Arse imitates Life.

Oor aulder raiders may recall thit back in Febuary ah hid occasion fur til visit the Ulster Museum alang with a variety o' Tyrone folk. Yis may mind thit we lost the boy wha' locks the toilets in the village, near causin' a crisis o' smallish praportions. Oan ma return ah tuk issue wi' the aforementioned Museum over a dearth o' Ulster Scots related things, an' a severe lack o' balance in the Creationism/Evolution debate. Imagine my shack fur til learn taeday thit nain o'er than the Heid Yin of Culture, Arse an' Leisure, Nelson McCausland, his taken up ma cause. Ah writ til the Museum but they niver replied. Slap it up yis now ah say, fur if yid hiv listened then this situation cud hiv bin avoided.

The big auld brains up in thy'on Museum wud dae well fur til mind thit they are the ULSTER Museum, nat some prapaganda machine fur the Free State. As such they shud reflect the interests o' the folk whit live here, even the ones thit are clean mental.

Addendum til this.

Ah'm nat tae sure whit an addendum is, but in this case it is mair o' an after thocht. Laughin' as ah wis at the carry oan o' Nelson the day, later oan ah got til thinkin'. This is whit folk oot there make o' us folk in here. We hiv elected a complait an' utter arse. Nat fur him the Scottish Enlightenment, a concept which crossed til oorselves an' made Belfast the hame o' Irish Radicalism. Nae 1798 rebellion fur Nelson. (Mair of which in Bit 38 - How we Accidentally became Fenians fur a bit)
Instied we git mixed up American shite aboot floods an' the like, which the Inglis can bait us o'er the heid wi'. Ah note the Guardian says - "The belief that the Earth was divinely created in 4004 BC originates with the writings of another Ulster-based Protestant, Archbishop of Armagh James Ussher, in 1654." Aye, fair enough - except he wud be whit ye micht call an Anglo-Irish boy, nat an Ulster Scot, a Dubliner tae boot, a man o' the Inglis establishment. The implication in the Guardian's wee article is thit he wus frae Annaclone oor the like. Ah am cross aboot this, an' McCausland better watch his hairy arse.

Wurld Cup.

A questioner in the Hoke Oot thing asks who we shud be for supportin' in the Wurld Cup. Ah hiv giv this matter some thocht, an feel thit it is a question wurthy o' a considered anser. Gi'en the lack o' oorselves in it, ye micht think thit the natural thing til dae wud be til support oor nearest neighbours. Howiver in this case it is Inglan', yin o' the natural predators o' the Ulster Scot. The "nearest neighbour" theory micht alsae require us til support the Free State in future tournaments, so it is best knacked oan the heid at this stage. All of the other countries taken part, so far as ah can wurk oot, are foreign, a worryin' wurd til any richt thinkin' mawn. Ah hiv therefore decided the best thing til dae is til pick a country which his the most Ulster Scots in it, namely the America. Like oorselves they hiv a wile lat o' religious heid the balls, like a ficht an' spake a language vaguely similar til Inglish.

Cullion

Hivin' failed in ma plan til git UK City o' Culture status fur Ballyhalbert, ah am delighted til give ma support til Cullion in their campaign oan the facebuk. Cullion is a braw wee spat, fernenst Donemana an' Newbuildins, ah urge any o' yis wha hiv the facebuk til back their bid.

Spat the Diffrence Competition.

Luk at these twa photies carefully, then see how moany diffrences ye kin fine.

 

Sae far I have spatted thit there are twa arses in the first yin, an' three in the second.

Ulster Scots Histry o' Ireland - Bit the Fourteenth.

Ah wus lukkin at this the o'er day an' realised thit due til the interjection o' an election, we hidnae bin daein' tae much Histry o' late. The last thing we lukked at was how the Angle-Normans invaded Ulster, at the behest o' the Pope an' his bull. Ah signed aff by sayin' thit the next time ah wud take a luk at how they enforced their ways upon the peace lovin' Ulster Scot, whilst at the same time disabusin' the Gaelic lat o' any thochts thit it was they what was invaded. This ah shall dae now, it shudnae take tae lang.

