Sat Nav

Ah dinnae normally screed oan a Friday nicht, fur fear o' gittin lynched at hame, but nae fewer thin twa o' ma correspondants hiv bin tryin til draw ma attention til a braw new invention fur the Ulster Scot. Ah hiv tae tell them thit ah knew awl aboot it already, but hiv bin keepin' it secert. Garmin, the international Sat Nav manufacturin' company, hiv bin wurkin' wi oorsels fur til develop a Sat Nav model aimed at the Ulster Scot market. The Garmin nuvi 1690 will enable ye tae git safely hame frae oany parade in Ulster.

In order fur til distinguish itsell frae o'er Sat Nav yokes oan the market it his a nummer o' unique features:

• The product is narrated by nain o'er thin Wullie Drennan, star o' Danner wi' Drennan an' heid yin, ah think, o' the Ulster Scots Folk Orchestra. Thus ye kin listen til his wee voice tellin' ye tae "Turn richt in a rake o' yards."
• It his a built in "Traditional Route Finder". Thosuns rerouted frae thar normal road kin by-pass awl polis an' resident's groups an' fine themselves richt back ootside the chapel.
• Spakin' o' which, if ye select the "Big Bang" option, ye kin be alerted til the location o' the o'er sort an stap yer motor fur tae dae extra loud drummin' oan the bonnet.
• At ma request thiv foun' a route frae Londonderry tae Belfast wha' entirely avoids Dungiven. 
• Select the "avoid themuns" option, an' ye kin be taken frae A til B oany gae'in thru areas wi' flegs up. If ye want a route frae Forkhill til Tandragee avoidin' dissident Republican checkpoints, this is the yin fur ye. Rumour his it thit the PSNI hiv bought a lock o' them fur exackly this purpose.
• Which remines me (nat thit ah'm makin this up as ah gae alang) if ye select the PSNI special option it will take ye tae the nearest Chinese avoidin' awl crime hatspats.

A fine addition til the wurld o' gettin Polish lorry drivers lost ah'm sure yil awl agree.

Pole.....

Sammy's hair is officially brock. Surprisinly 5 folk voted fur til giv him five marks fur his hair. Howiver ah checked in the 1690 records an' foun' thit at laist yin vote came frae an IP address registered til a Mr S Wilson.

This weeks vote luks at the controversy aboot which toon shud be Norn Iron's entry intae the UK City o' Culture. It saims a bit rich fur themuns in the Maiden City even fur tae gae fur this title, but ah'm fur hopin' thit the fak thit nain o' them kin write the wurd "London" will main thit thar entry gits lost in the post. Equally Belfast is a bit o' hole, whit wi' the folk wha' live in it mainly atin' Pot Noodle an' the slowness o' the main evenin' newspaper in printin' important articles. Therefower ah am fur naminatin' a few differen' locations worthy o' the title.

Terry Wogan's Blatant Sectarianism

Oany a wee post taenicht fur ah'm oany in the door after a wurk thing. We wur hivin' a team bondin' exercise taeday, mainly involvin runnin' aboot lukkin fur things an' then hivin' a BBQ. Very nice it was tae, if it wasnae fur a lack o' variety in the meat department leadin' til messel hivin' til ate a vegetarian meat substitute pretendin' fur til be a sausage. A pointless exercise which will nae doot play havoc wi the McWilliams disgestive system. Ah hiv hid tae rush hame an' drink beer fur til try til detox.

Terry Wogan

Aulder raiders micht recall a brief campaign we run a lock o' months ago fur tae git the Reverend Dr Big Ian Paisley oantil thocht for the day oan the Radio 2. As we pointed oot at the time Sir Terry Wogan an' his crew hiv awl kines o' folk oan thar programme, gi'en us a few things til think oan ivry mornin'. At nae point his the big mawn bin oan.

I was concerned, therefower, tae fine oot that Sir Wogan is fur retirin' an' still hasnae reached oot til the Ulster Scots community by invitin' oan the big mawn. As the clack is noo windin' doon ah hiv decided til reopen this auld campaign tae see if we kin git it sorted by Christenmas. It micht be hard fur tae run twa high profile campaigns at the yi time, whit wi' the ficht agin' Google an awl, but ah've taken oan some tempry staff fur til dae the spade wurk.

