Ulster Scots Olympiad

As yis will be aware, fur they niver gie o'er aboot it, the Inglis hiv the Olympic Games next year. Ah hiv til admit Ah missed a trick on thy'on, fur Ah shud hiv stuck in a bid messel. It wud hiv done the Ards economy nae end o' guid til hiv folk runnin fast round Kirkistown race track.

It has alsae nat escaped ma attention thit despite the fact it is the Great Britain an' NORN IRON Olympic team, none o' the events are bein' helt here, meanin' thit yer average Ulster Scot will hiv til travel til that Ingland til luk at Tie Quan Doh or whitiver. This Ah hope fur til rectify by puttin' taegither an Olympiad fur the Ulster Scot, featurin' all the tap sports o' the Hamely Folk. In turn it will provide a welcome boost til the tourism industry, fur Ah will invite teams frae the Ulster Scots diaspora til take part, makin' it a truly international event.

The Ulster team will wear the ootfit designed by Daveboy durin' oor high level discussions in the hoke oot thing on the side o' this page. Men will therefore wear dealer boots, an aff-white vest, janes wi' a wile baggy arse, a body-warmer an a sash. Weemen will wear the same but wi' flouncy dresses til below the knee an' American Tan Tights insteid o' janes. A flaming petrol bomb will be carried across Ulster afore being hurled intil an oil drum on tap o' a fleg pole til launch the event, tae the accompaniment o' a rake o' Lambegs. Fallyin' this openin' ceremony we will be trated til an extravagent display o' sportin' prowess, wi' venues across the pravince playin' host til a wide variety of sports.

Yin: Dippin'.

Whereas foreign surts swim, Ulster Scots prefer til gae fur a Dip. This consists o' wadin' oot o'er the seaweedy bits o' Portrush or Ballywalter strand, an then walkin' slowly aboot whilst shiverin'. Dippin' will be helt o'er a variety o distances an depths, wi' an elite category calt the dingy tow, where ye wade aboot wi a load o' cold weans in a rubber boat behine ye.





Twa: The Bouncy Castle.

The Bouncy Castle is now an intrinsic part o' Ulster Scots culture. If ye are havin' a march, contentious or o'erwise, addin' a bouncy castle turns it intil a family fun day, thus eligible fur grant funnin'. Participants will bounce aboot in it, wi' marks giv fur nat fallin' aff or bangin yer heid aff ano'er competitor. Again an' elite category o' Pished Bouncy Castle will be included fur the expert.

Thrie: Hokin'

Helt in a big barn outside Ballynabragget, competitors will be give a series o' things til hoke fur in bran tubs. Fastest hoker wins obviously, but there will the appertunity to gain points by stylish hokin'. Incidentally Ah hid occasion til drive through Ballynabragget the o'er day an Ah saw a man that lukked wile like Melvyn Bragg aff the TV. Ah didnae take a photy though, fur thy'on wud hiv bin rude.

Fower: Gettin Red Up.

This will fally the hokin, as the latter is likely til lave a wile mess. Thus ladies will be required til get the place red up wile quick.

Five: Sangwich Makin'

Another Ladies only event. Weemen will make a variety o' sangwiches wile fast fur menfolk til ate in a tea tent after a parade. The sangwich varieties will be limited til Ulster Scots staples - Egg an' Onion, Ham, Cheese an' Ham, must be cut into triangles (fur that is pash) an' placed on yin o' them wee skinny trays that ladies have for such a purpose.

Sax: The Nat Madurn Pentathalon

As alsae discussed wi' Daveboy, this will combine tap Ulster Scots Activities intil a single sport. Participants will be expected til master haulin' yokes, lashin' stanes, diggin' sheughs, atin' sodas an' drinkin tay. This event will take place in a big mucky field ootside Dromara when it is clean pishin'.

Seven: Speed Danderin'

Much the same as the o'er folk Olympics "Speed Walkin'" only slower, wi' staps fur a natter wi' o'er competitors an' til luk o'er gates at sheep.

Ate: Barneyin'

This will replace baxin', an will involve havin' a quare barney wi' yer opponent whilst wearin' protective headgear. Winners will be decided by an expert judgin' panel or by a knackoot. an weight divisions will range Bantyweight through til Heiferweight.