How the Angle Normans enforced their ways on the hamely folk, an' the disabusin' o' Gaelic folk.

The invasion o' Ulidia, fur that is whit Ulster was calt then, by Roger de Courcy* was oany the start o' it. Yince in, he hid til make sure he helt oantil his new tertitory. Now ah am nae expert oan the Medieval period, fur the Phd ah bought was in Fairly Racent Things Studies, sae ah must turn yince again' til the superior knowledge of Professor Wullie McIlveen. Wullie hisnae featured much in these pages of late, but fortunately he his recently been appointed visitin' lecturer in Fairly (but not tae) Auld Stuff at Ballymackilroy Institute of Cattle Technology. He gained this new jab on the strength of his latest seminal work on histerical matters - "Thieving English Bastards - How the Angle Normans made a Ballix oot of Ulster". In this new tome Wullie drives the final nail intil the Gaelic folk's claims thit they were here first. Here he explains how he came tae his vaguely histerical conclusions.

Religion - 

There can be nae doubt thit the Pope sent the English over, as explained in the previous histry bit, but how did this effect the Presbyterians o' Ulster. Well for yin thing, says Wullie, Roger de Courcy invented St Patrick an' Saints. Hivin' decided fur til build his new capital at Dun (Ulster Scots for Down), he claimed til hiv foun' the bones o' Saints Patrick, Bridget an' Colin, movin' them all til his new church. Nat oany that, but he stuck St Patrick oan his money an' made a wile big fuss aboot him in general. In daein' sae he concocted whit histerians term "the cult o' St Patrick" an'  thus, Wullie points oot, the English invented St Patrick's Day. Whit dae ye think oan thy'on Feile folk?

Mair Religion 

At the time the Presbyterians o' Ulster worshipped in small wooden churches fur the maist part, with oany the odd yin made o' stains. These were similar in construction til all the wee Gospel Halls that dot oor landscape til this very day - nae coincidence there. De Courcy, howiver, brung in big stain churches an' abbeys o' the type frequented by the o'er surt an' their near kinsmen in the Church of Ireland. It is interestin' tae note thit yin o' his biggest was erected in the heart o' Ulster Scots territory oan the Ards. In a blatant attempt tae ingratiate hisself with the locals he Anglicised the Ulster Scots name "Greba" intil Grey Abbey.

Castles - 

However Religion was oany yin o' the iron fists thit de Courcy used til shatter the old Ulster Scots order, he alsae used military might til bring the folk til heel. The Angle-Normans were richt an' handy at buildin' castles, many o' which can still be visited taeday (if, that is, NIEA bother their arses til open them). It is these castles, Wullie argues, that give the clearest indications yit thit it was the Ulster Scots thit the Angles were lukkin' til control, rather than the o'er surt.

He points oot that the key til the success o' any castle oor fortification is its strategic location, an' there is a dearth o' Angle Norman Castles in areas where the o'er surt are prevelent. Rather de Courcy's early castles an Mottes are located in Ulster Scots strangholds - Carrickfergus, Clough, Dromore, Harryville fur gods sake. Even the mighty citadel of Dundrum is so named fur the annual Lambeg drummin' match thit the early Ulster Scots helt in the area before the Angle boys arrived. Categorical proof, says Wullie, thit it was the hamely folk that were sufferin' under the chainmail jackboot o' de Courcy.

There ye have it. Nae further discussion required.

(* Aye Serendipity, ah read your last comment, but ah prefer the name Roger)

O'er things - 

Balmoral show is streets ahead in the pole. Ah am glad til see thit oor votin' nummers are back til normal after the madness thit was the election.  However in the midst o' all that we were in the paper again, winnin' plaudits fur oor election coverage. Yer man putts us oan a parr wi' the BBC's coverage, an' richtly sae, fur ah hid a wile hangover til pay fur ma wurk that night.