Thus ah hiv agin escreeded til the BBC. Ah cannae gie yis the email address, fur its yin o' them wee boxes thit ye fill in, but ye can add yer support here.

This is whit ah screeded til them........

Dear Sir Wogan

A lock o months ago ah screeded til yis pointin' oot thit yis hiv consistently failed fur tae broaden the cultural an' religious mix o' yer Thinkin aboot the Day bit by invitin' oan the Reverend Dr Big Ian Paisley tae gie ye his thoughts. At the time ye ignored thy'on email, nae doot tae busy chortlin' aboot traffic an the like wi' yer chums, an' noo ah fine thit ye are tae retire frae the wireless.

Ah wid hape thit ye intend fur til redress this wanton sectarianism by gittin' the Big Mawn oantil yer show as soon as passible. He tae his retired, sae wid be able fur tae fit ye in. If he cannae manage it, ah wid suggest thit ye find some o'er figure frae the Ulster Scots community tae dae a bit o' thinkin'. Ah wud volunteer messel, but ah dinnae think oan religion very much. Howiver if ye want someyin tae give thar thoughts oan which crisps make the best sangwich, ah'm yer mawn. (Personally ah think it's Wotsits, fur the texture an flavour is jist richt, but unfortunately thar a bad shape an are furiver rollin' oot o' yer Mother's Pride).

Love
Professor Billy McWilliams,
Heid Yin o' 1690 an' all thon

Ulster Scots Radio

Cannae believe ah missed this. House prices within a 10 mile radius o' Maghera must hiv shat up. Maybes Sir Wogan shud take up wi' them after he retires frae Radio Twa.

Ah will endeavour fur tae post richt tamarra nicht when ah've hid time til drink more.

Tennent's Lager Lovelies

When nat drinkin' messel ah sometimes like til luk back an reminise aboot the guid auld days o' drinkin'. Normally in such circumstances yid expect tae fine some auld boy declarin' how chape drink usetae be. 2d fur a flaggon an' awl thy'on, but the noo ah' spen' maist o' ma time tellin' yung folk thit a can o' Harp frae Stewart's Wine Barrel usetae cost mair than a pint o' milk. Ah mind the days o' "Jaypurs its goantae be £2 a gallon soon!", but noo ye cud run a car oan imported Belgian lager far chaper than diesel.

Frae this premise a discussion developed in the 1690 office the o'er day. It turned oot thit Wee Davy is tae yung til hiv heard oan the Tennent's Lager Lovelies. In them days, ye nat oany gat a can o beer fur yer money, but ye gat some girl in a red sweater pictured oan the back fur til luk at wile ye drunk it. This wus mainly, ah reckon, fur the makers hid wurked oot thit if ye were lyin' aroun' drinkin' cans o' Tennents, the chances are yid hiv nae reel hens tae luk at.

1991

Ah gat messel til researchin the Tennents Lager Lovelies, an' it turns oot thit the last yin tae appear oan the back o' a can wis as racent as 1991! How in the name o' Lord Laird did they drag thy'on intae the 90s. Now Wee Davy wid oany hiv bin aboot 3 in 1991, but he is frae a generation thit drinks Bacardi Breezers, gaes tae "Awl Nicht Dances" an' think they invented coortin'. (Ah wid like til point oot thit by 1991 ah'd lukked at laist 3 gurls an' micht even hiv kissed yin o' them, but ah cannae quite remember, fur it wis the Twelfth, it wis dark unner yon bridge an' it micht hiv bin a Kilty frae a pipe band.)

Wee Davy, Ibiza boy thit he may be, thinks he lives in the glory days o' popular culture, but he disnae realise thit he missed oot oan yin o' the gratest cultural phenomenoms o' the last wheen o' years - drinkin beer frae a can wi' a big haired blonde oan it.

Lovelies.

Sae like ah said ah lukked up the Lager Lovelies an' hiv foun possibly the gratest website known til mawn (after this yin). The Tennent's Lager Lovelies Website (incorporatin' a full Scottish Can Archive) is yin mawns magnum opus til the can. It covers ivry angle o' the lager lovely, frae Anne in the 1960s, thru' til the sad demise o' this yince proud institution in the early 90s. Ah urge yis especially fur ti examine "Penny's Day" - which mainly consists o' Penny drinkin' Tennent's in various states o' undress, but nat revailin' her boakin' oan her shoes ootside Captain Cook's whilst waitin' oan a taxi back til Gilford.

