Sammy's arse

Nat a real election update thing here, just til let yis naw that ah am fur supportin ma German counterpart Wilhelm in his campaign fur til get the pictures o' Sammy Wilson in the nip back intil the paper. It is oany by clever media manipulation like thy'on that the DUP will rach oot til younger voters.

Details can be foun' here, ah urge all richt thinkin Ulster Scots fur til support this proposition.

Bavarian Orange Order.

Pole

Ah note a resurgence in DUP votes on the pole thing. Ma Sammy film must hiv done the trick.

Knackered

Too tired fur a praper update taenicht. For yin thing ah spent a large part o' the day in high level negotiations fur til promote the City o' Culture campaign by gittin' tap international celebrities fur til support Ballyhalbert. Sae far wiv signed up Nelson Mandela, Rabbie Williams, Samuel L Jackson an' Candy Divine.  Aside frae thy'on ah wud encourage yis awl fur til spread the word oan the facebuk thing, an' ah kin noo unveil oor slogan.....

Ballyhalbert 2015: nat as far tae go tae git crabs as Portavogie.

Ah'm nat mad fur it messel, fur ah fear it sends oot the wrang message, but the consensus saimed til lain in the crab direction.

Omen.

In a strange omen, yin wi' bodes well fur oor campaign, Wee*Patsy in the 1690 Affice got a tea stain in her cup in the shape o' Norn Iron. Ah thunk yis micht like to see it.

*In earlier versions o' this article, the wurd "Big" wus accidentally used instied o' "Wee". After representations frae Patsy, and the treat o' physical violence, the error his bin addressed. Ah apologise fur any affence caused.

Ballyhalbert - UK City o' Culture - Part Yin......

As announced the o'er day, 1690 raiders surprisinly voted fur the humble Ards village o' Ballyhalbert as thar namination fur UK City o' Culture.  Ah cud fair detect the gasps o' shack frae amung the sae called "intelligentsia", sittin' up in thar posh Belfast an' Londonderry penthooses, drinkin' foreign things an' shoutin' the odds aboot how grate thar auld places are. Ye kin bet thit hardly yin o' them his sae much as set fut in Ballyhalbert, neverminds spent oany time in the Sandycoves caravan park. As pointed oot in oor escreed til the City o' Culture judges, Belfast an' Londonderry are far frae cultured places, whit wi' awl the wimmin oot shappin' in thar pyjamas. Admittedly Lurgan his made a late surge wi' its demonstrations o' traditional Mid-Ulster customs o'er the weekend, but Ballyhalbert is, wi'oot doubt, the standerd barer fur culture in this Province.

Dossier.

Ah hiv thus begun til put taegither ma' full bid fur Ballyhalbert tae be crowned UK City o' Culture, explorin' the beautiful village wi' its complex histerical past an' artistic present. This is jist a small selection o' whit Ballyhalbert his til offer.

Village Life.

Appearances kin be deceptive. Ballyhalbert may luk like thars nathin much gaein' oan but in fak it is a hotbed o' cultural, artistic an' sportin' endevour. This view o' Ballyhalbert frae the 1950s (appropriately named general view, raither than in depth study) surprisinly shows a young John Lennon (frae the Beetles) at play behind his granmaither's hoose. There are strawberries growin' in the field behine him.



Swings.

As pointed oot in an earlier instawlment o' this blog, gaein' til the swings is an intrinsic part o' oany Norn Iron Seaside hallyday.This used til involve auld folk sittin' in the wind watchin' yung folk fall aff antiquated, rustin' death traps, but nat in Ballyhalbert, fur it his yin o' the highest tech sets o' swings an' the like oan the Ards. Apart frae swings it contains a variety o' rockin' animals, as well as a tunnel an' a soft falling oan surface. The gate is designed fur tae stap teenagers gettin' in an' wreckin'.




Histeric Monuments.

Londonderry may hiv it Walls an' Guildhall,  Belfast it's City Hall an' Giant Ring, but Ballyhalbert his a plethora of things left o'er frae the last war thit naebudy iver buthered til tumble. Bein' flat, Ballyhalbert wis an ideal spat fur an airbase in the war, an' thus played its ain' small part in defaitin' Hitler, unlike them o'er twa cities. These unique an' picturesque buildins shud be a must luksee fur international visiters. This particular example is used fur community art projects by local wains.




Ulster Scots

Ballyhalbert is at the fowerfront o' the drive til see Ulster Scots established as yin o' the wurlds lingua franka. Nat oany dae maist o' the folk spake it in thar day til day lifes, but awl the signs in the area noo portray the hamely tongue. It is interestin' til note thit the folk o' Ballyhalbert are culturallly accomdodatin'. Although fully aware o' the auld Ulster Scots name o' Talbotstoun, they are happy tae use the mair widely knain (an oan the map) anglicised Irish name - Ballyhalbert. Take note Londonderry folk, nae auld daftness here..



Tap accomodation.

Whichiver city wins this covetted title will require a wile lat o' bed space fur the wurldwide visiters wha will flack til it. Oan this front Ballyhalbert wilnae let yis down. No fewer thin seventy four caravan sites take advantage o' the auld airbases o' the region, providin' beds fur up tae 18,000 summer tourists. Thus as well as takin' in the breathtakin flatness o' Ballyhalbert, oor visiters kin widen thar cutlural horizons, livin' alangside 8 drunk 16 year olds oan a weekend away frae Carrickfergus.

