Incontinental Airlines

As tends til happen frae time til time Ah hivnae writ tae much o' late, but this is oany because nat tae much has been happenin' roun' an' aboot. There his bin the annual "Aist Belfast Crass Community Field Sports" (sponsored by Buckfast Tanic Wine) an' somethin' aboot schools, but Ah dinnae pay paid much heid til such regular shenanigans. Insteid ma eye was drew by a wee video posted by yin o' ma mair metrapalitan, an' indaid metrasexual, facebuk chums. This purported til be a "Welcome til Belfast" thing shewed til folk arrivin' frae the America on the Incontinental Airlines, but lukkin' at it Ah immedietly twigged that it was missin' oot oan some o' the mair idiosyncratic qualities o' oor wee land. Hence Ah gat oantil themuns in the America, an hiv bin commissioned fur til rewurk the fillum, an' am rasionably proud fur til present it til yis here.

Incidentally if any o' yis ken o' any video saftware o'er than Windows Movie Maker thit Ah can download fur nathin' let me ken, fur it is really startin til pish me aff.

Tis the Saison til go Marchin'.....

Fa la la la la la, la la la la.

It wud saim we are fast approachin' the holiest time in the Ulster Scots religious calendar, the sacred saison which is the Marchin' yin. This fact wus brung hame tae me when the big fella in wurk forewent odd lukkin' kebab things an' announced he was on a diet fur til fit intil his suit fur the Twelfth. On further examination he revailed thit this suit wus reserved fur marchin, Masonic maitins an coort appearances, wi' attendance at the latter shortened by regular appearances at the farmer. At the moment we are in whit Ah like til term the "Advent period" o' the marchin' saison. Mini-Twelfths, which dinnae happen on any kine o' Twelfth whitsoever, an' road shuttin band parades predominate in anticipation o' the big events when we commemorate the Guid Laird sendin' us King Billy an' Governor Walker fur til save us frae hell, damnation, Popery an' RTE.

As such it a time o' reflection fur the committed Ulster Scot, a time fur takin' stock o' things an lukkin til the future, an Ah am nae acception. Ah hiv thus bin considerin' the marked decline in March Attendance in these secular times, whit wi' yung folk bein' mair interested in their X-Baxes an' Aye Pods than a guid walk in a contentious area. The Order hiv gone til some lengths til transform the whole extravaganza intil whit they now term "Orangefest", but in daein' sae they hiv merely pished aroun' the edges, never quite hittin' the middle o' the boul. Thus we hiv Lord Laird oan a big boat wi' a Lambeg, a wheen o' bouncy castles in a field, better toilet facilities an' hens in wee kilts daein' Scottish dancin'. Whilst Ah am all for wee cuddies swirlin' their legs aboot, Ah fur yin feel that this is all a bit like a pastor bringin' a gitar til church an' singin a rack version o' "Whit a Fren' we hiv in Jaysus." Slightly embarrassin' fur all concerned, aside frae Lord Laird wha' saims unembarrassable by anythin'. Therefore Ah tuk the liberty o' establishin' a thinkin tank fur til come up wi' better ways o' improvin' the Twelfth, an' Ah present the findins below.......

The Findins o' the March Thinkin Tank thing established by me.

A) Mair Contentious Marches - "There is nae such thing as bad publicity" said Oscar Wilde yin time, afore he gat hissel in wile buther o'er the heid o' bad publicity Ah assume, an the Marchin Saison lacks thon je nay say qua at the moment. The heidy days o' Drumcree are lang syne past, an oor youth are gettin saft. There is nathin' mair healthy fur a yung man than blackin' the odd road, it combines ootdoor activity wi' social interaction in a way that facebuk an' the Nintendo Wee cannae. Ah am quite sure the o'er surt wud be happy til be offended fur a bit as they wud get all the guid publicity laidin' til a win-win situation all round. In fak, if we thunk hard enough we cud prabably get a crass community grant fur it all.

B) A celebrity element - The Orange Order requires celebrity endorsements, somethin' which cud be achieved through the addition o' some kine o' reality TV type thing. Kinga frae Big Brother, H from Steps, Lembit Optic an' Lulu cud all be invited til live in Portydown fur a lock o' weeks tryin' til learn how til play the Lambeg. Simon Caul an' Sir Lord Alan Sugar cud judge them an' the winnin' team wud get til set light til a Bonefire an laid the parade on the big day.

C) A new dress code - suits an' bowler hats are nat a very fashionable luk, an' gie the wurld's media the appertunity to portray the Ulster Scot as a stern, dull individual. This cud be circumvented by introducin' fancy dress fur the parades. Orangemen dressed as sexy nuns, Fat Elvis an' characters frae Star Wars wud enliven proceedins an' lessen allegations o' sectarianism. Til a certain extent this has already been adapted in Tyrone were everyone dresses up as a farmer, an' by the Blood an Thunder bands who all dress up as Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club.

D)  Pole dancers insteid o' speeches aff the back o' a lorry - only auld folk listen anyway an' it wud quare an' liven up the field.

E) .Better Music - It is a little knain fact that the Ulster Scot invented rack an' roll, somethin' Ah shall prove at some point or o'er, but fur tae lang there has bin a focus on what can be loosely be termed "Orange" music, ignorin' the music o' thon o'er Loyal Order - the Black. Ah am taul that yung folk are mair intil "Music o' Black Origin", sae the Risin' Sons o' William an all shud learn tunes by thon Jay Zed, 50 Pence an' Big Diddy.

Ah hiv thus sent ma suggestions til the Grand Lodge an' hope fur til see them adapted in time fur the 2012 demonstrations. Ah will let yis ken if they get back til me.