How fur til vote in.......
Aist Antrim: The continued success o' wee Sammy is somethin' o a mystery til me. Folk say that shite floats, but how this wee turd has resisted bein' flushed o'er the years is beyond ma ken. The bare arsed, red cheeked, self effacing financial genius will nae doubt tap the pole, but Ah urge yis all til vote fur Roy Beggs, fur Ah met him once an' he poked me back on Facebuk.
Aist Belfast: If Ah accidentally foun' messel livin' in Aist Belfast, perhaps as a result o' some kind o' heid injury or the like, Ah wud hiv nae choice but til vote fur Wee Dawn. Unlike the o'er palitical parties, she cannae afford fancy election broadcasts, sure she never has thon wee red jacket aff her, but ne'rtheless she seems til irritate themuns in Stormount, an' thus deserves oor support.
Aist Londonderry: An aisy pick fur me here, as Ah cannae gae past ma betrothed, the delectable Lesley Macauley. Rarely can brains, beauty an' political albumen hiv come together in such a heady mix.. Any man who disnae vote fur her is clearly blind, an' any hen jealous, fur lovely Lesley puts the egg in the cup of Ulster palitics.
Foyle an' Londonderry: There appears fur til be nae Ulster Unionist stannin' this time roun' but that disnae matter fur Ah reckon yis shud back Eamonn McCann. Poor auld Eamonn has been stannin' unner any nummer o' guises fur farty odd years, so it oany saims fair til gie him a shot. Alsae Ah reckon he'd shite hissel fur he might hiv til dae somethin' insteid o' lyin' on his arse pontificatin' an' hingin' aboot wi' students.
Leggen Valley: Nae Jeffrey this time roun', he is concentratin' his efforts on Westminister an' transferrin' his old VHS collection ontil DVD Ah think. Edwin Poots is stannin' an' Ah am tempted til ask yis til support him as Stormount needs "big brains" in these troubled economic times. However you should support the next laider o' the UUP, Basil McCrea. For too long there has been a shortage o' Basils in palitics, an' he has very nice hair.
Mid-Ulster: Ah will surprise yis all here an ask yis til back Martin McGuinness, Martin has come on laips an' bouns in racent times, an' as laider o' the DUP's military wing he has managed to keep the hotheids unner control. Ah alsae quite like the o'er DUP candidate in these parts, young Ian McCrea, even if he disnae hiv his brother Basil's hair.
Newry an' Armagh: The successful candidates in this constituency will be representin' nat yin but twa cities, a feat unsurpassed in British palitics. Ah had a look down the list an' dinnae really fancy any o' them. Murphy made a ballix o' the watter crisis sae Ah dinnae like him an' Ah hivnae heard o' the DUP one. This leaves me wi' the UUP's Danny Kennedy, fur Ah saw him in a car park the o'er day an' he said hello til me da.
Nairth Antrim: This area has traditionally been represented by mentalists, an' ye shud ensure this continues by votin' fur the TUV's Jim Allister. He wud be likely til wreck all roun' him in Stormount an' besides that Ah cannae stick Mervyn Storey. Rarely can a constituency have had twa candidates who luk mair like a pair o' slapped arses.
Nairth Belfast: Alban Maginness o' the SDLP does hiv incredible hair, but this is trumped by the beard o' Nelson McCausland. Nelson has unwittinly backed many o' ma campaigns o'er the years, sortin' oot the lack o' balance in the Ulster Museum fur example, an as heid yin o' DCAL he is ma best chance o' a grant so Ah'd better be nice til him.
Nairth Doon: An area wi' a history o' an independently minded electorate, an' thus Ah back Alan McFarland. Tae be honest Ah hivnae heard o' any o' the o'er ones, although Ah was tempted by the Shinner candidate as Ah feel a wee bit sorry for him. Stuck there on a hidin' til nathin', he'd hiv mair chance sellin' Celtic shirts in Portavogie.
South Antrim: Good til see the British National Party stannin' in this constituency, whit wi' oor historic shortage o' palitical heid bins. However Ah willnae back them on this occasion, optin' insteid fur the Alliance's David Ford. Poor auld David needs a wee bit o' support, whit we him bein' party laider and Minister fur Justice, but naebody gien a shite about him since Naomi gat intil Westminister.
South Belfast: Ah really cannae stick Jimmy Spratt an' hiv failed til back any SDLP yit so will go fur Alasdair McDonnell. Ah wud hiv backed Michael McGimpsey but he saims wild angry o' late, he might be bad wi' his nerves. an' Alasdair is short o' cash wi oany his MP an' GP's salaries til rely on, so it oany saims right. God Ah hate Jimmy Spratt.
South Doon: Ah'm very tempted til go wi' Jim Wells here, fur he seems like a dacent fella an' he keeps accidentally sharin' rude things on Facebuk. However Ah hiv nae choice but til back the Alliance's Davy Griffin.fur he taught me histry an' palitics at school. Wi'oot him ma immense knowledge o' histerical an' cultural matters wud be less bountyfull sae ye hiv him til thank, oor blame.
Strangfurd: In palitics as in life, we must all move forward, and whilst Ah still pine fur Iris a little, Ah am prepared til affer ma support til Michelle McIlveen o' the DUP, the party's new wee pin up girl. Ah was goantae back Mike Nesbitt o' the UUP but Ah keep gettin' him mixed up wi' Frank Mitchell aff the weather.
Upper Bawn: Ma hame constituency, but naebudy asked me til stan'. The UUP drapped Flash Harry after the election last year, an act o' folly fur at laist folk hid heard o' him. He is now stannin' fur the Alliance, an' Ah considered stickin' wi' him, but the fact o' the matter is that Joanne Dobson is better lukkin'. Interestinly the Alliance party appear til hiv the longest ladders in the constituency as their posters are highest up the lamp posts. Conversely the TUV (in the form o' Davy Vance) seem til oany have wee totty ladders, a fact which may interest the pundits.
West Belfast: Now thit Gerry is aff wielding power in the Free State there is a rare opportunity for Unionists to seize control in West Belfast. Sinn Fein voters will be confused by a Gerryless ballox paper, allowing Captain Bill Manwering til pick up transfers left, right and centre.
West Trone: Unionist candidates here appear til be chosen on girth rather than brains, an' til be hanest the field is nat exactly stimulatin'. Ah'll stick wi' Big Ross Hussey for the moment, though Ah cannae see him gettin' in. Pat Doherty will nae doubt be makin' some o' his guest appearance in the area at the moment, afore vanishin' back til Donegal for 5 years.
The Referenendum: This is an extremely complex affair. Sae far as Ah can wurk oot the AV system is a bit like bein' a dog wi' twa appendages. If ye miss oot wi' yer dick o' choice, yer second dick might still get in. Whit reprecussions this might hiv fur oorselves Ah amnae tae sure, but Ah note thit the Shinners are in favour o' it. thus Ah assume we should vote Nay.
There ye hiv it, Ah hape this is o' some use til the undecided voter. Ah will be endeavourin' til provide ma unsurpassed election coverage on Friday when the votes come in, work permittin'. That said Ah hiv a do til gae to thit evenin' so Ah might be pished.