DUP Conference Broadcast 2010

It escaped ma notice thit this went oot, but Ah hiv had a wee luksee an' added helpful comments.
These auld broadcasts are gettin' wile jumpy Ah note, an' dull. The music is wunnerful though, Ah wudnae mind "Norn Iron Palitical Broadcast Themes" LP fur a Christenmas box.

Ulster Wurld

It was wi' great intrest thit Ah read that Free State Tayto hiv opened a theme park, a cunning plan, nae doubt designed fur til rival the attractions o' Tandragee's ain Tayto Castle. Ah hiv nae doubt thit this will fail, fur nathin' can rival the thrill o' seein' crisps put in begs, but it put me til thinkin', it must be time fur an Ulster theme park o' some description. We hiv the Ulster American yin by Omagh, an' Cultra, but these arenae whit ye might call entertainin', mair, ye ken, like edukational. Thus Ah hiv got messel the forms aff Nelson's lat an' am puttin' in fur a grant til open Ulster Wurld, a crass community entertainment facility fur the hamely folk.

This is at early stages o' develapment, sae only a few o' the ride yokes hiv bin designed. Nevertheless, til wet yer whistle, Ah will unveil the fallyin' attractions.

Gerry's Ghost Train

As the arch nemesis o' all that is sacred til the Ulster Scot an' the surt o' boy thit gives ye nichtmares, Gerry will hiv his ain special ride. As ye trot through the tunnel oan the wee train, he will pap oot shoutin' things like "We hivnae gawn awa ye ken" an' "a united Irleand by 2000 an' 16". The fear factor will be increased by the fact thit random' folk will be plucked frae their carriages an' disappeared til Louth, a bit like hissel, if we're lucky.

The Paul Berrygoround

It is a matter o' great sadness til messel thit Paul Berry his disappeared frae the political scene, fur he was an immensely intelligent an' entertainin' individual. Thus he will be commemorated wi' an overtly camp ride thit will include shiny ponies an' sports masseurs. Insteid o' the usual music, yer ride will be accompanied by the man himself singin' gospel classics.

Iris's Love Tunnel

As one o' Ulster's great romantics it is fittin' thit Iris Robinson be minded by a Tunnel o' Love. Her an' Peter's long stannin' relationship his weathered many crises, and she remains one of Ulster's rare beauties. One can but hope that the New Year will see her return til front line palitics, perhaps in some kind of role working with small businesses. Please note that nae Gays are allowed in Iris' Love Tunnel, ye must produce a marriage certificate at the gate.

Marty's Shootin' Gallery

This may be difficult til organise, fur Marty an' his muckers hiv wi'oot doubt decommisioned all o' their armalites, but nae visit til a fun fair wud be complete wi'oot a bit o' attempted murder. The fun factor will be raised by addin' in a knee cappin' booth an' a range o' prize which will include cuddly toys in the form o' Alex Maskey an' Gerry Kelly. The grand prize will be a hideout in Donegal.

The Stormount Rollercoaster

As can be sain frae the picture, this will be an inherently unstable construction, reliant entirely on threats frae the English til keep it upright. As you hurtle round the wee rails, you will be expected til come up wi' credible budget proposals an' an alternative til the 11 plus, then suggest them til yer fellow riders, who will reject them forthwith. One thing at laist, this ride is guaranteed til make ye boke.

Brian Cowen's Economic Helter Skelter

In order til get cross border funnin' fur ma project, Ulsterwurld will include this tribute til the Free State. Basically you will sit on the back of a Celtic Tiger shaped mat an' see how fast you can make it plummet to the bottom. Someone frae Europe will be oan hand til lend ye the money til have a go if yer stuck.





Other Attractions.

A broad range o' fun an' excitin' activities will alsae be on affer. Alangside Iris's Tunnel of Love will be a Garvaghy Road themed Tunnel o' Hate, an' closeby will be a Sammy Wilson inspired Pin the Tail on the Arsehole. Fud will be served in a big tay tent organised by ladies of the local Presbyterian Ladies Guild. Entrance charges will be £7.50 fur adults and £5 fur weans, or £16.90 fur a family ticket. Charges fur the o'er surt will be substantially higher, no Euros accepted.

Save the Free State an' Royal Weddins

Royal Weddin'

It was wi' much fanfare that the forthcomin' weddin' o' the future King Billy V an' Queen Kate (?) was announced the day. Noo it may come as a surprise til many o' yis, but Ah am whit ye micht describe as a "Cromwellian" when it comes til royalty, an' it saims til me thit the buggers are wheeled oot til get wed whenever there is a recession about, but n'ertheless Ah wish the happy couple well. In these difficult financial times Ah wud alsae like til offer ma services as a weddin' planner til the them, an' propose tae invite them til Ulster fur their nuptials. It is early doors, but at the moment Ah suggest the fallyin' as it is much chaper than some big do in that London.

