Unionist Laidership Election

Admittedly it wus a cupple o' days ago, but Ah am supposed fur til comment oan currant affairs oan behalf o' the Ulster Scots academic community, sae ah suppose ah shud gie ma twa pennorth. The UCUNFUUP have elected Tam Elliot as the new laider by some kindae huge margin which Ah cannae mind, despite the early poles suggestin' that Ah wud win by a landslide. Ma ain poor showin' can be putt doon til the fak that they wudnae let me stawn, although Ah note in the Newsletter thit there was yin spoiled vote. Ah can but hope thit some o' yis screeded ma name across the paper, in an act o' rebellion against North Korean style ballot riggin'.

Sae Tam is now at the reins, an must address the key issues thit face the Unionist Party an' the country alike. Nat bein' yin til haul grudges, Ah am willin' til set aside oor differences an' offer ma services til him as some kindae highly paid.tap level adviser. Ah hiv giv the issues some thocht an' list the challenges faced by Tam below, an offer a few wurds o' advice.

Prablem 1: Naebody knows who any o' the UUP folk are: Whilst the DUP hiv characters like Peter, Wullie McCrea, Sammy and Jug Ears, yid be hard pushed fur til pick any o' the UUP folk oot in a line up. Ah can name about three, if pushed, but dinnae know whit they luk like. This shud be urgently addressed by gettin' Mike Nesbitt til make a reality programme featurin' tap Unionists, fur the moment Ah am gien' this pilot the name Celebrity Come Whine wi' Me. The MLA's can have chips an' the like whilst bemoanin' the fact they hiv nae MPs and nae clue how til get out o' the mess.

Prablem 2: The DUP an' Unionist Unity: Peter has already begun chattin' Tam up with a view til pacts an' the like. This must be stapped an' clear blue watter put between the twa parties. Thus the Tory tie up must be scrapped forthwith an' the party shud gae intil an electoral pact wi' the Shinners. This wud put the willies up the DUP, an' the Shinners hiv better lukkin wimmin like Mary Lou an' yer woman Anderson frae Londonderry.

Prablem 3: The Norn Iron Economy: It is clear til all concerned thit the financial situation in this country is ballixed, an' forward thinkin' ideas til address the issues are naided. Ah hiv already suggested thit everyone shud wurk cash in hand an' claim the brew, thus injecting additional spendin' power intil the marketplace. Ah wud further suggest the immediate nationalisation o' the banks through a series o' armed robberies, thus redistributin' the wealth an' further boostin' the high street shapper. Inward investment shud be encouraged by haulin' a big business conference in Aughnacloy an' kidnappin' all the executives o' the foreign companies. They wud oany be released when they pramise til build car factories an the like in Ballywalter. However the economic situation is exasperated by Prablem 4.

Prablem 4: Most people in Norn Iron are arseholes: A cursory glance aroun' yer average high street in Ulster will revail a high proportion o' wankers versus normal folk. These folk can be recognised by their overly complicated Lottery purchases when in front o' ye in the shap, the wearing o' tracksuits an' pyjamas when neither exercisin' or in bed, an' an inability til say anythin' quietly or wi'oot swearin'. This obviously limits the economic potential o' Norn Iron, as even kidnapped foreign businessmen cudnae be arsed employin' such folk. Snatch squads o' heavily armed men shud therefore lift them an' threaten severe violence unless they wise  up, dress right, an' only do three lines on the lottery, no scratchcards or the like.

Prablem 5: The Assault on our national heritage that is the slicin' o' Veda: Ah mentioned this last week. Irwins shud be threatened wi' punitive tax measures unless they stap rapin' the loaf. An' all MLAs shud join oor facebuk group. Mair oan which in a minute.

Prablem 6: The Education System: The 11+ shud be scrapped an' replaced wi' an exam naebody but the most middle class folk can unnerstawn, thus keepin' common children frae uneducated backgrouns oot o' the tap schools. This appears til be unnerway unner Catriona and shud be helt up as an example o' the passibilities o' the aforementioned Shinner/UUP electoral pact. This is a win/win situation, the UUP get to protect their middle class support, an' the Shinners get til make sure thit the workin' class get a shite education, thus conserving their core vote o' stupid folk.

Veda Campaign.

