Ah'll admit thit there hasnae bin much happenin' in these parts this last wee while. This is due til complex socio-economic issues an alcohol, mainly, but Ah cudnae help but noticin' that there is a wee job opportunity in the UCUNFs. Ah cudnae let such an' opportunity pass me by, an hiv therefore bin persuaded til join the campaign til be laider o' the UUP. Ah' hiv screeded til them just now, an' hiv made a pole whereby ye can register yer support.
Dear Ulster Unionist Folk
As you will be aware Sir Reg of Empey has stud down an left the position o' laider o' yer party clean empey. Ah have bin fallyin' developments in the paper, an notice that oany twa candidates, Ah think, hiv come forward, namely yer boy frae Fermanagh an' the Rev Wullie McCrea. Ah was thinkin' that thy'on field is wile narra', an' was therefore nat shacked til approached by senior party figures fur til stawn messel*.
Ah hiv giv this matter some thocht, several beer's worth in fact, an' hiv decided fur til throw ma bowler intil the ring. Ah'll admit Ah'm nat a member, but the neither is Wullie McCrea, an' Ah kin join after Ah git elected. Ah hope fur til bring a modernisin' an' forward lukkin' approach til the campaign, an' list ma palicies below......
Yin: The tie up wi' the Tories was a ballix, sae we'll dump them an' get in cahoots wi' Red China. They hiv more money an' can encourage inward investment (Ah hiv bin learnin' wurds like thy'on ready for the election)
Twa: We need fur til get mair o' the o'er surt til vote fur us. Ah wud suggest that a rake o' senior figures shud spell their names wrang frae the noo. Thus Daphne Trimble wud become Daomphni Ni Trimbhhlle and David McNarry shud be Daffied og MacNearrphy. Ah'm taul the o'er sure are clean mad fur the odd names, sae thy'on will attract themuns.
Thrie: The DUPers reckon they hiv the Ulster Scots vote sewed up, oany because they elected a lunatic in Strangfurd. As a tap Ulster Scots figure messel, Ah will bring the hamely folk in behine us. Unner ma laidership we will spake in Ulster Scots in the Arsembly, an' all MLA's will wear Kilt/Bowler hats ensembles fur media appearances.
Fower: The Economy - is ballixed Ah reckon. Economic growth an' inward investment (see) will be encouraged through mair folk workin' fur cash in hand, thus enablin' them til claim the brew at the same time. This will stimulate somethin'. Incidentally Ah wurk fur cash oany, but we can sort that after Ah'm in.
Five: Corporation Tax. Ah dinnae knae whit thy'on is, sae Ah think we shud increase it or scrap it, dependin' oan what the English make us do.
Sax: Unionist Unity: We tell the DUPers they can join us any time they like, if they dinnae want til they can get til fek.
Lots of Love
Professor Billy McWilliams
Heid Yin o' 1690 an all thon, website/palitical think tank.
*(Ah admit thit this approach was limited til yin o' yer councillors walkin' past me the o'er day)