Friday, 11 February 2011

Born fur the USA (Ulster Scots Agency)

The mair observant among yis will have noticed that Ah hivnae bothered til post much this past wile. This is partly down til the fact that January is a notoriously quiet month in Irish Palitics, an' true til form nathin' o' interest has happened, either in the North or the Free State. The o'er raison is that Ah was a high falutin' spakin' toor o' the Orange Halls o' the Far Aist, takin in Red China, Burma, Malaya, Siam an' o'er antiquated countries. Ah was priviliged til lecture oan Ulster Scots matters til lodges as widespread as Peking Purple Helmets, Rangoon Rising Sons o' Paisley an' Bangkok Brown Star. Ah wus alsae arrested briefly.

However Ah hiv bin duely poked frae ma jet lag by yin o' ma loyal raiders who his pointed oot that elections are imminent an' thit Gerry is runnin riot in the Free State, astoundin' young an' auld with his knowledge o' economics. Mair pertinant is the fack that the Chief Executive jab at the Ulster Scots Agency his come up, an' nae better man than messel til git in fur it. Oddly this jab was directed til me by yin o' ma raiders wha spatted it in the Irish News. Whit in the name o' Lord Laird are they puttin' it in thon paper fur, sure it is oany read by the o'er surt an' folk pretendin' til be the o'er surt, when they accidentally fine themselfs in the wrang pub.

Anyway, Ah hiv duly escreeded the wee cuddy at Price Watterhoose Coupers fur til get an application pack, as ye will see belaw, an' will frae thence take yis through how Ah fulfill the criterions.

"Dear Karen

Ah wud be wile grateful if ye cud sen me an applicitation pack fur thon Heid Yin jab yis putt in the paper the o'er day. Does it hae tae be sent by post? Sure let me knae if ye cannae escreed it til me an' Ah'll let ye ken ma hame place.

Ah hope yer keeping well yersel,

Love Professor Billy McWilliams."

How Ah fulfil the Criterions, by Professor Billy McWilliams.

Criterion YinA degree qualification or equivalent third level qualification AND a minimum of 3 years’ experience at senior management level of successfully building and effectively leading, managing and motivating staff within an organisation; OR

A minimum of 5 years’ experience at senior management level of successfully building and effectively leading, managing and motivating staff within an organisation
Ah fulfill all the above as Ah hiv a degree in somethin' an' hiv run this Wabsite fur twa years. Furthermair Ah run the coal yard in Maxwells Service Station, Banbridge fur a brief period in the late 80s, afore studyin' things for a bit. Ah am wile good at motivatin' staff, fur Ah just gie them a kick up the arse if they slack. Wimmin are mair ably motivated by rude jokes an' the odd wee grope. 
Criterion Twa - Leading and managing an organisation in the development of strategy in successfully delivering the aims and objectives of the organisation at senior management level
As heid yin o' 1690 an all thon, Ah am personally responisible for a large staff o' several, many o' whom are lazy work shy bastards. Despite this, Ah hiv delivered all the aims an' objectives, as set by messel in ma forward plan an' SWAT analysis. 
Criterion Thrie - Effectively managing challenging budgetary requirements within an organisation at senior management level
For feck's sake if ye saw ma budgetry constraints yis wud get a fair scunner. Fallyin' the withdrawal o' oor funnin frae the Europe, Ah hiv effectively met the challenge o' funnin' this organisation aff the broo. 
Criterion Fower - Operating within a corporate governance framework at senior management level
Ah dinnae ken whit that mains, but sure Ah can wing it. 
Criterion Five -  Representing an organisation at a senior management level to internal and external audiences for example, the public, senior civil servants, politicians, voluntary organisations, professional bodies, trade unions, the media and the business community.
Easy done, paliticians an' senior civil servants are all wankers, the media dinnae gie a shite, the voluntary organisations are just after a grant, trade unions cudnae care less about this as folk are bein' laid aff left right an' centre by the afore mentioned business community an' the public are bewildered. Anyhow, Ah hiv met all the above folk an' can blether away til them if yis need me til.
Criterion Sax. - Knowledge of the Ulster-Scots sector and traditions, and evidence of community engagement with the Ulster-Scots sector would be advantageous, but not essential for the role.
This yin really takes the biscuit. "nat essential fur the role". When Sir Alex of Ferguson retires will the jab advert say "Knowledge of Football and it's traditions, and evidence of working within the Football sector would be advantageous, but not essential for the role?" No, they will seek oot the best qualified fitba mawn fur the jab, an' in this case they shud dae likewise, an luk nae farther than messel. 

Anyhow, in the heels o' the hunt, Ah require yis all til escreed the Ulster Scots Agency in support o' ma applicitation, an' have stuck a wee pole on fur til help yis. 

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