Nixt time we will examine the cultural happinin's o' the place.

Mrs McWilliams

Is nat an attraction in Ballyhalbert, unless shis visitin', but she wus near arrested taeday due tae dissident republican activity. She disnae much like turnin richt oot o' her wurk, sae did her usual manouever o' ga'in left, then swingin' roun' in a layby an' procaidin' hame. Unfortunately she wus spatted by the polis wha assumed thit she wis avoidin' thar checkpoint an' must be carryin' a large amount o' weaponry. It tuk her a wile fur til realise thit the sirens were fur her.
The lesson in this is clear: wimmin - learn fur tae drive richt oor yi'll end up in Long Kesh.

Pole

Lukkin interestin'.

UK City o' Culture and Hen Boys.

UK City o' Culture.

A kin proudly announce thit 1690's entry fur UK city o' culture is Ballyhalbert. It wis a close run thing, but in the end the attractions o' yin o' Ard's premier tourist destinations have wun through. Ah think we micht be stretchin' the term city a bit but Lisburn disnae even hiv a hotel an' Ballyhalbert his a rake o' caravan sites.

Ah've dun oot the form an' sent it aff. a picture o' an extract is below. This is oany an expression o' interest form sae ye dinnae hiv tae gae intil any level o' detail. Thus ah hiv time fur tae put taegither ma praper bid o'er the weekend.

Bangkok Hen Boys

Ah gat a quare shack when a lukked at the Belfawst Telegraf the o'er day an' discovered thit a rake o' thy'on Laddie-Boys a fur comin' til Ulster wi' some kine o' durty show. It disnae saim tae lang since they were chainin' up the swings o' a Sunday an' now luk at the levels we've sunk til. We hiv bin debatin' an appropriate reaction here in the 1690 orifice, Ah'm fur protestin', fur this kindae carry-on is an abomination agin the Laird, but Wullie McIlveen an' wee Davy are fur organisin' a work outin' fur til luk at them.

A wide rangin' series o' roun' table discussions fallyed oan frae this, mainly focussin' on how ye micht git tae be a Laddie Boy. Wullie McIlveen hid a few theories, mainly involvin' pumps o' yin type or an o'er, but the oany conclusion we come til is thit it wid be likely fur til be wile sore.*

Pole

Hivin' made nae definite decision as tae how we shud react til thesuns comin' oe'r wi' thar strange hen/mawnness we hid originally planned fur til allow yousuns tae decide whither we shud buk tickets or paint placards. Howiver the discussion on how tae turn yersel intae yin o' thy'on Lady-folk led til an alternative vote - which Stormount Minister wud luk best as a Hen Boy.

* Ah am fur warnin' yis, Auld Knunsden and John Henry in particular, thit this is a family blog, an' awl overly disgustin comments will be deleted by somebody or o'er, eventually.

Terry Wogan's Blatant Sectarianism

Oany a wee post taenicht fur ah'm oany in the door after a wurk thing. We wur hivin' a team bondin' exercise taeday, mainly involvin runnin' aboot lukkin fur things an' then hivin' a BBQ. Very nice it was tae, if it wasnae fur a lack o' variety in the meat department leadin' til messel hivin' til ate a vegetarian meat substitute pretendin' fur til be a sausage. A pointless exercise which will nae doot play havoc wi the McWilliams disgestive system. Ah hiv hid tae rush hame an' drink beer fur til try til detox.

Terry Wogan

Aulder raiders micht recall a brief campaign we run a lock o' months ago fur tae git the Reverend Dr Big Ian Paisley oantil thocht for the day oan the Radio 2. As we pointed oot at the time Sir Terry Wogan an' his crew hiv awl kines o' folk oan thar programme, gi'en us a few things til think oan ivry mornin'. At nae point his the big mawn bin oan.

I was concerned, therefower, tae fine oot that Sir Wogan is fur retirin' an' still hasnae reached oot til the Ulster Scots community by invitin' oan the big mawn. As the clack is noo windin' doon ah hiv decided til reopen this auld campaign tae see if we kin git it sorted by Christenmas. It micht be hard fur tae run twa high profile campaigns at the yi time, whit wi' the ficht agin' Google an awl, but ah've taken oan some tempry staff fur til dae the spade wurk.

Thus ah hiv agin escreeded til the BBC. Ah cannae gie yis the email address, fur its yin o' them wee boxes thit ye fill in, but ye can add yer support here.

This is whit ah screeded til them........

Dear Sir Wogan

A lock o months ago ah screeded til yis pointin' oot thit yis hiv consistently failed fur tae broaden the cultural an' religious mix o' yer Thinkin aboot the Day bit by invitin' oan the Reverend Dr Big Ian Paisley tae gie ye his thoughts. At the time ye ignored thy'on email, nae doot tae busy chortlin' aboot traffic an the like wi' yer chums, an' noo ah fine thit ye are tae retire frae the wireless.