Cultural Extravaganza

Right - Ballix til yer woman

The folk of the wider wurld, an' ah include paliticians o' all ilks in that, tend fur til view the complex culture o' the Ulster Scot through the prism o' marchin', flute bawnds an' lambegs. All are fine things but whilst Orangefest, oor whitiver its calt, has its place, it is oany a drap in the complex cultural ocean that makes up the Ulster Scot's psyche. This week offers an explosion o' such delights, as it brings til oor fair shores the glories of the Balmoral Show and the Nairth West Twa Hunner. In order fur til facilitate the unititiated intil these twa pillars o' Ulster grateness, ah prupose fur til gie yis a brief guide til whit til expect, an' the social etikette required shud ye decide til visit either occasion.

The Balmoral Show

The Balmoral Show was invented fur til allow folk frae across the pravince til luk at yos an' coos an' the like whilst at the same time bein' in a town. Normally this is nat passible, makin' towns, o'er than market yins, inherently alien til the true Ulster Scot.
The oany time ye shud be in a town is fur a market or a march, o'er wise there is divilment in them, the roads are wile hard tae cross an' ye get bad luks in yer tractor. Except Ballymena.
Thus in 18 somethin' or o'er a devoted bawnd o' animal enthusiasts resolved fur til bring the country folk intil Belfawst, much til the chag rin o' the folk livin' there taeday, fur they hiv three days o' folk drivin' wile slow, wavin' at everybody oot their windaes, and stappin' oan the westlink til talk til the boy in the car next til him. Ah wud urge all country folk til dae sae wi' pride, slow the bastards doon fur a wheen o' days.

Balmoral etikette 

Whit til wear - ideally three coats an' a V neck, flat cap an' wellington boots. Nat green yins, black, wi muck oan them. A shirt is optional. Bailer twine belts used til be the style, but give aff a country bumpkin luk, better aff wi' a pair o' stout braces unner yer V neck. Fur wimmin, much the same, oany a dress. Both sexes shud carry a stout stick at awl times.

 Whit til say - The fallyin' phrases are wurth mindin'. "Grawnd day fur it", "Luk at the hocks on thy'on?", "Where is the grant tent?", "Dae ah git a free Newsletter wi' that?", "When is Hugo Duncan oan?" "Ah am aff fur til luk at them new Rennold tractors."

Whit nat tae say - "The boys and I come here every year, it is important for them to understand where their food comes from." "Is there a vegetarian option?" "Renault". Alsae dinnae say anythin aboot the o'er surt - they are allowed til come til this, it is nat the Twelfth.

Whit til drive - in an ideal wurld a Massey Ferguson 135 circa 1965. If nat, a 1987 landrover defender wi a sheep in the back ye furgat tae let oot. Bascially any yoke built before 1995 that has muck on it and his its spare wheel on the ootside.

Food - If yer smart ye kin ate an' drink fur next til nathin', though mainly yogurts an' milk. Howiver a true Ulster Scot willnae waste his money oan the o'er priced brock oan offer, he brings his ain sangwiches, in a Mother's Pride bag oor an auld shortbread tin. The odd poke is essential, even if its pishin'.

Smells - smells are an inherent part o' the Balmoral Show, an' shud nat be commentated upon. This provides an ideal opportunity fur til add smells o' yer ain wi' naebudy noticin'.


The Nairth West

This is the sporting equivilant o' the Balmoral Show - the UK's biggest sportin' event that naebody knaes aboot. The raison naebudy knaes is that anyyin whit micht watch it oan the TV is at it, sae there's nae point in puttin it oan.
As ah hiv explained afore in these pages - motorcycle road racin' is the true sport o' the Ulster Scot bringin', as it does, the richt fur til black roads an' cause climate change at the yin time. It his the advantage in bein' helt in the traditional hallyday destination o' the hamely folk, as well as hivin' a complex plethora o' accents oan display frae the riders. Nat fur Joey Dunlap an' the boys the metrosexuality o' yer David Beckhams or Christiano Ronaldos, ye drive yer ain van an' luk like a farmer at all times.

Nairth West Twa Hunner Etikette.

