Memoirs o' a Sleep Hunting Man, or Nocturnal Admissions.

Ah'm nat a pallet trucker ah'm a pallet trucker's son.

Yin o' ma mair esoteric posts the nicht, but yin o' ma mair loyal fallyers has bin gi'en me a bit o' hassle fur nat gittin' ma finger oot an' postin some shite. Ah must apalygise til ma Welsh correspondant, an assure hissel thit Ah hiv nat retired frae the cultural arena. Wi' an election loomin', Ah intend fur til emerge frae ma naval gazin' til dissect the palitical doins o' oor masters, sheddin' light oan their meanderins like a muck spreader sheds shite oan a Spring day.

Ah alsae feel thit Ah must explain ma dearth o' postin' til ma raidership, as Ah ken thit yis luk til messel fur laidership in these difficult an complex times. As yis micht be aware, the wee red faced finance minister stripped ma cultural oraganisation o' its funnin', leavin' me laguishin' fur a time on the limited financial support affered by Her Majesty's Brew Department, barely enough til keep me in beer, fags an' Veda. However, fur all ma failins in life, Ah dinnae lack the 'Pratestant Wurk Ethnic', an' Ah hiv gat aff ma arse, cast aside the rarefied wurld o' Academia, an am now wurkin' mad hoors as a logistics aperative, or warehouse lackey til the unititiated. Thus Ah start wurk at 5pm an' finish when there is nathin' mair til stick oan the back o' a lorry. This leaves little time fur Ulster Scots Shite Writin' an his left me wi' begs unner ma eyes the likes o' which ye wudnae see in the Balmoral Prize Bull enclosure.

Howiver this is nat wi'oot its benefits til a high falutin' person like messel, as it has put me back in touch wi' the ordinary Ulster Scots wurker, an' opened ma eyes til a whole new nocturnal wurld o' bleary eyed mad folk ridin' aboot in forklifts an' sayin' 'Fuck' a lot. As maist o' ma raidership is drawn frae the intelligentsia, Ah thunk Ah wud share a few o' the enlightenin' things Ah hiv larnt in ma new sleep deprived existence.

1. Yokes: Ulster Scots is alive an' well in the warehouse wurld. Basically the jab involves taken shite aff the back o' a trailer, puttin' it aroun' a big shed, then puttin' it oan the back o' a different trailer in a different order. A remarkably complex task, yin carried oot by ridin' aroun' in whit is technically termed a "pallet truck" or mair exotically, "a pallet chariot". Such terms cut nay ice wi ma fella operatives, they are referred tae by all an sunry as "yokes", even in the maist prapur o' circumstances. Thus Ah observed ma superior aperative laive a note fur management which stated "Billy's yoke keeps stoppin, could youse get the boy out til look at it." It is good til see thit the word yoke is alive an' well, an' Ah urge all o' yis tae use it as often as passible. (Incidentally ma yoke is furever breakin' doon, limitin ma ability til shift shite aboot. If by any chance management does raid this, git me a new yoke ASAP)

2. Mair yokes: Confusinly fur a newly installed aperative such as messel, the wurd yoke nat oany refers til the pallet chariot, but alsae lorrries, trailers, cars an' wimmin. Thus oan askin' the big fella whit Ah shud be at, Ah will be instructed til get oan ma yoke an' strip thon yoke oot, so that the driver can hook his yoke up til it an' get til Fuck. Alsae the wee girl who wurks on the fry counter in Centra might alsae be described as a quare wee yoke, makin' it a mair attractive place til visit than the Spar.

3. Rude Wurds: Ah hiv larnt mair new rude wurds in the last twa months than in ma previous farty years oan this earth, as well as all manner o' durty talk. Unlike in ma previous academic employment, instructions are issued wi' a string o' expletives attached. Ah micht, fur example, be taul til "Tip til Fuck" when it is time til empty a trailer yoke, or alternatively til "Load til Fuck." Ah am adaptin' til this linguistic methodology, nae langer askin' the eejit in charge if it is "OK to gae hame?", rather "Can Ah get til Fuck noo?"

