Saturday, 10 December 2011

Portglenone 2012

Afore Ah commence witterin' oan in a random fashion Ah will gie yis ma custumary apalagy fur ma lack o' posts in racent times. Ah confess thit Ah hiv let doon the broad Ulster Scots community, failin' in ma pubic service remit til promote all thit is good in the Hamely folk. This is entirely doon itl the fact thit Ah was mainly wurkin' in the middle o' the nicht in order fur til pay the rent an' the like oan the 1690 affices an' was tae bate til sit here an' screed a rake o' shite. Ah hiv sadly missed oot oan many excitin' events, frae the Free State nearly savin' us frae lukkin' at Martin McGuinness til the MTV awards in Belfast an' Rhianna gettin' her baps oot in a field.

However Ah am delighted til revail thit Ah hiv foun' someyin daft enough til gie me a jab thru the day, sae Ah am able fur til be awake enough til screed brock. Ah am back in time fur Christmas, an' hiv discovered the epetition thing on the the goverment wabsite. Thus Ah am proud fur til announce a braw new campaign, Portglenone 2012........


Now it will nat hiv passed yer notice thit the Inglish hiv the Olympics nixt year, fur they hivnae stapped bangin' oan aboot it in their papers an' oan the Television. Ah hiv noted thit events an' the like arenae entirely based in London, wi' sailin' at Cows, Fitba in Cardiff an' Glasgow fur example. Howiver try as Ah might Ah cannae fine a single event in oor ain wee country. Ye wud think that they might at laist hiv threw us the shootin' at things oor the hittin' eacho'er, buy it wud appear we dinnae even warrent thon.

It wud saim thit Lord Sebastian Co an' his cronies hiv furgat thit it is the United Kingdom o' Great Britain AN' Norn Iron, in fact there wud be nae UK wi'oot us til stick on the end o' GB. Thus we are fully intitled fur til expect an' event or twa in 2012 an' it is time themuns in London were put til richts.

In order til rectify this ommission, Ah duly entered intil high level negotiations wi ma esteemed colleague, the Rev Dr McFetridge, Pastor o' First Portglenone Free Unitarian Non Subscribin' Methodist Presbyterian Church (Reformed). Fallyin' on frae these discussions the Rev Dr agreed til chair the Portglenone Cross Community Olympic Event Committee an' we established a small steering group til luk intil how til labby the Inglish.

After a wheen o' Plenary Sessions, Symposiums, Video Conferences an' bouts o' heavy drinkin' interspersed wi' violence, we hiv decided fur til make up yin o' them e-petitions that get sent roun' til ye the odd time. Frae whit we can work oot, if we get 100,000 folk til sign a demand that Portglenone gets an Olympic event, by law the request MUST be discussed in the House o' Cammons. This is clearly tae guid an appurtunity til miss. We hiv therefore sent the fallyin' up til the goverment an' await a response. When we get wurd back we'll let yis knae an' then ask yis all til seek oot an' sign it, an' hivin' done so, distribute it amung as many o' yer friens an' family as passible. 100,000 folk is a big thing til ask frae a wee country, but sure we cud rope in a few mainland folk til join in the crusade. Jays wudn't it be quare crack if we gat it.

Portglenone should get an Olympic Event in 2012, so it should.

We, the undersigned, being of sound mind, do hereby request, nay demand, that an event be held in Northern Ireland as part of the 2012 Olympiad.

We demand, nay request, that the Synchronised Swimming is held in the River Bann at Portglenone. An area of the Bann will be roped off for the competition preventing intrusion by anglers and/or perverts. Folk will be able to watch it from the marina, or up on the bridge, or the car park beside the Wild Duck.

There are two changing rooms in the community centre, wan for men and wan for women, and the hall could be turned into a media centre (no wi-fi, but folk could bring their dongle yokes). There is also a small, but clean, kitchen which provides tea making facilities.  We have a right mobile phone signal, several well stocked shops and a rake of B&Bs.

The town is no stranger to sporting events, having hosted an episode of the BBC's Towns Challenge a lock of years ago, albeit one where Portrush cheated their way to victory. 

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Down with this surt of thing Part 2, and Free State Elections

Down wi' this surt o' thing agin.

Edwin Poots has foun' hissel in wild bother again, this time o'er the heid o' Gay Folk an' their blood. Now Ah dinnae ken the full story, but it wud seem that there are some out there whit are mad for gettin' their hands on Gay Folk Blood, whilst Edwin thinks we shud let them keep it fur themselfs. Oddly this has come up fur in the England they have changed the rules to say that Fruits and the like can give blood, but oany if they havnae had sex in a year. This seems odd til me as it implies that oany ugly gay men who cannae git their end away can give blood, an guid lukkin' wans shudnae buther.

In a move which reflects the DUP's desire fur til make sure Northern Ireland is a fully signed up part o' the UK, Minister Poots has decided that we willnae fally suit, an' will continue til ban Gay blood fur "safety" reasons fur iver. Needless to say the Shinners and the UUP an' the like are gi'en aff about this, but Ah fur yin am backin' the Minister, as the sharin' o' Gay blood is likely fur til laid til the complete moral breakdown of oor society. Ah will demonstrate this logic fowerthwith.
  • If ye get give gay blood, ye are likely til become a wee bit gay. This is proven by scientific studies carried out in Larne which proved that when give a wee bit o' gay blood o'erwise nat Gay (normal) men started likin' candles an' goin' til the gym an' o'er Gay hobbies. 
  • If this trend continued there wud soon be a chronic cushion shortage across Northern Ireland, as previously straight men piled so many of them on their sofa that ye cudnae sit on it.
  • In turn this wud lead til inflation in the candles an' cushions market, causin' womenfolk til become disgruntled an' potentially waste their money on shoes instead. 
  • As a result o' this normal men who had nat been contaminated wi' Gay blood wud get cross wi' their wifes, fur they hardly noticed the candles an' cushions but now every time they opened the wardrobe shoes wud fall on them an' they'd fair notice thon. 
  • This wud lead til an increase in divorces, and possibly a United Ireland, which is why the Shinners are in favour of it. 