Nine: Rakin'

Motor sports are generally excluded frae the Olympics, but nat the Ulster Scots yins. As well as Motorcycle road racin' roun' Tandragee, Kirkistown Race Track will play host til a rakin' competition. Young cubs wi' their sates tae far back in their motors will rake round the track at a quare lick, while playin' loud shite music. They will then drive til a petrol station an' talk til eacho'er through open windaes, before bein' taul aff by the RUC/PSNI fur havin' illegal nummerplates.

Ten: Pole Dancin' 

Nat really a sport, but then again neither is syncronised swimmin or beach vally ball an' Ah fancy judgin' it.

O'er matters. 

The pole bust on the last post, sorry about that, but it luks like Shite Ship is goantae win, barrin' a late surge frae Christine Bleakley, coincidentally somethin' Ah think on aften.

Gigantic Statue thing competition.

Ah was perusin' the news frae Scotland the o'er day an' come across a wee article describin' how they are fur gettin a gigantic statue type thing in Gretna til welcome folk o'er the border. Now in the England they hiv thon Angel o' the Nairth, an' they are chattin' aboot gettin a giant horse somewhere doon in the south. Maintimes we hiv feck all, an' Ah reckon this shud be rectified. Thus Ah hiv put ma heid taegither an' come up we some quintissentially Ulster Things which cud be stuck at papular arrival spats aroun' Norn Iron. Ah hivnae decided which yin Ah shud putt in fur a grant fur, an hape that yousuns will vote in the pole fur til help me wurk it oot.

Sculpture Yin:
Larne - The Buckfast o' The Nairth. 
Folk arrivin' will be greeted wi' a giant battle o' oor national drink wi' the added attraction o' stairs up inside it so ye can throw empty yins aff the tap at various bastards below.

Sculpture Twa:
Belfast - Big Bleakley

A statue o' oor finest export, atap the City Hall. Tourists will alsae be able til luk up her skirt frae unnerneath. At laist thy'on is whit Ah wud dae.

Sculpture Three:

Newry - Virgin Veda.

If yer on yer way in frae the Free State, perhaps havin' gat lost an ended up there accidentally there wud be nathin' better til greet ye than an unsullied giant loaf o' oor national bread.

Sculpture Four:

Belfast alternate - Shite Ship

Belfast folk are uncannily proud o' havin' built a big shite ship, so we shud mark this by stickin' it in the middle o' the Lough in a manner which best marks whit it is famous fur. 

Sculpture Five:

DerryLondonDerryLondon - Bright Lights, Shite City.

A tribute til oor second city's favourite pastime, wi' the added benefit o' gettin' rid o' thy'on "Hands across the Divide" brock which a child cud hiv come up wi'. The flaming tap will alsae be handy fur finin' yer way back til the Waterside shud ye get stuck amung the o'er surt after dark. 

Anyhow thon is yer lat, get votin' an' Ah'll start til fill in the farms fur DCAL.

Pokematch.com

Whilst perusin' the Newsletter, official newspaper o' the Ulster Scots community, the o'er day ma eye wis drew til the personal ad section. It saims thit there is a fair rake o' folk out there lukkin' fur love, but forced til rely on silly wee adverts extollin' their GSOH an' the like. This appears til me tae be a fairly unscientific way o' findin' a cuddy, sure whit can ye learn about someone frae a wee ad like thy'on. Ah, fur example, wud hiv til putt "Tap Academic, (P), aged 20 - 60, likes lyin' aroun' in his pants drinkin' chape beer. Seeks aisily plaised cuddy (P) til make his tay an' the like. Must hiv ain hair an' cheese grater fur the yin Ah hiv is frae pounland an' bends in the middle durin' the act o' gratin."

Noo obviously Ah am sorted fur Ah hiv ma Lovely Lesley, but o'erwise an interested cuddy wudnae hiv learnt tae much aboot messel frae the above description. In turn Ah hiv bin unable tae fully express the wide an' varied things Ah require frae herself. Like whither she kens how til prapurly cuk a soda an' willnae accidentally buy alcohol free beer frae fur her mawn's carry out. Thus Ah hiv decided fur til set up ma ain interweb datin' service fur the Ulster Scots community, cuttin' out the naid fur all that (P) and (RC) business an' ensurin' that if a cuddy latches ontil ye she'll knae how tae use the hamely tongue. In the absence o' any computational programmin' ability ye can complete the questionair below an' email it til messel. Ah will dae some complex sums an' try fur til set ye up wi' yer ideal love match.

