As thosuns o' yis wha watch the news will knaw, oor Sammy wis awa' last week oan a national perk, yin which, fortunately fur the taxpayer, coincided wi' the Easter Hallydays. What yis maynae hae knaw wis that Sammy hid alsae organised a tap secret confrence fur tae examine the issues surroundin' climatic changin'. Sam his come in fur a lat o' criticism this last wile fur his skeptical ootluk, sae his response is tae be admired. Some o' the finest mines in wurld pseudo-science gathered in Annaclone an' Magherally Young Farmer's club fur a thrie day talkin' shap, an' thar conklusions micht jist shack ye. The keenote spaker wis Professor Yoko McKelvey, Emeritass Professor o' Rain at the Tokyo branch o' Supervalu. Ah am fortunate enough tae be privy tae his findins.
Professor McKelvey has bin examinin' a few o' the things surroundin' climatic changin', an his come tae the conklusion (through his larnin') that the wurld his bin misled. Fur tae lang, man has bin batin hissel up oer the head o' the greenhoose, when clearly it wasnae men, it wis weemen.
He his examined a wealth o' statististics an' noticed a strange correlation betwain the doins o' weemen an' the change in oor climate. In Figure yin (this yin) we kin clearly see that the amoont o' greenhoose gases his gone up at the same rate as weemen in cars. Now common sense wid tell ye that mair weemen oan the road is an inherintly bad thing, but ye micht nat hiv related it tae the impendin' global catastrophe.
Weemen are notoriously profligate when it comes tae pants. Praper men dinnae wurry tae much aboot the luk o' thair keks, sae lang as they prevent chaffin' an' stainin', but weemin* require a close match in colour across their smalls, laidin' tae unnecessary undergarment procurement. Many o' these fineries are fashioned oot o' man made fibres, which necessitates a drain oan global resources an' an inevitable impact oan oor environment. See Figure Twa (this yin here). It is clear frae this dubious statistic, that if weemen continue tae visit Marks at the present rate, the hole wurld will be flooded in nae time.
All ye really naid, accordin' tae Professer McKelvey, is thrie bits o' futwair: yin fur the week, yin fur the Kirk an' yin fur muck. Weemen, it wud saim, naid mair than that. The Professor claims that sum weemen own up tae 6 pairs o' shoes, an' perhap mair that thair men dinnae knaw aboot. Shoes are genrally made o' leather, which comes aff the back o' coos. Thaise in turn must be grazed, mainin' that entire rainforsts are bein' chapped doon tae feed the shoe habit o' weemen. Professer McKelvey his predicted dire consequences fur the planet if weemen dinnae catch themselfs oan an' listen til thar men. See figure thrie (abuve ah think).
Sevral decades o' femanism his led tae weemen makin' men invent things like dishwashers, washin' machines, small cars an' cheap shoes. All o' these use up important global resources, laivin' less oil fur tractors an' beer production. It wud saim that Sammy is richt, man his little tae dae wi the hole thing.
* In case Mrs McWilliams raids this, it's nathin tae dae wi' me. Dinnae shoot the messanger.