Free State Presidential Elections

Ah hid pretty much ignored this fur Ah hidnae heard o' any o' the candidates an' cudnae care less tae be annest, til suddenly the whole thing livened up the o'er day. Ah refer, o' coorse, til the decision o' Marty McGuinness til stan'. 

In a move which wud potentially see the Free State take two o' oor bigger arseholes aff our hands in the space o' a year, Marty is lukkin' til join his friend Gerry workin' o'er the border, passibly whilst still claimin' in the North. 

Themuns in the Free State have bin doin' a wild lot o' slaggin' o' Marty as a candidate, but he seems til me tae be richt an' well qualified fur the jab. Ma unnerstannin' o' the role o' Free State President is that the main' jabs are stickin' yer nose in up here an' bein' heid yin o' some armed forces, both things Marty has a fair bit o' experience off. 

That said Ah feel unable til affer him ma full support in his campaign, an' thus Ah considered stannin' messel til affer the Ulster Scots o' the Free State a viable alternative. Howiver Ah hiv decided til step aside an insteid throw ma weight behine a mair viable candidate, namely Sir Jackie Fullerton. Ye can provide yer ain backin' here

Thursday, 15 September 2011

"Luk at the shape o' us" say Orange Order Heid Yins.

From the BBC Larne Newsdesk.

In a move designed fur til make their organisation a more popular, modern and attractive organisation, Orange Order leaders have announced that they are going to make giant sized arses of themselves on an intermittent basis. A spokesman from the Institution's newly formed "Look at us, look at us, we are a bunch of ringpieces" department, outlined the proposals. 

  • Orangemen, particularly from the Sandy Row district, will replace the traditional bowler hat with a Victorian dunce cap. "The Dunce Cap was invented in Victorian times," said the LAULAUWAABOR spokesman, "And Queen Victoria was one of our greatest Queens. Thus we are showing our loyalty to the crown as well as our left field sense of humour."
  • Additionally members will be encouraged to write ""wanker", "kick me", "twat" and "I like boys" on post it notes and stick it to each other's backs when on parade. The spokesman claimed that this would reflect the order's religious background and interest in history, in some way or other. 
  • Prominent members, especially those in senior positions of the UUP, who stand near Catholics, look at them in any way, perhaps speak to one or buy something in a shop owned by one, will be ritually stoned to death at a new site near Ballymena. 
  • Members of the DUP who do likewise will be ignored. 
  • The traditional image of King Billy at the Boyne which bedecks so many banners will be replaced with a giant picture of a horse's arse. "It will be a protestant horse", said the spokesman, "and thus a protestant arse."
  • "It would not be a catholic arse, no chance of that." He continued when pressed on the matter. 
  • In future when complaints about members are made by one lodge or other, and it is the first item on the news, Orange Spokesmen will appear on that news item saying that the Institution's complaints procedure is a private matter which no one ever hears anything about because they are so good at being a secret organisation and never wash their dirty linen in public. It is to be hoped that the news folk will not point out that they are saying this on the news, for feck's sake, and that they are a bunch of tools. 
It is thought that further developments are likely. The Twelfth will move to April Fool's Day, Bands will be forced to play the theme tune to Fraggle Rock and a giant penis will be carried at the head of the procession by some old men dressed only in orange loin clothes. In making these changes the Order hopes that it will make Unionism, and the Unionist population generally, more respected around the world. 

Did you ever hear the like of it? Bunch of eejits. 

Sunday, 31 July 2011

Down with this surt of thing.

From the BBC Aist Ards Desk. 

Thousands turn up til celebrate Ballyhalbert's Big Jessie Pride Parade.

A fair clatter o' folk lined the streets of Ballyhalbert city centre for the annual Big Jessie Pride parade on Saturday.
Now in its 21st year, the Ballyhalbert parade is claimed til be the smallest o' its kind in Ireland an largely ignored in the UK.
Massive religious protests by nutters were held along the route but the organisers of the parade said it was good for Ballyhalbert.
They said they hid went til significant lengths to make it 'family friendly'. This means they got a rake o' bouncy castles in.
The parade kicked aff a number of events over the weekend includin' a massive drinkin' session on Sunday.

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Poitry Agin.

Ah hid occasion the day fur til raid "Oot an Aboot" the magazine o' the o'er Ulster Scots Agency. As heid yin o' the Real Ulster Scots Agency Ah rarely raid this brock, fur Ah hiv nae grant til put oot a magazine, insteid reliant on the powers o' the interweb til disperse ma cultural contributions. Ah clean near pished messel when a read a "poim" by some boy calt Wilson Burgess, dedicated til that icon o' Ulster Scots sport, Alex Higgins. Rarely in ma time as a Professor hiv Ah read such shite, writ like a wean fur a poitry campetition at wee school. It is 7 "verses" lang, sae Ah will oany copy a couple o' them oot fur yerselves.

Oor Alex, 
by Wilson Burgess.

"Frae the Jampot tae the Crucible
It made nae odds tae him
Oor Alex tuk on al' comers
An' he wid maistly win

In Seventy two in Birmingham
Hae tuk the place bae storm
Little did wae al' know then
That a Hurricane wiz born.

(etc fur fower mair verses, then his sad demise)

Whin ill health tuk its toll
Oor Alex: Fight hae didnae lack
Hae'll bae tellin' them in Heaven noo
Hae wiz snookered bae the Black."

Jaysus Ah thunk til messel, nat oany is this poim shite, it is nat even writ in prapur Ulster Scots. All this gaein "tae" places, nat "til", an' sayin' "hae" insteid o' "he" is jist made up. Mair til the point the boy is gettin' paid fur til write it, an', it saims, til gae roun' schools raidin' it oot til weans. This minded me o' ma ain' foul mouthed Bate Poitry that Ah writ a wee while ago. Aulder raiders micht mind it, but fur the rest o' yis here is a couple o' them.

Lurchin tractor bastards
Blackin' the road
Haulin' tubes o' shite
In rush oor

Spade the feck up
oor pull over
Yis bastards.

