online@tesco.co.uk 

Dear Tesco

I was in one of your big shops today (the one in Banbridge) getting beer and the like and noticed that you still have a fair stock of thon Fifty Shades of Grey books. I had a wee read for a while, and admit they're not bad in places. A wee bit too much of the old bondage for my liking, but there's no accounting for taste. 

Anyway, that's not the point. You had thon book, and a rake of similar books called things like Her Deepest Desires or Her Secret Lady Garden or whatever, but they were all what I would loosely call "Lady Porn". This left me unfulfilled so I thought I'd go to your magazine section and get some proper old fashioned porn, Razzle or Asian Babes or Fat and Forty or whatever, only to find that you have NO man porn, aside from Nuts and Zoo. Thesuns aren't really proper porn, and wouldn't do the job, so to speak.

I would like to know why you have adopted this sexist attitude to porn, and consider it OK to sell books where women get the bejaysus whipped aff them by a pervert, but don't sell stuff where men can look at women and think how pretty they look and the like. I checked the European Convention of Human Rights, and it supports my position, so I expect to see your magazine section suitably replete with filth within the next few weeks.

Love 
Professor Billy McWilliams. 
xo

PS When I say "Man Porn" I don't mean porn for the Gays. You can have that too if you want, but make sure it's labelled right for I looked at some by accident one time and near boked.

Northern Ireland is Full of Arseholes, claims report.

A report published today by a top academic has revealed some startling statistics about Northern Ireland. Far from being a land of welcoming people moving forward into a new, shared future the country is in fact full of complete wankers.

The report was commissioned in response to a number of events and developments over the summer months such as:

• Parades controversies 
• Debate over the nationality of golfers and Olympians
• Discussions over the new exhibition up at the Giant's Causeway
• Stuff about the gays and drink.

The academic, who does not want to be named for illegal reasons, explained that he had observed the shenanigans over the summer and noted stuff down in a big book. Then he had drew some graphs about it. 

Graph 1.

The figures obtained by the academic indicate a high prevalence of general arseholery. This is generally revealed by an ability to ignore basic facts and an inability to understand anyone else's point of view. 

Graph 2.

This high prevalence of arseholery was reflected in the pastimes of the local population. 

Graph 3

This further impacts on the standard of debate locally, all forms of the media reflecting the general principle below. This is clearly demonstrated in the social media, the letters pages of the papers and on the Nolan show. 

Graph 4.

All debate will somehow involve religion. If crisps is the subject of the debate, someone will manage to find a quote about how the Lord separated the good crisps from the bad crisps then fed the bad ones to Gay folk or something.

Graph 5.

These factors are reflected in the deliberations of our politicians. Mike Nesbitt is excluded from this, as he only cares about golf and rugby.

The report also showed:

• A high number of folk who complain a lot about stuff but never get off their arses to anything about it.
• A complete lack of respect for anyone's achievements, sporting or academic. 
• A high percentage of lazy bastards who blame everyone else for the situation they find themselves in.
• The news is becoming unwatchable as it makes you want to stick your foot through the TV set.
• That for a nation that prides itself in its "sense of humour" the people have a great deal of difficulty in seeing the humour in anything that does not pander to their preconceived notions of the world and are quick to complain about things being "offensive".
• Everything on local TV is shit, apart from Jackie Fullerton.

In conclusion the academic revealed that this combination of factors means he can no longer be arsed and is henceforth retiring.