(Marchin') saison's gratins

It is the Twelfth*, an' ah am in Scotland. Ah hiv searched the television listins here an' cannae fine anythin'. The gratest Ulster Scots kultural extravaganza in Western Europe, possibly the wurld, is takin' place a wee scoot o'er the watter an' the Scots television folk arnae goantae hiv even a haff oor roun' up frae the parades. This isnae guid enuff, an' a micht hiv til screed til the BBC (agin).

Bein' in Scotland oan the Twefth is a strange feelin'. So far the oany traditional things that hiv happened are that ah hiv a slight hangover an' it is rainin'. Tae rectify this situation ah intend tae conduct ma oan mini-twelfth celebrations by messel, usin' oany ma family as praps. Ah knaw that a few o' oor raiders are similarly distant frae hame oan this special day, an' they micht like tae dae likewise.

• Yinst ah am goantae hiv a brandy at a time o' the day normally reserved fur drinkin' tae, oor beer. But ye cannae hiv a beer before ye march fur ye micht naid a pit stop haff way til the field.


• Then ah will mak a wee banner oot of paper an' the like.


• Then ah will argue wi' messel o'er who carries the banner. Ah will win the argument an' mak wee Billy carry it.


• From thence ah will gae tae a park an' hiv a wee march til messel. When ah pass folk ah will raise ma umberella an say "Bout ye, grawn day fur it".


• If anyyin tries tae walk across ma path ah will stap them wi' ma umberella an' say "Dinnae walk across the parade, ye boy ye."


• At a prearranged point Mrs McWilliams (in the guise o' the PSNI) will black ma route in case there micht be yin o' the o'er sort aboot, lukkin' fur tae be offended.


• Ah will hiv in ma pocket a letter o' protest which ah will hawnd til Mrs McWilliams, before divertin' messel an' wee Billy doon a differn' path an' lukkin' fur a field.


• Ah will stawn aroun' in the field fur a wile an' mak a few loyal resolutions.


• Ah will ate a haff cooked burger.


• Ah will return tae the car via the same route, an' then drive back tae the house. But nat before passin' roun' a bowler hat tae git a tip fur the driver.


• Ah will drink beer an' ate a big feed o' spuds.


• Naidless tae sae ah will dae awl this whilst hummin' the Sash an Derry's Walls. If ah pass a chapel ah'll hum a bit louder.

Thus ah' will hiv recreated the Twelfth fur messel, an' tamarra ah will repait the process an' pretend ah'm at Scarva. Except ah will add a Sham Ficht wi' wee Billy an' Mrs McWilliams willnae black the route, fur thar arenae oany o' the o'er sort in Scarva.

Ah hope this helps oor exiled raiders, if nat ye micht be able tae fine sumthin' oan the BBC website. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/8146817.stm

Late News

Awl went accordin' til plan, except ah refused tae accept the adjudication o' Mrs McWilliams (PSNI) an' we are currently engaged in a tense stawn aff. Rumours o' riotin' are grately exaggerated.

Mair importantly ah furgat aboot poles - Julian Simmons saims tae be the mawn laist likely, an' ah wis perfectly within ma richts til suggest it. This weeks pole his a saisonal flaver.

* It isnae the Twelfth, it's the Thirteenth, but ye cannae march oan the Saubeth sae ye wait til the Maunday. Thus aiven though it's the Thirteenth it's still the Twelfth, an' tamarra will be the Thirteenth. Everythin' gits back til normal oan the day after the Thirteenth, when it'll be the Fifteenth.