Questionair thing.


Aboot You

Are ye: a) a cuddy b) a man
Religion: a) Presbyternian.b) nat Presbyternian but still a Pratestant.c) The o'er surt
Age:a) 18 - 25.b) 25 - 75.c) 75 or o'er
Height: a) Unner 5 fut. b) O'er 5 fut. c) nat sure
Weight:a) Skinny b) Middlin' c) Fat heifer.
Hair: a) Aye. b) Nay

Whit are ye lukkin fur?

Sax: a) a cuddy. b) a man. c) dinsae matter. d) Aye.

Religion: a) Presbyternian. b) nat Presbyternian but still a Pratestant. c) The o'er surt*

Age: a) 18 - 25. b) 25 - 75. c) 75 or o'er

Height: a) Unner 5 fut. b) O'er 5 fut. c) nat sure

Weight: a) Skinny: b) Middlin'. c) Fat heifer.

Hair: a) Aye. b) Nay

* if o'er surt selected plaise insure thit ye are the same surt as the o'er surt ye are lukkin fur. 

Likes an' Dislikes
Give aich o' the fallyin' things a score oot o' ten, wi' wan bein' nat likin' the thing, an' ten bein' likin' the thing a wile lat. Oor computer will match ye til some folk wi' similar intrests.

Tractors _____ Yokes______ Marchin' ______ Pokes ______
Wullie Drennan _______Drinkin' heavily ______ The O'er Surt ________ Church _____
Hokin' _______The Rev Dactur the Big Laird Paisley o' Bannside _______ Wee Ian Paisley _______
Catriona Ruin ______ Lambegs ______ The Newsletter ______ The Irish News ______
Coos _________ Dugs ________ Yos ________ Pussies ______
Motors _______ Unusually shaped stains ________  Unusally shaped Stanes _____Sodas ________
Cheese _______Motor Cycle Road Racin' ________ Rose Neill aff the news _______ Shars ________
American Tan Tights _______ Lukkin' in fields at things whilst yer car is wile badly parked ______ Scratchin' _______ Protestin' at things ______ leanin' on walls ________ Skitterin' ______
Baths _______Y Fronts ______ Muck _______ Slight hills ________
stape hills _______ fegs _______Champ _______ Brock  ________
Sausage Rolls _______ Sayin' "fur til" ________ Dancin' ______Radio Ulster _______
TnaG ______ The Twelfth _____ The Thirteenth ______ Portrush _____
Ibiza _____ Pontificatin' _____ Red Diesel ______ Flatulence ______

Furrer Infurmation.

Havin' complated the abuve ye are invited fur til write up til yin hunner wurds aboot yerself. Plaise include bank details an' a photy o' yersel if yer a cuddy. In the maintime Ah am alsae lukkin' intil a Gentlemawn's special interest site o' big gurls frae Ballynabragget.

Incontinental Airlines

As tends til happen frae time til time Ah hivnae writ tae much o' late, but this is oany because nat tae much has been happenin' roun' an' aboot. There his bin the annual "Aist Belfast Crass Community Field Sports" (sponsored by Buckfast Tanic Wine) an' somethin' aboot schools, but Ah dinnae pay paid much heid til such regular shenanigans. Insteid ma eye was drew by a wee video posted by yin o' ma mair metrapalitan, an' indaid metrasexual, facebuk chums. This purported til be a "Welcome til Belfast" thing shewed til folk arrivin' frae the America on the Incontinental Airlines, but lukkin' at it Ah immedietly twigged that it was missin' oot oan some o' the mair idiosyncratic qualities o' oor wee land. Hence Ah gat oantil themuns in the America, an hiv bin commissioned fur til rewurk the fillum, an' am rasionably proud fur til present it til yis here.

Incidentally if any o' yis ken o' any video saftware o'er than Windows Movie Maker thit Ah can download fur nathin' let me ken, fur it is really startin til pish me aff.

Tis the Saison til go Marchin'.....

Fa la la la la la, la la la la.