• Weddin' conducted on the 12th July in some obscure Gospel Hall in north Antrim. Preacher will be a Very Reverend ex Loyalist prisoner self appointed pastor.
• Money will be saved on the big parade by insertin' the happy couple, ridin' in a suitable horse an' cart, intil the Orangefest in Coleraine. Thus they will get cheered an' luk like a big royal float, an improvement oan Lord Laird in thy'on boat. 
• The reception will thus be helt in the field. Local ladies can make a big cake, an' spaches can be made aff the back o' the lorry. Suitable music will be supplied by a pipe band an' the odd lambeg, sometimes at the same time
• Food - Veda will be on offer, along wi' sausage rolls. Tay fur grown ups an' orange juice fur weans.
• Fallyin' the field, the happy couple can gae fur a shindig in a local hotel. This is potentially a financial hurdle til cross, but they are young an' will want a wee jive. Music by Barnbrack
• Honeymoon - a B&B in Portrush. 

Incidentally Ah fully intend til send this til the Queen later oan, fur Ah hivnae writ til her in ages. 

Save the Free State.

Fallyin oan frae ma racent announcement thit Ah am til stan' in the Free State's election, throwin' ma hat intil Gerry's ring as it were, Ah taeday launch ma Nine Point Programme fur the economic recovery o' thy'on benighted statelet. It was goin' til be 10, but Ah ran oot. It is oany richt that we come til the aid o' oor nearest neighbour in their oor o' naid, in particular thosuns still languishin' in the occupied three counties.

Ma thinkin' is thit if Gerry intends fur til bring his immense economic talents til bear in the present crisis, he must be basin' this oan the traditional Shinner palicies used til make Northern Ireland the economic powerhoose that it is taeday. In formulatin' ma "New Dale fur the Free State" Ah hiv thus attempted til replicate some o' the Shinner successes, an' add a few o' me ain.

Shinner rip aff palicies.

Rest assured Free State folk, Ah dinnae intend til blow the shite oot o' yer towns an' villages, although there are clear economic benefits in the construction an' glazin' industries. Ah feel that this wud be a step tae far, sae instead Ah propose the fallyin'.

A. The stimulation o' the Black Economy through cross border smugglin': There is nae doubt that customs duties are o'er rated, since they remove spendin' power frae the hard pressed consumer. Thus the smugglin' and launderin' o' fuel, cattle and fegs will be encouraged by havin' a shite police force either side o' the border. Ah amnae tae sure how ye launder cattle an' fegs but will wurk it oot.

B. The settin' up of Ulster Scots advice centres: These will mirror the Shinner ones in the North, gi'en folk advice as til how til squeeze every last wheen o' pence oot o' the benefits system, bendin' the rules where applicable.As wi' smugglin' it will put money intil the hands o' consumers as well as ensurin' there are mair jabs fur other folk til apply for, as a lock o' folk will be better aff at hame. 

C. Policing reform: The Garda will in future act like the provos in the North, and batter the legs off folk for anti-social behaviour. This will save a lot of cash through nat havin' til put them through the courts oor lock them up. Furthermair the Free State hospitals will soon be experts in dealin' wi' traumatic injuries, a strange boast we have employed up here frae time til time. 

D. Resident's Groups: Tourism will be encouraged by the formation o' randomly placed Ulster Scots residents  groups entirely representative o' the views an' opinions o' the folk o' their areas. Admittedly some Ulster Scots micht have til be imported to fulfil this role, but it will be wurth it when there are riots at St Patrick's Day parades, much tae the delight' o' passin' tourists. 

E. Robbin' stuff: Bank heists an' other criminal activity will further liquidate the economy. This cuts both ways, fur the banks an' the like are well insured, an' can get their money back. Maist insurers are foreign companies, sae when they pay oot it will be the same as inward investment.

Nat Shinner Palicies

F. Roadsigns: Puttin' all the signs in garlic uses twice the paint an' metal as just havin' them in English. It shud be accepted thit everybody unnerstawns English, even messel, an' can therefore navigate mono-lingually. In addition puttin' spade an' distance signs in Miles per Arr wud main folk get til their wurk quicker, thus increasin' productivity.

G. An immediate tax oan maudlin songs: Anyone singin' depressin' dirges aboot wishin' they were in Ireland when they are in it shud pay a tax. Anyone caught singin' them 3 times shud be sent til live in Yemen, thus, in turn, cheerin' everyone up an' reducin' the jobless total.

H. Tourism: All the figures indicate that maist visitors til the Free State come frae the UK. They shud be encouraged by occasionally flyin' their fleg aff a hotel instead o' every o'er country in the wurld except them. Alsae nat abusin' them in bars an' in the National Anthem might help a wee bit. 

