Sat Nav

Ah dinnae normally screed oan a Friday nicht, fur fear o' gittin lynched at hame, but nae fewer thin twa o' ma correspondants hiv bin tryin til draw ma attention til a braw new invention fur the Ulster Scot. Ah hiv tae tell them thit ah knew awl aboot it already, but hiv bin keepin' it secert. Garmin, the international Sat Nav manufacturin' company, hiv bin wurkin' wi oorsels fur til develop a Sat Nav model aimed at the Ulster Scot market. The Garmin nuvi 1690 will enable ye tae git safely hame frae oany parade in Ulster.

In order fur til distinguish itsell frae o'er Sat Nav yokes oan the market it his a nummer o' unique features:

• The product is narrated by nain o'er thin Wullie Drennan, star o' Danner wi' Drennan an' heid yin, ah think, o' the Ulster Scots Folk Orchestra. Thus ye kin listen til his wee voice tellin' ye tae "Turn richt in a rake o' yards."
• It his a built in "Traditional Route Finder". Thosuns rerouted frae thar normal road kin by-pass awl polis an' resident's groups an' fine themselves richt back ootside the chapel.
• Spakin' o' which, if ye select the "Big Bang" option, ye kin be alerted til the location o' the o'er sort an stap yer motor fur tae dae extra loud drummin' oan the bonnet.
• At ma request thiv foun' a route frae Londonderry tae Belfast wha' entirely avoids Dungiven. 
• Select the "avoid themuns" option, an' ye kin be taken frae A til B oany gae'in thru areas wi' flegs up. If ye want a route frae Forkhill til Tandragee avoidin' dissident Republican checkpoints, this is the yin fur ye. Rumour his it thit the PSNI hiv bought a lock o' them fur exackly this purpose.
• Which remines me (nat thit ah'm makin this up as ah gae alang) if ye select the PSNI special option it will take ye tae the nearest Chinese avoidin' awl crime hatspats.

A fine addition til the wurld o' gettin Polish lorry drivers lost ah'm sure yil awl agree.

Pole.....

Sammy's hair is officially brock. Surprisinly 5 folk voted fur til giv him five marks fur his hair. Howiver ah checked in the 1690 records an' foun' thit at laist yin vote came frae an IP address registered til a Mr S Wilson.

This weeks vote luks at the controversy aboot which toon shud be Norn Iron's entry intae the UK City o' Culture. It saims a bit rich fur themuns in the Maiden City even fur tae gae fur this title, but ah'm fur hopin' thit the fak thit nain o' them kin write the wurd "London" will main thit thar entry gits lost in the post. Equally Belfast is a bit o' hole, whit wi' the folk wha' live in it mainly atin' Pot Noodle an' the slowness o' the main evenin' newspaper in printin' important articles. Therefower ah am fur naminatin' a few differen' locations worthy o' the title.