Ulster Wurld

It was wi' great intrest thit Ah read that Free State Tayto hiv opened a theme park, a cunning plan, nae doubt designed fur til rival the attractions o' Tandragee's ain Tayto Castle. Ah hiv nae doubt thit this will fail, fur nathin' can rival the thrill o' seein' crisps put in begs, but it put me til thinkin', it must be time fur an Ulster theme park o' some description. We hiv the Ulster American yin by Omagh, an' Cultra, but these arenae whit ye might call entertainin', mair, ye ken, like edukational. Thus Ah hiv got messel the forms aff Nelson's lat an' am puttin' in fur a grant til open Ulster Wurld, a crass community entertainment facility fur the hamely folk.

This is at early stages o' develapment, sae only a few o' the ride yokes hiv bin designed. Nevertheless, til wet yer whistle, Ah will unveil the fallyin' attractions.

Gerry's Ghost Train

As the arch nemesis o' all that is sacred til the Ulster Scot an' the surt o' boy thit gives ye nichtmares, Gerry will hiv his ain special ride. As ye trot through the tunnel oan the wee train, he will pap oot shoutin' things like "We hivnae gawn awa ye ken" an' "a united Irleand by 2000 an' 16". The fear factor will be increased by the fact thit random' folk will be plucked frae their carriages an' disappeared til Louth, a bit like hissel, if we're lucky.

The Paul Berrygoround

It is a matter o' great sadness til messel thit Paul Berry his disappeared frae the political scene, fur he was an immensely intelligent an' entertainin' individual. Thus he will be commemorated wi' an overtly camp ride thit will include shiny ponies an' sports masseurs. Insteid o' the usual music, yer ride will be accompanied by the man himself singin' gospel classics.

Iris's Love Tunnel

As one o' Ulster's great romantics it is fittin' thit Iris Robinson be minded by a Tunnel o' Love. Her an' Peter's long stannin' relationship his weathered many crises, and she remains one of Ulster's rare beauties. One can but hope that the New Year will see her return til front line palitics, perhaps in some kind of role working with small businesses. Please note that nae Gays are allowed in Iris' Love Tunnel, ye must produce a marriage certificate at the gate.

Marty's Shootin' Gallery

This may be difficult til organise, fur Marty an' his muckers hiv wi'oot doubt decommisioned all o' their armalites, but nae visit til a fun fair wud be complete wi'oot a bit o' attempted murder. The fun factor will be raised by addin' in a knee cappin' booth an' a range o' prize which will include cuddly toys in the form o' Alex Maskey an' Gerry Kelly. The grand prize will be a hideout in Donegal.

The Stormount Rollercoaster

As can be sain frae the picture, this will be an inherently unstable construction, reliant entirely on threats frae the English til keep it upright. As you hurtle round the wee rails, you will be expected til come up wi' credible budget proposals an' an alternative til the 11 plus, then suggest them til yer fellow riders, who will reject them forthwith. One thing at laist, this ride is guaranteed til make ye boke.

Brian Cowen's Economic Helter Skelter

In order til get cross border funnin' fur ma project, Ulsterwurld will include this tribute til the Free State. Basically you will sit on the back of a Celtic Tiger shaped mat an' see how fast you can make it plummet to the bottom. Someone frae Europe will be oan hand til lend ye the money til have a go if yer stuck.





Other Attractions.

A broad range o' fun an' excitin' activities will alsae be on affer. Alangside Iris's Tunnel of Love will be a Garvaghy Road themed Tunnel o' Hate, an' closeby will be a Sammy Wilson inspired Pin the Tail on the Arsehole. Fud will be served in a big tay tent organised by ladies of the local Presbyterian Ladies Guild. Entrance charges will be £7.50 fur adults and £5 fur weans, or £16.90 fur a family ticket. Charges fur the o'er surt will be substantially higher, no Euros accepted.