Euro Pallet Shite.

4. Pallets: There is a European pallet plat afoot, yin wi' potentially far reachin' consequences fur Ulster Scots culture. Lidl, the papular cut price supermarket an' purveyor o' oddly named alternatives til common hoosehaul goods, insists oan usin' the "Euro pallet" a smaller alternative til the traditional big, nearly square, Ulster Pratestant Blue Pallet. Ah am aware thit this is an irritation o' limited interest til yersels, but when ye insert the forks o' yer pallet yoke intil lift a Euro pallet, they can poke oot the o'er side, an' yer yoke's wheels break the pallet forcin ye til take all the stuff aff it, an' rebuild it oan an o'er skittery wee Euro. The big Blue Pallets are vastly superior, but increasinly the Euro is takin' over, in a grey squirrel like fashion. "Ah dinnae gie a shit whither or nat ye break pallets McWilliams," Ah hear ye say, but stap, an' think. If the Euro Pallet replaces the square pallet, frae whit will 11th Nicht bonefires be constructed? Nat frae these inherently unstable pieces o' shite. Ah feel a campaign comin' oan.

5. Alternative wurk positions: Everyone kens thit in any jab ye hiv yer ain' position, Human Resources manager, Head of Histry, Warehouse Operative, plus ye hiv a range o' other things ye have adapted til daein' ootside yer jab description. Thus in a previous jab, Ah was alsae termed "Head of things", wi' ma cohorts bein' "Head o' other things" and "Head o' the things naeone else wants til dae". Likewise in the Warehouse wurld ma fella wurkers alsae have positions like "Person in charge of makin up nicknames", "Warehouse Radio Station Chooser" an' "Kettle Boiler". Ah am in charge o' openin' the Freezer door an' takin Photos o' things sent to us that are already bust so we dinnae get the blame fur it. The latter is a high level pasition given til me as Ah hiv a phone wi' email an' ken how til wurk it.

Ulster Pratestant Blue Pallet

6. Cookin': Ma detestation o' Jamie "Smug Bastard" Oliver is well knain, mainly because anyone cud cook a thurty minute meal if ye have 3 oven's, 2 hobs an' some lackey til chap the vig up, but Ah wud challenge the pucka git til come an' make healthy an' nutritious meals usin' oany a kettle an' a durty microwave. Wi such limited facilities Ah hiv become an expert oan all manner o' pat snacks, if ye can add boilin' watter til it, Ah've ate it. Tesco snacks, we hiv agreed o'er post prandial fegs, are shite, an' while the "Bombay Bad Boy" Pat Noodle is tasty, the fact that it includes peas is a source o' irritation til the wee fella in wurk. (All vigtables are a source o' irritation til the wee fella, it was wi' great difficulty thit Ah persuaded him that ye cudnae order a Chicken Chow Mein wi nae vigtables whitsoever). After much discussion, we hiv decided thit an Ulster Fry Pat Noodle is missin' frae the range oan affer, an' Ah hiv agreed til get oantil the manufacturers til right this cultural ommission.

Ah hape the above explains ma lack o' informative postin'. Sae far as Ah kin see nathin' has happened in the wurld the last cupple o' months anyhow. An election in the Free State, somethin' in Japan, an' some kine o' carry on in Libya Ah think, but Ah've mainly missed the news an' been forced til listen til Cool FM by the "Person in charge o' the Radio." However Ah assure young Dewi thit Ah will shake messel up, drink mair beer, restart the Histry an' cover the election. Must register til vote, Ah'll add thy'on til ma lang list o' things til dae when Ah'm awake. 

Incidentally, if any o' yis ken o' a jab thit disnae involve wurkin' til dawn, gie me a shout.