Poles an' New Thing

A late postin' the week fur we here at 1690 hiv bin debatin' a new concept oer the last few days. Ah hid originally posted aboot this late last night, but then changed ma mine an' deleted it. Ah wisnae tae sure whither we shud branch oot or nat, but in the end ah've decided tae go wi' the flow.

The prablem is that ah've bin contacted by yin Professor Archibald Kincaid, heid o' big sums at the LSE (Larne Skool o' Economics). His team hiv set up the Ulster Akademic Research + Statistics Executive, an' wish tae link wi' us. They argue that oor poles hiv bin spewin' oot a wealth o' statistics oan Ulster Scotsness but then are lost til akademia when they are deleted. They propose tae use thar site tae act as a suppository fur oor statistics, as well as generatin' new research. We hiv added them til oor side bar thing sae ye kin keep abreast o' developments.

Adultery.

The marriage guidance pole is lukkin' interestin'. Keep yer advice comin'.

Speed pole.

Yis were awl wrang, as awl the speeds are the same. They equate til the maximum speed o' a wee Massey Ferguson 135 doon Rathfriland hill wi' the wind behine it.

This weeks pole.

The wither is wile hat fur a change, allowin' me tae cut ma grass fur the yinst time in weeks. Ah visited the shap wi' Billy Junior fur tae buy him a poke, an' the plethora o' differn' types o' pokes oan offer frae the fat girl behine the counter was quite dizzyin'. That put me tae thinkin oan a new pole, fur as everyin knaws, there's nathin better mair importan' til an Ulster Scot than a nice big poke oan a Sunday evenin'.

Poles an Arses

Eurovision Arse Contest (Agin)

The mair observent o' yis will hiv noticed that ah hiv deleted oor post backing Genial Jim Allister in the next election. Yin o' oor Europe Funders taeday pointed oot that oor fundin' cud be at risk if we continue til interfere in palitics, partikularly o' the Euro kind. That an the fak that ma braither pointed oot that Jim is a barrister an' micht sue the arse clean aff us if we mak stuff up. Nat that it was made up, if ye ken? Apologies tae awl, we shall hencefowerth be purely histerical an' kultural.

Poles

Which brings me til this weeks pole.
In the end yis voted fur clatter o'er rake, but yis were wrang, although ah hiv til admit that there his bin sum debate in the 1690 boordroom o'er this. Basically the Ulster Scots sistem o' measurements is loosely based oan the auld Imperial system, nain o' the European metric brock (that is nat a palitical comment, fundin' man.)

It can be summed up as fallies
Yin Wheen = Twa and 3/4 bits.
Yin lock = Fower Wheens - yin bit.
Yin Clatter = Thrie and a haf locks + a wheen
Yin Rake = a wile lock o' clatters.

Thus a rake is the biggest measure.
Interestinly if ye add up the sum o' 4 wheens, 2 locks, a clatter and haf a rake an' divid the anser by a lock ye get 3.14. A useful nummer in big sums, potentially provin' that Ulster Scots invented pie.

Ah near furgat aboot a new pole - this yin luks at speed.

Bit Ten point Yin – The Irn Ages

Ah hiv decided til conduct an experiment the nicht by writin’ this whilst relatively sober, fur this jet set lifestyle is takin’ its tole. Remembrin' the funding criteria o' oor backers, Ah feel it is importan' fur me tae return tae the bloags histerical roots, necessisitatin’ a mair academic approach than yis micht hiv become usetae of late. Thus taenicht we examine yin o’ the maist importan’ an controvershal times in oor histry – the Irn Ages.

Celtics.
The Irn Ages wis a period o’ grate change across Ulster an’ the Free State. As the name o’ the age suggests, folk started tae use Irn insteid o’ Branze fur makin’ a lock o’ thar tools an’ the like. Irn is a better metal than branze, an’ ye can make better things oot of it, sae this was a big stap forwards. Sae far sae guid, nathin’ controvershul in thy’on, ah hear ye say, better tools an’ the like are grand fur a hauny folk wi’ a protestant work ethnic, like, say, the Ulster Scot.

Swords
Howiver the question arises as tae whar the folk o’ the Irn Ages larned how tae dae the new metal wurkin’, did they make it up fur themselfs, or did some foreign types come in and bate it intae them. Supporters o’ the latter thery claim that Irn ages tecknology was brung by folk frae central Europe, wurkin’ in a style noo referred tae as the Hallstatt Culture. These foreign folk were the Ulster Scot’s arch enemy – the Celtics.

Pats an’ Romans
Alsae wurryin’ fur the Ulster Scot historian is the fak that bits o’ irn arnae the oany things the archaeologits hiv hoked oot. Thiv alsae foun’ a type o’ pattery called La Tene, differn’ frae that made by the Branze Ages boys, gi’en fairther credence tae a thery o’ invasion an’ conquest. Futhermair, these boys wud say, the Celtic culture survived in Ireland untouched til the middle ages, even the Ancient Romans cudnae invade.

Fur years folk in the Free State hiv made a big play oot o’ this – Celtic this an’ Celtic that. “Luk at oor twisty knots yis Ulster Scots boys yis” they like tae say, “we invaded here an’ brung Irn wi’ us, sae we’re here langer than yousuns.”. (Oany they say it differn’)
This is, of coorse, ballicks, as we will gae oantae prove.

Buk.