I. A United Ireland: Unner the crown obviously. This is a long term goal as we wud have til persuade the folk in the North til take the Free State back, at the moment the cross border shappers make that economically unattractive fur Unionist strongholds like Newry an' Londonderry. 

Professor Billy McWilliams to run for seat in the Free State

Top Ulster Scots Academic, Professor Billy McWilliams is to step down as Chair of Kilpike Sheepdog Society and Visitin' Lekturer in Ulster Scots Dancin' to stand for election in the Irish Republic.

He said he hoped to contest the Donegal constituency, near the Irish border.

He said his Sheepdog replacement would be chosen this week, while he would remain as Lekturer in Dancin' until the Irish general election is called.

Professor McWilliams said the main reasons for his surprise decision were the economic crisis and the need for new ideas.

He said the current Fianna Fail/Green coalition government was "probably the most useless bunch o' arsewipes in the histry o' the Free State".

"As laider o' the only all-Ireland Ulster Scots thing wi' an all-island mawndate, Ah hiv a choice til make whither ti stay in Kilpike, a place thit Ah love, or til seek a mawndate in ano'er country like the Free State."

"Kilpike is ma hame. It is where Mrs McWilliams and wee Billy are an' where Ah dae maist o' ma drinkin'.

"But after a wheen o' pints, an' wi' the support of o'er folk, Ah hiv decided fur til put my name forward for Donegal. If elected for this constituency Ah will wurk and stay there an' travel hame when passible fur til get chape drink an' fags."

The Irish prime minister, Brian Cowen, must call a general election before July 2012 and it is thought the election may happen next year.

Donegal currently has no Ulster Scots representative, though Professor McWilliams claims that there "are a wile lat o' them in the occupied three counties".

Professor McWilliams is due to deliver the keynote address at the St Johnstone Orange Hall in County Donegal later.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-11751856

Poitry

As explained the o'er day, the funnin' fur 1690 is runnin' dry due fur til the cutbacks inflicted by Finance "Minister" Sammy Wilson. Thus Ah hiv bin lukkin' fur til expan ma repertoire intil poims, in the hape o' gettin' a grant frae the USA (Ulster Scots Agency, til the uninitiated). Ah hiv researched Ulster Scots poitry, an' hiv noted thit they are mainly based oan rural matters, an hiv nae artistic merit whitsaeiver. Ah hiv decided fur til haul wi' the latter criterion, but til adapt a foul baked, "Bate Poit" type o' approach in the hope o' gittin' a grant. Thus Ah publish ma yinst few belaw.....

Wilson


Tooty wee squat arsehole
Shitein' oan folk frae a brae o' teats
Fur a bat, at nicht, nae blinded
Flung thru the dark til mait his plump bake.


Crumbs.....


Clabber lifted an' shifted
Threw intil a dark wee space
fur she micht see, the nosey bitch
Ah'll hiv til hoke it later,
Til fine the stuff ah bucked in.

Fur noo ah shall lave it
Cubby hauled


Farmers.


Lurchin tractor bastards
Blackin' the road
Haulin' tubes o' shite
In rush oor

Spade the feck up
oor pull over
Yis bastards.

Free State Woman

She micht luk normal,

but she's the o'er surt,

lukkin o'er at ye wi' doeful eyes.

But ah'm a marcher,

an' naid me annual danner thru Catholic areas,

mind ye,

her's wud dae

Road Kill


Windaes rolled doon
The wireless blarin'
Parked up at the heid o' the toon
Lukkin' fur cuddies


Bullet heid lurkin'
Belaw the wheel o' the motor
Saits back, eyes deid
Wee feckers


Think they're in Ibiza
But they're nat,
It's Rathfriland
An' its pishin.

Ulster Scot Arse o' the Year, 2010

As nicht fallies day, as hangover fallies drink, as arse fallies teat, sae evil trails guid. The o'er day we posted a list o' tap Ulster Scots folk who hiv made important contributions til oor culture o'er 2010, an' taeday we must consider those who hiv let the side doon. Nat all Ulster Scots are kindly folk like Jim Allister, there are themuns oot there who harm oor culture an' community. Thus we must vote likewise fur arse o' the year, naminations are below. Tae be honest thesuns are a list o' personal grudges, but Ah intend fur til make a certificite an' post it til the winner.

Gregory Campbell

DUP hard man Gregory is nat oany a sour faced hallion wi' mair jobs than a brothel, he is alsae an ill-mannered arse who his consistently refused ma friend request oan the Facebuk. Manies ano'er yin has accepted, but grumpy Gregory ignores ma overtures entirely but accepts numerous o'ers, despite the fact that we hiv 28 mutual friends. Even wee Jeffrey accepted me an' backed Save Veda, but nat Gregory. However it is nat oany this personal slight which finds him naminated, it is alsae the fact that he is a right arsehole.

