Royal Visits til the Free State: A Retrospective.

As oor Queen visits the cloudier part o' this island for a lock o' days, Ah thunk it might be interestin' fur til take a luk at previous royal visits til Ireland. Many o' the papers hiv mentioned Queen Victoria an' King George comin' o'er, but Ah hiv decided til luk at three mair ancient visits. In daein' sae Ah hope fur til putt an end once an' fur all til the difficulties between oor twa nations, bringin' peace an' harmony til us all.

King Henry II, 1171.

As we seen in Bit 13 o' ma histry o' the Ulster Scots in this land, Henry II was nat a prapur royal king bein', as he was, both a French foreign an' the o'er surt. These basic facts shud make themuns sit up an' take notice, fur it was their surt that started it, nat oors. Unner the orders o' the Pope, Henry sent an army o'er in 1169 til subjectgate the Irish folk an' make them intil the o'er surt, but didnae visit hissel til 1171. At this point he papped o'er so that the Irish chiefs cud pay homage til him. Ah amnae tae sure whit homage is, tae be fair, but as a result o' it bein' paid, Henry was duly crowned "Lord o' Ireland".

King John I. 1185 an' 1210.

King Henry thunk it wud be a good idea fur til make his son John Lord o' Ireland insteid, fur til gie him a wee bit o' responsibility. A bit like gittin' yer wain' til cut the grass an' throwin' him a wheen o' poun' fur his money bax. Wee John came o'er til luk at his new lands in 1185, but made a bit o' an arse o' hissel. Apparently he was shacked til see that Irish kings had big long "ZZ Tap" style beards an' proceeded til grab them an' laid them aboot like wee pups. The Irish kings werenae tae plaised aboot this, and John went hame in bad form. Howiver he rectified this mistake in 1210 when he came o'er wi' a rake o' knights an' the like an' kicked the shite clean out o' a lock o' Angle Normans whit were causin' a bit o' bother. This included the first royal visit til Ulster, when he called at Carrickfergus castle an' flung racks at it. The Irish chiefs seem fur til have liked this, fur they all joined in throwin' racks, an' hivnae really stapped since.

King James I an' King Billy.1689 - 1690

Betwain' 1689 an' 1690 Ireland was fortunate enough til have nat one but twa Royal visitors, who made extensive toors durin' their stays. King James arrived first an' fannied about afore decidin' til visit Londonderry. Here the populace taul him til get til feck an' fired stuff at him. In response James surrounded the town wi' French folk an' the Derry Wans celebrated by atin' rats an' firin' stuff at the French til some boats arrived.
Meanwhile the o'er King o' England, King Billy, alsae travelled til Ireland, visitin' Carrickfergus an' tyin' his horse til a tree in every village betwain there an' Dublin. On July 1st the twa kings met up at the Boyne where King Billy knacked James' pan in, despite the Pope bein' there an' everythin'. The date o' the battle was later moved til the Twelfth fur til fit in wi' the rest o' the marchin saison. Incidentally historians now believe there is nae truth in the children's rhyme aboot King Billy havin' a ten fut willy, as the chances o' him showin' it til the woman next door, with her mistakin it fur a snake an' hittin' it wi' a rake, are slim.

Thus oor Queen's visit til themuns is but yin in a lang line o' visits. It is til be hoped that she disnae pull any beards, fling racks at anythin', surround any towns wi' French folk, fight wi' her in-laws or change the religion o' the people. An indaid that Prince Philip disnae show his willy til the woman next door.