UK City o' Culture and Hen Boys.

UK City o' Culture.

A kin proudly announce thit 1690's entry fur UK city o' culture is Ballyhalbert. It wis a close run thing, but in the end the attractions o' yin o' Ard's premier tourist destinations have wun through. Ah think we micht be stretchin' the term city a bit but Lisburn disnae even hiv a hotel an' Ballyhalbert his a rake o' caravan sites.

Ah've dun oot the form an' sent it aff. a picture o' an extract is below. This is oany an expression o' interest form sae ye dinnae hiv tae gae intil any level o' detail. Thus ah hiv time fur tae put taegither ma praper bid o'er the weekend.

Bangkok Hen Boys

Ah gat a quare shack when a lukked at the Belfawst Telegraf the o'er day an' discovered thit a rake o' thy'on Laddie-Boys a fur comin' til Ulster wi' some kine o' durty show. It disnae saim tae lang since they were chainin' up the swings o' a Sunday an' now luk at the levels we've sunk til. We hiv bin debatin' an appropriate reaction here in the 1690 orifice, Ah'm fur protestin', fur this kindae carry-on is an abomination agin the Laird, but Wullie McIlveen an' wee Davy are fur organisin' a work outin' fur til luk at them.

A wide rangin' series o' roun' table discussions fallyed oan frae this, mainly focussin' on how ye micht git tae be a Laddie Boy. Wullie McIlveen hid a few theories, mainly involvin' pumps o' yin type or an o'er, but the oany conclusion we come til is thit it wid be likely fur til be wile sore.*

Pole

Hivin' made nae definite decision as tae how we shud react til thesuns comin' oe'r wi' thar strange hen/mawnness we hid originally planned fur til allow yousuns tae decide whither we shud buk tickets or paint placards. Howiver the discussion on how tae turn yersel intae yin o' thy'on Lady-folk led til an alternative vote - which Stormount Minister wud luk best as a Hen Boy.

* Ah am fur warnin' yis, Auld Knunsden and John Henry in particular, thit this is a family blog, an' awl overly disgustin comments will be deleted by somebody or o'er, eventually.

Video Gamin Bit Twa.

Telegraf

Afore we git oantae the big news fur the week thars bin quare crack in the Tele o'er the heid o' oor wee article. Ah wus a bit taken aback by the fak thit they printed it at awl, and nat sae keen oan thar introduction an' heidline. Fur yin thing, they didnae address messel as Professor, an' saimed til imply thit we micht be some kine o' cod thing, rather than the tap Ulster Scots histerical, campaignin' an' infermation portal. They alsae referred tae Nelson as the "Culchie" minister, even though the Minister fur the culchies is Michelle Gildernew.

A few o' the comments hiv bin interestin'. Ah'm debatin' whether oor nat tae join in messel.

Video Gamin.....

A wheen o' weeks ago we announce thit the Carrickfergus based computer games company Micrasaft hid broke the mould wi the launch o' thar new game - Flute Hero. At the time we hinted thit there wus o'er games in development an' taenicht ah kin brake the news thit "Lambeg Idol" will be released across mid-Ulster sometime in the nixt lock o' days.

With a full celebrity endoresement frae Simon Caul, the game allows ye til either jist hiv a rattle o' the canes in the arcade style or embark oan' a complex career mode. This option allows ye til wurk yer way roun' minor parades an' practices before buildin' up til the big yin - the Markethill drummin' match.Ye kin alsae customise yer drum frae a range o' pictures, an' the delux version includes a complex cane attachment fur yer Wee remotes. Afore ye know it, yi'll be batterin' yer way frae Drumnavaddy til Donaghcloney.

O'er matters: Yin, the Pole

The pole appears fur tae be comin' doon til a straight ficht betwain Ballyhalbert an' Newbuildings. Both towns hiv thar sellin' points, an' it micht be wurth pausin' fur til consider which yin cud take Ulster forward in the UK city o' culture competition.

