day, an' thunk til messel, "Ah micht, even if she is the o'er surt." She saims like a dacent auld spud, mad fur canals an rural things, so Ah can imagine long walks in the country, where she says things like.... 'The need for a locally accountable democratic assembly which reflects the views of the indigenous population in its policy making, is a necessity for the people 
of the six counties," an' Ah say, "Richt pet, whit's fur ma tay?"




UUP.

Sigh

Thosuns o' yis oot their whit hiv bin fallyin' this shite fur a lock o' years will be aware thit Ah hiv lang syne carried a torch fur Iris Rabinson. In ma watery eyes, she wus the epitomy o' Ulster weemenhood, beautiful, yet stern, intelligent, yet mad as a box o' hammers. Howiver, she has been replaced in ma affections by the delectable Lesley Macaulay, UUP candidate fur Aist Londonderry. Turns oot she's married, but nathin' is insurmountable til the concerted efforts o' a stalker like messel. Ah try til stay palitically neutral, but wud quite happily affer til canvass wi' young Lesley roun' the rural roads o' the Nairth West, perhaps stappin' til pick flowers an' skip beside a wee burn. She'd hiv til drive mind ye, fur Ah wud want the odd pint, though Ah suppose she cud hiv a poke in a layby. 




A pole has been provided fur yis til choose the object o' yer affections, an' afore yis get oantil me, this is nat sexist, there is a serious point aboot weemen's participation in Ulster pailitics tae be made, but nat by me. Ah wud dae a Lovely Man Election Competition, but they're all brute ugly.