Ah wid hape thit ye intend fur til redress this wanton sectarianism by gittin' the Big Mawn oantil yer show as soon as passible. He tae his retired, sae wid be able fur tae fit ye in. If he cannae manage it, ah wid suggest thit ye find some o'er figure frae the Ulster Scots community tae dae a bit o' thinkin'. Ah wud volunteer messel, but ah dinnae think oan religion very much. Howiver if ye want someyin tae give thar thoughts oan which crisps make the best sangwich, ah'm yer mawn. (Personally ah think it's Wotsits, fur the texture an flavour is jist richt, but unfortunately thar a bad shape an are furiver rollin' oot o' yer Mother's Pride).

Love
Professor Billy McWilliams,
Heid Yin o' 1690 an' all thon

Ulster Scots Radio

Cannae believe ah missed this. House prices within a 10 mile radius o' Maghera must hiv shat up. Maybes Sir Wogan shud take up wi' them after he retires frae Radio Twa.

Ah will endeavour fur tae post richt tamarra nicht when ah've hid time til drink more.

Anti-Free State Google Campaign, agin.

Hoke Oot!

As yi'll awl knaw, we here at 1690 are fur campaignin' agin' the Google folk fur they hiv gat an Irish virgin' o' thar Sarchin' thing but nat yin in Ulster Scots. The main plank o' oor campaign is thit we're goantae hiv' oor ain sarchin' machine. We were fur usin' the comments bit, wi some success ah hiv tae say, but this wisnae a lang term solution, but ah hiv spent maist o' taeday lukkin fur a suitable yoke fur tae use insteid. Thus ah kin proudly announce the launch o' Hoke Oot! - the Ulster Scots Sarch Ingine.

Yer link til Hoke Oot! kin be foun in the wee sidebar bit o' this page. Simply put in yer name sae we knaw who wur gettin back til, type yer query intae the wee box whar it says question, an' click oan Luk! Ah luk it up in a buk an' get back tae when ah git roun' til it. Mrs McWilliams an' messel hiv thoroughly tested it, an' its gat awl the ansers richt sae far.

Ah widnae be in tae much o' a rush fur an anser mind ye, fur ah micht nat hiv me computer turned oan, oor be in praper wurk or whitiver. If ye hiv a complicated query ye micht be better aff puttin' it in the comments thing, fur ah hivnae much room tae type in they'on wee box.

Free State Google Campaign Update: Biblical Analogy

The Buik o' Ian
Chapter Yin
Verse Yin

Ah luv a guid Biblical analogy sae.......


An Lo......

The folk o' Blackskull (fernenst Dromore) didst fine oot thit the Googlin' folk were fur translatin' the Inglis intae the heathen tongue fur tae propiogate thar fiddlin' oan fiddles, Lord o' the Dance, "sure isn't it a bit o' craic?" culture. But at the same time, the Googlin' folk were fur ignorin' the Lambeg bangin', true originators o' the wurd "crack", langauge o' the inventors o' maist things, especially rope, an' tyres.

The folk didst wail, an' say "Laird! Fine us a mawn thit will save us frae a Free State Google perpetuatin' the myth o' Gaelic culture in these Lawnds. "Dinnae wurry," saith the Laird, "fur Billy McWilliams an' his tame are busy, as we spake, formulatin complicated arguments which wud bring doon even the biggest sarch ingine."

The champion o' the folk didst e-screed doon tae the Free State Google Folk an' lo they didst reply (in Inglis ah noted, nat the Free State tongue.)

But Billy (messel) didst nat except thy'on as a ligitimate excuse. "Wise up!" wis the jist o' ma carefully constructed argument. "Oor yer facin' a rebellion".

An thus Billy wis cast intae the wildnerness (an area ootside Portadoon) fur tae try tae think on ways o' bringin doon Free Stae Google.


(End o' Bibleness)

Revenge agin Google.

Ah thunk long an hard aboot how best thit a small, Google hosted, Ulster Scots blog cud passibly campaign agin' the lack o' parity o' esteem revailed by a multi-national conglomerate.

Ah cud.....

• Supeglue maself til the Google hamepage like thy'on climatic changers.
• Move the blog til somewhar else, except ah widnae knaw how til dae thy'on an' wud prabably lose it in the internet.
• Firebum them, but thy'on saims a bit 1970s.

New Sarchin' Ingine.......

Nain o' these wud wurk, sae ah hiv decided fur til start up me oan sarch engine whereby yousuns e-screed queries til me an' ah luk them up in buiks afore gittin back tae ye a lock o' days later. If yis hiv a query aboot anythin' (o'er than durtiness) let me knaw, fur ah hiv sevral buiks an' ah will fine ye the anser. Simply putt yer question in the comments thing unner here, an' ah'll git back tae ye when ah git roun' til it. Alcohol permittin'.

Pole.

Ah've changed the pole fur yin o' oor raiders his pointed oot thit ah've missed the big news story o' the week.
Cheese or Cat will hiv tae wait.

Free State Google

New Campaign

Yin ' oor correspondents (fur we dae hiv a cupple) spatted an interestin', an' indaid shackin', story oan the BBC website the o'er day. Ah'm sure he wis as bewildered as ah wus when he read it, but luckily he gat in touch wi' oorselves an' we hiv a chance tae put it richt.