Whit til wear - Leather. Leather everythin' even sacks. Slaip in a leather slaipin' bag inside a leather tent. Wimmin shud revail as much o' their baps as passible, though ah admit thit thy'on micht just be a personable preference. (Oan nae account dae this at Balmoral, fur there are boys there whit hivnae sain a woman in months, an' milkin machines.)

Whit til say -  "Jays thy'on boy is goin' at a quare rate." "Yeoooooo" (when prizes are awarded, or when some boy gaes fast roun' a bend". "Suckin' deisel" "Keep er lit" "When is the funeral?"

Whit nat tae say - "This is a disgrace, I have to get to my work". Anythin' aboot the environment. Anythin aboot danger, noise, bannin' it or the like. As wi' Balmoral, there may be o'er surt at it, sae nathin' aboot themuns.


Whit til drive - a motorcycle, obviously, although a truck is a good secondary option. Vans with things like "Keep er Lit" in the windaes an' yer name doon the side.

Food - disnae really matter, fur whitever ye git will gie ye the shits.

Smells - petrol an'o'er fumes are prevelent. Alsae shite (see food). Chemical toilets. 

In summary ah wish ye well which iver o' these cultural events ye choose fur til attend. On nae account talk til any paliticians, they oany gie til them til make it luk as if they're half interested in anythin' we think.

Other things - 

Ah decided fur til ignore yer woman. Howiver ah intend til git oantil her youse tube thing an' sleg her auld brock music. Ah was slightly concerned thit when a considered retirement 6 people clicked "grand" oan the thing. Nat sure whit til make o' that. In the maintime oor pole luks at the cultural delights thit await us the week.

Election Over an' things.

As ah'm sure ye are aware, the election is over. That is all that shud be said oan the matter.

Ah hiv til say thit is brung a wile lat o' new folk in oor direction - proof if proof were naided thit there is a wile naid for cultutal an' palitical analists in the Ulster Scots family.  Nat thit any o' them will hing aboot ah'd imagine, sae we'll be back til oorselves again an' thank the Laird fur that. Ah was truly shacked til luk at ma Youse Tube thing til fine that nat only hiv ah bin described oan the Shinner video as an "Orange Bastard" but hiv the noo been calt a "Vile Bigot" by some SDLP woman.

"I vote SDLP - maybe a bit more moderate! But this is NOT a language- seriously!! Its a dialect- nothing more! Whatever sad individual made this video is a vile bigot!- the TUVs pathetic election result is just proof of this outmoded thinking!! Peace :)"

This despite ma categorical support fur wee Margaret an' her folk. This is a bit depressin' ah fail. It is a sad indictement oan oor society at large if ye cannae take the pish oot o' a few palitical broadcasts w'oot bein' slegged aff in such a manner. "Peace :)", ma bigotted Orange bastard arse. Of coorse sleggin' someyin elses culture aff wud saim til putt her intil the bigot category, but ah'll laiv her be.

Ah hiv thus decided fur til rearsess ma entire contribution til the cultural life o' the nation, ma attempts at balanced palitical abuse hiv obviously failed. It wud be easy til describe yer woman as an Arse, she dis saim til imply that ah am somehow in cahoots wi' the TUV. That an' the fact that ma video ootput his thus far bin 5 Unionist yins til yin Shinner. Ah didnae even dae the SDLP yin, though ah will next time.

Ah hiv therefore turned the blog clean Orange til reflect ma new foun' stutus as a bigot, an' will retire til ma estate fur til contemplate whether it is wurth continuin' ma wurk in the face o' such attitudes. Howiver afore ah depart ah wud like til point oot that the North West 200 an' Balmoral Show are roun' the corner, sae its a guid time o' year fur Ulster Scots in genral.