There hiv bin several developments since ah last posted oan this matter. On Monday past the story wus covered in the Newsletter, an Irwins made a written, public commitment that if oor campaign gets 10000 supporters they will revert to unsliced loaf production. They have, however, since shifted the goalposts, by sayin' that this decision will be made only when they get 10000 votes asking for it on their website. Thus Irwins are attemptin' fur til subvert oor campaign intil some kindae marketin' opportunity. We willnae stan' fur this, an' Ah urge an immediete boycott o' all Irwins products til they return til their original promise.

Interestinly the campaign alsae featured oan Talkback, gettin' the backin' o' the lovely Wendy Austin, an his alsae gained political support in the shape o' Dawn Purves. We can alsae reveal that the Newsletter folk know bugger all about poetry, as this picture shows.

Crisis of Culture.

Havin' nat posted fur ages, Ah am fur daein' ano'er yin taeday. As warned in yesterdays papal pontificatin' a mair insidious threat tae the civil an' religious liberties o' oor land is loomin'. A blow has bin struck til the very core o' all that is good in oor wee land. The French hiv their wine, the Parmans their Ham, the Cheddars their cheese. We hiv oor breads, an' the king o' the breads is undoubtedly Veda.

Fur many years the great bakeries o' Ulster - Irwin's, Ormo an' the Sunblest boys, hiv turned out loaf after loaf o' delicious malty goodness, unsullied by the bread slicer. The purchaser is left to render his slices accordin' til taste, or the hole in his toaster, but nae more, fur Irwins hiv sliced the Veda. They hiv taken the holy loaf an' rent it asunder, intil futery wee dry slices, uniform to the eye, the loaf unsqueezed.

"Sae whit?" Ah hear yis ask, "sure ye kin still buy unsliced Veda frae other bakeries." Thit may be sae, but Irwins' his ano'er tool up their sleeve, as kin be seen frae this photy, they are deliberately undercuttin' the traditional solid loaf makers in terms of price. This is a blatant attempt at market manipulation, worthy o' Red China. They hiv flooded the market with shoddy, non traditional Veda, gien' the hard pressed house wife a difficult choice in these straitened times. She may lift the loaf an' bring it hame til her man, congratulatin' herself on savin' a wheen o' pence, but in turn leavin' prapur loafs languishin' on the shelf.

"Sae whit?" Ah hear yis say agin "We are in a recession, it is fur the housewife til spend her allowance as she sees fit. She his made a savin', an' we shud congratulate her." Aye, says me, except fur it is a false economy. Her veda will soon stale, its sliced nature allowin the air til circulate throughout. Nat fur her the option o' cuttin aff the hard end, an' thus a half ate loaf will fine its way intil the bin. Howiver in her scatterbrained womanly fashion, she will make the same error on returnin' til the Spar, seduced by price. Meanwhile, sales o' prapur traditional veda will stall, an' the big guns o' the supermarket wurld will pare back their orders, forcin' it aff the shelfs.

Whar will we be then? A staple o' the Ulster kitchen lost fur ever, a monopoly allowin' Irwins til force the price o' this bakin' travesty higher and higher. Oor culture weakened an' oor sangwiches stale. Ah therefore call on all richt thinkin' citizens o' Ulster til boycott this bastardization o' bread. Rally roun' the fleg o' the solid loaf. Join with us in oor Facebuk Campaign an' make yer mark for God an' Veda.

The Pope, fur it is he.

The Sash the Father wore.

Havin' semi retired frae palitical commentatin', due mainly til extreme laziness, Ah was not fur remark passin' oan the arrival o' the Pope til Britain. Howiver noo thit the Reverend Doctor Lord the Big Ian Paisley has waded in, an' the loomin' threat o' a storm o' protests, Ah feel thit it is important thit Ah use ma influence in Ulster Scots circles til calm the situation. Many cross wurds have been bandied, an' a feel a measure of calm debate is required til address the situation. Ah hiv thus give some thocht as til whether we shud be arsed protestin' or nat

Reasons fur til Protest - 

Yin: he is the o'er surt an he is nat in the bible, but says he is, Ah think. Ah will check that an' get back til ye.

Twa: The present yin is a German, Germans are intrinsically bad.

Thrie: He wears a small hat that makes him luk daft. Or a big yin that luks like a wully. An he makes folk kiss his ring. This is nat normal behaviour fur a church laider.

