Norn Ireland Wurld Cup Bid 2018

Ah'm sure yis hiv noticed by now, the Wurld Cup is up on us, bringin' the quadrilennial delights o' the Inglis press goin' buck mental o'er things an' immense quantities o' beer. Howiver as a tap culture person ah hiv bin wurkin' behine the scenes fur til support oor ain bid til host the aforementioned tournament. Invented by nain o'er thin May McFetridge, there is a thrivin' facebuk site dedicated til bring the tournament til oor wee land, an' a hiv threw the full backin' o' the 1690 team behine it. The passibilities are endless, ah kin jist see the openin' ceremony noo, wi' massed Lambegs an' formation sectarian tauntin' til entertain the wurld. Thus ah' hiv turned ma hawn til the video makin' thing again, an' hiv bin honoured til receive the richt fur til make the official fillum.

Oh aye, an' ah've researched this. Ye hiv tae use Snow Patrol oan all fillums connected til Norn Iron fitba.

Giant's Causeway.

Ah note that the Creationist boys are at it again, this time askin' fur a display at the Giant's Causeway. Ah cudnae agree mair. All exhibitions shud give counter points of view oan things. Ah racently visited the Anne Frank exhibiton in Strabane, it wud be improved markedly if the BNP were allowed til give the Holocaust denial argument. Likewise the Orange Order's wee museum could be balanced by a series of panels writ by the Bogside resident's group.

Howiver ah amnae yin til luk a gift baste in the gub. Ah hereby volunteer ma expert services fur til write the Creationist thing fur the National Truss. In daein sae they will kill twa burds wi' yin stain, fur they'll get a wheen o' Ulster Scots things threw in oan tap. Therefore ah propose fur til send this til them forthwith.

An' Lo'..........
1. At the end o' the seven days the Laird did luk at his new creation an' saw that it wus guid. "Ah hiv made the heaven an' the earth an' the bastes an' the burds an' the like," he didst say, "An' a hiv made fowk, an stuck them somewhar in the middle aist."

2. The Laird didst continue "Jist fur the record ah wud ask yis til note thit Ah hivnae made any dinosaurs oor the like, but Ah wus bored oan the third day an' stuck a few big bones in the racks fur til gie me a laugh in a lock o' years an' til fool yer science boys."

3. Thus the Laird didst rest, an' whilst restin' turned his attention til the Nairth Antrim area. "This coastline is braw," he thunk, "but lacks a certain je ne say qua" fur the Laird wus wurkin' oan French fowk in his spare time.

4. "Ah will gie this area til ma chosen fowk, the Ulster Scots, in a bit, but fur now ah will fashion a massive  attraction fur til allae them til fleece Americans an o'er tourists in the years til come." Thus the Laird did invent the hexagon an' piled a rake o' them up randomly, aiven drappin' a lock o' them in the sea. The Laird didst luk at his thing, an calt it the Giant Causeway."

5. Then the Laird didst ate veda an' cheese.

Big Jim Shannon spakes.

Jaipurs but it wus a quare day in the Hoose of Communs the day, as Strangfurd's ain Jim Shannon addressed the heid yins fur the yinst time. Ah wus a bit tuk aback til fine thit it his taken him a full month fur til say anythin'. Ah dinnae ken aboot yerself, but if ah gat messel a new jab, an' didnae open ma mouth fur 4 weeks, ah wud expect the sack. Howiver spake he did, an' magnificantly tae.

 His wurds was as fallies, note the slight variation betwain Mr Shannon's use o' the hamely tongue, an' ma ain spellin'. He is frae the Ards, ah amnae.

"Thaur is monies a guid thang at A cud sae aboot tha fowk o mi Baille-Wick bot yince an firmaist A coont it a muckle oaner tae spake oot oan thair ahauf in tha Hoose O Commons.

"Tha Strengfird fowk ir tha sat o tha yirth, an in thenkin thaim fer thair support A wud promis thaim at A'll wrocht an dae fer thaim aa at A caun."

Now the BBC website says that big Jim - "says he is not a fluent speaker of Ulster-Scots but is a keen enthusiast." Aye then Jim - keep yer gub shut, oor else come an' talk til an expert like messel afore ye spout aff in the Hoose.

"Thenkin" an' "Strengfird"are clearly Cherry Velley wurds, an' as fur Baillie-wick, wur did he get thy'on frae? Tae the best o' ma knawledge, it is an auld Inglis term. The correct Ulster Scots wurd fur a palitician's constituency is his shitehole.

Alsae accordin' til the BBC - "Mr Shannon also paid tribute to Iris Robinson, his predecessor as Strangford MP, whom he said was "well-known for her years as a conscientious worker". Knain a wee bit tae well ah wud say, in the biblical sense at laist.

Big Ian

Is the noo the Rev Dr Big Laird Ian Paisley o' my Arse, accordin' til oor pole. A fittin' epitihet fur the great mawn's career.

And they giv Seamus Heaney the Nobel Prize?

Exlusive interview wi' me.