It appears thit themuns in the Google hiv created an Irish Language service, fur use by yins in the Free State. Ah knaw thit the alarm bells will be ringin' fur yis already. Whar, we ask, is the Guid Friday agreed, legally required Ulster Scots equivilant?  As Norn Iron's largest an' laist sectarian Ulster Scots web thing we hiv taken up the challenge an hiv e-screeded til the folk at Free State Google. Oor response is below, ah wid urge awl oor raiders til dae likewise. (press-ie@google.com).

Time wastin'.

Ah wis playin' Spider Solitaire the o'er day, when ah happened tae luk at the statistics. It saims thit ah' hiv lost 14768 games o' it, whilst winnin' 1588. This gives a total o' 16356 games. If an average game takes yin minute, thy'on mains ah hiv spent 272.6 hours playin Spider Solitaire. Combine thit wi' time spent writin' this, lukkin at futball scores an' examinin' Busty Ballymena (fur research purposes oany) yid soon wurk oot thit ah hiv wasted ma hole life an naid tae fine o'er interests. Ah intend til dae sae soon, but in the maintime ah wus wunnerin' if any o' yis oot thar his wasted as much time oan crap computer card games?

Flegs

Ah'm enjoyin' the fleg countin' thing at the battom o' the sidebar. It noo his mair flegs than Sandy Row in July, A fair smatterin' o' Union Jacks alang wi' a rake o' Free State yins fur the bonefire.

Pole

We are indaid culturally significant. We knew thit already, but its guid fur til hiv it confirmed by oor raidership.

Gary Linekar

Arse

http://www.bbc.co.uk/northernireland/northernexposure/

Double Arse

This is officially the maist condescendin', irritatin', turn o'er tae RTE inducin' progrmamme o' awl time. Ivry yin in the wurld shud e-screed intae the BBC wi' yin wurd... "English folk, gae bak an' feed crisps tae yer real wife ye jug eared poncy arse! Dinnae come here an' luk as smug as thy'on in a barraed sports car. Ye arse. Whit aboot Healy? Eh? Yin - Naw, Yin - Naw."

Ah'm awa tae fur til raise a people's army an' smash the state.

Agin....

Ah hiv bin drinkin', but it's a truly brock show.

Nat sure whit tae call this yin.

Pause fur thocht

The ither day ah hid a bit o' a mornin' crisis fur whin ah goat up fur wurk ah foun' that the motor wudnae start. As a result ah hid tae lend yin aff Wullie McIlveen an' it turned oot that the wireless in his auld yoke wis stuck onatae the Licht Programme (BBC Wireless Twa fur youse yungyins), sae ah wis forced tae drive til the aerodrome listinin' til Terry Wogan. It hid bin sevral years hence since ah last tuned intae "Wakin' up til Wogan", an' a cupple o' thochts come tae me.

Yin -

This is meant tae be Wireless Twa oan the BBC, nat the RTE, sae how come thy'on Free State Boy has bin oan fur sae lang? Its nat as if we'uns in Ulster cannae produce high quality braidcasters. Ye need oany luk at the likes o' George Jones, Canny Divine an' Hugo "skiddileye" Duncan tae realise the wealth o' talent that is concurrently languishin' oan oor local radio. Why hivn't these yins bin given the nashunal exposhure thar talent clearly deserves? Howiver, mair til the point -

Twa -

Fernenst 9.15 each mornin' the aforemenshuned Wogan takes a brake frae playin' Katie Melua (an banterin') tae introduce "Pause fur Thocht", genrally a few wurds frae the Pastor o' sum religion oor ither. This spat his bin filled by folk frae awl religions an' Nuns, frae Muslim Imams tae Jewish Rabbits, but, an here's the rub, nat yince in the 53 years that Wakin' up til Wogan has bin braidcastin' his the Big Mawn hissel bin on. Tae the best o' ma knawledge they havnae even hid yin representative o' the Free Presbyterian Church gi'en us a few comfortin' wurds o' a mornin'. We here at 1690 regard this as a a lak o' respeck fur oor kulture an' heritage an' hiv therefower e-posted til the BBC til demand that this wrang be richted. Ah hiv copied this e-post til below.

Dear Sir Terry Wogan, Lottery boy and Traffic hen.


Ah am an occasionally regular listener tae your show an' fally in particlar yer religus bit - Pause fur Thocht. Generally ah enjoy this, full well in the knawledge that if sum boy comes on who ah knaw is wrang ah kin turn over til he's aff. Racently, howiver, ah hiv realised that yis hiv yit til hiv the Rev Dr Big Ian Paisley oan tae giv his thochts. This dispite the fak that he invented the church an' wis its heid yin til nat lang syne. Yis havnae even hid yin o' his boys oan; the Rev Wee Wullie McRea fur example.


We in the Ulster Scots community deman' a purity o' steam an' that the Rev Dr gits a turn oan yer show. In fak, gi'en that yiv niver hid him oan, we deman' that he's oan ivery day for 6 and a haf weeks, til mak up fur the previous years. If yis dinnae putt this richt, ah will screed til the Equality Commisshun fowerthwith an', ah hiv nae doubt, yil be gittin a stern screedin' aff them afore lang.