Road Kill

Windaes rolled doon
The wireless blarin'
Parked up at the heid o' the toon
Lukkin' fur cuddies

Bullet heid lurkin'
Belaw the wheel o' the motor
Saits back, eyes deid
Wee feckers

Think they're in Ibiza
But they're nat,
It's Rathfriland
An' its pishin.

Tae which Ah add ma ain tribute til Alex Higgins. 

Oor Alex
by Professor Billy McWilliams.

Feg smokin' 
Drink takin'
Hat wearin'
Fast walkin'
Camp talkin'
Taylor threatenin'
Cantankerous Auld Bastard

Yer deid noo, so ye are.
Which is a wile shame
fur snooker is brock wi' oot ye. 

Ah am sure ye wud agree ma poims hiv their ain distinctive style an' are wurthy o' further dissemination. Thus Ah hiv capied them intil an escreed an' sent them til the o'er Ulster Scots Agency. We shall see if Ah tae can get a grant fur til write shite an' gae roun' schools borin' the arse aff weans. 

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Phone Hacking - MLAs to quiz McWilliams.

Frae the BBC Aughnacloy Newsdesk.

Heid Yin of 1690 an all thon, Professor Billy McWilliams, and his assistant Dr Wullie McIlveen will be quizzed by Stormount MLAs later on about a phone hacking scandal.

The pair are expected to be questioned about what they knew about the phone hacking at 1690 an all thon, a website that publishes Ulster Scots related pish. It is the first time that Professor McWilliams has appeared before MLAs although he did once bare his arse near Edwin Poots and was lifted about something involving wikilaiks a while back, though what it was we can't remember.

It is understood that a variety of allegations have been made about the top Academics.

  • That they hacked into Lovely Lesley Macaulay's mobile phone, deleting messages and leaving new ones that were wild rude. 
  • In addition they hacked the phones of between 12 and 8000 top Ulster celebrities including the Big Lord Laird of Artigarvin, Rose Neill aff the news, Cecilia Daly and yer man Keith Burnside that used to do the Police 6 thing years ago on the UTV.
  • That a laptap containing durty pictures was found in a bin near Dr McIlveen's house. He says he threw it out after a particularly heavy Buckfast session and that any durty pictures on it were put there by Professor McWilliams.
  • That McWilliams has been getting photies of Ulster celebrities and the like, such as the one used to illustrate this article, and doctoring them using crap software he found on the internet, as well as making crude amateurish versions of party political broadcasts.
  • That they have made up a language for the sole purpose of getting grants.
  • That McWilliams has wasted the time of civil servants and business folk by sending in spurious applications to try to get small Ulster villages declared UK city of culture, the World Cup at Chimney Corner, Ian Paisley on Radio 2's Thought for the Day, gigantic bottles of Buckfast erected in Larne and Google to provide an Ulster Scots translation service.
  • That McWilliams is in fact not an academic, has been making up historical things, and that McIlveen is a figment of his imagination.
The handsome and dashing Professor McWilliams vehemently denies the allegations and has refused to close down the his so called website. Speaking near a field he stated "Ah vehemently deny these allegerations, an' refuse fur til close doon ma so calt website."

Saturday, 16 July 2011

Ulster Scots Olympiad

As yis will be aware, fur they niver gie o'er aboot it, the Inglis hiv the Olympic Games next year. Ah hiv til admit Ah missed a trick on thy'on, fur Ah shud hiv stuck in a bid messel. It wud hiv done the Ards economy nae end o' guid til hiv folk runnin fast round Kirkistown race track.

It has alsae nat escaped ma attention thit despite the fact it is the Great Britain an' NORN IRON Olympic team, none o' the events are bein' helt here, meanin' thit yer average Ulster Scot will hiv til travel til that Ingland til luk at Tie Quan Doh or whitiver. This Ah hope fur til rectify by puttin' taegither an Olympiad fur the Ulster Scot, featurin' all the tap sports o' the Hamely Folk. In turn it will provide a welcome boost til the tourism industry, fur Ah will invite teams frae the Ulster Scots diaspora til take part, makin' it a truly international event.

The Ulster team will wear the ootfit designed by Daveboy durin' oor high level discussions in the hoke oot thing on the side o' this page. Men will therefore wear dealer boots, an aff-white vest, janes wi' a wile baggy arse, a body-warmer an a sash. Weemen will wear the same but wi' flouncy dresses til below the knee an' American Tan Tights insteid o' janes. A flaming petrol bomb will be carried across Ulster afore being hurled intil an oil drum on tap o' a fleg pole til launch the event, tae the accompaniment o' a rake o' Lambegs. Fallyin' this openin' ceremony we will be trated til an extravagent display o' sportin' prowess, wi' venues across the pravince playin' host til a wide variety of sports.

Yin: Dippin'.

Whereas foreign surts swim, Ulster Scots prefer til gae fur a Dip. This consists o' wadin' oot o'er the seaweedy bits o' Portrush or Ballywalter strand, an then walkin' slowly aboot whilst shiverin'. Dippin' will be helt o'er a variety o distances an depths, wi' an elite category calt the dingy tow, where ye wade aboot wi a load o' cold weans in a rubber boat behine ye.

Twa: The Bouncy Castle.

The Bouncy Castle is now an intrinsic part o' Ulster Scots culture. If ye are havin' a march, contentious or o'erwise, addin' a bouncy castle turns it intil a family fun day, thus eligible fur grant funnin'. Participants will bounce aboot in it, wi' marks giv fur nat fallin' aff or bangin yer heid aff ano'er competitor. Again an' elite category o' Pished Bouncy Castle will be included fur the expert.

Thrie: Hokin'

Helt in a big barn outside Ballynabragget, competitors will be give a series o' things til hoke fur in bran tubs. Fastest hoker wins obviously, but there will the appertunity to gain points by stylish hokin'. Incidentally Ah hid occasion til drive through Ballynabragget the o'er day an Ah saw a man that lukked wile like Melvyn Bragg aff the TV. Ah didnae take a photy though, fur thy'on wud hiv bin rude.

Fower: Gettin Red Up.