Newbuildings -

• 
  
  his mair flegs per heid of population thin anywhere in Western Europe
• 
  
  his a Long's supermarket wi' a phone box ootside.
• 
  
  his yin o' the maist original placenames o' awl time
• 
  
  his an MOT centre

Ballyhalbert -

• 
  
  is oan the Ards, fur gawds sake.
• 
  
  his a new shap oan the road til Greyabbey
• 
  
  his its placename in Ulster Scots
• 
  
  is direckly betwain Portavogie an' Ballywalter

It is fur youse tae decide which yin o' these features wud maist influence the judges. Ah reckon thit the presence o' an MOT centre micht swing it fur Newbuildings.

O'er matters: Twa, advice til a hen

Wud somebody plaise tell the fat lass that I saw in Smyth's chip shap oan the Cregagh road this evenin' thit hivin' a tattoo oan each ankle does nat make her intae Angelina Jolie.

Sat Nav

Ah dinnae normally screed oan a Friday nicht, fur fear o' gittin lynched at hame, but nae fewer thin twa o' ma correspondants hiv bin tryin til draw ma attention til a braw new invention fur the Ulster Scot. Ah hiv tae tell them thit ah knew awl aboot it already, but hiv bin keepin' it secert. Garmin, the international Sat Nav manufacturin' company, hiv bin wurkin' wi oorsels fur til develop a Sat Nav model aimed at the Ulster Scot market. The Garmin nuvi 1690 will enable ye tae git safely hame frae oany parade in Ulster.

In order fur til distinguish itsell frae o'er Sat Nav yokes oan the market it his a nummer o' unique features:

• The product is narrated by nain o'er thin Wullie Drennan, star o' Danner wi' Drennan an' heid yin, ah think, o' the Ulster Scots Folk Orchestra. Thus ye kin listen til his wee voice tellin' ye tae "Turn richt in a rake o' yards."
• It his a built in "Traditional Route Finder". Thosuns rerouted frae thar normal road kin by-pass awl polis an' resident's groups an' fine themselves richt back ootside the chapel.
• Spakin' o' which, if ye select the "Big Bang" option, ye kin be alerted til the location o' the o'er sort an stap yer motor fur tae dae extra loud drummin' oan the bonnet.
• At ma request thiv foun' a route frae Londonderry tae Belfast wha' entirely avoids Dungiven. 
• Select the "avoid themuns" option, an' ye kin be taken frae A til B oany gae'in thru areas wi' flegs up. If ye want a route frae Forkhill til Tandragee avoidin' dissident Republican checkpoints, this is the yin fur ye. Rumour his it thit the PSNI hiv bought a lock o' them fur exackly this purpose.
• Which remines me (nat thit ah'm makin this up as ah gae alang) if ye select the PSNI special option it will take ye tae the nearest Chinese avoidin' awl crime hatspats.

A fine addition til the wurld o' gettin Polish lorry drivers lost ah'm sure yil awl agree.

Pole.....

Sammy's hair is officially brock. Surprisinly 5 folk voted fur til giv him five marks fur his hair. Howiver ah checked in the 1690 records an' foun' thit at laist yin vote came frae an IP address registered til a Mr S Wilson.

This weeks vote luks at the controversy aboot which toon shud be Norn Iron's entry intae the UK City o' Culture. It saims a bit rich fur themuns in the Maiden City even fur tae gae fur this title, but ah'm fur hopin' thit the fak thit nain o' them kin write the wurd "London" will main thit thar entry gits lost in the post. Equally Belfast is a bit o' hole, whit wi' the folk wha' live in it mainly atin' Pot Noodle an' the slowness o' the main evenin' newspaper in printin' important articles. Therefower ah am fur naminatin' a few differen' locations worthy o' the title.