Fower: he willnae let the o'er surt use contrapception - laidin in turn til mair o' the o'er surt. If this continues most folk will be the o'er surt, thus becomin' the surt. At this point Ah will be very confused as Ah will be the o'er surt. Ah will hiv til mistrust  messel an' nat be tae friendly.

Five: Somethin about child abuse and the gays.

Reasons nat fur til Protest.

Really?

Yin: The Pope sent the Inglis intil Ireland in the first place, therefore makin' him historically a Loyalist.

Twa: The Pope was on the side o' King Billy at the Boyne. Again, hardly the stuff o' Ulster Scots protests.

Thrie: The Pope changed the calendar, movin' the Twelfth frum the First til the Twelfth. If he hadnae done this we wud hiv nae Twelfth. Thus he invented the Twelfth, an' the attendant marches. We cudnae march oan the First fur we wud all be at wurk.

Fower: Although this Pope is a German, the yin before was Polish. They were on oor side in the War and therefore are grand. Sae long as the o'er surt dinnae make Spanish, Italians, Germans etc Pope in future, we can let them aff.

Five: His views on the Gays are much the same as the Free P's, who in turn arenae exactly unknown fur batterin' the shite oot o' Wains themsels.

Sax: Chateau Neuf du Pape.

Hivin' thus weighed up the arguments, Ah wud advise ma raidership nat til buther their arses wi' this. Let the auld boy visit, an' insteid write til the Vatican askin' if it wud be OK til reroute Drumcree through the Vatican next year.

Veda

A storm is brewing, Ah can say nae mair at this point in time.

Nazis

Ah'm afraid the hole furore o'er the heid o' the boys sacked fur nat gi'en foreign folk the brew passed me by a wee bit, an' hence Ah missed the latest musings o' yer woman Cooper. Ah didnae git the paper yesterday, instead spendin' the evenin' watchin' the delightful Christine Hamilton oan Celebrity Masterchef. Ah am gi'en serious thought til puttin' teaegither a pilot fur the BBC calt Celebrity Plasteredchef, wherein local famous folk will git full drunk an' try til mix twa different types o' cupasoup fur the laugh. Ah wud quite like til see the faces thy'on twa smug judge fellas as Julian Simmons sets fire til a chip pan an' Pamela Ballantine makes egg in a cup.

Anyhow ma thankins til Daveboy fur highlightin' the story in the comments bit o' the previous post. It wud saim that some woman calt Ann Cooper, who once rose til the dizzy heights o' defeated council by-election candidate fur the TUV, threw her considerable political clout behine the sacked civil servants. Accordin' til the paper she said ""Well done lads. Sorry you got caught. You deserve a medal. We need more like you." Fur some raison this has provoked a torrent o' abuse in her direction, but Ah fur yin think she has a point. Ah wud like fur til take the whole thing further, nat oany shud immigrants types nat get the brew, but a swathe o' welfare reforms shud be introduced forthwith til deal wi' parasites on oor society.

Old Folk: Are nae use whitsoever. Thosuns that arenae mopin' about in small houses complainin' about the caul are clockin' up in hospital costin' us a fortune, all whilst gettin' fat pensions aff the state. They shud all be made til wurk til their 85 an' then put down. An' they shudnae be allowed til drive. Likewise:

Children: Now there are reasonable economic benefits til havin' a future papulation, an' educatin' them til a basic standard, but the whole thing is gettin' ridiculous. Weans are gettin' away wi' hangin' aroun' school til they're 18, half the time oan hallydays. It is reasonable til assume that if they get out at half 3 they can wurk til 6 at the laist. I wud suggest that the recyclin' plants are ideal fur them, fur they are always bangin' on aboot the enviroment.

The disabled: How many times hiv you tried to get intil a bank or similar public buildin' oany til find ye hiv til zig zag up some complicated ramp type structure fur five minutes afore ye reach the door? This is all doon til the disabled demandin' access til places whilst nat considerin' the time wasted by economically active folk windin' their ways til their destinations. These shud all be removed an' the disabled folk can wait outside til somebody sees them.

Athletic People: Folk wha take exercise are a massive burden on society, fur they are always strainin' some part or breakin' some bone. Thus they are aff work or in the hospital a wile lat, an' yet the state provides leisure centres an' the like fur them til hurt themselves in. Furthermair, a non exercise type person like messel contributes immensely til the exchequer through massive alcohol/fags taxes an' then gets slated if ye cough or are are a wee bit hungover in work. Sports equipment like guttees, exercise bikes and the like shud be taxed prohibitively til stap folk injurin' themselves. Eejits.

