Palitics

As revailed in the last instawlment, we hiv accidentally wun a prize in a palitical blog competition. We thunk lang an' hard as tae how we iver gat involved in the competition in the yinst place, but then Wullie McIlveen admitted he gat pished an' put oor name intil thy'on Total Palitics site. As such paliticly registered folk, 1690 is therefower, prabably, oblaged tae dail wi' palitical things, even though we are officially banned frae dae'in it by yin o' oor European funn'ers.

Ah, fur yin, hate palitics in Norn Iron, it is genrally practised by arse folk wha left skool wi' a CSE Grade Yin in Lukkin' Hard Studies oor else went til University tae study farmin', cudnae make oany frens, sae joint a palitical party tae git sum, didnae, but nivertheless ended up an MLA. Howiver wi' oor new foun' status as a palitical blog ah hiv lukked at the news fur the yinst time in ages. Obviously blogs are meant til break unknain news tales, but ah cannae be arsed, sae ah lukked at the BBC instied.

Story Yin

The arseembly are sortin' oot thar digital TV coverage. Ah assume this will allow us awl tae luk at Sir Reg Empy in HD. Nat really a story ah'll grant ye, but did oany o' yis iver luk at it oan analogue?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/8211762.stm

Story Twa

Nat the yin aboot the Carrick postmen, wha' must be rushed aff thar feet, but LUK, 15 new jobs!! West o' the Bann! Mental oor whit? Some o' them micht even be legal.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/8180958.stm

15!! Imagine, 15 new jobs. At last the East/West employment divide in Norn Iron is broke.

Story Thrie

GAA has Republican sympathies, says DUP man.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/8210801.stm

Guid, an' indaid shackin' story. Mair tae the point though, ah thunk at yinst thy'on wis a picture o' Gerry Adams.

Arse

Thy'ons the best ah kin dae, frae the noo ah' hiv withdrawn frae bein' palitical, fur it is ballix.

Americans extra

Fur oor American audience - the best news wiv hid in ages.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/8177874.stm

Brakin News Agin

Sammy's bin promoted. Efter awl his guid wurk puttin' the Enviromentalists back in thar recyclin' boxes its guid til see him git his reward. The wurld may be in the middle o' an economic doonturn, but we here in Norn Iron kin rest aisy now that Sammy's in charge o' the Finance. Ah hiv tae say it is heartenin' tae see the likes o' Sammy an' Edwin takin' charge o' important offices o' state, it shows ye whit hard wurk, intelligence an' political skills will git ye.

Howiver

Howiver that is nat why ah'm oan, fur oan the undercard tae that story is the news that Nelson McCausland is oor new mawn fur Culture. Ah wud urge raiders tae glance doon an' notice oor postin' o' last week. Ah wudnae want til puff ma' ain flute, but clearly the DUP hiv taken heid o' oor pole. Wi' Nelson an' his unusual beard in charge o' Cultural matters, ah'll be oan the luk oot fur a wee grant, or maybes sum kine o' high flyin' advisin' jab.

Election stuff agin

And Lo....

a grate cry came up frae the people o' Ballymena, "Why Laird?" they wailed "Fur Why his a Shinner tapped the pole?" An' the Laird did anser unto them. "Dinnae be feart, fur the Shinner oany gat 26 percent o' the vote oan a 40 sumthin' percent turnoot so its hardly wurth the wailin' fur."

But the Ballymena folk didst bate themselfs wi twigs an' the like, sayin', "We dinnae unnerstawn them big sums, a Shinner is at the tap." The Laird did get hissel enraged an' ris up oot o' his throne an spake... "This time I did nat send yis the Big Man, he wud hiv won it fur yis. My party didst choose a wee stupid hen, an she didst make a ballicks of it, so that'll larn yis nat tae vote Jim Allister nex time."

Etc.....

Ah'm sayin' nathin' aboot the elections except tae point oot the fallyin'....

Yin - The low turnoot saims tae indicate that the traditional Ulster craft o' vote personation is a dyin' art. Less than a 50% turnoot? Vote early vote aiften.

Twa - The British Naturist Parity gat thar yinst seats over in England, but they put nae candidate up here. Why nat? Dae they nat realise that there is an acute shortage o' crypto-fascist, flag wavin', policy bereft freaks in these parts. We cud dae wi' them tae introduce a bit o' political lunacy amid these intellectual waters.

Thrie - More importantly ah hiv noticed a few odd things that hiv occured unner this PR system....