Shack

Thy'on site gaes far intae the histry o' the Lager Lovelies, but ma research went still farther. Ah hiv foun' a shackin' picture which micht open a hole can o' worms fur the yinst cupple o' Norn Iron palitics. Ah'm sayin' nae mair, fur sake o' libel type things. Ah wid jist say shid be ma choice o' can oan oany day o' the week.

Anti-Free State Google Campaign, agin.

Hoke Oot!

As yi'll awl knaw, we here at 1690 are fur campaignin' agin' the Google folk fur they hiv gat an Irish virgin' o' thar Sarchin' thing but nat yin in Ulster Scots. The main plank o' oor campaign is thit we're goantae hiv' oor ain sarchin' machine. We were fur usin' the comments bit, wi some success ah hiv tae say, but this wisnae a lang term solution, but ah hiv spent maist o' taeday lukkin fur a suitable yoke fur tae use insteid. Thus ah kin proudly announce the launch o' Hoke Oot! - the Ulster Scots Sarch Ingine.

Yer link til Hoke Oot! kin be foun in the wee sidebar bit o' this page. Simply put in yer name sae we knaw who wur gettin back til, type yer query intae the wee box whar it says question, an' click oan Luk! Ah luk it up in a buk an' get back tae when ah git roun' til it. Mrs McWilliams an' messel hiv thoroughly tested it, an' its gat awl the ansers richt sae far.

Ah widnae be in tae much o' a rush fur an anser mind ye, fur ah micht nat hiv me computer turned oan, oor be in praper wurk or whitiver. If ye hiv a complicated query ye micht be better aff puttin' it in the comments thing, fur ah hivnae much room tae type in they'on wee box.

Free State Google Campaign Update: Biblical Analogy

The Buik o' Ian
Chapter Yin
Verse Yin

Ah luv a guid Biblical analogy sae.......


An Lo......

The folk o' Blackskull (fernenst Dromore) didst fine oot thit the Googlin' folk were fur translatin' the Inglis intae the heathen tongue fur tae propiogate thar fiddlin' oan fiddles, Lord o' the Dance, "sure isn't it a bit o' craic?" culture. But at the same time, the Googlin' folk were fur ignorin' the Lambeg bangin', true originators o' the wurd "crack", langauge o' the inventors o' maist things, especially rope, an' tyres.

The folk didst wail, an' say "Laird! Fine us a mawn thit will save us frae a Free State Google perpetuatin' the myth o' Gaelic culture in these Lawnds. "Dinnae wurry," saith the Laird, "fur Billy McWilliams an' his tame are busy, as we spake, formulatin complicated arguments which wud bring doon even the biggest sarch ingine."

The champion o' the folk didst e-screed doon tae the Free State Google Folk an' lo they didst reply (in Inglis ah noted, nat the Free State tongue.)

But Billy (messel) didst nat except thy'on as a ligitimate excuse. "Wise up!" wis the jist o' ma carefully constructed argument. "Oor yer facin' a rebellion".

An thus Billy wis cast intae the wildnerness (an area ootside Portadoon) fur tae try tae think on ways o' bringin doon Free Stae Google.


(End o' Bibleness)

Revenge agin Google.

Ah thunk long an hard aboot how best thit a small, Google hosted, Ulster Scots blog cud passibly campaign agin' the lack o' parity o' esteem revailed by a multi-national conglomerate.

Ah cud.....

• Supeglue maself til the Google hamepage like thy'on climatic changers.
• Move the blog til somewhar else, except ah widnae knaw how til dae thy'on an' wud prabably lose it in the internet.
• Firebum them, but thy'on saims a bit 1970s.

New Sarchin' Ingine.......

Nain o' these wud wurk, sae ah hiv decided fur til start up me oan sarch engine whereby yousuns e-screed queries til me an' ah luk them up in buiks afore gittin back tae ye a lock o' days later. If yis hiv a query aboot anythin' (o'er than durtiness) let me knaw, fur ah hiv sevral buiks an' ah will fine ye the anser. Simply putt yer question in the comments thing unner here, an' ah'll git back tae ye when ah git roun' til it. Alcohol permittin'.

Pole.

Ah've changed the pole fur yin o' oor raiders his pointed oot thit ah've missed the big news story o' the week.
Cheese or Cat will hiv tae wait.