Love

Billy McWilliams
Heid Yin o' http://1690andallthat.blogspot.com/

Hopefully that will putt them richt. Ah will let ye knaw if they reply, but it micht help if youse raiders fally suit an' e-post yer thocht til Sir Terry. Go oan, yis knaw yis want til.....

Bit Nine Point Yin.

Thosun's o' yis wha' fally this will rememember that Bit Nine - Life in the Branze Ages Times - came til a grindin' hault as WJ McIlveen wis dragged intae the holdin' area o' ASDA by a big Latvian. Yince inside thy'on, he wasnae able tae provide any mair histry, laivin' me stuck. Luckily WJ wis relaised wi'oot charge an', far frae putt oot by the experience, came bak tae me wi' a fresh ootluk.

Hinges.

It turns oot that thy'on Latvian Security boy was, in his hame place, a Professor o' Archaeology, he wis jist here fur ASDA security pays better. WJ an' his new pal got chitterin' o'er thair shared intrest in histry an' the big lad offered tae take him up the Giant's Ring. Now WJ tells me he'd niver goan thy'on way afore, but he's bin sae excited sin' he kin haurdly sit doon. Accordin' tae yung Wullie, its a hinge monument, likely sum kindae late Neolithic/Early Branze Ages Nicht Club, best visited efter dark tae git the full effeck. Ah menshuned tae Mrs McWilliams that ah micht pop up tae see whit awl the carfuffle wis aboot, but she jist lukked at me.

Pole.

The nudey pole his closed wi' a wile puir turn oot. Ah'm puttin' this doon tae the fak that ah didnae giv yis the option "nain o' the abuve", but naintheless ah fail a bit let doon. Luckily yis voted tae see a nudey snap o' Iris in the Ulster Museum, an' ah will screed tae them tamarra' makin yer thochts clear. Alsae, ah suppose, yiv already seen Sammy in the nip sae micht nat be sae interested in larnin' mair, but yis micht hiv furgat that Mervyn Storey nearly gained maximum exposure a wheen o' years hence. In an earlier career he wis a much soucht efter male model, a whisker away frae appearin' nudey oan o' an album cover. Fortunately fur us all Oasis opted nat tae call thar 1995 Number yin album "Mervyn Storey's Morning Glory."

Nae pole this week, fur a cannae be ersed thinkin' oan yin.

Seturday Nicht at the Picturs

New Joab.

Ah'm noo near tae a week in the Royal Ballat Skool, nair til London, a quare chenge frae ma deys in Ballymena. Sae far things hiv goan fine. At yinst the cast o' Swan Lough wernae tae plaised at the introducshun o' Drumnavaddy's drum corps at full throttle, bit a managed tae persuade them that Tchaikovsky hid aways envisaged a rattle o' Ballylough time in the backgroun'. Whit swung it fur them wis ma point that yid rairly fine a mair Ulster Scots name than Billy Elliot. If thesuns iver want til raich the hichts o' him, thid naid til larn til appreciate the auld goatskin. Ah'll still be visitin' leckturer in Ballymena, mind you, sae willnae succum tae London ways.

Nudey Picturs

This week ah hid intended til luk fairther intae the branze age, bit as usual events hiv overtakin' me. A group o' "comediens" hiv decided til dub the nudey pictur "Flesh Gordan" intae Ulster Scots, wi the idea, ah'm sure, o' gi'en a few smart erses a laugh at the hamely tongue. Whin ah heared this idea, ah got strait oantil Billy McQuillan, oor very ain linguist an' pictur buff. Billy taul me, that efter manies an hur researchin' nudey picturs, he his oany iver come across yin o' them in Ulster Scots.* This wus the infamous "Braveerse", a durty luk at yin o' Scotland's gratest folk. Full details o' this new travesty can be foun' at...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/7920221.stm

The quality o' the translashun can be judged by the fak that they use "smot" when they main "nudiness". Yin o' ma correspondants his suggested that we here at 1690 organise a group visit fur til see this this fillum, but ah sae Naw tae that. Insteid we shud be organisin' oorselves fur a form o' flash protest. Ah recall a few years hence there wis a dokumentary aboot the Roman Catholic church called "Father Ted." In yin episode, the eponymous Priest an' his sidekick protested agin a nudey fillum. Ah' reckon that fur yince we shud tak a leaf oot o' the papist's prayer book an git oorselves doon til the cinema, banners aloft. Sammy Wilson his reciprocated oor support fur him by puttin' his wee red face on yin fur us. The hamely tongue is fur the spakin', nae fur the lickin'.

Grate Picturs.

Howiver it putt me tae thinkin' aboot whit micht happin if we goat a big enough grant frae yin o' oor o'er funders - the European Fund Of Oral Linguistics Secretariat. It micht allow us til putt ano'er few films intae Ulster Scots, makin' me wunder how some o' the classic lines o' cinema histry micht soun' in the hamely tongue. A few examples are belaw, if ye kin think on any mair let us knaw.

Of all the ginjoints in Annaclone......