Election Results an' Peter

Ah am nat yet ready fur til give a full assessment o' the election as ah am still digestin' the results, an' a wee bit hungover. In the interim ah thunk it important that Peter Rabinson's years as an MP shud be marked in some way sae made this after puttin' Mrs McWilliams through the MOT. (Update - ah messed up the timins, hiv fixed it, but cannae wurk oot how til delete the auld yin. Think ah've fixed it noo)

Live thing

21.38 - Oan the couch, hiv beer an remote control. Watchin the channel 4 thing. Furgat tae get snacks, but foun a big bag o' Doritos oot o date frae Febuary. Ah hope they're OK.

21.45 - Edwina Currie, fur gods sake. Finger in her mouth like a common harlot. Nathin new there anyhow.

21.48 - 3 for 2 on selected plants at Homebase - handy

21.55 - time til turn til BBC1.

21.58 - what a crap road thing Jeremy Vine is on. Shit, forgot the drinking rules.

22.02 - wow - election results projected oantil Big Ben. Ah am fur projectin a picture o' Jim Allister's Arse oantil the Albert Clack if he gets in.

22.06 - ah apologise fur ma language - but ah fucking hate Michael Gove. Oh aye, the exit pole - nae mair accurate than mine.

22.11 - This is class - big graphs

22.16 - BBC 1 and 2 are both the same. Interestin that

22.21 - Bored now, going for a slash.

22.31 - Christ - Ben Kingsley and Bruce Forsyth - ????????

22.37 - our boys are up, but I'm fur a doze

22.40 - Jays - yid think the boy reportin frae the Ards would learn how til spake.

22.44 - Crap - dae ah watch here, or there. Think ah'll watch there fur a bit, fur they hiv a swingometer

22.53 - Some doll won fur Labour in some bit of Sunderland

22.58 - Get tae buck whichever Dimbelby ye are. We are a special case. Gae oan like thyon an ah'll blow up England messel.

23.09 - Queues to vote - turn up earlier

23.16 - Bored, definite doze.

23.46 - Woke up, bomb scare in Foyle and Londonderry - 10% swing til bastards

23.53 - Jaipurs ah'm sick o thesuns nat gettin til vote - ye hiv awl day.  Shud be a bank holiday mind ye.

23.58 - Pat Doherty nat yet seen at the Tyrone count. Nae surprise there then.

00.03 - Yvette Shapiro has stuck oan a few poun'

00.14 - Big Ians on, ah wunner if wee Ian will sing when he's winnin'

00.19 - Still 3 - 0 til Labour. Ah fancy some toast.

00.29 - A scoop - from Ian McCrea's Facebuk "Jim Allister concedes to Ian Paisley Jun hahahahahahahahahahahah" - honest ah didnae make that up

00.31 - Dimbleby mentions Love bombing.

00.34 - West Tyrone - Look, its Pat Doherty - watch him well for ye won't see him for a while. The invisible MP wins again.

00.36 - Jays he can talk.

00.37 - Ano'er yin - North Antrim - Wee Ian wins - good yeooooo there frae the assembled intelligensia.

00.44 - Jays he is dae'in the singin'. Wunner if there's a verse aboot praisin' praperty developers.

00.45 - Bugger me - Neck an neck in Aist Belfast. Jays.

00.46 - Arlene was oan the groun wi Peter in Aist Belfast - snigger

00.50 - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

00.53 - Fealty - talkin brock - ma pole called the Alliance winnin a seat oor twa. Ma pole is wile accurate ye knaw.

00.58 - Wee Jeffrey his won Lagan Valley - twat

01.02 - Simpson tae - think the guid news is o'er

01.14 - Lady S is in, hair buck mental.

01.22 - BBC say that Wee Ian inherited a huge cushion frae his father.

01.26 - Gerry wearing jeans ah see. Has he helt his seat??????????

01.27 - Yes

01.30 - David Blunkett says Labour hiv lost the election. Ah think his dug was checkin the scores.

01.42 - Slap it up ye Spratt. Ye tosser. Oh aye - the Dr Fella hauls S. Belfast.

01.51 - Poor Lord Reginald - final nail in the UCUNF coffin. If ye cannae bait Wullie McCrea?

02.02 - Steven King is lookin a bit odd, and who is that wee woman in the middle.

02.13. - Hangin on fur Fermanagh - furgat til update there.