Country People: As well as the social costs of high levels of inbreeding in parts of Tyrone and North Antrim, country folk place an' undue strain on the enviroment. They may want to live in the country, but all work in towns, thus requirin' roads an' things til get them in. They shud all be made to live in camps on the outskirts of Belfast. Except....

Farmers: When not throwin' dead sheep in watercourses or marryin' their cousins, farmers are complainin' about nat gettin' enough money fur the things they grow or whatever it is they dae. Then ye find thit they're all oan the fiddle fur European subsidies, which amounts til gettin money fur nat growin' things. Dae Ah get any money fur "settin aside" ma garden because Ah cannae be arsed cuttin' the grass? Nat now, but Ah will unner ma welfare reforms an' the Farmers can grow stuff for once, the ballix.

Belfast people: it is nat oor fault that every wall in yer city has a murial, thit yer men are short wi' wee moustaches an' yer teenage girls all wear tae much make up an' have 4 weans. Ah will tax Belfast people based on the nummer of times they say like in a sentence an' put the money into supportin' small market towns where the folk are more civilised. Except Hillsborough, fur they are a bunch o' pricks.

Unionist Laidership Bid

Ah'll admit thit there hasnae bin much happenin' in these parts this last wee while. This is due til complex socio-economic issues an alcohol, mainly, but Ah cudnae help but noticin' that there is a wee job opportunity in the UCUNFs. Ah cudnae let such an' opportunity pass me by, an hiv therefore bin persuaded til join the campaign til be laider o' the UUP. Ah' hiv screeded til them just now, an' hiv made a pole whereby ye can register yer support.

Dear Ulster Unionist Folk

As you will be aware Sir Reg of Empey has stud down an left the position o' laider o' yer party clean empey. Ah have bin fallyin' developments in the paper, an notice that oany twa candidates, Ah think, hiv come forward, namely yer boy frae Fermanagh an' the Rev Wullie McCrea. Ah was thinkin' that thy'on field is wile narra', an' was therefore nat shacked til approached by senior party figures fur til stawn messel*.

Ah hiv giv this matter some thocht, several beer's worth in fact, an' hiv decided fur til throw ma bowler intil the ring. Ah'll admit Ah'm nat a member, but the neither is Wullie McCrea, an' Ah kin join after Ah git elected. Ah hope fur til bring a modernisin' an' forward lukkin' approach til the campaign, an' list ma palicies below......

Yin: The tie up wi' the Tories was a ballix, sae we'll dump them an' get in cahoots wi' Red China. They hiv more money an' can encourage inward investment (Ah hiv bin learnin' wurds like thy'on ready for the election)

Twa: We need fur til get mair o' the o'er surt til vote fur us. Ah wud suggest that a rake o' senior figures shud spell their names wrang frae the noo. Thus Daphne Trimble wud become Daomphni Ni Trimbhhlle and David McNarry shud be Daffied og MacNearrphy. Ah'm taul the o'er sure are clean mad fur the odd names, sae thy'on will attract themuns.

Thrie: The DUPers reckon they hiv the Ulster Scots vote sewed up, oany because they elected a lunatic in Strangfurd. As a tap Ulster Scots figure messel, Ah will bring the hamely folk in behine us. Unner ma laidership we will spake in Ulster Scots in the Arsembly, an' all MLA's will wear Kilt/Bowler hats ensembles fur media appearances.

Fower: The Economy - is ballixed Ah reckon. Economic growth an' inward investment (see) will be encouraged through mair folk workin' fur cash in hand, thus enablin' them til claim the brew at the same time. This will stimulate somethin'. Incidentally Ah wurk fur cash oany, but we can sort that after Ah'm in.

Five: Corporation Tax. Ah dinnae knae whit thy'on is, sae Ah think we shud increase it or scrap it, dependin' oan what the English make us do.

Sax: Unionist Unity: We tell the DUPers they can join us any time they like, if they dinnae want til they can get til fek.

Lots of Love
Professor Billy McWilliams
Heid Yin o' 1690 an all thon, website/palitical think tank.

*(Ah admit thit this approach was limited til yin o' yer councillors walkin' past me the o'er day)