• When the Green Party Boy an' Ian Parsley Jr o' the Allisance were eliminated thar transfers went mainly til the SDLP and Big Jim's CUNFs, as ye micht expek. Howiver, 4284 folk transferred til Jim Allister. Who oot thar thunk, "Ah'm a moderatin' type o' boy, ah'll vote Allisance, or Green maybes, then transfer messel tae Jim Allister?" Ah am startin tae think thar micht be sumthin in this Ian Parsley/Paisley joke aboot auld folk.

• Then, when Jim Allister's boys transferred themselfs 2614 o' them went til the SDLP? That'll defen' the Union.

Which brings me tae this weeks pole, if yer candidate fur an election wus eliminated, who wud ye rather transfer til.....

Nathin important.

Mentalists.

By the time ye raid this yin o' the sevral mentalists whit stud fur election fur the EEC will hiv tapped the pole. Ah thunk lang an' hard(ish) aboot which candidate ah shud support, an' in the end voted the same way as evrybudy else, the same as ah voted last time. Due tae European fundin' strictions, we at 1690 had til stap gittin' involved in the palitical debate, but ah'm glad now that we did, fur they are awl a bunch o' arses. Supportin yin arse o'er the heid o' anuther wud saim tae be a pointless exercise in arse promotion.

Bit Ten Point Twa - The Irn Ages Agin.

Ah hid intended fur a prolonged examination o' Late Irn Age mythology taenicht, but ma research time wis rent assunder. Instied o' spendin' Wednesday evenin' wi a big book o' histerical things, me an' Missus McWilliams went oot til see a rack concert by Donaghcloney's tap tribute act "Caulplay". Thar version o' 'Yella' is somethin til behold. And 'Fix ye'. And "Viva la Veda".

Thus ah cannae be arsed, except tae say that the Red Branch Knights were clearly an early loyal order who gave doins tae yins frae the Free State, particularly Connacht, who are brock at Rugby til this day.

Ah micht research fur next week, when ah think its Christians, unless ah've furgat an age.

Pole:

Flake - obviously. Ah'll let the Slider/Poke conundrum run til later. Fur confused Englis Folk - a slider is a slap o' ice cream betwain twa wafers, a poke is a poke.

Arses

A apologise fur the nummer o' arses this week.

Vote Early Vote Aiften....

Big Udders.

Ah'm nat goantae bang oan any fairther oe'r the heid o' the weemen an climatic changin' aside tae point oot this article aboot big chists.


Beyond thy'on we hiv an election oan oor hawns (as the Japanese lady said til the bishop.)

Big Elections.

We here at 1690 hiv bin hivin' a furious, an occashunally sober, debate aboot which o' the myriad o' Ulster Scots Unyinist candidates we shud support cummin' June. It is a tough choice, givin' the impeccible record o' awl the candidates, so ah' thunk it micht be best til giv yousuns, the raiders, the opportunity til decide wha' line we shud take. Ah thairfore hiv compiled a list o' pros an' cons fur each canditate, an' frae thar ah'll laive it fur yersens.

Jim Allister MEP (Tradishunal Unyinist Voice)

Fur:

• Is Tradishunal


• Is a Unyinist


• His a voice


• Saims fairly smart

Agin:

• Is a lawyer


• Is really quite frightenin'.


• Has twa first names; praper Scots hiv twa surnames
  

Diane Dodds ((small d) Democratic Unyinist Party)

Fur:

• Is married til Nigel, who is smart


• His bin a councillor fur ages, so knaws awl aboot European Politics.


• Is nae threat til Iris in the annual DUP luvly girl's competishun.

Agin:

• Is married til Nigel, who is smart


• His bin a councillor fur ages, so knaws awl aboot European Politics.


• Is nae threat til Iris in the annual DUP luvly girl's competishun

Jim Nicholson (Ulster Cunservitive an' Unyinist New Farce)

Fur:

• He's a CUNF


• Is a farmer


• Luks like yin o' us.

Agin:

• Who?


• When did ye last hear frae him?


• Luks like yin o' us.

Ah wud say that the choice is limitless, except that it clearly is. Which yin shud we support...Ah will laive youse tae be the judge in this week's pole.

Furgat

Incidentally, last weeks pole turned oot Catriona, the second sexiest woman in Stormount (husky voice, hates children - whits nat tae like?), as the biggest cause o' Climatic Changin amung hens. Ah hiv til disagree oan this yin. She niver his that goldy colored shoulder pad nummer aff her, sae she cannae spen tae much oan clothes.