02.23 - Lembit Optic his lost his sait. Aboot time - the boys an arse.

02.26 - Arse biscuits - Wullie McCrea - Arse biscuits.

02.28 - Durkan intil Foyle - thought they'd lost count

02.40 - McCrea - fur God's sake.

02.48 - Here comes Lord Reginald - will he resign?

02.54 - Strangford - ancient seat o' the Vikings and oor Iris - is helt by Shannon

02.59 - FST - Connor by 6. Recount. Bed.

03.12 - Nat in bed yet. Wee Margaret in. 

1690 Election Night Ulster Scots Service

Election day is near til over, havin' brung wi' it all the excitement that only a Norn Iron ballox paper can muster. Here in the 1690 Aitch Queue we have established a tap level newroom wi' twa TVs, a wireless an' a computer, makin' this the hub fur all election related news type things.

To that end ah hiv bought a big box o' Tennents an' 4 cans o' red bull, an' reckon if ah kin haul off the drink til the count starts ah shud be able tae bring ye news til aboot 2am. Tae be fair ah micht have a few wee warm up beers about 8 til get me started. Ah wud dae the full count but Mrs McWilliams is fur the MOT in the mornin' an' ah naid til drive her til it.

This page here will therefore be regularly updated wi' interestin' things whit ah hiv occured across the palitical spectrum. Will Gerry haul his narrow majority in West Belfast? Will Sir Reginald unsait Wullie McCrea oot the back o' a pollin' station? Will mysteriously late votin' occur in Fermanagh South Tyrone? Fine oot here furst. Well after the TV anyhow. Ah am alsae developin' an election related drinkin' game til dae wi' it, mair oan which later.

Exit Pole


Ah cunducted an election pole ootside ma polin station. The Alliance gat yin vote. Everybudy else lukked a bit hard sae ah didnae ask them, though ah hid a clipboord an' everythin'. Nat sure whit this revails, perhaps an Alliance landslide in West Tyrone.

Sabbath Wurld.

Apparently oorselves an' oor German counterparts were in the Sabbath Wurld "news" paper twa weeks runnin'. Ma Drumahoe correspondant very kinely sent me oan last week's edition, where they hiv the audacity til describe messel as a "self styled" Scots Professor. Ballix. Ah shall be gettin' oantil them. They alsae described oor videos as "hilarious", slightly, ah feel, missin' their cultural significance. However ah didnae get the previous week's paper, the 23rd oor thereaboots. If any o' yis happen til purchase thy'on paper, an' fur some raison, keep haul o' them (ye micht be interested in the histry o' Irish crimelords) ah wud be fur appreciatin' it if ye let me knaw. Ah cannae sue the arses aff them if ah hivnae read it.

Official 1690 Election Endorsements.

The campaign is almost at an end, thank the Laird, an' it is time fur us here at 1690 til officially endorse the candidacy o' the folk that are chasin' yer vote. Messel an' a tap taim o' palitical analists sat up til wile late last nicht arguin' the toss o'er who we shud throw oor weicht behine this time roun' an' cudnae agree oan yin party o'er the o'er. Thus we hiv drew up a list o' candidates fur til recommend  in each invididual constitititunency.

Who til vote fur.........

Aist Antrim - Sir Sammy of Wilson (DUP), obviously, fur the wee cheeky chappy brings a smile til all oor faces wi' his antics. The oany doonside is that we micht lose his knowledge an' skills in Stormount if they get rid o' double jobbin.

Aist Londonderry - Willie Ross (TUV) - mainly due til his age. Nat votin' fur him wud be like kickin' an auld boy's walkin' stick oot frae unner him. Thy'on wud hiv made a damn guid election slogan. Vote fur Wullie - fur he is auld but he is beautiful.

Aist Belfast - Trevor Ringland (UCUNF) - an ability at Rugby is singularly useful in parliment. By the luks o' Naomi she'd be handy in the front row hersell but Trevor's international experience raises him above her. Alsae the name Ringland is inherintly amusin', sound's like some kindae hemeroid based theme park.

