New Car, TV an' Sangwiches

New Car

As mentioned the o'er day, the McWilliamses ventured oot fur tae purchase a braw new auld big car fur the Mrs. It is a tremendous thing til behaul. It is sae high aff the groun' thit Mrs McWilliams, bein' wee, requires a complex system o' black an' tackle tae git in, an' the help o' a passin' stranger til git back oot.

We in the McWilliams hoosehaul are nathin' if nat loyal. The (former) Minister fur the Enviroment, the Rt Hon Councillor Sammy Wilson MP MLA, taul us thit thars nathin' mankine kin dae aboot the auld climatic changin', sae we've tuk him at his wurd. The new yoke is called a Mitsubishi Polluta, thrie Litres an' twa tuns o' Carbon Footprint oan wheels. As we driv up hame the oer day we were pumpin' oot thit much diesel thit ah cud virtually see the climate change aroun' the motor. Leaves were fallin aff trees an' at laist yin species o' butterflee bit the dust as we made oor way through Stewartstoon. Howiver we arnae tae wurried aboot the hole thing, fur we liv near til the border an' kin git oor diesel in the Free State.

There is yin prablem buggin' me, fur the new auld car is o' a green hue. Herrsel is already startin' til wurry aboot whit the ladies in the Lodge will mak o' it nixt time she's doon the hall.

Sangwiches

Taeday ah bought a sangwich made by a company called Freshways. Chicken an' Bacon it wis, fur ye aways naid a bit o' bacon, an' very nice it wis tae. Ah wis raidin' the back o' the packet, as ye dae, an' noticed thit they invite recipe suggestions. Ah fur yin am aways willin til help oot an thus when Patsy (frae oor wurk) discovered thit egg sangwiches kin be improved by addin' a few beef monster munch ah e-screeded til them directly, advisin' thim o' this new taste sensation.

Ah reckon thit oor raiders here at 1690 are mair than capable o' inventin new types o' sangwich, an' suggest thit we awl bombard Freshways wi' suggestions, in a helpful way o' coorse. Ah reckon thit naebudies iver made a lamb, peach an' marmite sangwich befair, fur example.

Thar e-screed address is chefskitchen@freshways.ie if ye fancy helpin' oot.

TV.

Ah shud prabably apologise tae the Linekar family after ma diatribe agin' Gary an' Danielle's Northern Exposure last Friday nicht, but ah won't, fur it is the wurk o' Satan. Aside frae the fak it maks us folk luk like a bunch o' panderin' pricks, the entire premise an' pun o' the name o' the show is based oan an early 90s American "kooky" drama set in Alaska. Nae doot this wis a reference missed by most o' the audience, but ah'd gie them "Northern Exposure" fur ah'd tak thum tae Ballymena an' git Wullie McIlveen til show them his Orange Order Medallion. Twin Freaks, mair like.

Thit said, Serendipity A Pearson (in the comments last time) suggested a pole fur tae wurk oot the wurst Norn Iron TV programme o' oor time. This wis a tough yin, but ah giv yis......

Yin - The Skool Aroun' the Corner. (Frank Mitchell - why?)

Twa - Gie ma Heid Peace (bastards)

Thrie - Town Challenge (Hugo Duncan!!! Local folk!!!)

Fower - Gary an' Danielle's Northern Exposure. (see above an' belaw.)

Five - Panic Attack (a "game show" wi' Steven Nolan an' a tap prize o' 6 pouns.)

Ah cud add mair. Last weeks pole fur best mixer is won by Broon. Thank the Laird.

Histry

Nixt time, ah will dae histry, ah pramise......

Weemen

Oany a wee post taenicht fur the flyin' o'er tae London is reckin' havock wi' ma drinkin'

Controversy

Thar wis a wile controversy oe'r the heid o' the weemin an' the pants last week. A nummer o' yis ticked the boax sayin' insultin'' an a few oe'ers screeded intae 1690 tae claim that we hid adapted a sexist pose. Ah want til mak it clear (ish) that we here at 1690 are a cross community Ulster Scots Protestant group, an', as such, hiv nae time fur discerimination oaf oany sort. In fak we hiv sevral weemin wurkin' here at 1690, fur if we didnae, who wud mak oor tay?

