“Twas the nicht afore Christenmas, an’ aw thru the hoose, nat a cratur was stirrin’ nat even a moose.”
Sae writ Rabbie Burns, Ah think, in anticipation o’ the family fun an’ gift exchangin’ festival thit his become knain as Christenmas, after Jaysus, the boy whit invented it. It bein’ early in the Christenmas season, Ah hiv nae doubt thit yer mines are turnin’ taewards the purchase o’ things fur til give til folk. In order fur til assist yes Ah hiv trawled the highs an’ lows o’ the interweb fur til seek oot the best an’ maist appropriate gifts fur folk frae oor fair shores, an’ Ah present them below, hopefully somethin’ fur aw the family.
Fur the larger wean……
The Gerry Kelly Chemistry Set
Both fun an’ educational, the Gerry Kelly Chemistry set contains aw manner o’ experiments fur til amaze an’ entertain the hole family. With skill an’ practice, youse tae can blow the shite oot o’ places, serve a lock o’ years behine bars, escape fur a wee bit, an’ yet still end up in a high powered job up at Stormount. By fallyin’ the simple instructions, the basic principle thit shit floats til the tap will be proofed til aw.
The latest game fur the Nintendo Wee frae Carrickfergus based saftware company Micrasaft™, this interactive game allows ye til experience the thrill o’ a nicht oot in Banbridge wi’oot laivin’ the warmth o’ yer ain hame. Ye must guide yer wee character through a variety o’ Banbridge’s finest nite spats, avoidin’ the attentions o’ badly dressed slappers in their late forties. Ye micht make it past the Imperial, up the hill past the First an’ Last, but can ye master the Downshire on a Saturday nicht? Find oot wi Tart Attack………
Bigotry, by Kalvin Clein
Weemen like til smell nice, it wud saim, an’ nathin’ smells better than a hen after a march. This latest perfume frae Castlederg’s ain Kalvin Clein adds til his range o’ suspiciously misspelt underwear (available frae Nutt’s Corner an’ Bangor Market.) It blends the heady warmth o’ a fat lass wrapped in a Corbet Accordion Band uniform wi' the aroma o’ peas o’er boiled in a big pan after the Twelfth an' just a hint o’ Smirnoff Ice.
Fur the hole Family
Hivnae a Cleudo.
A braw new twist oan a family favourite. A murder mystery set in Stormount, ye must explore the Big Hoose fur til fine a murderer, a jab in itself ye wud think. Was it the Rev McCrea in the Kitchen wi’ the badly recorded CD? Colonel McGuinness in the never visited Library wi’ the hastily disposed o’ revolver? Or maybe it wus Professor Sammy in the Ballix Room wi’ the nat yet charged fur watter pipe.
Fur weemen, frae Lurgan
A clever twist on the traditional ladies handbeg this is the ultimate accessory fur the Lurgan hen in yer life. The beg contains a myriad o’ pockets til house aw the things a Mid Ulster lady naids oan a nicht oot. Slot fur a wee Quarter battle? Check. Hole fur a spare pair o’ keks? Check. Small megaphone sae everybudy in a bar can hear whit yer sayin’? Check. Benefits calculator? Check. Pocket fur condoms sae thit ye willnae hiv any more weans ye cannae afford? Na.
Although designed fur Lurgan wimmin, it may alsae be a handy gift fur wimmin frae Derry,
Belfast, Strabane, Larne, Carrickfergus, Armagh, Newtownards an’ Caulraine. An’ Gilford. An’ Cookstown.
Fur Wee Weans
Count wi’ Sammy
International expert on Sums, Sammy Wilson, lends his name til’ a new Video Cassette fur the
Sesame Street folk. Sammy demonstrates how til count frae Yin til Ten, divide by six, an’ laive 10,000 folk oot o’ wurk as a remainder. The preschool child will learn how fur til ignore economical realities by fundin’ a divided society wi’oot butherin’ til address the east/west economic divide.
Fur aw the Family
An Unsliced Veda
Goes wi’oot sayin.
O’er gifts Ah cudnae be arsed makin’ pictures fur…..
Gerry Adams Beard Trimmer: Shave yer ain salary by feckin’ aff down south, but dinnae wurry aboot it fur yiv a fine wee nest egg built up frae sellin’ shite buiks til Americans.
Margaret Ritchie hand puppets: Copy wee Margaret’s bizarre hand gestures by attachin’ a wee furry animal til each hand an’ wavin’ them about in a random, if expressive, manner in front o’ the specially designed low lecturn (sold separately)
Apocalypse Cow…..en: The latest fillum frae acclaimed director George C Osborne. A tense thriller in which a fat man sits in a temple talkin’ shite while the hole wurld falls apart aroun’ him.