1. Mrs Robinson, yer tryin' til coort me, aren't ye?

2. Yiv got til esk yersen yin question: 'Dae ah fail lucky?' Well, dae ye, ye boy ye?"

3. Hasta la Vista, bairn!

4. Tae be fair tae ye wee cuddy, ah dinnae gie a hoot.

5. Ye had me at, "Whit aboot ye?"

6. Why dinnae ye git yersel up here sometime an' tak a luk at me?

7. Ah wantae be oan ma sen.

8. Thy'ons lukkin at ye, wain.

9. A wee Bush, shuk, nat steered.

10. Ah luve the guff o' 4 star in the forenuin.

A Prablem Sheared

As I screed this evenin' the pole has nat yit stapped, so ah'm unable tae pass comment oan the result. Howiver it is apparent that yis share ma admirashun fur Iris, an' her style. Ah mentshuned this tae her o'er dinner in Portavogie the oe'r nicht, an' she is wile touched by the affectshun yis hiv shewn her. Sae much sae that she his affered her services as an Agony Aunt til Blog fallyers. Jist putt yer prablem, whitever it micht be, intae the comments, an Iris will git back tae ye as sain as she can.

Nixt week, wurk an' events permittin', Bit Nine.

*In the intrests o' dacency Ah've removed ma earlier intrests o' dacency addendum. This will oany mak sense if ye saw the yinst wurds oan the intrests o' dacency which Ah hiv decided werenae dacent enough.

Dinnae Badger oor Sam. (a better heidline than the last yin)

Bluey/Orangeyness

Fur thosuns oot thair wha fally this, av changed colours agin'. The votin' a few odd weeks back wis inconclusive but the fitba wis over, an ah hid naithin' better til dae.

Return o' the Man.

Guid news fur supporters o' Sammy Wilson who his arisin' frae his holt tae take a stan' for a cause close tae the enviromentalists' harts. Sammy his ris up fur the badger, yin o' the native Ulster Scot native spices. He his demandeded a stap til the batin' o' them, insteid lukkin fur the perpretaters til be slammed up. Interestinly Sammy his blamed the Direk Rule goverment fur a failure tae dail wi' these boys correkly, an' calls fur mair co-operation wi' the Free State. Wile ah' think he's up a left thair, he is richt til raise his heid oan this, an' his spakesman said this firm stanin' wis nathin' til do wi' the enviromental madness o' last week.

Baste

Fur comment oan this ah hid a wurd wi' Jackie McElholm o' the Larne branch o' the Ulster Scots Anti-Baste an' Fish Batin' League who wus all in favir o' Sammy's move. Jackie said that the Badger, wi his cute black an' white face, wis symbolic o' the new multi-cultural Ulster, albiet yin wair the Ulster Scot was chief. He argued that if ye wanted til bate a baste yid be better off sortin' oot a non-native spice like the pygmy shrew.

Polis

Ah tried til use a few polis contaks frae the early 70s til talk til yin o' the baters themselfs but dispite thair best efforts we cudnae git haul o' them. Howiver yin Specil Branch contak reckoned that somethin' mair sinsiter was afoot. He taul me that the batin ring was a cross border lat based aroun' Newry. Ah think we all knaw ethnic cleansin' when we see it.

Polin

Nain o' this detracts frae oor pole, fur it is still advisable that Sugar Ray shud hae oor insite intil who shud replace Sammy, if naids must. Iris is currently straits aheid an' ah'm fur thinkin' that thy'on photae ah stuck up micht be influencin' ye, but ah want ye tae furget her beuty an' think oan hard political ideals. Though she is lovely. Very lovely indaid.

Bit Sen - Life in the New Stain Times

Save oor Sammy update.

Ah've gie up oan savin' Sammy. If thy'on Earth Frends can muster 500 odd names tae git rid o' him, an' we can oany git 18 fur his retainin' then we're bate. Ah hiv a distinct feelin' that Sammy micht be reshuffled aff tae sumwair his wee red face wud cause less offence, a new Ministair fur Racil Equality perhaps. Howiver all is nat lost, fur under the rules o' the Guid Friday Agreement Sammy must be replaced frae within the DUP. Thairfore a fine body o' men, an' hens, are linin' up fur the joab. Ah've bin thinkin' that the Party's representation in the Executive is a bit unbalanced at the moment. Yiv got yer hard man doin' Culture - Gregory Campbell, yer auld hans - Doddsy and Sam, an yer ex-UUP tae keep the moderates oan the boil, Arlene an' Danny O'. Bit wair does that leave the Free Pee crowd ah ask yis. Ah hiv a feelin that Sugar Ray will hiv tae address this failure in his coalition. Thus this weeks pole asks yis til pick yer puck fur tae be the new heid yin o' enviromentalism.

Afore ah git oan tae Bit Sen though, ah'm gittin wurried aboot Tim Tim MacPat Coogan, who's bin wile quait o' late. He announced in his comments that he was cummin Nairth fur tae investigate oor histry, an' hasnae bin heard frae since. Ah'm jist hopin he didnae gae blurtin' his Iberian claims roun' Ballymoney an' goat himsel intae baither wi' the locals. O' coorse he micht jist hiv seen the error o' his ways.

Mair til the point -

Bit Sen - Life in the New Stain Times.