Wee Fat Fishwives

Fur yince ah' agree wi' the vote results, the best thing aboot the Ards is indaid the wee fat fowk wha predominate in the aist Ards regin. Thar kin be nae mair frennly fowk than themuns o' Portavogie. Thar specil welcome is best summed up in the colorful designs that they paint in the road, a "must see" fur tourists wurld wide.

Ah hid a wurd wi' Billy McQuillan (o' the South Aist Ards Bible an' Caterin' College) tae see if he cud shed oany licht oan the pecular charm (an' short/fatness) o' the Ards folk. Billy explained that it awl comes doon tae careful selective breedin' by the local inhabitants, insurin' that the wee fat gene remains strang.

Nixt pole-

Which o' these hens daes maist tae cause climate changin'?

Climatic Changin' Confrence.

Secret Confrence

As thosuns o' yis wha watch the news will knaw, oor Sammy wis awa' last week oan a national perk, yin which, fortunately fur the taxpayer, coincided wi' the Easter Hallydays. What yis maynae hae knaw wis that Sammy hid alsae organised a tap secret confrence fur tae examine the issues surroundin' climatic changin'. Sam his come in fur a lat o' criticism this last wile fur his skeptical ootluk, sae his response is tae be admired. Some o' the finest mines in wurld pseudo-science gathered in Annaclone an' Magherally Young Farmer's club fur a thrie day talkin' shap, an' thar conklusions micht jist shack ye. The keenote spaker wis Professor Yoko McKelvey, Emeritass Professor o' Rain at the Tokyo branch o' Supervalu. Ah am fortunate enough tae be privy tae his findins.

Man Made my Arse.

Professor McKelvey has bin examinin' a few o' the things surroundin' climatic changin', an his come tae the conklusion (through his larnin') that the wurld his bin misled. Fur tae lang, man has bin batin hissel up oer the head o' the greenhoose, when clearly it wasnae men, it wis weemen.

He his examined a wealth o' statististics an' noticed a strange correlation betwain the doins o' weemen an' the change in oor climate. In Figure yin (this yin) we kin clearly see that the amoont o' greenhoose gases his gone up at the same rate as weemen in cars. Now common sense wid tell ye that mair weemen oan the road is an inherintly bad thing, but ye micht nat hiv related it tae the impendin' global catastrophe.

Pants.

Weemen are notoriously profligate when it comes tae pants. Praper men dinnae wurry tae much aboot the luk o' thair keks, sae lang as they prevent chaffin' an' stainin', but weemin* require a close match in colour across their smalls, laidin' tae unnecessary undergarment procurement. Many o' these fineries are fashioned oot o' man made fibres, which necessitates a drain oan global resources an' an inevitable impact oan oor environment. See Figure Twa (this yin here). It is clear frae this dubious statistic, that if weemen continue tae visit Marks at the present rate, the hole wurld will be flooded in nae time.

Shoes

All ye really naid, accordin' tae Professer McKelvey, is thrie bits o' futwair: yin fur the week, yin fur the Kirk an' yin fur muck. Weemen, it wud saim, naid mair than that. The Professor claims that sum weemen own up tae 6 pairs o' shoes, an' perhap mair that thair men dinnae knaw aboot. Shoes are genrally made o' leather, which comes aff the back o' coos. Thaise in turn must be grazed, mainin' that entire rainforsts are bein' chapped doon tae feed the shoe habit o' weemen. Professer McKelvey his predicted dire consequences fur the planet if weemen dinnae catch themselfs oan an' listen til thar men. See figure thrie (abuve ah think).

In Conklusion

Sevral decades o' femanism his led tae weemen makin' men invent things like dishwashers, washin' machines, small cars an' cheap shoes. All o' these use up important global resources, laivin' less oil fur tractors an' beer production. It wud saim that Sammy is richt, man his little tae dae wi the hole thing.

* In case Mrs McWilliams raids this, it's nathin tae dae wi' me. Dinnae shoot the messanger.

Dinnae Badger oor Sam. (a better heidline than the last yin)

Bluey/Orangeyness

Fur thosuns oot thair wha fally this, av changed colours agin'. The votin' a few odd weeks back wis inconclusive but the fitba wis over, an ah hid naithin' better til dae.

