Howiver that is nat the issue in hawn', fur hivin' bin invited til said binge Ah was shacked til fine it is in a part o' the occupied 3 counties knain as the Gaeltacht. Thus, hivin' set aff in ma motor, merrily fallyin' ma designated route oan the map, ah wus faced wi' a barrage o' nonsensical signs which bore nae resemblence til the placenames that Ah was seekin'. Worse still, oan assemblin' in the pub wi' ma fella delegates, the folk in it were nat oany spakin' the Gaeltacht, but were conversin' in a strange dialect unrecognisable til those used til the cultured Irish language spake by Gerry Adams oan the television set.
Anyhow, in mair sober moments it brung me mine back til a suggestion Ah put til Nelson McCauseland a' lock o' months back - thit a Scotstacht shud be established whereby oor language cud be cherished an' promoted. The twa areas are very similar, beautiful scenery, lots o' sea, an' a huge quanity o' hooses occupied fur twa weeks a year by Belfast folk. Hivin' seen the Free State boys in action, ah wud like fur til take this idea further by suggestin thit the Ards shud be made monolingual forthwith. Tae my mine, this wud be relatively aisily achieved by simply copyin' the Gaeltacht folk's manoevures -
Road Signs - shud be in somethin' naebudy unnerstawns. At the moment the folk up the Ards hiv both the Ulster Scots an' the Inglis', dae awa' wi' the latter. Talbotstoon an' Greba are there already, Ah wud suggest we call Bangor, Bengor; Carrowdore, Carrydour an' Millisle, The Hole.
Shaps - Like the Gaeltacht area, all prices shud be extortionately raised beyon the means o' all but the super rich. A packet o' fegs shud cost £8.50 an' a can o' beer £2.53. Ah got aroun' this in the Free State by bringin' an immense quantity o' beer wi' me an' refusin' til move. The money raised cud pay fur til put awl the signs oan the shaps intil the hamely tongue and til convert weights an' measures intil the standard Ulster Scots yins o' wheens, locks an' rakes.
Banks - Ah noted thit the banks are alsae in the Gaeltacht language. Thus a visit til the cashpoint was extremely confusin'. It tuk me a fair lock o' minutes til realise that Banc na Eireann was actually ma destination til start wi', then the machine offered me a choice o' Inglis an' An Gaelige. Nae Ulster Scots ah noticed. In the Scotstacht the cashpoints shud likewise be in Ulster Scots. Insteid o' sayin "Please enter your pin" it should say "Stick in yer nummer ye boy ye an' make sure naebudies lukkin'." Likes wise "Do you want advice with that transaction" shud say "Thy'ons a fair amoont yer fur takin' oot, dinnae spen' it awl in the yin shap."
Folk - The folk shud all spake broad Ulster Scots, but then be unable til read somethin' in the language when asked til dae sae by a casual visitor. This appears fur til be the norm in the Gaeltacht.
Schools - the schools shud prepare the wains o' the Ards fur the C21st by teachin' them nathin but Ulster Scots, creationism, bonefire erection, murial paintin', Scottish dancin' an' the flute. Til a certain extent a pilot scheme fur this is already in operation in Portavogie.
Racent events hiv highlighted the urgent naid fur recreational riotin' facilities in Belfast, as Ah suggested a wheen o' posts ago. Twa burds cud be kilt wi' yin stain Ah reckon, fur the contentious paraders cud march roun' the facility in front o' the rioters aforehawn, thus allayin' them til get their blood up sufficiently an' in turn minimisin' traffic disruption til the ordinary citizen. Polis tactics wudnae naid til change, fur they cud jist stan' an watch frae a distance an' arrest naebudy. At o'er times o' the year the local youths cud engage in community murial paintin' aroun the facility, an' then vandalise eacho'ers after.