Oor funders are insistent that we git oan wi the histry, an' ah hope ye knaw by now that oor remit is til edukate yis in the role o' the Ulster Scot in "Ireland". There are sum wha' wid claim thit we oany arrived here in the C17th bit awl the evidence points diffrent. Here we will luk, alangside o' sum o' Ulster's finest akademic mines, at the influence o' the Ulster Scot in New Stain Age Times.

Stains

As we seen in Bits Five an' Sax the Mesolithic folk were wile fur thair wee stains. These flint stains were hanny fur the cuttin' an' slicin' but nae sae mair fur the chappin'. If ye were a farmer lukin' tae chap doon trees fur the makin' o' a field yid naid a big hefty stain - porcellanite. Now yer Iberian crowd micht suggest oerwise, but there is nae doubt that the bestest places tae fine this type o' stone are firmly in Ulster Scots territry. At this point ah'll hiv tae lapse oot o' the hamely tongue so as tae quote -

Geochemists say that "Of the two known sources in Co. Antrim, north-east Ireland, the mainland site at Tievebulliagh has traditionally been considered the more important, with the site at Brockley on the offshore Rathlin Island seen as a minor source. Trace element geochemical analysis of samples taken from the sources has resulted in the identification of a discriminant that can be used to separate the two sites. "

Now ah havnae a clue whit that means, so ah spake tae WJ McIlveen frae King's College Ballylumford. Wile he admitted that isnae so sure whit a Geochemist is, he knew they were richt aboot yin thing - the new big stains came frae Antrim, an' nat the Free State. Who, he said, wid hiv hoked them oot o' the groun' but the Ulster Scots?

Trees

So hivin' chapped doon the trees fur the makin' o' fields, what wid the Ulster Scot stain age farmer dae wi' them? The anser is that thesuns hid brought o'er trained bastes that wudnae bite them, maistly coos and yos. The nearest type o' yo that yid git noo til then wid be the Soay yo, a kindae broon yin that luks a bit mair like a goat. This, the archaeologits reckon, was an early attempt at the manufakture o' goatskins fur lambegs, but the stain age boys learnt they'd got the wrang baste, see bit sax, an' so they mustae went back til Scotland til fine a better skinned baste. Howiver, in chappin' doon the trees the boys cleared several routes through the woodland, enabling them til walk, unhindered, frae place tae place, maist likely barin' goatskinned drums. Ah ask ye?

Pats

As wiv seen in Bit Sax the New Stain Age was the yinst time that pats were made (in Antrim). Afore this, yid hae bin wile lucky tae hae a baskit tae haul yer stuff, an' that wasnae any use fur cukin' or storin' food. Pats allowed the Ulster Scot o' 4000 BC til produce craps for the first time. Befair this he wud hiv hid naewhair til put his craps, but noo wi' fine clay pats he hid sumwhere tae keep them til the caul winter months.

But wair does the Ulster Scot fit in? In a somewhat convaluted way Eileen McIlWilliamwillaimson o' the Skool o' Gender at Aughnacloy Wee Girls Study Centre explains. She says "Folk makin' pats in them days didnae use wheels oor the like. Instied they made thair pats in thair hans." Curious, I asked her how they went aboot dain' this. "Well" says she "Yinst they made a wee small pat; then they made coils o' clay, layin' them oan tap o' the wee pat tae bild up the sides." This, she says, is proof that Free Staters widnae hiv knae how tae make a pat, fur they were barred frae havin' coils, oor any oer form o' contraption, til the late C20th.

Nixt Time.

Nixt time, fur its late, an' ah cannae be baithered wurkin' oot in ma' ain mine how the European farm improvement grants led til a rash o' New Stain Age monument bildin', we'll luk at the Branze Age Days.

SoS

Time is runnin' oot tae register yer feelins aboot the tratement o' Sammy by the Enviromentalists. I hiv jist hurd that Frends o' the Earth hae oer 500 folk signed up fur tae git rid o' him, an' we hiv oany mustered 16 votes in his support (kindae). Ah ask ye tae think of the alternative - Edwin Poots.

Bit Sax - Farmin' Folk

Sammy Update

Afore we git movin' we naid fur til update yis oan the Sammy Wilson/Climate Changin' controversy. Ah' hid thought that the interventshun o' Antoinette Givenchy (see belaw) wid hiv put a stap til this carry oan, but it saims that the Enviroment Committee o' Stormount didnae pay heed til her wise wurds. Thiv declared that thiv nae confidence in Sammy by a vote o' sax tae fower. Ah'd call oan all richt thinkin' folk oot thair tae put pen til paper and screed tae thar MLA demandin' that Sammy is kept oan. Wi' that in mine ah've changed the pole this week. Ah had intended fur a ficht aff between the winners o' the last twa poles bit instied ah'm given yis a democratik forum til' register yer feelins. When the new pole shuts, ah'll send the results tae thy'on Green Party boy up at Stormount. Saxth place in the Nairth Doon election disnae give him the richt til cause this baither fur yin o' Ulster politics finest mines.

Last weeks Pole.

