Monday, 9 May 2011

Election 2011 agin'. Whit we hiv larnt frae it. The election Ah main.

And sae the annual ritual o' the big countin' up is o'er, an' it is time fur palitical pundits like messel til take stock. Ah hiv examined the results in a depth, an' present til yis the fallyin' conclusins which Ah hiv drew frae the results, an' the like.

The UUP are fecked:

They hiv nat so much fallen betwain' twa stools as walked in a pair o' them an' then tread them all o'er the carpet. On the yin hawn, ye hiv lovely Basil wi' his hair an' his wee friends, scootin' aroun' the metrapolis like a wee smart car wi' jazz oan the Aye Pod. On the o'er ye hiv Tam settin' the muck spreader til full blast oan the back o' his Massey, an' slippin' "The Best of Corbet Accordian Band" intil his 8 track. Ye cannae be the TUV, DUP, Alliance an' Conservatives all at the same time, Ah think, in fact it is a miracle anybudy votes fur yis at all.

The SDLP are slightly less fecked but still fecked:

Bewliderinly they still haul on til Derry, though they gat aroun' the issue o' nat hivin a big name like Mark Durkin by fieldin' a candidate calt Mark Durkin. Howiver, much as Ah like her, wee Margaret gets madder an' madder by the day. Ah am now sae distracted by her han' movements that Ah've furgat whit she said before she finished sayin' it. They alsae hiv nae foxy candidates.

The Alliance are very, very smug:

But still hiv as much chance o' gettin' a sait west o' the Bann as Ah hiv o' bein' the next Pope.

The Green Party are alsae very very smug:

But, tae be fair,  ye gat yin sait in the land o' the smug, an' 0.9% o' the vote nationally. Ye can stick yer bicycle powered wind farms up yer overly fibred arses. An' get yer hair cut while yer at it.

Paliticians shud nat confuse facebuk wi' the real wurld.

Wee Dawn is oot, an' the whole social medium wurld loved her. Unfortunately hivin' 2.3 million friends oan FB does nat equate til a similar nummer o' votes in the election. Ah shud knae, Ah hiv 6 hunner odd friends, Ah hiv oany met aboot 6 o' them, an' Ah dinnae even like themuns.*

The Dupers an' the Shinners hiv it sewed up fur the foreseeable future:

Peter his rid the storm, much as Iris did, and the Shinners hiv weathered the great intellectual loss thit was Gerry emigratin' til the Free State. It is startin' til feel thit votin' fur them is the default option o' the Ulster people. Feck up the watter crisis? Tap the pole. Make an arse o' the finances? Tap the pole. Pretend that God made the Giant Causeway? Tap the pole.

Jiummy Spratt is an arse.


The folk o' Aist Londonderry are Blind an' Stupid.


*Ah dae like yis really.


Cynic said...

Now that these elections is o'er I am thinkin o'emergratin down to Fermanagh. I hae' bin inspired by the spechifying of thon boy Elliott. He seems to have his heid screwed on, e'en if same falwk says its on backward.

There's nathinn left worthwhile for good Gad fearing Pratestant fawlk in towns like Ballymena anymore. The houl place hae gawn tae hell in a handcart wot with them DUP uns in league with Satan on the Council and the availability of heroin and mind alterin subtanace aither than the traditional Bushmills whiskey and guinness.

Nae. Feramanagh's the place fur me fur the future and I am sure that the guid Prawtestat peeple down there will wilcome an immigrant who is a bit down on his luck and needs a wee dig out to help him back on the road to Prosperity

Anonymous said...

fur ah be divistayted. Ah've met ye in life and ye dinnae like me? Nae RWC tickets or settee fur ye, lad.

Billy said...

Cynic - Ballymana his gone doonhill since the swings opened on the Sabbath.

Anonymouse - o' coorse Ah dinnae main yersel, though Ah'd naid fur til win the lattery afore Ah avail o' yer sofa. Hape all well upside doon.

Cynic said...


Ah aways thought it was a mistake to allow childer tae socialise 7 days a week. It only encourages divilment and provides a convenient cover story for meetin their dealer.

I knae its shockin tae butI am tald that same parents in Ballymena positively encourage the childer tae gae oot so they can gae back to their beds fur carnal purposes. An on the Sabbath too

Cynic said...

Jeekers, nae sooner had you writ thon than them UUP boys in Castlereagh hae upset the applecart and thrown in their lot with the DUP peeple. Isnt it shackin . Its like one day you go to the shap and in all innocence buy a veda loaf and when ye get hame find its a sliced Veda with nae warnin on the packet.

All those poor voters in Castlereagh who last week crossed the bax for UUP thinking they were keeping out the IRA supportin Scum now find that befare the countin's even ower theie leaders are in bed with the Anti-Christ an supportin the DUP / SF diktatership.

In these circumstances can ye camplain to Tradin Standards or somewan?