This will fally the hokin, as the latter is likely til lave a wile mess. Thus ladies will be required til get the place red up wile quick.

Five: Sangwich Makin'

Another Ladies only event. Weemen will make a variety o' sangwiches wile fast fur menfolk til ate in a tea tent after a parade. The sangwich varieties will be limited til Ulster Scots staples - Egg an' Onion, Ham, Cheese an' Ham, must be cut into triangles (fur that is pash) an' placed on yin o' them wee skinny trays that ladies have for such a purpose.

Sax: The Nat Madurn Pentathalon

As alsae discussed wi' Daveboy, this will combine tap Ulster Scots Activities intil a single sport. Participants will be expected til master haulin' yokes, lashin' stanes, diggin' sheughs, atin' sodas an' drinkin tay. This event will take place in a big mucky field ootside Dromara when it is clean pishin'.

Seven: Speed Danderin'

Much the same as the o'er folk Olympics "Speed Walkin'" only slower, wi' staps fur a natter wi' o'er competitors an' til luk o'er gates at sheep.

Ate: Barneyin'

This will replace baxin', an will involve havin' a quare barney wi' yer opponent whilst wearin' protective headgear. Winners will be decided by an expert judgin' panel or by a knackoot. an weight divisions will range Bantyweight through til Heiferweight.

Nine: Rakin'

Motor sports are generally excluded frae the Olympics, but nat the Ulster Scots yins. As well as Motorcycle road racin' roun' Tandragee, Kirkistown Race Track will play host til a rakin' competition. Young cubs wi' their sates tae far back in their motors will rake round the track at a quare lick, while playin' loud shite music. They will then drive til a petrol station an' talk til eacho'er through open windaes, before bein' taul aff by the RUC/PSNI fur havin' illegal nummerplates.

Ten: Pole Dancin' 

Nat really a sport, but then again neither is syncronised swimmin or beach vally ball an' Ah fancy judgin' it.

O'er matters. 

The pole bust on the last post, sorry about that, but it luks like Shite Ship is goantae win, barrin' a late surge frae Christine Bleakley, coincidentally somethin' Ah think on aften.

Saturday, 9 July 2011

Gigantic Statue thing competition.

Ah was perusin' the news frae Scotland the o'er day an' come across a wee article describin' how they are fur gettin a gigantic statue type thing in Gretna til welcome folk o'er the border. Now in the England they hiv thon Angel o' the Nairth, an' they are chattin' aboot gettin a giant horse somewhere doon in the south. Maintimes we hiv feck all, an' Ah reckon this shud be rectified. Thus Ah hiv put ma heid taegither an' come up we some quintissentially Ulster Things which cud be stuck at papular arrival spats aroun' Norn Iron. Ah hivnae decided which yin Ah shud putt in fur a grant fur, an hape that yousuns will vote in the pole fur til help me wurk it oot.

Sculpture Yin:
Larne - The Buckfast o' The Nairth. 
Folk arrivin' will be greeted wi' a giant battle o' oor national drink wi' the added attraction o' stairs up inside it so ye can throw empty yins aff the tap at various bastards below.

Sculpture Twa:
Belfast - Big Bleakley

A statue o' oor finest export, atap the City Hall. Tourists will alsae be able til luk up her skirt frae unnerneath. At laist thy'on is whit Ah wud dae.

Sculpture Three:
Newry - Virgin Veda.

If yer on yer way in frae the Free State, perhaps havin' gat lost an ended up there accidentally there wud be nathin' better til greet ye than an unsullied giant loaf o' oor national bread.

Sculpture Four:
Belfast alternate - Shite Ship

Belfast folk are uncannily proud o' havin' built a big shite ship, so we shud mark this by stickin' it in the middle o' the Lough in a manner which best marks whit it is famous fur. 

Sculpture Five:
DerryLondonDerryLondon - Bright Lights, Shite City.

A tribute til oor second city's favourite pastime, wi' the added benefit o' gettin' rid o' thy'on "Hands across the Divide" brock which a child cud hiv come up wi'. The flaming tap will alsae be handy fur finin' yer way back til the Waterside shud ye get stuck amung the o'er surt after dark. 

Anyhow thon is yer lat, get votin' an' Ah'll start til fill in the farms fur DCAL.

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Whilst perusin' the Newsletter, official newspaper o' the Ulster Scots community, the o'er day ma eye wis drew til the personal ad section. It saims thit there is a fair rake o' folk out there lukkin' fur love, but forced til rely on silly wee adverts extollin' their GSOH an' the like. This appears til me tae be a fairly unscientific way o' findin' a cuddy, sure whit can ye learn about someone frae a wee ad like thy'on. Ah, fur example, wud hiv til putt "Tap Academic, (P), aged 20 - 60, likes lyin' aroun' in his pants drinkin' chape beer. Seeks aisily plaised cuddy (P) til make his tay an' the like. Must hiv ain hair an' cheese grater fur the yin Ah hiv is frae pounland an' bends in the middle durin' the act o' gratin."

Noo obviously Ah am sorted fur Ah hiv ma Lovely Lesley, but o'erwise an interested cuddy wudnae hiv learnt tae much aboot messel frae the above description. In turn Ah hiv bin unable tae fully express the wide an' varied things Ah require frae herself. Like whither she kens how til prapurly cuk a soda an' willnae accidentally buy alcohol free beer frae fur her mawn's carry out. Thus Ah hiv decided fur til set up ma ain interweb datin' service fur the Ulster Scots community, cuttin' out the naid fur all that (P) and (RC) business an' ensurin' that if a cuddy latches ontil ye she'll knae how tae use the hamely tongue. In the absence o' any computational programmin' ability ye can complete the questionair below an' email it til messel. Ah will dae some complex sums an' try fur til set ye up wi' yer ideal love match.

Questionair thing.

Aboot You

Are ye: a) a cuddy b) a man
Religion: a) Presbyternian.b) nat Presbyternian but still a Pratestant.c) The o'er surt
Age:a) 18 - 25.b) 25 - 75.c) 75 or o'er
Height: a) Unner 5 fut. b) O'er 5 fut. c) nat sure
Weight:a) Skinny b) Middlin' c) Fat heifer.
Hair: a) Aye. b) Nay

Whit are ye lukkin fur?