Last week we had a luk at the fichtin' skills o' the Shinners. Ah' wis shacked til see that yis dismissed the merits o' the twa boyos oot o' hawn an' it came doon 'til a cat ficht between de Brown an' Ruane. In the end it fell til Bairbre, an' ah'll accept that she's a richt hard ticket. Personally ah' hiv a wee saft spat for oor husky voiced Ministair o' Larnin' fur ah' admire the commitment she shaws til oor Larnin' system here in Norn Iron. This is a woman who tuk her ain wains oot o' the vastly superior Comprehensive system in the Free State an' inflicted a divisive Ulster Grammer Skool oan them. Ye cudnae ask fur anymair than thy'on.

Howiver oor grant fundin' frae the European Fund Agin' Killin' In the Nairth So as Tae Arrange Peace (EuFAKINSTAP) requires us 'til dae a Histry thing, sae fur noo wi'll leave the present behine an' move back 'til the Neolithic.

Bit Sax: The Braw New Stain Times.

Afore we begin it wid be as well fur me tae anticipate the bleatens o' the likes o' Tim Tim McPat Coogan. Taenicht ah'll jist be takin' a quick luk at the Ulster Scots origins o' the Neolithic Folk, laivin' their way o' life til Bit Sen. In his ramblins Tim will inevitably insist that these new folk came frae Andorra or whariver, but we can soon cut oot that claptrap.

As wiv seen in Bit Five, themuns in the Middle Stain Times were no mad folk, shiftin' aboot in search o' food an shelter, but this cudnae go oan furiver. Sax oor sen odd thousan' years hence new folk cum here, bringin' wi them a braw new way o' livin'. They didnae move aboot, they wur farmers.

Drums

As farmers these folk brung bastes wi' them, new bastes, no the native spices yid gat befair. They brung coos an' yos o'er, big bastes that nae man cud fit in a boat frae Spain. They mustae cum frae sumwair nearer at hawn; an that place is maist likely tae hiv bin Scotland. Yin o' the bastes they brought wi' them wis the goat, a key ingredient in the manufakture o' a Lambeg Drum. Ah checked wi' the Archaeologits an' wile the admit that they havnae yit foun' a Neolithic Lambeg, they hiv confessed tae me that thiv foun' nae proof that thair wasnae any.

Potterin'

Furthermair, as wi'll see in Bit Sen (Life in the New Stain Times), yin o' the maist important things that turned folk intae farmers was the inventshun o' the pot. We micht well tak oor porcelin fur granted these days, but back then it was a wile important thing fur storin' the farmer's guids. Wi'oot pots, thared be naewair til store yer fuid, sae nae point in farmin. The auldest pots foun' in Ireland were foun' at Lyles Hill, Co Antrim, the haim o' the Ulster Scot. Now whitiver Tim Tim an' his ilk micht cum up with, ye hiv tae accept that any new folk wid be highly unlikely tae lug thair bastes an pots the hole way frae Spain tae Antrim befair they started at the farmin'. Jist as in the Middle Stain Times, the Neolithic folk wud a' goat doon tae busness as near as so tae wair they landed.

Recktangle

Finally the Iberian lobby shud be aware o' the fact that the folk o' the New Stain Times didnae build roun' hooses like the Mesolithic Folk. They had invented the recktangle hoose, wha' hid the bonus o' gable ends, hawny places fur murials o' boys on wicht horses.

Hopefully that will remove sum o' the usual queries, an' nixt time we can git doon tae the life o' the New Stain Folk.

In the maintime, mak' sure ye register yer support fur Sammy.

Save oor Sammy.

Thair his bin a wile lat o' discushun aboot Sammy, oor esteamed Ulster Scots Ministair o' the Enviroment, o'er the last cupple o' days. Yinst he commented that it wis awl richt tae git tae skool in thrie fut o' snaw, then he banned an advertizment fur global warmin'. Ah feel that folk hiv bin wile hard oan him bit ah thought ah shud check me facts. Ah goat oan the elektric telefone tae Professer Antoinette Givenchy, frae the Ulster-Huguenot Skool o' Alledged Climatic Changin' Events at Lisnafiffy Creationist College, an she giv' me her thoughts.

Surprisinly she belives that Sammy's wrang (!) aboot the gettin' tae wurk in the snaw, an' points oot that MLAs arnae sae guid at gettin tae wurk wi'oot it, bit says that he micht well be correk aboot the climate change ads.

Fur why:

Ai: Thar his bin a wile lat o' snaw, nat sae much warmin'. Here oan the McWilliams estate ah' can bairly see the coachin' stables.

Be: The wurld is furiver warmin' an coolin', its called wither.

See: If CO2 really did cause warmin', then fire extinguishers would be hat, pit yer han' oan yin nixt time ye pass yin.

Dee: The adverts arnae very guid, yin o' them tells ye tae stap ivry time ye see a red licht. Try that in Amsterdam an' yil be knackered in nae time.

Eee: The Green party are sayin' it, an' thar nat Orange.

Eff: Since oor new stain circle wis discovered, (luk at the earlier poast - BRAKIN' NEWS) the Ministair his bin distracted, spenin' a wile lat o' time lukin roond it. Ye really cannae blaim Sammy fur bein' up his ain Ring oan this occashun.


Annie concludes that ye shud forgive Sammy oan this an' gie him an o'er chance, fur sure wair wid we be wi'oot him.