It wud saim we are fast approachin' the holiest time in the Ulster Scots religious calendar, the sacred saison which is the Marchin' yin. This fact wus brung hame tae me when the big fella in wurk forewent odd lukkin' kebab things an' announced he was on a diet fur til fit intil his suit fur the Twelfth. On further examination he revailed thit this suit wus reserved fur marchin, Masonic maitins an coort appearances, wi' attendance at the latter shortened by regular appearances at the farmer. At the moment we are in whit Ah like til term the "Advent period" o' the marchin' saison. Mini-Twelfths, which dinnae happen on any kine o' Twelfth whitsoever, an' road shuttin band parades predominate in anticipation o' the big events when we commemorate the Guid Laird sendin' us King Billy an' Governor Walker fur til save us frae hell, damnation, Popery an' RTE.

As such it a time o' reflection fur the committed Ulster Scot, a time fur takin' stock o' things an lukkin til the future, an Ah am nae acception. Ah hiv thus bin considerin' the marked decline in March Attendance in these secular times, whit wi' yung folk bein' mair interested in their X-Baxes an' Aye Pods than a guid walk in a contentious area. The Order hiv gone til some lengths til transform the whole extravaganza intil whit they now term "Orangefest", but in daein' sae they hiv merely pished aroun' the edges, never quite hittin' the middle o' the boul. Thus we hiv Lord Laird oan a big boat wi' a Lambeg, a wheen o' bouncy castles in a field, better toilet facilities an' hens in wee kilts daein' Scottish dancin'. Whilst Ah am all for wee cuddies swirlin' their legs aboot, Ah fur yin feel that this is all a bit like a pastor bringin' a gitar til church an' singin a rack version o' "Whit a Fren' we hiv in Jaysus." Slightly embarrassin' fur all concerned, aside frae Lord Laird wha' saims unembarrassable by anythin'. Therefore Ah tuk the liberty o' establishin' a thinkin tank fur til come up wi' better ways o' improvin' the Twelfth, an' Ah present the findins below.......

The Findins o' the March Thinkin Tank thing established by me.

A) Mair Contentious Marches - "There is nae such thing as bad publicity" said Oscar Wilde yin time, afore he gat hissel in wile buther o'er the heid o' bad publicity Ah assume, an the Marchin Saison lacks thon je nay say qua at the moment. The heidy days o' Drumcree are lang syne past, an oor youth are gettin saft. There is nathin' mair healthy fur a yung man than blackin' the odd road, it combines ootdoor activity wi' social interaction in a way that facebuk an' the Nintendo Wee cannae. Ah am quite sure the o'er surt wud be happy til be offended fur a bit as they wud get all the guid publicity laidin' til a win-win situation all round. In fak, if we thunk hard enough we cud prabably get a crass community grant fur it all.

B) A celebrity element - The Orange Order requires celebrity endorsements, somethin' which cud be achieved through the addition o' some kine o' reality TV type thing. Kinga frae Big Brother, H from Steps, Lembit Optic an' Lulu cud all be invited til live in Portydown fur a lock o' weeks tryin' til learn how til play the Lambeg. Simon Caul an' Sir Lord Alan Sugar cud judge them an' the winnin' team wud get til set light til a Bonefire an laid the parade on the big day.

C) A new dress code - suits an' bowler hats are nat a very fashionable luk, an' gie the wurld's media the appertunity to portray the Ulster Scot as a stern, dull individual. This cud be circumvented by introducin' fancy dress fur the parades. Orangemen dressed as sexy nuns, Fat Elvis an' characters frae Star Wars wud enliven proceedins an' lessen allegations o' sectarianism. Til a certain extent this has already been adapted in Tyrone were everyone dresses up as a farmer, an' by the Blood an Thunder bands who all dress up as Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club.

D)  Pole dancers insteid o' speeches aff the back o' a lorry - only auld folk listen anyway an' it wud quare an' liven up the field.

E) .Better Music - It is a little knain fact that the Ulster Scot invented rack an' roll, somethin' Ah shall prove at some point or o'er, but fur tae lang there has bin a focus on what can be loosely be termed "Orange" music, ignorin' the music o' thon o'er Loyal Order - the Black. Ah am taul that yung folk are mair intil "Music o' Black Origin", sae the Risin' Sons o' William an all shud learn tunes by thon Jay Zed, 50 Pence an' Big Diddy.

Ah hiv thus sent ma suggestions til the Grand Lodge an' hope fur til see them adapted in time fur the 2012 demonstrations. Ah will let yis ken if they get back til me.