Return o' the Man.

Guid news fur supporters o' Sammy Wilson who his arisin' frae his holt tae take a stan' for a cause close tae the enviromentalists' harts. Sammy his ris up fur the badger, yin o' the native Ulster Scot native spices. He his demandeded a stap til the batin' o' them, insteid lukkin fur the perpretaters til be slammed up. Interestinly Sammy his blamed the Direk Rule goverment fur a failure tae dail wi' these boys correkly, an' calls fur mair co-operation wi' the Free State. Wile ah' think he's up a left thair, he is richt til raise his heid oan this, an' his spakesman said this firm stanin' wis nathin' til do wi' the enviromental madness o' last week.

Baste

Fur comment oan this ah hid a wurd wi' Jackie McElholm o' the Larne branch o' the Ulster Scots Anti-Baste an' Fish Batin' League who wus all in favir o' Sammy's move. Jackie said that the Badger, wi his cute black an' white face, wis symbolic o' the new multi-cultural Ulster, albiet yin wair the Ulster Scot was chief. He argued that if ye wanted til bate a baste yid be better off sortin' oot a non-native spice like the pygmy shrew.

Polis

Ah tried til use a few polis contaks frae the early 70s til talk til yin o' the baters themselfs but dispite thair best efforts we cudnae git haul o' them. Howiver yin Specil Branch contak reckoned that somethin' mair sinsiter was afoot. He taul me that the batin ring was a cross border lat based aroun' Newry. Ah think we all knaw ethnic cleansin' when we see it.

Polin

Nain o' this detracts frae oor pole, fur it is still advisable that Sugar Ray shud hae oor insite intil who shud replace Sammy, if naids must. Iris is currently straits aheid an' ah'm fur thinkin' that thy'on photae ah stuck up micht be influencin' ye, but ah want ye tae furget her beuty an' think oan hard political ideals. Though she is lovely. Very lovely indaid.

Bit Sax - Farmin' Folk

Sammy Update

Afore we git movin' we naid fur til update yis oan the Sammy Wilson/Climate Changin' controversy. Ah' hid thought that the interventshun o' Antoinette Givenchy (see belaw) wid hiv put a stap til this carry oan, but it saims that the Enviroment Committee o' Stormount didnae pay heed til her wise wurds. Thiv declared that thiv nae confidence in Sammy by a vote o' sax tae fower. Ah'd call oan all richt thinkin' folk oot thair tae put pen til paper and screed tae thar MLA demandin' that Sammy is kept oan. Wi' that in mine ah've changed the pole this week. Ah had intended fur a ficht aff between the winners o' the last twa poles bit instied ah'm given yis a democratik forum til' register yer feelins. When the new pole shuts, ah'll send the results tae thy'on Green Party boy up at Stormount. Saxth place in the Nairth Doon election disnae give him the richt til cause this baither fur yin o' Ulster politics finest mines.

Last weeks Pole.

Last week we had a luk at the fichtin' skills o' the Shinners. Ah' wis shacked til see that yis dismissed the merits o' the twa boyos oot o' hawn an' it came doon 'til a cat ficht between de Brown an' Ruane. In the end it fell til Bairbre, an' ah'll accept that she's a richt hard ticket. Personally ah' hiv a wee saft spat for oor husky voiced Ministair o' Larnin' fur ah' admire the commitment she shaws til oor Larnin' system here in Norn Iron. This is a woman who tuk her ain wains oot o' the vastly superior Comprehensive system in the Free State an' inflicted a divisive Ulster Grammer Skool oan them. Ye cudnae ask fur anymair than thy'on.

Howiver oor grant fundin' frae the European Fund Agin' Killin' In the Nairth So as Tae Arrange Peace (EuFAKINSTAP) requires us 'til dae a Histry thing, sae fur noo wi'll leave the present behine an' move back 'til the Neolithic.

Bit Sax: The Braw New Stain Times.

Afore we begin it wid be as well fur me tae anticipate the bleatens o' the likes o' Tim Tim McPat Coogan. Taenicht ah'll jist be takin' a quick luk at the Ulster Scots origins o' the Neolithic Folk, laivin' their way o' life til Bit Sen. In his ramblins Tim will inevitably insist that these new folk came frae Andorra or whariver, but we can soon cut oot that claptrap.