Televisual Feastin'

Anyyin oot thar wha fallies Norn Iron television will be fully aware thit the sae called British Braidcastin' Corporation, an' its equally misnomered Ulster Television, are genrally nat the fren' o' the Ulster Scot. Ah hiv bin secreedin til boath channels fur the past thrie days, an' it saims yin o' thim his finally tuk heed o' ma wurds. We here at 1690 kin exclusively (ah think) announce a braw new show oan the BBC, yin designed til both promote the culture an' heritage o the Ulster Scot, wile at the same time fosterin' peace an reconciliation throughoot oor lawnd.....

Presented by tap Ulster Scots TV presentin mawn, Bruce Forsyth (twa surnames, the sign o' the true Scot), an some blonde hen thit ah dinnae recognise but quite like the luk af, this new show will bring taegither folk frae across the various complicated divides thit afflict oor province. The exact fowermat hisnae bin revailed, but ah am reliably informed it will involve odd folk dancin' til some o' the tap Orange Tunes o' the Nineteenth centry.

Shack

As Ulster's tap vaguely cultural site we hiv bin givin' exclusive access til the pairins fur the yinst series. Ah hope yi'll excuse me if a gae a wee bit Blind Date here.....

Cupple Yin.

Silent Sammy will be daein' his best til cause a bit o' Global Warmin fur husky Catriona this weekend. Will she gie him the 11+? (Cannae see it messel, fur a hen like thy'on naids a reel mawn, yin wi a bunker maybes)

Cupple Twa

"Fly me til the Moon" says oor mawn, "Nat in Strangford", says Iris...Will Gay Pride interfere wi' cupple nummer twa?

Cupple Thrie

Twa angry men.

Pole

Furgat the pole. Cudnae be arsed thinkin' oan a new yin. Sae far, we're culturally important. Ah voted Pish messel.

Histry.

Hisnae bin furgat, ah've confused messel o'er the heid o' Christianity, but ah will git back tae it when ah've hid time til think.

Spam

Ye ken Spam? Normally ah ignore it, but ah want til live wi Fernando Jude, wha' e-screeded me taenicht.

"Hello ,I saw your profile on the web for the Flat wanted.If you would be interested, I have a nice beautifull 3 bed-room Flat for rent. I am an easy-going person, love to meet new people, most especially foreign visitors. It's a very secure place to live,a free environment to interact with neighbours if you want. A close place to many Social amenities. Full of home recreational facilities like swimming pool, snookers table and each room connected to a free internet Access.I was looking for three flat mates to occupy the home in which one of the aprtment has been occupied, you can email back on this id ................"

Ah reckon he micht be an Ulster Scot, fur he refers tae a "Snookers table".

Ah didnae want a flat. Ah wis happy enough livin' in the the back arse o' naewhar but thy'on souns grate. Ye widnae catch me near the pool mind, fur folk pish in them.

Jist a pole fur nathin his occured.

Nutrition

Nathin' his happened this week sae far fur me tae report, exept thit the healthy types in ma wurk giv oot tae me fur hivin' pickled onion Monster Munch fur breakfast. Whit wis ah tae dae? Ah wis oan the road tae early fur the sausage baps tae be ready in the petrol station! Ah believe themuns in wurk tae be wrang, an' thit corn based snacks are an essential part o' a balanced diet. Thus ah hiv added a pole wi a simple aye/naw anser.


Ah hiv included this food groups graphic frae the Hame Economics Dept o' Lisnafiffy Creationist College tae see if it helps yer deliberations.


TV


Aside frae thy'on ah'm glad tae see thit Gary an' Danielle gat thar jist deserts in the last pole. Ah hiv e-screeded the results tae the BBC tae see if they'll take it aff. Incidentally ma BBC contak replied tae the e-screed thit ah mentioned in the comments a wheen o' posts ago. Awl she said wis thit she cudnae be arsed watchin' it hersel.


Fur Sale.


