The UUP are fecked:
They hiv nat so much fallen betwain' twa stools as walked in a pair o' them an' then tread them all o'er the carpet. On the yin hawn, ye hiv lovely Basil wi' his hair an' his wee friends, scootin' aroun' the metrapolis like a wee smart car wi' jazz oan the Aye Pod. On the o'er ye hiv Tam settin' the muck spreader til full blast oan the back o' his Massey, an' slippin' "The Best of Corbet Accordian Band" intil his 8 track. Ye cannae be the TUV, DUP, Alliance an' Conservatives all at the same time, Ah think, in fact it is a miracle anybudy votes fur yis at all.
The SDLP are slightly less fecked but still fecked:
Bewliderinly they still haul on til Derry, though they gat aroun' the issue o' nat hivin a big name like Mark Durkin by fieldin' a candidate calt Mark Durkin. Howiver, much as Ah like her, wee Margaret gets madder an' madder by the day. Ah am now sae distracted by her han' movements that Ah've furgat whit she said before she finished sayin' it. They alsae hiv nae foxy candidates.
The Alliance are very, very smug:
But still hiv as much chance o' gettin' a sait west o' the Bann as Ah hiv o' bein' the next Pope.
The Green Party are alsae very very smug:
But, tae be fair, ye gat yin sait in the land o' the smug, an' 0.9% o' the vote nationally. Ye can stick yer bicycle powered wind farms up yer overly fibred arses. An' get yer hair cut while yer at it.
Paliticians shud nat confuse facebuk wi' the real wurld.
Wee Dawn is oot, an' the whole social medium wurld loved her. Unfortunately hivin' 2.3 million friends oan FB does nat equate til a similar nummer o' votes in the election. Ah shud knae, Ah hiv 6 hunner odd friends, Ah hiv oany met aboot 6 o' them, an' Ah dinnae even like themuns.*
The Dupers an' the Shinners hiv it sewed up fur the foreseeable future:
Peter his rid the storm, much as Iris did, and the Shinners hiv weathered the great intellectual loss thit was Gerry emigratin' til the Free State. It is startin' til feel thit votin' fur them is the default option o' the Ulster people. Feck up the watter crisis? Tap the pole. Make an arse o' the finances? Tap the pole. Pretend that God made the Giant Causeway? Tap the pole.
Jiummy Spratt is an arse.
The folk o' Aist Londonderry are Blind an' Stupid.
*Ah dae like yis really.