Fake Tan

Taeday Mrs McWilliams visited a fake tannin' place. This is an uncommen occurence, fur Mrs McWilliams usually cannae be arsed wi' that kindae carry on. Nivertheless her skin noo carries the lustre o' Ghandi after a hallyday an' ah dinnae knaw whar til luk. Thar are sum oot thar wha wid proclaim thit an "all over tan" is an abomination aginst the Laird, an' thit a tan shud oany be frae the elbows doon an' the neck up , but ah'm nat yin o' them. Howiver ah hiv til say thit if wimmin want "all over tans" they shud cut the grass in the nip, nat pay guid money fur it. Thy'ons whit ah dae.

Mair til the point hersel described the fake tannin' process til me, an' ah reckon ah've hit oan a new joab. Thar are twa ways o' doin' it.

Yin. Sum girl sprays ye frae heid til toe oot o' a fake tan gun. Ah've sprayed weeds, fences, cattle an' sheep, an' reckon ah cud be the mawn fur that. Apparently the weemen are near as guid as nakd when it's gittin' dun. Jaipers.

Twa. Ye dinnae jist spray them, ye rub it oan. In the name o' the Laird, whit kindae joab is thy'on? Ah kin rub wi' the best o' them (this is his wife speaking. I just came in to ask him to make me an espresso and found him licking his lips. I'm quite sure that all of the above is illegal. p.s i've never written on this site before and i don't intend to again. Thanks, H.)

Ignore thy'on interjection, I dinnae even knaw whit an' 'espressio' is, unless its sum kindae fancy tae.

Back tae fake tan. Sae ah've wurked oot thit the best joab in the wurld is dain' the fake tan fur weemin. Ma previous best joab wis bein' the bra measurin' up person in Marks an' Sparks, but it saims wi' the fake tannin' industry ye git "hawns oan" sae tae spake. Howiver ah am nathin' if nat a realist. If ah git doon tae "Ballyclare Brown Babes" they arnae goantae giv me a joab, fur ah'm a mawn. But, an' its a big but, if ah git messel tae the tech' fur a coorse, they kin hardly turn me doon. Ah'll git tae practise rubbin' stuff in, an' micht even git a City an' Guilds oot o' it. Jaipers wudn't it be guid if Iris Robinson turned up tae help oot the students...........

Yince ah git ma diploma an' open 'Orange fur Ulster' ah will introduce a new chargin' policy. Due tae the fak that Mrs McWilliams is richt an' wee, she barely uses up haff a tube o' the tannin' stuff, an yit she pays the same as a fat lass. Thar is manies a big brown lukkin' hen oot thar, an ah reckon ye shud pay by the poun'. Nat that ah'd be the mawn rubbin' it in, ah wud employ an underling fur the big gurls, an' save messel fur Strangford MPs.

Weemen

Oany a wee post taenicht fur the flyin' o'er tae London is reckin' havock wi' ma drinkin'

Controversy

Thar wis a wile controversy oe'r the heid o' the weemin an' the pants last week. A nummer o' yis ticked the boax sayin' insultin'' an a few oe'ers screeded intae 1690 tae claim that we hid adapted a sexist pose. Ah want til mak it clear (ish) that we here at 1690 are a cross community Ulster Scots Protestant group, an', as such, hiv nae time fur discerimination oaf oany sort. In fak we hiv sevral weemin wurkin' here at 1690, fur if we didnae, who wud mak oor tay?

Wee Fat Fishwives

Fur yince ah' agree wi' the vote results, the best thing aboot the Ards is indaid the wee fat fowk wha predominate in the aist Ards regin. Thar kin be nae mair frennly fowk than themuns o' Portavogie. Thar specil welcome is best summed up in the colorful designs that they paint in the road, a "must see" fur tourists wurld wide.

Ah hid a wurd wi' Billy McQuillan (o' the South Aist Ards Bible an' Caterin' College) tae see if he cud shed oany licht oan the pecular charm (an' short/fatness) o' the Ards folk. Billy explained that it awl comes doon tae careful selective breedin' by the local inhabitants, insurin' that the wee fat gene remains strang.

Nixt pole-

Which o' these hens daes maist tae cause climate changin'?

Climatic Changin' Confrence.