Dinnae Badger oor Sam. (a better heidline than the last yin)

Bluey/Orangeyness

Fur thosuns oot thair wha fally this, av changed colours agin'. The votin' a few odd weeks back wis inconclusive but the fitba wis over, an ah hid naithin' better til dae.

Return o' the Man.

Guid news fur supporters o' Sammy Wilson who his arisin' frae his holt tae take a stan' for a cause close tae the enviromentalists' harts. Sammy his ris up fur the badger, yin o' the native Ulster Scot native spices. He his demandeded a stap til the batin' o' them, insteid lukkin fur the perpretaters til be slammed up. Interestinly Sammy his blamed the Direk Rule goverment fur a failure tae dail wi' these boys correkly, an' calls fur mair co-operation wi' the Free State. Wile ah' think he's up a left thair, he is richt til raise his heid oan this, an' his spakesman said this firm stanin' wis nathin' til do wi' the enviromental madness o' last week.

Baste

Fur comment oan this ah hid a wurd wi' Jackie McElholm o' the Larne branch o' the Ulster Scots Anti-Baste an' Fish Batin' League who wus all in favir o' Sammy's move. Jackie said that the Badger, wi his cute black an' white face, wis symbolic o' the new multi-cultural Ulster, albiet yin wair the Ulster Scot was chief. He argued that if ye wanted til bate a baste yid be better off sortin' oot a non-native spice like the pygmy shrew.

Polis

Ah tried til use a few polis contaks frae the early 70s til talk til yin o' the baters themselfs but dispite thair best efforts we cudnae git haul o' them. Howiver yin Specil Branch contak reckoned that somethin' mair sinsiter was afoot. He taul me that the batin ring was a cross border lat based aroun' Newry. Ah think we all knaw ethnic cleansin' when we see it.

Polin

Nain o' this detracts frae oor pole, fur it is still advisable that Sugar Ray shud hae oor insite intil who shud replace Sammy, if naids must. Iris is currently straits aheid an' ah'm fur thinkin' that thy'on photae ah stuck up micht be influencin' ye, but ah want ye tae furget her beuty an' think oan hard political ideals. Though she is lovely. Very lovely indaid.

Bit Sen - Life in the New Stain Times

Save oor Sammy update.

Ah've gie up oan savin' Sammy. If thy'on Earth Frends can muster 500 odd names tae git rid o' him, an' we can oany git 18 fur his retainin' then we're bate. Ah hiv a distinct feelin' that Sammy micht be reshuffled aff tae sumwair his wee red face wud cause less offence, a new Ministair fur Racil Equality perhaps. Howiver all is nat lost, fur under the rules o' the Guid Friday Agreement Sammy must be replaced frae within the DUP. Thairfore a fine body o' men, an' hens, are linin' up fur the joab. Ah've bin thinkin' that the Party's representation in the Executive is a bit unbalanced at the moment. Yiv got yer hard man doin' Culture - Gregory Campbell, yer auld hans - Doddsy and Sam, an yer ex-UUP tae keep the moderates oan the boil, Arlene an' Danny O'. Bit wair does that leave the Free Pee crowd ah ask yis. Ah hiv a feelin that Sugar Ray will hiv tae address this failure in his coalition. Thus this weeks pole asks yis til pick yer puck fur tae be the new heid yin o' enviromentalism.

Afore ah git oan tae Bit Sen though, ah'm gittin wurried aboot Tim Tim MacPat Coogan, who's bin wile quait o' late. He announced in his comments that he was cummin Nairth fur tae investigate oor histry, an' hasnae bin heard frae since. Ah'm jist hopin he didnae gae blurtin' his Iberian claims roun' Ballymoney an' goat himsel intae baither wi' the locals. O' coorse he micht jist hiv seen the error o' his ways.

Mair til the point -

Bit Sen - Life in the New Stain Times.

Oor funders are insistent that we git oan wi the histry, an' ah hope ye knaw by now that oor remit is til edukate yis in the role o' the Ulster Scot in "Ireland". There are sum wha' wid claim thit we oany arrived here in the C17th bit awl the evidence points diffrent. Here we will luk, alangside o' sum o' Ulster's finest akademic mines, at the influence o' the Ulster Scot in New Stain Age Times.

