Friday, 13 November 2009

1690's guide tae Wurld Religins

As usual ah hiv somethin' til say afore ah begin the main diatribe, this time aimed at Rosie frae the Plum who his escreeded til me tae complain aboot a lack o' topical political postin' here oan the blog. Thrie points Rosie:
Yin: Nathin changes - themuns argue wi' ooruns etc etc etc.
Twa: Mafia Wars
Thrie: Cannae be arsed.


Howiver the wurld o' religins his bin takin by storm by somethin' involvin' the Pope an' the Archbishop o' Canterbury. Ah hivnae takin' much notice, bein' a Bible believin' fundamentiaslist ah am better than ivrybudy else.  Wi' thy'on in mind ah accidentally did a "knae yer bible" quiz oan the facebuk thing, oan which ah scored surprisinly high (fur ah'm half pished). Thy'on gat me tae thinkin' oan how much ma raiders truely knae aboot the various wurld faiths? Nat much, ah'd imagine, especially since some o' them micht be Americans or, indaid, the o'er sort. Thus ah bring ye ma personal guide til the religins o' the wurld.

Yin: Muslims an' Jews

Nat normally lumped taegither, but boun' by a common thread - lack o' bacon. Fur gawds sake. An they tend fur til live in hat places an' be quite angry. About everything. Whit we here at 1690 say is "Wise up Muslims an' Jews, luk at whit unites ye, nat whit divides yis." Aside frae bacon ah'm nat sure whit thy'on micht be, a fondness fur crossness maybe.

Twa: Buddism

Ah think they do Karma. This is o' coorse, the ancient philosophy o' Swings an' Roundabouts, as invented in the Portavogie playpark aroun' 235 BC. There is oany yin problem wi' this philosophy, Sammy Wilson.

Thrie: Presbyterianism

Presbyterians believe that everybody else is wrong and they are right. Ye kin be a Woman pastor but nat a Gay. Nat sure why, fur both will talk aboot shoes.The bible ends at the Old Testament

Fower: Anglican

Anglicans believe that everybody else is right an that they are required to cry about it and apologise. The bible begins at the New Testament. They think its OK fur ye tae be Gay oor a Woman an' still be a pastor. Except lots of them don't believe thy'on sae they're bucked.

Five: the o'er surt

Roman Catholics believe that everybody else is wrong an' they are right, an' are therefore entitled tae crab oan aboot it an' stap folk hivin' sex. The bible begins after the New Testament, wheniver they started makin' stuff up. There is nae danger o' wimmin gittin' til be their pastors, an' there are absolutely nae Gay yins. They alsae like tae try an get the maist mental Anglican tae join them,

Sax: Shintoism

Nae idea. Micht involve ancestors.

Sevin: Free Prebyterianism.

Thank god fur yin sensible church.


Fat Sparrow said...

"Aside frae bacon ah'm nat sure whit thy'on micht be, a fondness fur crossness maybe."

They both like to chop off bits of boy babies' willies. I don't know what that has to do with not liking bacon, but being somewhat of a conspiracy theorist I suspect there is some connection.

Manuel said...

I worship at the church of Morrissey.....true story

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

I touched Morrissey once, in Dundee, 1992 or 3. Cannae remember when, fur ah wus pished.