Tuesday, 23 February 2010

He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy

Ah noted wi' intrest that Gerry Adams his gat hissel a wee side job as a religious TV presenter. Nat sure if he divvyed up his fee wi' the party as he says he does, but sure he was daein' the laird's work, as always. Oan the programme's conklusion ah was swiftly oan the phone tae Chanel 4 wonderin' how come the Rev Dr Big Ian Paisley didnae get oan tae explain the formative influence of Pope Pius XI on his religious teachings, an' was told that future programmes are unner development. Chanel 4 intends fur tae show us how many famous folk hiv had their lives influenced by others, an' how thesuns endeavour fur tae reflect this in their daily lifes. Takin' a lead frae the obvious Christ like life of Gerry, future programmes include......
  • "Diane Dodds and Me - Lady Gaga's Fashion Odyssey."
  • "Confusious He Say - the Wisdom of Sammy Wilson"
  • "Goodbye Garvaghy Road: Duets - Elton John and Willie McCrea"
  • "From Evolution to Devolution - Edwin Poots and the Ascent of Man"
  • "Long Walk to Freedom: Nelson Mandela meets Andy Tyrie"*
  • "Purity and Piety - Iris Robinson explores the life of Mother Theresa."
  • "Comedy Heroes - The Hole in the Wall Gang"
Jeffrey his bin foun'

I foun' him down the back o' ma couch. He wus lukkin' for change, somethin' tae dae wi' expenses ah think.
Nae truth in the rumour that Iris is likewise hidin' oot w' messel.

*Andy Tyrie not necessarily still alive.

Thursday, 18 February 2010

Jeffrey Donaldson is Unwell

Age: About 50 ah reckon
Appearance: smug
Hair: parted
Lapel: fish
Last seen: goin' tae the video shap, prabably.

Furgat about this. In searchin' fur Jeffrey, ah thunk ah'd luk for him oan the auld facebuk. Ah foun' him, an gie him a poke, but he hasnae poked me back yit. Ah alsae foun' this fledglin' group o' concerned citizens.
If ye hiv facebuk, ye shud join......

Thursday, 11 February 2010

Captain Planet

Nat really Ulster Scots related this, an' yiv prabably sain it, but aways gives me a laugh anyhow.
Guid accents....


Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Heath help fur folk

Wi' Hog Flu still rampent aboot these parts, ah thunk ah shud share this hawny advice leaflet wi' yousuns.


Especially important is the naid fur til "wat yer hans in ablow waarm runnin watter an skoosh oan runnie sope."

Nat sure fur why it his til be runnie sope, as opposed til say stiff sope, but ah'm a Professor, nae a dactur.

Nae wurd frae the museum yit, but ah knae ma richts. Freedom o' Information an awl thy'on.

Sunday, 7 February 2010

"Ulster Museum" - Yer Auld Arse

Ah hid occasion fur til visit the Ulster Museum the o'er day, oan a bus wi' a range o' folk. Now as yid expect frae an Ulster Scots histerical an' cultural commenator, ah'm a big fan o' museums, the Apprentice Boys yin in the Memorial Hall a personal favourite, an' thus a settled doon in the bus anticipatin' a plethora o' Archaeological excitements. Fur those o' yis wha hiv niver visited the Ulster Museum a shud point oot that it takes in Art an' Science as well as histerical things, an' til better inform yis ah hiv decided fur til review the visit here.


Ballix, that awl ah kin say. Ah hiv nae idea who this Sean Scully is, but ah kin paint stripes tae. The whole flewr is give o'er tae this twat, stripes awl roun'. Me an' wee Billy are nathin' if nat cultured, we even went an watched the fillum about the fella. Chancer ah say, stannin' back an lukkin' at his stripes afore changin the colour o' yin, total chancer. If ah want til see stripes ah'll luck at the pavements o' Portavogie oor the Shankill. If ye compare the twa pictures below yi'll see whit ah main. Note the Shankill Road artists use of vertical an' horizontal strips is directly copied by Scully, but the latter's work lacks the depth an' use of perspective of his obvious inspiration. Also he lacks slogans.
Scully's is on the left.


Now, ah'm awl fur scientific larnin' but ah saw things called dinosaurs, ah saw things called fassils, ah saw "geological timelines". Did ah see yin thing pointin' oot that awl this was put here by God til fool us? Did ah arse. Evolution was explained in great detail, despite the fact that Archbishop Ussher proved that the wurld was made the night before Sunday, October 23, 4004 BC. An' Archbishop Ussher was frae here, nae less. Didnae even git a mention.


Ah hiv til admit ah quite enjoyed the Archeology bit, aside frae a bit o' ballix aboot the Celts. Howiver this brings me til the gratest prablem wi' the Ulster Museum, yin which demands ma immediete attention. When ah got til the end ah realised ah hadnae seen yin thing aboot the Ulster Scots. A brief bit aboot the Orange Order (yin panel) an' a picture oor twa o' King Billy. Ah cudnae believe it, an hiv decided fur til take the matter intil ma ain hands, wi a carefully wurded escreed til the boys at the museum. They hiv one o' those fancy comment boxes, so ah hiv copied the escreed below. Note ah writ in Englis as best ah cud fur themuns are hardly likely fur til be spakers o' the hamely tongue.

Dear Ulster Museum folk

I visited your museum the other day for a wee look see at the new arrangements. A fine collection of stuff you may have, but I noticed a clear gap in your collections. Whilst the historical bit covers a lot of stuff admirably, there is a dearth of Ulster Scots material. This is an anomaly which should be addressed forthwith.

From what I can work out the entire top flour is give over tae some boy's collection o' stripes. I would suggest that when ye get rid of that you use the available space to more adequately explore the complex world of Ulster Scotsness. The new exhibition could include articles such as lambeg drumming, sashes, sausage rolls, blackthorn sticks, more lambeg drumming and Lord Laird of Artigarvan's extensive collection of striped ties.

Whilst exploring the archaeological bit of your museum I also noticed that you have a wee speaker thing where you can listen to folk speaking Gaelic. I would imagine a similar job could be installed for to examine how folk in Ballymena, Lisnaffify and Ballyhalbert all speak a bit different from eachother.

Finally what is going on in your science bit. Fossils are made up things God put here til fool us.

Professor Billy McWilliams

Ah'll let yis knae if they reply.