Stains

As we seen in Bits Five an' Sax the Mesolithic folk were wile fur thair wee stains. These flint stains were hanny fur the cuttin' an' slicin' but nae sae mair fur the chappin'. If ye were a farmer lukin' tae chap doon trees fur the makin' o' a field yid naid a big hefty stain - porcellanite. Now yer Iberian crowd micht suggest oerwise, but there is nae doubt that the bestest places tae fine this type o' stone are firmly in Ulster Scots territry. At this point ah'll hiv tae lapse oot o' the hamely tongue so as tae quote -

Geochemists say that "Of the two known sources in Co. Antrim, north-east Ireland, the mainland site at Tievebulliagh has traditionally been considered the more important, with the site at Brockley on the offshore Rathlin Island seen as a minor source. Trace element geochemical analysis of samples taken from the sources has resulted in the identification of a discriminant that can be used to separate the two sites. "

Now ah havnae a clue whit that means, so ah spake tae WJ McIlveen frae King's College Ballylumford. Wile he admitted that isnae so sure whit a Geochemist is, he knew they were richt aboot yin thing - the new big stains came frae Antrim, an' nat the Free State. Who, he said, wid hiv hoked them oot o' the groun' but the Ulster Scots?

Trees

So hivin' chapped doon the trees fur the makin' o' fields, what wid the Ulster Scot stain age farmer dae wi' them? The anser is that thesuns hid brought o'er trained bastes that wudnae bite them, maistly coos and yos. The nearest type o' yo that yid git noo til then wid be the Soay yo, a kindae broon yin that luks a bit mair like a goat. This, the archaeologits reckon, was an early attempt at the manufakture o' goatskins fur lambegs, but the stain age boys learnt they'd got the wrang baste, see bit sax, an' so they mustae went back til Scotland til fine a better skinned baste. Howiver, in chappin' doon the trees the boys cleared several routes through the woodland, enabling them til walk, unhindered, frae place tae place, maist likely barin' goatskinned drums. Ah ask ye?

Pats

As wiv seen in Bit Sax the New Stain Age was the yinst time that pats were made (in Antrim). Afore this, yid hae bin wile lucky tae hae a baskit tae haul yer stuff, an' that wasnae any use fur cukin' or storin' food. Pats allowed the Ulster Scot o' 4000 BC til produce craps for the first time. Befair this he wud hiv hid naewhair til put his craps, but noo wi' fine clay pats he hid sumwhere tae keep them til the caul winter months.

But wair does the Ulster Scot fit in? In a somewhat convaluted way Eileen McIlWilliamwillaimson o' the Skool o' Gender at Aughnacloy Wee Girls Study Centre explains. She says "Folk makin' pats in them days didnae use wheels oor the like. Instied they made thair pats in thair hans." Curious, I asked her how they went aboot dain' this. "Well" says she "Yinst they made a wee small pat; then they made coils o' clay, layin' them oan tap o' the wee pat tae bild up the sides." This, she says, is proof that Free Staters widnae hiv knae how tae make a pat, fur they were barred frae havin' coils, oor any oer form o' contraption, til the late C20th.

Nixt Time.

Nixt time, fur its late, an' ah cannae be baithered wurkin' oot in ma' ain mine how the European farm improvement grants led til a rash o' New Stain Age monument bildin', we'll luk at the Branze Age Days.

SoS

Time is runnin' oot tae register yer feelins aboot the tratement o' Sammy by the Enviromentalists. I hiv jist hurd that Frends o' the Earth hae oer 500 folk signed up fur tae git rid o' him, an' we hiv oany mustered 16 votes in his support (kindae). Ah ask ye tae think of the alternative - Edwin Poots.

Save oor Sammy.

Thair his bin a wile lat o' discushun aboot Sammy, oor esteamed Ulster Scots Ministair o' the Enviroment, o'er the last cupple o' days. Yinst he commented that it wis awl richt tae git tae skool in thrie fut o' snaw, then he banned an advertizment fur global warmin'. Ah feel that folk hiv bin wile hard oan him bit ah thought ah shud check me facts. Ah goat oan the elektric telefone tae Professer Antoinette Givenchy, frae the Ulster-Huguenot Skool o' Alledged Climatic Changin' Events at Lisnafiffy Creationist College, an she giv' me her thoughts.

Surprisinly she belives that Sammy's wrang (!) aboot the gettin' tae wurk in the snaw, an' points oot that MLAs arnae sae guid at gettin tae wurk wi'oot it, bit says that he micht well be correk aboot the climate change ads.

Fur why:

Ai: Thar his bin a wile lat o' snaw, nat sae much warmin'. Here oan the McWilliams estate ah' can bairly see the coachin' stables.

Be: The wurld is furiver warmin' an coolin', its called wither.

See: If CO2 really did cause warmin', then fire extinguishers would be hat, pit yer han' oan yin nixt time ye pass yin.