Fermanagh an' South Tyrone - Rodney Connor (Ind). Gerry putt me clean aff wee Michelle last nicht. Whit daes it matter whether she's a young mother. She's never at her wurk anyhow.

Foyle an' Londonderry - Martina Anderson (Shinner) -  A bit o' a lukker, especially compared til Mark Durkan. As the Shinner's Direcktor of Unionist Engagement she is doin' sterlin' work in an' around Newbuildins. Plus she has a guid Ulster Scots surname.

Lagan Valley - Wee Daphne (UCUNF) -Substantially less likely til claim for videos in hotels ah reckon, and ah hate Daniel O'Donnell an' his incredibly smug little face.

Mid Ulster - Ian McCrea (DUP) - fur ah'm frens wi' him oan facebuk. He's never done playin' volley ball an' is rubbish at word games.

Newry an' Armagh - Naebudy, fur ah dinnae like any o' them. Stay at hame an' cut the grass.

North Belfast - A tough yin here. Gerry his a very entertainin' accent an' Dodd's face makes me laugh. Howiver ah am fur Martin McCauley (Ind), only because his fren' has amusin' hair an' his policies oan wimmin' drivin'.

North Antrim - the toughest o' the lat ah' reckon. Ian Jr or Gentleman Jim, the choice is too much fur me til cope wi'. Ah hiv come doon oan the side o' Jim (TUV) fur his angry face is very entertainin' an' Ian Jr depresses the shite oot o' me jist by lukkin'.

North Down - Liam Logan (SDLP) fur he is a prapur Ulster Scots spaker - nat like the rest o' them. Lady S' is a fine figure o' a woman but she luks as if she micht hiv a brakedoon any minute, the hair has gone buck mental of late. Can't mind any o'ers.

South Antrim - Lord Reginald of Empey (UCUNF) - Ach jist luk at his wee face. It is wile important fur us til send a Simpsons character til Westminister, an' Wullie McCrea is an arse.

South Belfast - Ah personally hate Jimmy Spratt. Ah hid a ficht wi' him in real life yince. The man is a buffoon. Yer Doctor man saims nice but there is a shortage o' GPs an' he shud get back til his work. Therefower we support wee Anna Lo (Alliance) fur she's wile smiley lukkin'.

South Down - Wee Margaret Ritchie (SDLP) - Ah think she is pure class. Mad hand gestures an' an unusual stop start spakin' manner hivnae prevented her frae stickin' it til the Shinners.

Strangford - Ach Iris, where are ye when ah naid ye. Ah hiv considered Mike Nesbitt aff the TV but he never saims til wash his hair. Ah dinnae like the luk o' the o'ers either sae its goantae be Mickey Coogan (Shinner), fur ah've never heard o' him an' he hasnae a cats chance anyhow.

Upper Bann - Harry Hamilton (UCUNF) - fur god sake the man impersonates the Queen, how more loyal can ye get? Simpson is an arsehole anyhow. Ah considered Davey Griffin o' the Alliance because ah like him but his Queen impression is brock.

West Belfast - Bill "Captain" Manwering (UCUNF) - the oany man likely fur til unsait Gerry.

West Tyrone - Ma ain constituency. Normally ah back anyyin called Hussey due tae the quality o' their surname but this time ah'm fur Michael Bower (Alliance) fur ah knae him an' dinnae knae the o'ers. An' he's richt an' smart an' its time he gat a prapur jab, faffin' aboot Belfast wi' his education. Sort yersel oot.

By ma reckonin' if the guid people o' Ulster are wise an fally ma advice oor 18 MPs shud be:

2 Shinner
2 TUV
2 Alliance
2 Independent
2 DUP
5 UCUNF
2 SDLP
1 nobody - which is the same as a Shinner sae we shud add yin oantil them.

Leaders debate, Live commentary

Who will win tonight ah wunder? Oany yin way til fine oot, by awardin' points til the leaders based oan cliches an' odd things thit take ma fancy.

