The campaign is almost at an end, thank the Laird, an' it is time fur us here at 1690 til officially endorse the candidacy o' the folk that are chasin' yer vote. Messel an' a tap taim o' palitical analists sat up til wile late last nicht arguin' the toss o'er who we shud throw oor weicht behine this time roun' an' cudnae agree oan yin party o'er the o'er. Thus we hiv drew up a list o' candidates fur til recommend in each invididual constitititunency.
Who til vote fur.........
Aist Antrim - Sir Sammy of Wilson (DUP), obviously, fur the wee cheeky chappy brings a smile til all oor faces wi' his antics. The oany doonside is that we micht lose his knowledge an' skills in Stormount if they get rid o' double jobbin.
Aist Londonderry - Willie Ross (TUV) - mainly due til his age. Nat votin' fur him wud be like kickin' an auld boy's walkin' stick oot frae unner him. Thy'on wud hiv made a damn guid election slogan. Vote fur Wullie - fur he is auld but he is beautiful.
Aist Belfast - Trevor Ringland (UCUNF) - an ability at Rugby is singularly useful in parliment. By the luks o' Naomi she'd be handy in the front row hersell but Trevor's international experience raises him above her. Alsae the name Ringland is inherintly amusin', sound's like some kindae hemeroid based theme park.
Fermanagh an' South Tyrone - Rodney Connor (Ind). Gerry putt me clean aff wee Michelle last nicht. Whit daes it matter whether she's a young mother. She's never at her wurk anyhow.
Foyle an' Londonderry - Martina Anderson (Shinner) - A bit o' a lukker, especially compared til Mark Durkan. As the Shinner's Direcktor of Unionist Engagement she is doin' sterlin' work in an' around Newbuildins. Plus she has a guid Ulster Scots surname.
Lagan Valley - Wee Daphne (UCUNF) -Substantially less likely til claim for videos in hotels ah reckon, and ah hate Daniel O'Donnell an' his incredibly smug little face.
Mid Ulster - Ian McCrea (DUP) - fur ah'm frens wi' him oan facebuk. He's never done playin' volley ball an' is rubbish at word games.
Newry an' Armagh - Naebudy, fur ah dinnae like any o' them. Stay at hame an' cut the grass.
North Belfast - A tough yin here. Gerry his a very entertainin' accent an' Dodd's face makes me laugh. Howiver ah am fur Martin McCauley (Ind), only because his fren' has amusin' hair an' his policies oan wimmin' drivin'.
North Antrim - the toughest o' the lat ah' reckon. Ian Jr or Gentleman Jim, the choice is too much fur me til cope wi'. Ah hiv come doon oan the side o' Jim (TUV) fur his angry face is very entertainin' an' Ian Jr depresses the shite oot o' me jist by lukkin'.
North Down - Liam Logan (SDLP) fur he is a prapur Ulster Scots spaker - nat like the rest o' them. Lady S' is a fine figure o' a woman but she luks as if she micht hiv a brakedoon any minute, the hair has gone buck mental of late. Can't mind any o'ers.
South Antrim - Lord Reginald of Empey (UCUNF) - Ach jist luk at his wee face. It is wile important fur us til send a Simpsons character til Westminister, an' Wullie McCrea is an arse.
South Belfast - Ah personally hate Jimmy Spratt. Ah hid a ficht wi' him in real life yince. The man is a buffoon. Yer Doctor man saims nice but there is a shortage o' GPs an' he shud get back til his work. Therefower we support wee Anna Lo (Alliance) fur she's wile smiley lukkin'.
South Down - Wee Margaret Ritchie (SDLP) - Ah think she is pure class. Mad hand gestures an' an unusual stop start spakin' manner hivnae prevented her frae stickin' it til the Shinners.
Strangford - Ach Iris, where are ye when ah naid ye. Ah hiv considered Mike Nesbitt aff the TV but he never saims til wash his hair. Ah dinnae like the luk o' the o'ers either sae its goantae be Mickey Coogan (Shinner), fur ah've never heard o' him an' he hasnae a cats chance anyhow.
Upper Bann - Harry Hamilton (UCUNF) - fur god sake the man impersonates the Queen, how more loyal can ye get? Simpson is an arsehole anyhow. Ah considered Davey Griffin o' the Alliance because ah like him but his Queen impression is brock.
West Belfast - Bill "Captain" Manwering (UCUNF) - the oany man likely fur til unsait Gerry.
West Tyrone - Ma ain constituency. Normally ah back anyyin called Hussey due tae the quality o' their surname but this time ah'm fur Michael Bower (Alliance) fur ah knae him an' dinnae knae the o'ers. An' he's richt an' smart an' its time he gat a prapur jab, faffin' aboot Belfast wi' his education. Sort yersel oot.
By ma reckonin' if the guid people o' Ulster are wise an fally ma advice oor 18 MPs shud be:
1 nobody - which is the same as a Shinner sae we shud add yin oantil them.