Sax: a) a cuddy. b) a man. c) dinsae matter. d) Aye.
Religion: a) Presbyternian. b) nat Presbyternian but still a Pratestant. c) The o'er surt*
Age: a) 18 - 25. b) 25 - 75. c) 75 or o'er
Height: a) Unner 5 fut. b) O'er 5 fut. c) nat sure
Weight: a) Skinny: b) Middlin'. c) Fat heifer.
Hair: a) Aye. b) Nay

* if o'er surt selected plaise insure thit ye are the same surt as the o'er surt ye are lukkin fur. 

Likes an' Dislikes
Give aich o' the fallyin' things a score oot o' ten, wi' wan bein' nat likin' the thing, an' ten bein' likin' the thing a wile lat. Oor computer will match ye til some folk wi' similar intrests.

Tractors _____ Yokes______ Marchin' ______ Pokes ______
Wullie Drennan _______Drinkin' heavily ______ The O'er Surt ________ Church _____
Hokin' _______The Rev Dactur the Big Laird Paisley o' Bannside _______ Wee Ian Paisley _______
Catriona Ruin ______ Lambegs ______ The Newsletter ______ The Irish News ______
Coos _________ Dugs ________ Yos ________ Pussies ______
Motors _______ Unusually shaped stains ________  Unusally shaped Stanes _____Sodas ________
Cheese _______Motor Cycle Road Racin' ________ Rose Neill aff the news _______ Shars ________
American Tan Tights _______ Lukkin' in fields at things whilst yer car is wile badly parked ______ Scratchin' _______ Protestin' at things ______ leanin' on walls ________ Skitterin' ______
Baths _______Y Fronts ______ Muck _______ Slight hills ________
stape hills _______ fegs _______Champ _______ Brock  ________
Sausage Rolls _______ Sayin' "fur til" ________ Dancin' ______Radio Ulster _______
TnaG ______ The Twelfth _____ The Thirteenth ______ Portrush _____
Ibiza _____ Pontificatin' _____ Red Diesel ______ Flatulence ______

Furrer Infurmation.

Havin' complated the abuve ye are invited fur til write up til yin hunner wurds aboot yerself. Plaise include bank details an' a photy o' yersel if yer a cuddy. In the maintime Ah am alsae lukkin' intil a Gentlemawn's special interest site o' big gurls frae Ballynabragget.

Friday, 24 June 2011

Incontinental Airlines

As tends til happen frae time til time Ah hivnae writ tae much o' late, but this is oany because nat tae much has been happenin' roun' an' aboot. There his bin the annual "Aist Belfast Crass Community Field Sports" (sponsored by Buckfast Tanic Wine) an' somethin' aboot schools, but Ah dinnae pay paid much heid til such regular shenanigans. Insteid ma eye was drew by a wee video posted by yin o' ma mair metrapalitan, an' indaid metrasexual, facebuk chums. This purported til be a "Welcome til Belfast" thing shewed til folk arrivin' frae the America on the Incontinental Airlines, but lukkin' at it Ah immedietly twigged that it was missin' oot oan some o' the mair idiosyncratic qualities o' oor wee land. Hence Ah gat oantil themuns in the America, an hiv bin commissioned fur til rewurk the fillum, an' am rasionably proud fur til present it til yis here.

Incidentally if any o' yis ken o' any video saftware o'er than Windows Movie Maker thit Ah can download fur nathin' let me ken, fur it is really startin til pish me aff.

Saturday, 11 June 2011

Tis the Saison til go Marchin'.....

Fa la la la la la, la la la la.

It wud saim we are fast approachin' the holiest time in the Ulster Scots religious calendar, the sacred saison which is the Marchin' yin. This fact wus brung hame tae me when the big fella in wurk forewent odd lukkin' kebab things an' announced he was on a diet fur til fit intil his suit fur the Twelfth. On further examination he revailed thit this suit wus reserved fur marchin, Masonic maitins an coort appearances, wi' attendance at the latter shortened by regular appearances at the farmer. At the moment we are in whit Ah like til term the "Advent period" o' the marchin' saison. Mini-Twelfths, which dinnae happen on any kine o' Twelfth whitsoever, an' road shuttin band parades predominate in anticipation o' the big events when we commemorate the Guid Laird sendin' us King Billy an' Governor Walker fur til save us frae hell, damnation, Popery an' RTE.

As such it a time o' reflection fur the committed Ulster Scot, a time fur takin' stock o' things an lukkin til the future, an Ah am nae acception. Ah hiv thus bin considerin' the marked decline in March Attendance in these secular times, whit wi' yung folk bein' mair interested in their X-Baxes an' Aye Pods than a guid walk in a contentious area. The Order hiv gone til some lengths til transform the whole extravaganza intil whit they now term "Orangefest", but in daein' sae they hiv merely pished aroun' the edges, never quite hittin' the middle o' the boul. Thus we hiv Lord Laird oan a big boat wi' a Lambeg, a wheen o' bouncy castles in a field, better toilet facilities an' hens in wee kilts daein' Scottish dancin'. Whilst Ah am all for wee cuddies swirlin' their legs aboot, Ah fur yin feel that this is all a bit like a pastor bringin' a gitar til church an' singin a rack version o' "Whit a Fren' we hiv in Jaysus." Slightly embarrassin' fur all concerned, aside frae Lord Laird wha' saims unembarrassable by anythin'. Therefore Ah tuk the liberty o' establishin' a thinkin tank fur til come up wi' better ways o' improvin' the Twelfth, an' Ah present the findins below.......

The Findins o' the March Thinkin Tank thing established by me.