Ah jist minded that ah was interviewed fur the paper the o'er day, durin' awl the election carry on. Ah hiv nae idea if it wus iver printed, in fack a very much doubt it. It wus in the Banbridge Laider an' ah hivnae lived in Banbridge fur years sae dinnae buy it, if oany o' yis dae get it let me knae if it turned up. Their website disnae hiv it, sae ah hiv stuck it here fur yer curiosity. Ah alsae furgat tae comment oan the Rev Dr Big Ian Paisley gittin' made a Laird. He hisnae picked a spot yet, sae ah've made a pole fur yer suggestions.

Tell us a wee bit about yourself?

A wus born local til yerselves, oot the back road in Lisnafiffy, an' wus brung up in whit ye might call a traditional Ulster Scots spakin' hoosehaul. After a brief an' largely unsuccessful education ah bought messel an online dacturate like the Rev Dr Big Ian Paisley an' set aboot establishin' messel within the wurld o' Ulster Scots academia. At present ah wurk at the Ballymena School o' Ulster Scots Dancin', as Professor of Rhythmic Lambeg Interpretation as well as bein' Heid Yin o' 1690 an all thon - the social nat wurkin' site fur those professionals an' academics wi an interest in the hamely tongue. Oor site examines issues o' importance til the Ulster Scot - like histerical an cultural matters, the weather, palitics an' sausage rolls.

There are a couple of local places of interest to those entrigued by Ulster Scots academia. Can you tell us a bit about those?

The Banbridge district is a hot bed o' Ulster Scots things, wi a flourishin' academic community. Fur example it was a taem o' Archaeologits frae Dromara International Fife an' Drum Theraputic Music Centre who discovered the wurld famous stain circle ootside Annaclone now nain as Sammy Wilson's Ring . Likewise ma ain townland o' Lisnafiffy is hame til the Ulster-Huguenot School o' Alledged Climatic Changin' Events, whit ye might call a think tank oan all things enviromentalist.

The website aims to spread the word of the Ulster Scots language. How is that campaign coming along?

Well judgin' by the fack that youse are interviewin' me its goin' right an' well. Ah hiv til admit thit we hivnae always bin successful. Oor attempt fur til get Ballyhalbert crowned UK City o' Culture met with some sympathy with the heid yins o' that carry on but they said that it wus tae wee til be considered. Likewise ah hid nae luk wi' ma attempts til force Google intae creatin' an Ulster Scots translation tool. Ah'm still rippin' aboot thy'on fur they do translate intil Free State an' sae far as I am concerned this breaks the Guid Friday Agreement's stipulations oan parity o' steam.

The site has turned a bit political at the minute thanks to the General Election coming up. What are your own thoughts on it?

As a cultural hub thing it is important fur oorselves til advise the Ulster Scots electorate on such matters. Ah noticed that nain o' the parties hid buthered their arses providin' manifestos an' the like in the hamely tongue. Thus a tuk it upon messel fur til provide Ulster Scots subtitles fur the election broadcasts o' the Shinners an' the DUPers. Wi'oot ma translations, how else is an Ulster Scot supposed til choose betwain them twa parties? Interestinly oor broadcasts are mair papular on Youse Tube than the real yins, provin' the point that in ignorin' oorselves, the parties are missin' oot on potential voters. Neither party his replied til ma e-screeds demandin' translations, sae ah micht waste ma vote on the Greens this time jist til show them up.

If you were Prime Minister for the day what would you do?

Make Ulster Scots the official language o' Ulster, even the bits in the Free State. Ah might invade France tae.

On the website there are details of a few computer games brought out for Ulster Scots users. What can you tell us about those?

The boys at Carrickfergus games developers Micrasaft spotted a gap in the market fur Ulster Scots themed TV games, an' put taegither a couple o' yins fur the Nintendo Wee. "Flute Hero" is a big seller in the Rathcoole area, allowin' the gamer til use the Wee's control system fur til play all manner o' papular Loyalist anthems. Personally ah prefer "Lambeg idol", wi' its unique "Cane controller attachment" sae ye can batter oot a few tunes fur til try til impress an on-line Simon Caul.

There have been a few comments on your website about women being the cause of global warming. How have you come to this conclusion?

Aye, thy'on came aboot as a result o' the controversy surroundin' the remarks o' Minister Wilson. A climatic changin' conference was helt in Magherally Young Farmer's club an' the distinguished Japanese academic Yoko McElvey effectively proved that Global Warmin' isnae man made, it's doon til weemen. Although thunk ootrageous at the time Prof McElvey hid graphs an' everythin' thit showed a direct correlation between the nummer o' pairs o' shoes thit women hiv an' the amount o' carbon in the atmosphere. Now ah'm nae enviromentalism expert messel, but there were graphs, sae it must be true.

Finally, with the marching season already underway are there any parades you are particularly looking forward to?

Ah hiv a particular fondness fur Rathfriland messel, fur its grand crack watching the Drumnavaddy boys struggle up thy'on hill wi' their Lambegs. Drumcree his lost some o' its lustre in racent years, nae tractors blackin' roads oor the like but in the heels o' the hunt Scarva is hard til bate. Ah fur yin hiv a substantial collection o' expelled shotgun shells frae the 1970s, gathered up roun' the feet o' the Sham Fightin' boyos. Must putt them on ebay some time, make a few shillins.