Economy bit

9.10 - 5 pts til Ritchie - excessive hand gestures
9.11 - 5 pts til Adams fur unnecessary an' irrlelevant reference til yer Fermanagh woman as a workin mother
9.12 - 10 pts til Reg - Dogs in the street knowin somethin
9.16 - 5 pts Robinson - "would you not agree with me."
9.17 - 15 pts til Gerry fur using the Ulster Scots "fur you til interupt me"
9.18 - Reg - 5 pts, "fantasy economics." 2 pts off for repeating.
No more points for growing private sector

Trust bit
 
0 pts til the questioner for makin nae sense

9.20 - 10 pts til Reg - elephant in the room
9.21 - -5 pts til Ritchie - repeated use of "nae doubt"
9.21 - 5 mair til Ritchie - hand gesticulation
9.22 - 0 pts til Peter - talkin' crap about expenses when his wife his Ireland's biggest pen
9.23 - 15pts Gerry says scunnered, however -5 for saying scundered, with a d.
9.24 - God, how can ye claim fur a briefcase -5 til Peter for crap talkin'
9.25 - Ritchie again - go Margaret on the Shinners expenses - 50 pts. Bout time someone mentioned Pat Doherty's bizarre 21000 bill fur a flat he flew til twice.
9.26 - -20 on Gerry, failure tae answer Margaret's question aboot the above.
9.29 - -15 tae Peter - talkin brock about family members workin fur him. Aye right.

Terrorists

9.30 - -5 til SDLP. Jaipurs Margaret putt yer hands doon.
9.31 - +5 til Peter - Endorsin' somethin' Margaret says, watch yer back love.
9.33 - +5 Gerry, mmmmm, loves Martin - so courageous.
9.34 - -5 Reg - wanting the army back
9.35 - -5 Gerry - not wanting them back
9.35 - +5 Reg - "sweeping under the carpet."
9.37 - +10 Peter - jaipurs he made a bit of sense on the army. Very odd
9.38 - -10 Gerrry - should sue Peter for saying he's in the IRA live on TV.
9.40 - Margaret +5 cliche points - "young people at the doors telling me"
9.40 - not sure who gets points here - Gerry says don't vote UCUNF, which Unionist shud they vote for ah wunner. An edorsement frae Gerry hardly gaes doon well in Ballymena.
9.42 - Whit is a policin' protocol? Nae wurry, at laist there are some.

Electoral Pacts

-40 points til the three questioners - all the same really.

9.44 - Peter - +5, "no apology til make" shud hiv give him points fur thy'on before, fur he his made nae apology oan several occasions already
9.45 - -5 Gerry "Orange midwife" -5 "young mother" again.
9.46 - -5 Reg "moving forward" ah am sick o' moving forward. Wud quite like til stan still fur a bit.
9.48 - Margaret - +10 Margaret - saying something I agree with, but -5 for lookin' confused.
9.49 - Ah am goin' til the toilet.
9.51 - Back, didnae wash me hands or anythin', minor splashin'
9.52 - -5 Gerry, aye, we knae she is a yung woman in Fermanagh
9.53 - -10 til Peter - utter contradiction in wantin' a pact in S Belfast til get a Unionist in after sayin' the reason fur havin yin in Fermanagh was about representation, nat Unionism.
9.54 - +10 til Sir Reg fur the infurmation that S Belfast is 53% wimmin, guid advice Reg, might move til there. Ah reckon its all those wee cuddies at Stran

Summin up bit

9.55 - Sick of this. Goantae git a beer.

Final Scores.

Ritchie - 60
Gerry - -10
Peter - -5
Reginald - 33

(all addin' up subject til beer)

A clear winner in Margaret "the hands" Ritchie. Reginald performs well despite saddlin' hissel with a pompous arse o' a laider, Gerry makes a few things up an' Peter luks smug but is, in the heels o' the hunt, as bent as Elton.

Bate that Belfawst Tele, ma review is oor well befair yer ain.

Election Update

Ah bought the paper taeday especially sae ah cud update yis, but there's nathin' aboot the election in it. Sorry.