A) Mair Contentious Marches - "There is nae such thing as bad publicity" said Oscar Wilde yin time, afore he gat hissel in wile buther o'er the heid o' bad publicity Ah assume, an the Marchin Saison lacks thon je nay say qua at the moment. The heidy days o' Drumcree are lang syne past, an oor youth are gettin saft. There is nathin' mair healthy fur a yung man than blackin' the odd road, it combines ootdoor activity wi' social interaction in a way that facebuk an' the Nintendo Wee cannae. Ah am quite sure the o'er surt wud be happy til be offended fur a bit as they wud get all the guid publicity laidin' til a win-win situation all round. In fak, if we thunk hard enough we cud prabably get a crass community grant fur it all.

B) A celebrity element - The Orange Order requires celebrity endorsements, somethin' which cud be achieved through the addition o' some kine o' reality TV type thing. Kinga frae Big Brother, H from Steps, Lembit Optic an' Lulu cud all be invited til live in Portydown fur a lock o' weeks tryin' til learn how til play the Lambeg. Simon Caul an' Sir Lord Alan Sugar cud judge them an' the winnin' team wud get til set light til a Bonefire an laid the parade on the big day.

C) A new dress code - suits an' bowler hats are nat a very fashionable luk, an' gie the wurld's media the appertunity to portray the Ulster Scot as a stern, dull individual. This cud be circumvented by introducin' fancy dress fur the parades. Orangemen dressed as sexy nuns, Fat Elvis an' characters frae Star Wars wud enliven proceedins an' lessen allegations o' sectarianism. Til a certain extent this has already been adapted in Tyrone were everyone dresses up as a farmer, an' by the Blood an Thunder bands who all dress up as Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club.

D)  Pole dancers insteid o' speeches aff the back o' a lorry - only auld folk listen anyway an' it wud quare an' liven up the field.

E) .Better Music - It is a little knain fact that the Ulster Scot invented rack an' roll, somethin' Ah shall prove at some point or o'er, but fur tae lang there has bin a focus on what can be loosely be termed "Orange" music, ignorin' the music o' thon o'er Loyal Order - the Black. Ah am taul that yung folk are mair intil "Music o' Black Origin", sae the Risin' Sons o' William an all shud learn tunes by thon Jay Zed, 50 Pence an' Big Diddy.

Ah hiv thus sent ma suggestions til the Grand Lodge an' hope fur til see them adapted in time fur the 2012 demonstrations. Ah will let yis ken if they get back til me.

Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Ulster Scots Histry o' Ireland - Bit 14.

John Knax wi' beard an' wee buik.
Fallyin' the plethora o' activity that is the election saison, Ah hiv noted the arrival o' a wile lock o' new raiders on this wabsite, directed here frae by high falutin' cammentaturs an' similar. Whilst welcomin' such folk, this is a worryin' development as theseuns might think that this is some kine o' palitical thing, rather than a cultural hub fur the Ulster Scots academic community. Thus Ah hiv decided fur til return til the roots o' the hole thingymajig, an' move ontil Bit 14 o' ma convaluted histry o' the Ulster Scots folk.

Whit wi' it bein' o'er a year since the last Bit aboot the Angle Normans, an whit wi' me knaein' feck all aboot the intervenin' period, Ah hiv decided fur til skip til the maist important event in the histry o' the wurld, the invention o' the Pratestant.

Now manies a time when Ah hiv bin debatin' histry, religion an' the like, some folk, mainly the o'er surt but sometimes themuns whit are nae surt at all, accuse messel an' ma coreligionists o' bein' Pratestants purely because Henry VIII was a dirty auld fat get who wanted til get rid o' his wife fur a new cuddy.  Whilst there may be some truth in this argument in relation til the Anglican Church o' Ireland, an' we all ken there is oany a paper wall between themuns an' the o'er surt, it bares nae import oan the yin true faith o' Presbyternianism, Free or o'erwise. This true farm o' Pratestant came aboot unner the Refarmation.

Whit was the Refarmation?

As the word "refarmed" wud suggest, the Refarmation involved the farmin' o'er again o' somethin' that had already bin farmed afore, namely Presbyternianism. Frae ma lengthy studies oan the matter, includin' a short stint as Professor o' Religious Things at Annahilt Sunday School, Ah hiv larnt thit the o'er surt hid taken the pure Christian faith an' added stuff ontil it. Stuff like the Pope, purgatry, nat atin' mate o' a Friday, Blood Transfusions an' sayin' haitch instead o' aitch. They were clean gettin' away wi' it fur they made the Bible intil Latin an' kept the ordinary folk unnerinformed on matters, til a German Pastor called Martin Luther King Sr suddenly wised up an' decided fur til rectify matters. Thus in 1517 he writ a big thing an' started the whole Refarmation when he nailed his Testes to a church door in Wittenburg.

Whit the Pope did. 

The Pope wasnae tae pleased about the Testes incident, an' summoned Luther King Sr til a big meetin' where he tried fur til make him eat Worms. He refused, an' thus invented pratestin'. Prior tae this naebody had ever pratested aboot anythin', mainly just gettin' a wee bit pished aff an' the like, an' sae we get the term Pratestant. Ah amnae tae sure whit happened next, fur it gets wile complicated, but it saims thit a wile lock o' important German folk agreed with Luther King. Afore he knew it, half the country was pratestin', he'd translated the Bible intil German, had accidentally gat married an' the Pope was rippin'. This in turn led til the Counter Refarmation, which Ah cannae even be arsed til think aboot whilst sober.

Mair Pratestants. 

Havin' conquered Germany, Pratestantism soon began til spread across Europe, finally makin' it til Scotland in about 15 somethin'. Here it was spearheaded by John Knax, a man wi' a maist impressive beard who got intil a wile lat o' bo'er wi' the Catholic Regent o' the time, Mary o' Geese. He was forced by her til flee til England, an' then til Switzerland by their Queen Mary I. There he writ the famous "First Blast o' the Trumpet agin' the Monsterous Regimen o' Weemin", an early wurk in Ulster Scots that said that naebudy who had diddies shud be in charge o' countries, especially if they were calt Mary. This pished aff the new Mary Queen o' Scots, but on his return til Scotland he managed fur til get rid o' her an' a prapur man was put in charge, namely James VI. Although James was calt James, an inherently bad name fur a king (ref James II, who came after him even though he has a lower nummer) he was alsae a Pratestant, so all was well in Scotland.