Wi' the new auld car oan the road ah'm stuck wi the aulder auld yin. Dis oanybody want til buy a 1994 Mitsubishi Pajero import wi' 265,000 Kilometres oan it? It his a crack in the windscreen an' the aerial willnae gae doon but thars a fair bit o' towin' left in the auld yoke. Shid dae a boy wi' a few acres an' access tae red diesel fur a lock o' miles yit.


Mad foreign stuff.


Ah jist found this.

Banner

Ah made a banner thing fur the tap. Whit dae yis think oan it?
(Think ah naid til luk at it agin. It luks grawnd oan ma laptap, but crap oan ma auld desktap - ah cannae git a hannle oan this IT thing at awl.)

These are grate

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/8167444.stm

Particularly Wee Dafties.

Fake Tan

Taeday Mrs McWilliams visited a fake tannin' place. This is an uncommen occurence, fur Mrs McWilliams usually cannae be arsed wi' that kindae carry on. Nivertheless her skin noo carries the lustre o' Ghandi after a hallyday an' ah dinnae knaw whar til luk. Thar are sum oot thar wha wid proclaim thit an "all over tan" is an abomination aginst the Laird, an' thit a tan shud oany be frae the elbows doon an' the neck up , but ah'm nat yin o' them. Howiver ah hiv til say thit if wimmin want "all over tans" they shud cut the grass in the nip, nat pay guid money fur it. Thy'ons whit ah dae.

Mair til the point hersel described the fake tannin' process til me, an' ah reckon ah've hit oan a new joab. Thar are twa ways o' doin' it.

Yin. Sum girl sprays ye frae heid til toe oot o' a fake tan gun. Ah've sprayed weeds, fences, cattle an' sheep, an' reckon ah cud be the mawn fur that. Apparently the weemen are near as guid as nakd when it's gittin' dun. Jaipers.

Twa. Ye dinnae jist spray them, ye rub it oan. In the name o' the Laird, whit kindae joab is thy'on? Ah kin rub wi' the best o' them (this is his wife speaking. I just came in to ask him to make me an espresso and found him licking his lips. I'm quite sure that all of the above is illegal. p.s i've never written on this site before and i don't intend to again. Thanks, H.)

Ignore thy'on interjection, I dinnae even knaw whit an' 'espressio' is, unless its sum kindae fancy tae.

Back tae fake tan. Sae ah've wurked oot thit the best joab in the wurld is dain' the fake tan fur weemin. Ma previous best joab wis bein' the bra measurin' up person in Marks an' Sparks, but it saims wi' the fake tannin' industry ye git "hawns oan" sae tae spake. Howiver ah am nathin' if nat a realist. If ah git doon tae "Ballyclare Brown Babes" they arnae goantae giv me a joab, fur ah'm a mawn. But, an' its a big but, if ah git messel tae the tech' fur a coorse, they kin hardly turn me doon. Ah'll git tae practise rubbin' stuff in, an' micht even git a City an' Guilds oot o' it. Jaipers wudn't it be guid if Iris Robinson turned up tae help oot the students...........

Yince ah git ma diploma an' open 'Orange fur Ulster' ah will introduce a new chargin' policy. Due tae the fak that Mrs McWilliams is richt an' wee, she barely uses up haff a tube o' the tannin' stuff, an yit she pays the same as a fat lass. Thar is manies a big brown lukkin' hen oot thar, an ah reckon ye shud pay by the poun'. Nat that ah'd be the mawn rubbin' it in, ah wud employ an underling fur the big gurls, an' save messel fur Strangford MPs.

Exchange Programin'

Ano'er wee yin the nicht fur ah am fur ma hallydays oan Wednesday, an' ah hiv tae pack. After a spell o'er Easter doon the Ards lukkin at the wee fat folk, the McWilliamses are fur goin foreign this July, tae Scotland tae luk at mair wee fat folk. Ah knaw whit yis are goantae say, "Whit in the name o' the Laird is Billy McWilliams daein' goin' awa oe'r the Twelfth, shudn't he be oot the front o' Lisnafiffy Purple Helmets wi' his apron oan?"

