Belfast

Ah hid occasion fur til visit Belfast o'er the weekend, attendin' high level Ulster Scots talks an' drinkin' sessions in oor nation's alleged capital*. Whilst there Ah spent a wee while observin' the ways o' the City Folk, bein', as they are, markedly differn frae the rest o' us.

Pub Toilets

Obviously high level Ulster Scots talks are helt in a drinkin' establishment, but when Ah ventured til the toilet ah was shacked fur til fine a sinister lukkin' boy stannin' in the corner wi' an array o' perfumery. Nat bein' Oh Fay wi' the ways o' the city pub,  Ah wisnae sure whit he wus fur, wonderin' til messel whether he was expected til haul Wee Billy at the pisher, a matter o' some concern til messel as ah hid bought new pants an' cudnae fine the exit hole**. Oan returnin' til ma table ah was informed thit he wud let ye spray yersel frae his range o' scents, a pointless persuit fur ah hid gie me oxters a fair dose o' Brut afore Ah went oot. Fur gawd's sake, can ye imagine thy'on in prapur pubs, sure there'd be nay room in the toilet fur the boy in the first place, an' he'd maist likely get a slap fur hingin' aboot them.

Weemin Folk

Jays but they show a lock o' bosom oan a nicht oot. This is a guid thing which Ah suggest we adopt in the country forthwith. Ah shall raise it at the lodge.

All Nicht Garages.

We dinnae hiv these, but they are class. Ah hiv an' o'erwhelming desire fur til go til yin wi' ma big shappin', fur the wee boy inside wud hiv til run aboot lukkin for yer stuff an' ye cud jist raid the paper while ye wait. The o'er folk in the queue wudnae mine Ah think, fur sae far as Ah cud see all they were buyin' was Cigarette paper an' immense quantities o' snacks.

Recreational Riotin'

Disnae exist in the country, but shud be encouraged fur the young folk o' the city. Far tae many city wains lie aboot playin' oan X Baxes, an' this riotin' provides much naided exercise whilst allowin' them til engage in essential cross-community activity. Howiver Ah hiv deduced thit this must be wile annoyin' fur the folk whit live roun' their chosen patch. Thus Ah propose the erection o' a National Recreational Riotin' Stadium, where the wains can meet up an' demolish eacho'er til their hearts content. A range o' defunct motors cud be provided fur burnin', alang with auld milk bottles an' the like, encouragin' enviromentalist reuse an' recyclin. Furthermair, the erection o' a stand fur veiwin' wud be a valuable boon til the tourist industry, an' perhaps the rioters cud be encouraged fur til adopt the clothin' o' the 1970s, providin' an histerical re-enactment twist til this interestin' cultural activity.

O'er Matters.

The Rev Dr Big Ian Paisley is now The Rev Dr Big Lord Backside o' Somewhere. This was ah histerical moment, placin' the great dissenter at the heart o' the establishment. Howiver ah wud like fur til point oot that he looked a richt arse in his robes.


* Real Capital is Larne

** Fur why wud anybody make pants wi' nae exit hole? Ah hiv checked the label, they are men's pants. Fur gawds sake am Ah meant fur til drop the breeks like a wain? Ah am fur writin' til Sainsbury's.