In England Mary I had died, thank feck, fur as well as bein' a notorious vodka drinker she had a wile habit o' burnin' Pratesants. She hid nae weans sae her sister Elizabeth was made Queen. She was pished aff wi' all the tooin' an' froin' o' religions fur half the time naebudy in England knew whit surt they were, somethin' that is still the case taeday. Elizabeth therefore decided til compromise betwain surts an' invented the Church o' England. Knax was havin' nain o' this, sae he invented the Church o' Scotland. Fur the uninebriated Ah shall detail the differences betwain the twa below.

Church o' England.

  • Is Anglican
  • Is wishy washy
  • Has a paper wall betwain it an' the o'er surt
  • Disnae believe in Predestination
  • Has Bishops
  • Disnae mind saints an' stain glass.
  • Has weemen who are good at makin' cakes an' sangwiches.
Church o' Scotland
  • Is Presbyternian
  • Isnae wishy washy
  • Has a brick wall wi' a murial o' King Billy on it betwain it an the o'er surt. 
  • Believes in Predestination
  • Disnae hiv Bishops
  • Thinks ye can stick saints an' the like up yer arse. 
  • Has weemen who are guid at makin' traybakes an' soda farls. 
Thus by 1600 all religious conflict in England an' Scotland was o'er, fur everybudy had agreed fur tae be a Pratestant o' one surt or the o'er. Ah hape that ma' writins hiv made the hole thing a bit clearer fur the lat o' yis fur now the stage is set fur the second maist important event in wurld histry, the Plantation o' Ulster. 

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

A very short one: McWilliams denies being dirty auld git..

From the BBC North Antrim an' Larne Newsdesk.

"A tap Ulster Scots academic named on Twitter as havin' an injunction thing o'er the heid o' supposedly shaggin' some reality TV cuddy has been named in Stormount as Professor Billy McWilliams. The academic was named unner a rule that lets MLAs an' the like say whitiver they want in Stormount, even if it is a feed o' shite. 

Spakin' through his letter bax at his spacious hame near Lenaderg, Professor McWilliams denied the allegations. "Ah dinnae even listen til thon Big Bro'er brock on the wireless" he claimed, "Ah alsae dinnae ken whit a super injunction is, is it some kine o' cacktail?" Pressed further on the matter, he made the followin' admission. "Tae be fair, Ah've seen the wee cuddy in the paper an' she's a quare wee yoke, so she is. Ah might, ye ken, if she asked nicely."

The super injunction was issued in the high coort after upwards o' three folk on Twitter named Professor McWilliams as being the academic at the centre o' the allegations. Professor McWilliams claims he "Knaes where they live an' will have them shat."

Professor McWilliams made o'er 600 appearances for Manchester United on FIFA 95 for the old Playstation 1, makin' him one o' the teams most decorative players."

Twitter is a social nat wurkin' thing that allows paliticians an' the like til annoy ye even when they arnae at a computer."

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Royal Visits til the Free State: A Retrospective.

As oor Queen visits the cloudier part o' this island for a lock o' days, Ah thunk it might be interestin' fur til take a luk at previous royal visits til Ireland. Many o' the papers hiv mentioned Queen Victoria an' King George comin' o'er, but Ah hiv decided til luk at three mair ancient visits. In daein' sae Ah hope fur til putt an end once an' fur all til the difficulties between oor twa nations, bringin' peace an' harmony til us all.

King Henry II, 1171.

As we seen in Bit 13 o' ma histry o' the Ulster Scots in this land, Henry II was nat a prapur royal king bein', as he was, both a French foreign an' the o'er surt. These basic facts shud make themuns sit up an' take notice, fur it was their surt that started it, nat oors. Unner the orders o' the Pope, Henry sent an army o'er in 1169 til subjectgate the Irish folk an' make them intil the o'er surt, but didnae visit hissel til 1171. At this point he papped o'er so that the Irish chiefs cud pay homage til him. Ah amnae tae sure whit homage is, tae be fair, but as a result o' it bein' paid, Henry was duly crowned "Lord o' Ireland".

King John I. 1185 an' 1210.

King Henry thunk it wud be a good idea fur til make his son John Lord o' Ireland insteid, fur til gie him a wee bit o' responsibility. A bit like gittin' yer wain' til cut the grass an' throwin' him a wheen o' poun' fur his money bax. Wee John came o'er til luk at his new lands in 1185, but made a bit o' an arse o' hissel. Apparently he was shacked til see that Irish kings had big long "ZZ Tap" style beards an' proceeded til grab them an' laid them aboot like wee pups. The Irish kings werenae tae plaised aboot this, and John went hame in bad form. Howiver he rectified this mistake in 1210 when he came o'er wi' a rake o' knights an' the like an' kicked the shite clean out o' a lock o' Angle Normans whit were causin' a bit o' bother. This included the first royal visit til Ulster, when he called at Carrickfergus castle an' flung racks at it. The Irish chiefs seem fur til have liked this, fur they all joined in throwin' racks, an' hivnae really stapped since.

King James I an' King Billy.1689 - 1690

Betwain' 1689 an' 1690 Ireland was fortunate enough til have nat one but twa Royal visitors, who made extensive toors durin' their stays. King James arrived first an' fannied about afore decidin' til visit Londonderry. Here the populace taul him til get til feck an' fired stuff at him. In response James surrounded the town wi' French folk an' the Derry Wans celebrated by atin' rats an' firin' stuff at the French til some boats arrived.
Meanwhile the o'er King o' England, King Billy, alsae travelled til Ireland, visitin' Carrickfergus an' tyin' his horse til a tree in every village betwain there an' Dublin. On July 1st the twa kings met up at the Boyne where King Billy knacked James' pan in, despite the Pope bein' there an' everythin'. The date o' the battle was later moved til the Twelfth fur til fit in wi' the rest o' the marchin saison. Incidentally historians now believe there is nae truth in the children's rhyme aboot King Billy havin' a ten fut willy, as the chances o' him showin' it til the woman next door, with her mistakin it fur a snake an' hittin' it wi' a rake, are slim.

