Right - Ballix til yer woman
The folk of the wider wurld, an' ah include paliticians o' all ilks in that, tend fur til view the complex culture o' the Ulster Scot through the prism o' marchin', flute bawnds an' lambegs. All are fine things but whilst Orangefest, oor whitiver its calt, has its place, it is oany a drap in the complex cultural ocean that makes up the Ulster Scot's psyche. This week offers an explosion o' such delights, as it brings til oor fair shores the glories of the Balmoral Show and the Nairth West Twa Hunner. In order fur til facilitate the unititiated intil these twa pillars o' Ulster grateness, ah prupose fur til gie yis a brief guide til whit til expect, an' the social etikette required shud ye decide til visit either occasion.
The Balmoral Show
The oany time ye shud be in a town is fur a market or a march, o'er wise there is divilment in them, the roads are wile hard tae cross an' ye get bad luks in yer tractor. Except Ballymena.
Thus in 18 somethin' or o'er a devoted bawnd o' animal enthusiasts resolved fur til bring the country folk intil Belfawst, much til the chag rin o' the folk livin' there taeday, fur they hiv three days o' folk drivin' wile slow, wavin' at everybody oot their windaes, and stappin' oan the westlink til talk til the boy in the car next til him. Ah wud urge all country folk til dae sae wi' pride, slow the bastards doon fur a wheen o' days.
Whit til say - The fallyin' phrases are wurth mindin'. "Grawnd day fur it", "Luk at the hocks on thy'on?", "Where is the grant tent?", "Dae ah git a free Newsletter wi' that?", "When is Hugo Duncan oan?" "Ah am aff fur til luk at them new Rennold tractors."
Whit nat tae say - "The boys and I come here every year, it is important for them to understand where their food comes from." "Is there a vegetarian option?" "Renault". Alsae dinnae say anythin aboot the o'er surt - they are allowed til come til this, it is nat the Twelfth.
Whit til drive - in an ideal wurld a Massey Ferguson 135 circa 1965. If nat, a 1987 landrover defender wi a sheep in the back ye furgat tae let oot. Bascially any yoke built before 1995 that has muck on it and his its spare wheel on the ootside.
Food - If yer smart ye kin ate an' drink fur next til nathin', though mainly yogurts an' milk. Howiver a true Ulster Scot willnae waste his money oan the o'er priced brock oan offer, he brings his ain sangwiches, in a Mother's Pride bag oor an auld shortbread tin. The odd poke is essential, even if its pishin'.
Smells - smells are an inherent part o' the Balmoral Show, an' shud nat be commentated upon. This provides an ideal opportunity fur til add smells o' yer ain wi' naebudy noticin'.
The Nairth West
As ah hiv explained afore in these pages - motorcycle road racin' is the true sport o' the Ulster Scot bringin', as it does, the richt fur til black roads an' cause climate change at the yin time. It his the advantage in bein' helt in the traditional hallyday destination o' the hamely folk, as well as hivin' a complex plethora o' accents oan display frae the riders. Nat fur Joey Dunlap an' the boys the metrosexuality o' yer David Beckhams or Christiano Ronaldos, ye drive yer ain van an' luk like a farmer at all times.
Nairth West Twa Hunner Etikette.
Whit til say - "Jays thy'on boy is goin' at a quare rate." "Yeoooooo" (when prizes are awarded, or when some boy gaes fast roun' a bend". "Suckin' deisel" "Keep er lit" "When is the funeral?"
Whit nat tae say - "This is a disgrace, I have to get to my work". Anythin' aboot the environment. Anythin aboot danger, noise, bannin' it or the like. As wi' Balmoral, there may be o'er surt at it, sae nathin' aboot themuns.
Whit til drive - a motorcycle, obviously, although a truck is a good secondary option. Vans with things like "Keep er Lit" in the windaes an' yer name doon the side.
Food - disnae really matter, fur whitever ye git will gie ye the shits.
Smells - petrol an'o'er fumes are prevelent. Alsae shite (see food). Chemical toilets.
In summary ah wish ye well which iver o' these cultural events ye choose fur til attend. On nae account talk til any paliticians, they oany gie til them til make it luk as if they're half interested in anythin' we think.
Other things -
Ah decided fur til ignore yer woman. Howiver ah intend til git oantil her youse tube thing an' sleg her auld brock music. Ah was slightly concerned thit when a considered retirement 6 people clicked "grand" oan the thing. Nat sure whit til make o' that. In the maintime oor pole luks at the cultural delights thit await us the week.