Televisual Feastin'

Anyyin oot thar wha fallies Norn Iron television will be fully aware thit the sae called British Braidcastin' Corporation, an' its equally misnomered Ulster Television, are genrally nat the fren' o' the Ulster Scot. Ah hiv bin secreedin til boath channels fur the past thrie days, an' it saims yin o' thim his finally tuk heed o' ma wurds. We here at 1690 kin exclusively (ah think) announce a braw new show oan the BBC, yin designed til both promote the culture an' heritage o the Ulster Scot, wile at the same time fosterin' peace an reconciliation throughoot oor lawnd.....

Presented by tap Ulster Scots TV presentin mawn, Bruce Forsyth (twa surnames, the sign o' the true Scot), an some blonde hen thit ah dinnae recognise but quite like the luk af, this new show will bring taegither folk frae across the various complicated divides thit afflict oor province. The exact fowermat hisnae bin revailed, but ah am reliably informed it will involve odd folk dancin' til some o' the tap Orange Tunes o' the Nineteenth centry.

Shack

As Ulster's tap vaguely cultural site we hiv bin givin' exclusive access til the pairins fur the yinst series. Ah hope yi'll excuse me if a gae a wee bit Blind Date here.....

Cupple Yin.

Silent Sammy will be daein' his best til cause a bit o' Global Warmin fur husky Catriona this weekend. Will she gie him the 11+? (Cannae see it messel, fur a hen like thy'on naids a reel mawn, yin wi a bunker maybes)

Cupple Twa

"Fly me til the Moon" says oor mawn, "Nat in Strangford", says Iris...Will Gay Pride interfere wi' cupple nummer twa?

Cupple Thrie

Twa angry men.

Pole

Furgat the pole. Cudnae be arsed thinkin' oan a new yin. Sae far, we're culturally important. Ah voted Pish messel.

Histry.

Hisnae bin furgat, ah've confused messel o'er the heid o' Christianity, but ah will git back tae it when ah've hid time til think.