Irwins Bread folk.

As bakers o' the sublime Nutty Krust, Irwins shud have godlike status for the likes o' messel . However they are naminated fur takin the sacred loaf o' the Ulster Scots an' cuttin it intil wee footery slices as well as their attempts til subvert the anti-slice campaign intil some kindae markettin' campaign fur themselfs. They have, til some extent, backed doon, having realised thit they have bit aff mair than they can chew, but we await their pramises reachin' fulfilment.



Sammy Wilson

Ah believe this yin til be fairly self explainin'. Sammy saims til pasitively enjoy the cutbacks, bangin' oan aboot tightenin' oor belts whilst lukkin' like he's aboot til burst his ain. Furthermair the wee red faced ballix pulled the funnin' fur ma ain jab, thus plungin' the wurld o' Ulster Scots Academia intil financial meltdoon. Incidentally if any o' yis naid the services o' an Ulster Scots Academic, gie us a shout. Ah can alsae walk dugs an' cut grass, cash in hawn mind. 








Martina Anderson

"She's niver an Ulster Scot," Ah hear yis cry, but Ah lukked up her name in the big buik o' Ulster Scotsness an yin she is. The Shinner's director o' Unionist engagement is a richt humourless hard ticket. Havin accepted me an ma German counterpart as her facebuk pals, she drapped us at the first hint o' tomfoolery. She actually hid the cheek til tell me nat tae be silly. Unionist engagement my Orange Arse. 


Christine Bleakley


Ah admit ah am mainly naminatin' her fur a slightly different Arse related award, but she too his let us down. In the name o' the laird, whit his Frank Lampard gat that ah hivnae?

Ulster Scot o' the Year, 2010

It is the time o' year where the mind o' Palitical an' Cultural Analists like messel begins til consider the event's o' the previous 12 months, examinin' the contribution o' the grate an' guid til oor society. As wi' last year, Ah hiv calt in a rake o' big wigs in the Ulster Scots Academic community fur til arsess the doin's o' oor laiders. A short list his bin drew up fur yer consideration, an' yer votes are welcomed. Thus, in nae particular order, Ah gie ye oor naminations fur Ulster Scot o' the Year, 2000 an 10.


1. Young Kirk McCambley.

Young Kirk burst oantil the palitical scene back in January when he successfully brought the Rabinson dynasty til its knees, at laist yin half o' thy'on dynasty anyways. In daein' sae he alsae gie the rest o' us yin o' the best laughs wid had in years an' a classic TV moment. Although he his faded frae the scene somewhat in racent months, the startlin impact he had oan the palitical landscape will remain fresh in the minds o' many o' us, as will the bizarre images his business strategy forced me til dwell oan.




2. Nelson McCausland

Nelson McCausland wud nat saim a natural choice for a government minister bein', as he is, a bit slow, but he successfully raised the profile o' Ulster Scot across the wurld when he tuk up my campaign til sort oot the Ulster Museum's appallin' lack o' palitical an' cultural parity. His interestin' thoughts re creationism ensured that the Ulster Scot was taken seriously by the global media. This will hopefully lead til a mair reasoned debate oan such matters, as demonstrated in later discussions o'er the heid o' the Giant Causeway.



3. Naomi Long.

The efforts o' Naomi in unseatin' Peter Rabinson come second oany til young Kirk's jiggery pokery in gien' us a quare laugh in these troubled times. Fur messel at laist, she made a long night o' election observation wurth while, admittedly assisted by a large quantity o' beer an' crisps. Although nat a praper Unionist, Ah lukked up her name in a big book an' she is alsae an Ulster Scot, albiet yin frae Belfawst.



4. Jim Shannon

Like his party cohort Nelson McCausland, Jim wudnae be described as the sharpest tool in the bax (that wud be Kirk) but he tae made sure thit the Ulster Scot is taken seriously in a corridor of power when he addressed the Hoose o' Commons in the hamely tongue. Perhaps now wee George Osborne will recognise thit Norn Iron is indaid a special needs case.

5.  Professor Billy McWilliams an' the Rev McFetridge.

Ah wus absent fur this namination, but oor success in protectin' the sacred loaf frae the assaults o' its enemies is deemed wurthy o' consideration. Combined wi a relatively successful Wurld Cup bid back in May, an' the influence weilded o'er Nelson McCausland, it his bin an interestin' year fur the in the wurld o' internet tomfoolery, despite a severe lack o' 1690 postin o' late.





O'er Matters - 

Veda has bin saved, an' ah' hiv made this wee film in celebration. Ah made it ages ago, but furgat til post it.