Secret Confrence

As thosuns o' yis wha watch the news will knaw, oor Sammy wis awa' last week oan a national perk, yin which, fortunately fur the taxpayer, coincided wi' the Easter Hallydays. What yis maynae hae knaw wis that Sammy hid alsae organised a tap secret confrence fur tae examine the issues surroundin' climatic changin'. Sam his come in fur a lat o' criticism this last wile fur his skeptical ootluk, sae his response is tae be admired. Some o' the finest mines in wurld pseudo-science gathered in Annaclone an' Magherally Young Farmer's club fur a thrie day talkin' shap, an' thar conklusions micht jist shack ye. The keenote spaker wis Professor Yoko McKelvey, Emeritass Professor o' Rain at the Tokyo branch o' Supervalu. Ah am fortunate enough tae be privy tae his findins.

Man Made my Arse.

Professor McKelvey has bin examinin' a few o' the things surroundin' climatic changin', an his come tae the conklusion (through his larnin') that the wurld his bin misled. Fur tae lang, man has bin batin hissel up oer the head o' the greenhoose, when clearly it wasnae men, it wis weemen.

He his examined a wealth o' statististics an' noticed a strange correlation betwain the doins o' weemen an' the change in oor climate. In Figure yin (this yin) we kin clearly see that the amoont o' greenhoose gases his gone up at the same rate as weemen in cars. Now common sense wid tell ye that mair weemen oan the road is an inherintly bad thing, but ye micht nat hiv related it tae the impendin' global catastrophe.

Pants.

Weemen are notoriously profligate when it comes tae pants. Praper men dinnae wurry tae much aboot the luk o' thair keks, sae lang as they prevent chaffin' an' stainin', but weemin* require a close match in colour across their smalls, laidin' tae unnecessary undergarment procurement. Many o' these fineries are fashioned oot o' man made fibres, which necessitates a drain oan global resources an' an inevitable impact oan oor environment. See Figure Twa (this yin here). It is clear frae this dubious statistic, that if weemen continue tae visit Marks at the present rate, the hole wurld will be flooded in nae time.

Shoes

All ye really naid, accordin' tae Professer McKelvey, is thrie bits o' futwair: yin fur the week, yin fur the Kirk an' yin fur muck. Weemen, it wud saim, naid mair than that. The Professor claims that sum weemen own up tae 6 pairs o' shoes, an' perhap mair that thair men dinnae knaw aboot. Shoes are genrally made o' leather, which comes aff the back o' coos. Thaise in turn must be grazed, mainin' that entire rainforsts are bein' chapped doon tae feed the shoe habit o' weemen. Professer McKelvey his predicted dire consequences fur the planet if weemen dinnae catch themselfs oan an' listen til thar men. See figure thrie (abuve ah think).

In Conklusion

Sevral decades o' femanism his led tae weemen makin' men invent things like dishwashers, washin' machines, small cars an' cheap shoes. All o' these use up important global resources, laivin' less oil fur tractors an' beer production. It wud saim that Sammy is richt, man his little tae dae wi the hole thing.

* In case Mrs McWilliams raids this, it's nathin tae dae wi' me. Dinnae shoot the messanger.

An' an o'er thing.

Whit is it wi' weemen an' canles? Ah just foun' oot that ma missus spent in excess o' 12 o' the Queen's Poonds on jist yin o' them. Whit in tha name o' Ian is that all aboot. If ah spend 2.99 on yin lang life bulb ah git a luk that wid stir porrige, an it lasts fur 12 million hurs (or the like). Naw ye maun nae git a smell aff a lite bulb, bit yil sure as naw set fire til yersel lukin' fur a beer in the fridge.

Ah was concerned aboot this strang diffrence betwixt the sexes, so a had a wee wurd wi' Dr Eileen McIlWilliamwilliamson o' the Skool o' Gender at Aughnacloy Wee Girls Study Centre. She taul me that thru her larnin' she has come tae the conklusion that its doon tae the fact that men invented elecktricity*, an' the weemen cannae cope wi that, so tha git revenge by spendin' oor hard earned poonds on meltin' wax that wud barely lite a bonefire.

Nat tae be sexist o'er the like, bit dinnae git me ontae cushuns.

Which laids me oan til a wee bit af a snap survey, ye can tak part if ye fancy a go.



*invented by an Ulster Scot, most likely. Ah'll luk it up.