Normally ah wid, but the year ah've agraid til tak part in a kultural exchange programme whereby ah tak messel til Scotland til luk at thar beer an' fat folk, an' the Scots send Artur Boruc til put a light til the big bonefire oan the rocks at Ballyhalbert. It is hoped that awl parties will benefit frae this sharin' o' diverseness an' the like.

As wi' ma trip til Scotland fur tae see Ireland bate the auld country at rugby, reported in March, it is richt an' aisy til predict the ootcome o' this hallyday. The McWilliamses are mair than likely til dae the fallyin'

Yin. Argue aboot how much stuff Mrs McWilliams naids til bring wi her.

Twa. Visit shaps

Thrie. Visit a castle

Fower. Visit swings

Five. Gae tae Inverary an' luk at a boat.

Sax. Argue aboot how much stuff Mrs McWilliams brung back wi' her that she never wore.

Ah will alsae experiment wi' brown beer at ivry opportuntity, an' shud hiv access til a computer thing sae micht update oan oor whereaboots.

International Madness

The Ulster Scots akademic interweb went clean mental o'er the weekend wi' perhaps as many as a rake o' folk landin' oan oor site laivin' comments an' the like. Ah now need tae put links oan ma site til these new folk, but ah havnae gat roun' tae it yet. Ah apologise fur ma slowness, but yinst ah naid til raid yer blogs til see if any o' yis keek wi' the o'er futt, fur a widnae want til link til anythin' which tuk the hawn oot o' the Ulster Scot.

Pole

Ma aulder brother claims that this weeks pole, suggestin' that the wurld wud be a better place wi'oot sum o' Norn Iron's tap celebrities, is in bad taste. Ah think this is rich comin' frae him, considerin' whit ah hid til delete frae ma comments oan the Saubeth mornin', howiver ah concede that he micht hiv a point. Ah hiv therefower added a new pole tae test the watter.

Tapical Things*, fur we are a tapical site*

Deid Folk.

The entertainin' industry his bin racked this last wheen o' days by the passin o' twa o' the gratest entertainers the wurld his seen. The passin' o' Michael Jackson wis bad enough, but now we are faced wi' the loss o' Mollie Sugden. As ah' screed thousans o fans wurldwide are bukkin' thar tickets til visit Grace Bruthers, near til England, tae pay tribute til the hen wha' kept losin' her Pussy in the mid seventies.

"But whit his this gat tae dae wi' the Ulster Scot?" ah hear yis cry, fur the yinst time in ages. The anser shud be obvious(ish). As a yung man Michael Jackson's da Joe wis nicknamed "Stonewall" by his pals in Portrush Primary Skool. Emigratin' betwain 1896 an 1927 , he went oan tae father yin o' the gratest Ulster Scots pap icons iver. (Other grate Ulster Scots pap icons include Take Thy'on, wi' ma nephew Rabbie McWilliams, Madonney an' Noddy Hauler aff Slade). Jackson remained true til his roots pennin' hit tunes such as Bate it an' Wullie John - a tribute tae Ulster Rugby Legend WJ McBride, but he wis forced tae change the name o' the tune by his record company.

Mainwile Mollie Sugden - whit makes her an' Ulster Scot? The best ah kin dae is tae claim that the Christian name o' Mrs Slocombe wis Lily.

Thy'ons nat the point, howiver, themuns are deid whilst others live, an' cannae deserve tae dae sae. That is the point o' this weeks pole.

Ulster Scots Academy.

Some consternation o'er the heid o' the Ulster Scots Academy this week.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/8128016.stm
Some oot thar are claimin' it is a "non-existant" academy, costin' over £7 million. This is Ballicks, fur we here at 1690 are that academy, fur ye kin sit aroun' drunk in yer pants, git degrees an' everythin' jist like a real University.

