Larne - The Buckfast o' The Nairth.
Folk arrivin' will be greeted wi' a giant battle o' oor national drink wi' the added attraction o' stairs up inside it so ye can throw empty yins aff the tap at various bastards below.
Belfast - Big Bleakley
A statue o' oor finest export, atap the City Hall. Tourists will alsae be able til luk up her skirt frae unnerneath. At laist thy'on is whit Ah wud dae.
Newry - Virgin Veda.
If yer on yer way in frae the Free State, perhaps havin' gat lost an ended up there accidentally there wud be nathin' better til greet ye than an unsullied giant loaf o' oor national bread.
Belfast alternate - Shite Ship
Belfast folk are uncannily proud o' havin' built a big shite ship, so we shud mark this by stickin' it in the middle o' the Lough in a manner which best marks whit it is famous fur.
DerryLondonDerryLondon - Bright Lights, Shite City.
A tribute til oor second city's favourite pastime, wi' the added benefit o' gettin' rid o' thy'on "Hands across the Divide" brock which a child cud hiv come up wi'. The flaming tap will alsae be handy fur finin' yer way back til the Waterside shud ye get stuck amung the o'er surt after dark.
Anyhow thon is yer lat, get votin' an' Ah'll start til fill in the farms fur DCAL.