Perplexed by the saiminly incontrovertable evidince, ah’ turned tae Professor Wullie McIlveen fur ansers. How, says I, can the Ulster Scot claim histerical lineage tae the Stain Age folk if he gat a doin’ frae the Celtics an’ wis kicked oot. Wullie near as hid a fit when ah said this but agraid tae summarise fur us the key arguments o’ his new buk – “Celtics my Arse – an examination of Early-Mid Iron Age Culture in Ireland” (BAR 2009). As usual Wullie has hit the nail oan the heid an’ highlichted the inconsistencies o’ the Celtics.

Yin – The busness wi’ the swords

The Ulster Scots hid bin makin’ swords fur ages, albeit oot o’ branze, an’ in fak, hid even made branze swords in the same style as the Hallstat folk. If Celtics hid invaded then thar hardly likely tae stap makin’ Irn yins an’ make branze yins that luk a bit the same. Bein’ smart an’ resourceful, the Ulster Scots wur perfeckly capable o’ copyin’ the yins o’ the Celtics.

Twa – The busness wi the Pats.

The Archaeologits micht hiv foun’ bits o’ La Tene pats, but they hivnae foun’ that much o’ it. Even if they did that’s nat tae say that Celtics folk were cukkin’ in the pats. I micht hiv somethin’ made in Red China but that disnae main ma names Ying Po McWilliams. The Ulster Scots micht hiv traded wi the Celtics, or maybes rabbed stuff aff them.

Wullie alsae points oot that jist because the Archaeologits foun’ the skull of an ape at Navan it disnae main monkeys invaded County Armagh. Ah’m nat sae sure o’ the veracity o’ this argument, fur ah’ve bin tae Markethill.

Thrie – The Romans nat getting here.

“Sae whit?” says Wullie. Put simply, if ye want tae stap Romanists then thars nae better boys than Ulster Scots.

Clearly thar is mair tae this Celtics/Irn Ages thing than swords an’ a few broken bits o’ pats, but that wid be tae much tae dail with oan yin evenin’. It will hiv tae wait fur Bit Ten point Twa, mainly because ah’m watchin’ the thing aboot the Normans on Channel Fower.

Aither stuff:

Iris an’ Peter

Oor yinst cupple foun’ themselfs in a spat o’ baither last week o’er the heid o’ thar expenses. The media made in partikular a big play aboot the fak that they hid spent a few extra poun’ oan food. This saims unreasonable tae me, Iris is a grawn big girl wi’ healthy appetites, an’ Peter naids tae ate plenty tae keep his strength up fur tae fulfil his duties. He knaws that manies a mawn, maself included, wud happily step intae his shoes shud his powers weaken.

Bill Gates

Wi’ a guid protestant name like that yid think that Microsoft Word wid hiv an Ulster Scots spell checker. Ah hiv hid terrble buther wurkin' oafline the nicht.

1690

The visiter nummer thing is gettin' excitin'.

Vote Early Vote Aiften....

Big Udders.

Ah'm nat goantae bang oan any fairther oe'r the heid o' the weemen an climatic changin' aside tae point oot this article aboot big chists.


Beyond thy'on we hiv an election oan oor hawns (as the Japanese lady said til the bishop.)

Big Elections.

We here at 1690 hiv bin hivin' a furious, an occashunally sober, debate aboot which o' the myriad o' Ulster Scots Unyinist candidates we shud support cummin' June. It is a tough choice, givin' the impeccible record o' awl the candidates, so ah' thunk it micht be best til giv yousuns, the raiders, the opportunity til decide wha' line we shud take. Ah thairfore hiv compiled a list o' pros an' cons fur each canditate, an' frae thar ah'll laive it fur yersens.

Jim Allister MEP (Tradishunal Unyinist Voice)

Fur:

• Is Tradishunal


• Is a Unyinist


• His a voice


• Saims fairly smart

Agin:

• Is a lawyer


• Is really quite frightenin'.


• Has twa first names; praper Scots hiv twa surnames
  

Diane Dodds ((small d) Democratic Unyinist Party)

Fur:

• Is married til Nigel, who is smart


• His bin a councillor fur ages, so knaws awl aboot European Politics.


• Is nae threat til Iris in the annual DUP luvly girl's competishun.

Agin:

• Is married til Nigel, who is smart


• His bin a councillor fur ages, so knaws awl aboot European Politics.


• Is nae threat til Iris in the annual DUP luvly girl's competishun

Jim Nicholson (Ulster Cunservitive an' Unyinist New Farce)

Fur:

• He's a CUNF


• Is a farmer


• Luks like yin o' us.

Agin:

• Who?


• When did ye last hear frae him?


• Luks like yin o' us.

Ah wud say that the choice is limitless, except that it clearly is. Which yin shud we support...Ah will laive youse tae be the judge in this week's pole.

Furgat

Incidentally, last weeks pole turned oot Catriona, the second sexiest woman in Stormount (husky voice, hates children - whits nat tae like?), as the biggest cause o' Climatic Changin amung hens. Ah hiv til disagree oan this yin. She niver his that goldy colored shoulder pad nummer aff her, sae she cannae spen tae much oan clothes.

Visiter Shack

Due tae the fak that 1690 his appeared oan some English boy's website, sumwair approachin' a wheen o' new visiters hiv foun' thar way oantae here. Like the by noo infamos Saubeth Times apprearance, this his maist likely laid til a lat o' confused fowk wha cannae unnerstawn the Ulster Scots Tongue. Tae keep them richt ah will point oot that this bloag is an alcohol fuelled, European funded, non-sectarian Ulster Scots edukational website, written by a team of archaeologits an' histry experts at some o' Ulsters finest akademic institushuns. As such it is writ in the vernacular langwidge, if yer stuck, read it in a Scottish accent an' ye micht get sumawair.