As wiv seen in Bit Five, themuns in the Middle Stain Times were no mad folk, shiftin' aboot in search o' food an shelter, but this cudnae go oan furiver. Sax oor sen odd thousan' years hence new folk cum here, bringin' wi them a braw new way o' livin'. They didnae move aboot, they wur farmers.

Drums

As farmers these folk brung bastes wi' them, new bastes, no the native spices yid gat befair. They brung coos an' yos o'er, big bastes that nae man cud fit in a boat frae Spain. They mustae cum frae sumwair nearer at hawn; an that place is maist likely tae hiv bin Scotland. Yin o' the bastes they brought wi' them wis the goat, a key ingredient in the manufakture o' a Lambeg Drum. Ah checked wi' the Archaeologits an' wile the admit that they havnae yit foun' a Neolithic Lambeg, they hiv confessed tae me that thiv foun' nae proof that thair wasnae any.

Potterin'

Furthermair, as wi'll see in Bit Sen (Life in the New Stain Times), yin o' the maist important things that turned folk intae farmers was the inventshun o' the pot. We micht well tak oor porcelin fur granted these days, but back then it was a wile important thing fur storin' the farmer's guids. Wi'oot pots, thared be naewair til store yer fuid, sae nae point in farmin. The auldest pots foun' in Ireland were foun' at Lyles Hill, Co Antrim, the haim o' the Ulster Scot. Now whitiver Tim Tim an' his ilk micht cum up with, ye hiv tae accept that any new folk wid be highly unlikely tae lug thair bastes an pots the hole way frae Spain tae Antrim befair they started at the farmin'. Jist as in the Middle Stain Times, the Neolithic folk wud a' goat doon tae busness as near as so tae wair they landed.

Recktangle

Finally the Iberian lobby shud be aware o' the fact that the folk o' the New Stain Times didnae build roun' hooses like the Mesolithic Folk. They had invented the recktangle hoose, wha' hid the bonus o' gable ends, hawny places fur murials o' boys on wicht horses.

Hopefully that will remove sum o' the usual queries, an' nixt time we can git doon tae the life o' the New Stain Folk.

In the maintime, mak' sure ye register yer support fur Sammy.

Save oor Sammy.

Thair his bin a wile lat o' discushun aboot Sammy, oor esteamed Ulster Scots Ministair o' the Enviroment, o'er the last cupple o' days. Yinst he commented that it wis awl richt tae git tae skool in thrie fut o' snaw, then he banned an advertizment fur global warmin'. Ah feel that folk hiv bin wile hard oan him bit ah thought ah shud check me facts. Ah goat oan the elektric telefone tae Professer Antoinette Givenchy, frae the Ulster-Huguenot Skool o' Alledged Climatic Changin' Events at Lisnafiffy Creationist College, an she giv' me her thoughts.

Surprisinly she belives that Sammy's wrang (!) aboot the gettin' tae wurk in the snaw, an' points oot that MLAs arnae sae guid at gettin tae wurk wi'oot it, bit says that he micht well be correk aboot the climate change ads.

Fur why:

Ai: Thar his bin a wile lat o' snaw, nat sae much warmin'. Here oan the McWilliams estate ah' can bairly see the coachin' stables.

Be: The wurld is furiver warmin' an coolin', its called wither.

See: If CO2 really did cause warmin', then fire extinguishers would be hat, pit yer han' oan yin nixt time ye pass yin.

Dee: The adverts arnae very guid, yin o' them tells ye tae stap ivry time ye see a red licht. Try that in Amsterdam an' yil be knackered in nae time.

Eee: The Green party are sayin' it, an' thar nat Orange.

Eff: Since oor new stain circle wis discovered, (luk at the earlier poast - BRAKIN' NEWS) the Ministair his bin distracted, spenin' a wile lat o' time lukin roond it. Ye really cannae blaim Sammy fur bein' up his ain Ring oan this occashun.


Annie concludes that ye shud forgive Sammy oan this an' gie him an o'er chance, fur sure wair wid we be wi'oot him.