Rude Place Name Pole

Ah furgat Muff, whit kin a say? Ringsend wins, an' rightly sae o'er the heid o' the opposition. Howiver wi' nae Muff ah declare this pole null an' void.

Tennis

Fur yince ah am tapical, fur the match oany finished 5 minutes ago. Ah wis bildin' up fur a Wimbleden specil oan how Andy Murray is an Ulster Scot descendeded frae Col Adam Murray, hero o' the Siege o' Londonderry, but now ah cannae be arsed. Fur bye tennis is a hen's game, an' the true sport o' the Ulster Scot is motorcycle road racin'.

*Tapicality is entirely based oan raidin' last weeks papers.

Kultural Laziness

A nummer o' yis hiv bin askin after "Busty Ballymena - When Braid Gurls git Bad" - lukkin' how til fine it. Ah cudnae link tae a site like thy'on, an' a wudnae, o' coorse, knaw how tae git til it, but a dae hiv this yin pictur. Fine lukkin' gurls yil agree.

Nat a real update taenicht fur ah'm tired oot an' hiv tae git til the dacturs in the mornin' tae see if he'll lance a boil. Instied ah'm goin tae cheat by trawlin' youse tube tae find Ulster Scots, an Scots, kultural extravaganzas.

In Yin: A bonnie wee lad singing like some kind o' prevert

In Twa: A beautiful an' edukational poem. Make sure tae listen the hole way thru.

In Thrie: The History o' Ulster Scots sung by a mentalist.

An' that'll dae fur the noo, ah taul ye ah wis lazy the nicht. Ah shud add, keep yer comments comin' oe'r the heid o' the previous post. Ah'm revisin' fur a big drinkin' session wi' Peter an' Iris in the Stormount bar.

Drinkin' games

Unusally ah'm fur a Friday nicht update. Mrs McWilliams is at the Anahilt Presbyterian Ladies nicht oot, an wee Billy is at his nanny's, laivin' me wi' nathin else tae dae except lie aroun' in ma undergarments tryin' tae resist the temptation o' websites the likes o' "Busty Ballymena" (When Braid Gurls git Bad).

Thus ah wis googlin' away, researchin histerical an enviromental matters, when ah came across this site - Re: Cycle Bicycle aid fur Africans . A guid cause yil agree, but whit gat me wis thar clever way o' usin' the Re: an' stickin it wi the cycle. Fur ye see it's aboot cycles and aboot recyclin'. Pure genius. This ploy shud be used by mair folk, ah wish ah'd thunk o' it messel, fur ah wud o' called this site Re:Ballicks.

Howiver it led me oan til thinkin' an' ah hiv invented til messel a braw new drinkin' game. Ah micht copyrite it, but fur the noo its called the "Make up charities an' the like wi' Re: in the name wile quick or else drink a shot o' Wullie McIlveens home made rocket fuel game". Note ye must discribe the group, an' it his tae be a real wurd, an' Irish is barred.

Ah will giv' some examples below, fur things that ah made up, fur ah hiv nathin' better til dae.

Made up things wi' Re: in them

Re: Peat - The support netwurk fur Turf Diggers.

Re: Lax - Lazy Folk Anonymous.

(Ye git the idea noo?)

Re: Populate - Anti-Condom Protest Society

Re: Member - The male ex porn star's support group.

Re: Port - Fur themuns wha live in Larne.

Re: Flex - the national union fur electricians.

Re: Putable - The Society fur Placin' Wee Things Wile Careful.

Re: Cant - The Viagra Users Association

Re: Pent - National Society fur People who cannae Control thar Anger.

Re: Late -

Re: Publican - Derry Vintners Club.

Re: Invigorate - the social club fur the girls frae "Busty Ballymena".


Ah'm sure yis kin think oan mair. Fur noo ah'm aff til Busty Ballymena, fur til see if thy'on big gurl frae the Mace is oan the nicht. Fur research puposes oany. But she is big.