Tuesday, 5 July 2011


Whilst perusin' the Newsletter, official newspaper o' the Ulster Scots community, the o'er day ma eye wis drew til the personal ad section. It saims thit there is a fair rake o' folk out there lukkin' fur love, but forced til rely on silly wee adverts extollin' their GSOH an' the like. This appears til me tae be a fairly unscientific way o' findin' a cuddy, sure whit can ye learn about someone frae a wee ad like thy'on. Ah, fur example, wud hiv til putt "Tap Academic, (P), aged 20 - 60, likes lyin' aroun' in his pants drinkin' chape beer. Seeks aisily plaised cuddy (P) til make his tay an' the like. Must hiv ain hair an' cheese grater fur the yin Ah hiv is frae pounland an' bends in the middle durin' the act o' gratin."

Noo obviously Ah am sorted fur Ah hiv ma Lovely Lesley, but o'erwise an interested cuddy wudnae hiv learnt tae much aboot messel frae the above description. In turn Ah hiv bin unable tae fully express the wide an' varied things Ah require frae herself. Like whither she kens how til prapurly cuk a soda an' willnae accidentally buy alcohol free beer frae fur her mawn's carry out. Thus Ah hiv decided fur til set up ma ain interweb datin' service fur the Ulster Scots community, cuttin' out the naid fur all that (P) and (RC) business an' ensurin' that if a cuddy latches ontil ye she'll knae how tae use the hamely tongue. In the absence o' any computational programmin' ability ye can complete the questionair below an' email it til messel. Ah will dae some complex sums an' try fur til set ye up wi' yer ideal love match.

Questionair thing.

Aboot You

Are ye: a) a cuddy b) a man
Religion: a) Presbyternian.b) nat Presbyternian but still a Pratestant.c) The o'er surt
Age:a) 18 - 25.b) 25 - 75.c) 75 or o'er
Height: a) Unner 5 fut. b) O'er 5 fut. c) nat sure
Weight:a) Skinny b) Middlin' c) Fat heifer.
Hair: a) Aye. b) Nay

Whit are ye lukkin fur?

Sax: a) a cuddy. b) a man. c) dinsae matter. d) Aye.
Religion: a) Presbyternian. b) nat Presbyternian but still a Pratestant. c) The o'er surt*
Age: a) 18 - 25. b) 25 - 75. c) 75 or o'er
Height: a) Unner 5 fut. b) O'er 5 fut. c) nat sure
Weight: a) Skinny: b) Middlin'. c) Fat heifer.
Hair: a) Aye. b) Nay

* if o'er surt selected plaise insure thit ye are the same surt as the o'er surt ye are lukkin fur. 

Likes an' Dislikes
Give aich o' the fallyin' things a score oot o' ten, wi' wan bein' nat likin' the thing, an' ten bein' likin' the thing a wile lat. Oor computer will match ye til some folk wi' similar intrests.

Tractors _____ Yokes______ Marchin' ______ Pokes ______
Wullie Drennan _______Drinkin' heavily ______ The O'er Surt ________ Church _____
Hokin' _______The Rev Dactur the Big Laird Paisley o' Bannside _______ Wee Ian Paisley _______
Catriona Ruin ______ Lambegs ______ The Newsletter ______ The Irish News ______
Coos _________ Dugs ________ Yos ________ Pussies ______
Motors _______ Unusually shaped stains ________  Unusally shaped Stanes _____Sodas ________
Cheese _______Motor Cycle Road Racin' ________ Rose Neill aff the news _______ Shars ________
American Tan Tights _______ Lukkin' in fields at things whilst yer car is wile badly parked ______ Scratchin' _______ Protestin' at things ______ leanin' on walls ________ Skitterin' ______
Baths _______Y Fronts ______ Muck _______ Slight hills ________
stape hills _______ fegs _______Champ _______ Brock  ________
Sausage Rolls _______ Sayin' "fur til" ________ Dancin' ______Radio Ulster _______
TnaG ______ The Twelfth _____ The Thirteenth ______ Portrush _____
Ibiza _____ Pontificatin' _____ Red Diesel ______ Flatulence ______

Furrer Infurmation.

Havin' complated the abuve ye are invited fur til write up til yin hunner wurds aboot yerself. Plaise include bank details an' a photy o' yersel if yer a cuddy. In the maintime Ah am alsae lukkin' intil a Gentlemawn's special interest site o' big gurls frae Ballynabragget.

1 comment:

Iron Mike said...

I laughed so hard at this I nearly had to go bite down on a bathroom towel. Classic stuff, Billy...