It was wi' much fanfare that the forthcomin' weddin' o' the future King Billy V an' Queen Kate (?) was announced the day. Noo it may come as a surprise til many o' yis, but Ah am whit ye micht describe as a "Cromwellian" when it comes til royalty, an' it saims til me thit the buggers are wheeled oot til get wed whenever there is a recession about, but n'ertheless Ah wish the happy couple well. In these difficult financial times Ah wud alsae like til offer ma services as a weddin' planner til the them, an' propose tae invite them til Ulster fur their nuptials. It is early doors, but at the moment Ah suggest the fallyin' as it is much chaper than some big do in that London.
- Weddin' conducted on the 12th July in some obscure Gospel Hall in north Antrim. Preacher will be a Very Reverend ex Loyalist prisoner self appointed pastor.
- Money will be saved on the big parade by insertin' the happy couple, ridin' in a suitable horse an' cart, intil the Orangefest in Coleraine. Thus they will get cheered an' luk like a big royal float, an improvement oan Lord Laird in thy'on boat.
- The reception will thus be helt in the field. Local ladies can make a big cake, an' spaches can be made aff the back o' the lorry. Suitable music will be supplied by a pipe band an' the odd lambeg, sometimes at the same time
- Food - Veda will be on offer, along wi' sausage rolls. Tay fur grown ups an' orange juice fur weans.
- Fallyin' the field, the happy couple can gae fur a shindig in a local hotel. This is potentially a financial hurdle til cross, but they are young an' will want a wee jive. Music by Barnbrack
- Honeymoon - a B&B in Portrush.
Incidentally Ah fully intend til send this til the Queen later oan, fur Ah hivnae writ til her in ages.
Save the Free State.
Fallyin oan frae ma racent announcement thit Ah am til stan' in the Free State's election, throwin' ma hat intil Gerry's ring as it were, Ah taeday launch ma Nine Point Programme fur the economic recovery o' thy'on benighted statelet. It was goin' til be 10, but Ah ran oot. It is oany richt that we come til the aid o' oor nearest neighbour in their oor o' naid, in particular thosuns still languishin' in the occupied three counties.
Ma thinkin' is thit if Gerry intends fur til bring his immense economic talents til bear in the present crisis, he must be basin' this oan the traditional Shinner palicies used til make Northern Ireland the economic powerhoose that it is taeday. In formulatin' ma "New Dale fur the Free State" Ah hiv thus attempted til replicate some o' the Shinner successes, an' add a few o' me ain.
Shinner rip aff palicies.
Rest assured Free State folk, Ah dinnae intend til blow the shite oot o' yer towns an' villages, although there are clear economic benefits in the construction an' glazin' industries. Ah feel that this wud be a step tae far, sae instead Ah propose the fallyin'.
A. The stimulation o' the Black Economy through cross border smugglin': There is nae doubt that customs duties are o'er rated, since they remove spendin' power frae the hard pressed consumer. Thus the smugglin' and launderin' o' fuel, cattle and fegs will be encouraged by havin' a shite police force either side o' the border. Ah amnae tae sure how ye launder cattle an' fegs but will wurk it oot.
B. The settin' up of Ulster Scots advice centres: These will mirror the Shinner ones in the North, gi'en folk advice as til how til squeeze every last wheen o' pence oot o' the benefits system, bendin' the rules where applicable.As wi' smugglin' it will put money intil the hands o' consumers as well as ensurin' there are mair jabs fur other folk til apply for, as a lock o' folk will be better aff at hame.
C. Policing reform: The Garda will in future act like the provos in the North, and batter the legs off folk for anti-social behaviour. This will save a lot of cash through nat havin' til put them through the courts oor lock them up. Furthermair the Free State hospitals will soon be experts in dealin' wi' traumatic injuries, a strange boast we have employed up here frae time til time.
D. Resident's Groups: Tourism will be encouraged by the formation o' randomly placed Ulster Scots residents groups entirely representative o' the views an' opinions o' the folk o' their areas. Admittedly some Ulster Scots micht have til be imported to fulfil this role, but it will be wurth it when there are riots at St Patrick's Day parades, much tae the delight' o' passin' tourists.
E. Robbin' stuff: Bank heists an' other criminal activity will further liquidate the economy. This cuts both ways, fur the banks an' the like are well insured, an' can get their money back. Maist insurers are foreign companies, sae when they pay oot it will be the same as inward investment.
Nat Shinner Palicies
F. Roadsigns: Puttin' all the signs in garlic uses twice the paint an' metal as just havin' them in English. It shud be accepted thit everybody unnerstawns English, even messel, an' can therefore navigate mono-lingually. In addition puttin' spade an' distance signs in Miles per Arr wud main folk get til their wurk quicker, thus increasin' productivity.
G. An immediate tax oan maudlin songs: Anyone singin' depressin' dirges aboot wishin' they were in Ireland when they are in it shud pay a tax. Anyone caught singin' them 3 times shud be sent til live in Yemen, thus, in turn, cheerin' everyone up an' reducin' the jobless total.
H. Tourism: All the figures indicate that maist visitors til the Free State come frae the UK. They shud be encouraged by occasionally flyin' their fleg aff a hotel instead o' every o'er country in the wurld except them. Alsae nat abusin' them in bars an' in the National Anthem might help a wee bit.
I. A United Ireland: Unner the crown obviously. This is a long term goal as we wud have til persuade the folk in the North til take the Free State back, at the moment the cross border shappers make that economically unattractive fur Unionist strongholds like Newry an' Londonderry.