Dee: The adverts arnae very guid, yin o' them tells ye tae stap ivry time ye see a red licht. Try that in Amsterdam an' yil be knackered in nae time.

Eee: The Green party are sayin' it, an' thar nat Orange.

Eff: Since oor new stain circle wis discovered, (luk at the earlier poast - BRAKIN' NEWS) the Ministair his bin distracted, spenin' a wile lat o' time lukin roond it. Ye really cannae blaim Sammy fur bein' up his ain Ring oan this occashun.


Annie concludes that ye shud forgive Sammy oan this an' gie him an o'er chance, fur sure wair wid we be wi'oot him.

Demos Kratia

Ah was intendin' this week til deal wi' Bit Fower - the Yinst Folk, but events in the wurld at large hiv overtakin' me. So instied wur goantae hiv a wee luk at the wurld o' democracy.

The quiz last week asked yis 'til decide which yin o' a few folk didnae hiv a Scots name. It wus, af coorse anuther wee trick, fur they awl dae. It was a cunning ploy designed til emphasise the crucial part played by the Scot in whit is (very) loosely termed the Norn Iron Piece Process. If it was wasnae fur Tony Blair an' his han' o' histry where wud we be noo? Howiver I hiv til han the hole thing til Danny Morrison. Efter awl, it wis he who invented the ploy o' havin' the armalite in yin han' an' the ballit boax in the oer. Prior to his intervention folk cudnae vote fur they were laden doon wi' armalites an' cudnae haul a pen. That said, ah shud point oot 'til Danny that, strictly spakin under electrol law, he hasnae any busness havin any han' oan a ballit boax. The responsiblility fur thar care is in the hans o' the presidin' officer o' the polin' station, an' he'd be better aff leavin well alain.

Lack o' Votin'

Naw ah hiv til ask yis, whit was the point o' Danny larnin' us that ye could leave yin armalite behine, if ye dinnae buther til vote in oor pole at awl. He didnae chuck boys oot the windae fur nathin!* A wheen o' weeks ago, we had 30 votes o'er the hied o' the praper wurd fur turkey, bit noo its declined til oany ten. At the time the Big Sums Dept here at 1690 wurked oot that at thy'on rate o' growth we'd fairly soon hit 17 million. Thiv noo taul me that if this rate o' decline continues, an' folk don't vote soon, ah'll be owin' the interweb votes. Whar wud we be then? Howiver ah confess that last weeks quiz was a wee bit hard, so ah've givin yis an easy yin this time roond.

Presidential Indoctrination.

Yis micht hiv missed it in the papers, fur it wasnae very well reported, but America has itself a new leader. As maist o' yis will knaw, upwards of 73 Presidents o' the US come frae Ulster Scots stock an' a cupple o' yis hiv esked me til research the new Commaner in Cheef, tae see if he can join that pantheon. Ah put ma best men, an hens, oan the job, an' ye won't be dissapointed.

Ma first port o' call fur this query was Billy McQuillan (o' the South-Aist Ards Bible an' Caterin' College). He has foun' oot that President Obama's ancestors include a family by the name o' Kearney. Billy has luked intae it and foun' that thesuns landed in Ulster frae Scotland at a place on the Ards Peninsula noo called Kearney Point.

At this point Billie-May Carson o' the Non-Subscribin' Scots Irish Academy o' South Virginia takes up the story. She tells us that the Kearneys let themselves doon by leavin' the Presbyterian fold an' signin' up fur the established church, uppin' sticks an' shiftin ' doon tae King's County. She goes ontae say thit luckily fur President Obama, his family sooned realised that they were livin' in the Free State, an' hopped oan the first boat they cud fine til America.

Interestinly, Obama's "Irish" roots were widely reported in the Free State press 'til they foun' oot his folk played doon the richt wing. Then the story dropped; they'll hiv tae make dae wi' JFK fur the time bein'.

Burn's Nicht.

Ah cannae let this week pass wi'oot a mention fur the wurlds gratest livin' poet, Rabbie Burns. This Sunday it is 250 years til the day that the grate man was born. As we awl knaw, he was nae stranger til Ulster's fair shores, fur he cud see them frae Ayrshire, an' there can be nae doot that he'd be the first mawn til support the hamely tongue. So this Sunday raise yer glass to "the wee sleekit, cowrin', tim'rous bastie", or if ye dinnae want tae toast Sammy Wilson, have a drink oan Rabbie Burns, inventor o' the bonefire.

Nixt week, Folk

*Allegedly