Thus oor Queen's visit til themuns is but yin in a lang line o' visits. It is til be hoped that she disnae pull any beards, fling racks at anythin', surround any towns wi' French folk, fight wi' her in-laws or change the religion o' the people. An indaid that Prince Philip disnae show his willy til the woman next door.

Friday, 13 May 2011

Balmoral an' all Agin

Due til technical issues at thon Google, this post disappeared. Cannae mind whit Ah said now, somethin' about this post bein frae last year fur nathin' changes anyhow. An' thit someone hid requested it in Hoke Oot, now thit Ah remember.

Monday, 9 May 2011

Election 2011 agin'. Whit we hiv larnt frae it. The election Ah main.

And sae the annual ritual o' the big countin' up is o'er, an' it is time fur palitical pundits like messel til take stock. Ah hiv examined the results in a depth, an' present til yis the fallyin' conclusins which Ah hiv drew frae the results, an' the like.

The UUP are fecked:

They hiv nat so much fallen betwain' twa stools as walked in a pair o' them an' then tread them all o'er the carpet. On the yin hawn, ye hiv lovely Basil wi' his hair an' his wee friends, scootin' aroun' the metrapolis like a wee smart car wi' jazz oan the Aye Pod. On the o'er ye hiv Tam settin' the muck spreader til full blast oan the back o' his Massey, an' slippin' "The Best of Corbet Accordian Band" intil his 8 track. Ye cannae be the TUV, DUP, Alliance an' Conservatives all at the same time, Ah think, in fact it is a miracle anybudy votes fur yis at all.

The SDLP are slightly less fecked but still fecked:

Bewliderinly they still haul on til Derry, though they gat aroun' the issue o' nat hivin a big name like Mark Durkin by fieldin' a candidate calt Mark Durkin. Howiver, much as Ah like her, wee Margaret gets madder an' madder by the day. Ah am now sae distracted by her han' movements that Ah've furgat whit she said before she finished sayin' it. They alsae hiv nae foxy candidates.

The Alliance are very, very smug:

But still hiv as much chance o' gettin' a sait west o' the Bann as Ah hiv o' bein' the next Pope.

The Green Party are alsae very very smug:

But, tae be fair,  ye gat yin sait in the land o' the smug, an' 0.9% o' the vote nationally. Ye can stick yer bicycle powered wind farms up yer overly fibred arses. An' get yer hair cut while yer at it.

Paliticians shud nat confuse facebuk wi' the real wurld.

Wee Dawn is oot, an' the whole social medium wurld loved her. Unfortunately hivin' 2.3 million friends oan FB does nat equate til a similar nummer o' votes in the election. Ah shud knae, Ah hiv 6 hunner odd friends, Ah hiv oany met aboot 6 o' them, an' Ah dinnae even like themuns.*

The Dupers an' the Shinners hiv it sewed up fur the foreseeable future:

Peter his rid the storm, much as Iris did, and the Shinners hiv weathered the great intellectual loss thit was Gerry emigratin' til the Free State. It is startin' til feel thit votin' fur them is the default option o' the Ulster people. Feck up the watter crisis? Tap the pole. Make an arse o' the finances? Tap the pole. Pretend that God made the Giant Causeway? Tap the pole.

Jiummy Spratt is an arse.


The folk o' Aist Londonderry are Blind an' Stupid.


*Ah dae like yis really.

Friday, 6 May 2011

Election 2011 - Live.

Unrivaled Election Coverage™ frae oor Ulster Scots media centre, near Lenaderg.

16.13: Have bin til the shaps. Stella is on affer in Tesco, so Ah might be rubbered later on. Yis hiv bin warned.

16.15: Brakin' News - BBC say Feck all likely til happen fur a while, so Ah micht clean the bathroom. Small farmer type man in West Tyrone reckons thit the DUPers will get twa saits.

16.25: Donna Traynor lukkin' hat in a wee blue number. She is talkin' til two glypes oan laptaps, Ah cud hiv done thon fur them.

16.30: Thon wee cuddy in the Belfast count is a bit o' a fax. Naebudy is countin' anythin'.

16.45: Very, very bored. Tam Elliot says "done" when he shud hiv said "did". Even wee Billy has mastered thon. Have made a swingameter, nat sure how til make it wurk yit, Ah'll see later on.

16.50: Yvette Shapiro interviews Ian Paisley Jr. Beauty an' the Baste.

17.00: Brakin' News - Lovely Lesley on the BBC....... Jays Ah hape she gets in, Ah fancy bein' a kept man. Now Sammy is on, lukkin' a bit red in the face, surprisinly

17.30: Decided fur til hiv somethin' til ate. Nearly 6 o'clack, micht hiv a wee beer then. Wee Margaret is on now, she becomes mair like a Thunderbird puppet by the day.

17.56. Bored beyon' belief now, micht watch the Simpsons for a bit.

18.43: Beer two. Nae results in, if Ah was on TV now Ah'd interview a fat palitician about how there are nae results in. Swingameter is rusted up.

19.00: The normally erect swingameter has goan limp. Rugby on the red button.

19.03: Brakin News: Someone has bin elected whilst Ah was tryin' til get the Rugby on.

19.05. Conor Murphy taps the pole in Newry an' Armagh, despite bein' unable til fix a burst pipe. Danny Kennedy reaps the benefit o' ma endorsement earlier in the week, an' some o'er boy alsae gets in.

19.15: Davy Vance gets feck all votes in Upper Bann. A sad day fur yin o' Ulster palitics true gentlemen.

19.20: Rugby workin' now on the Red Button. Ulster 8 nathin up.

19.34: Eamonn McCann on BBC, he really is a very odd man.

19.37: Jimmy Spratt could ate nathin' but fat, he might hiv ate his wife. He is oan by the way, an' Ah hate him

19.50: Aist Londonderry - not lukkin guid for ma Lesley. She is still a winner in ma eyes. Sigh.

20.00: Gregory Campbell an' Noel Thompson are goantae come til blows.

20.05: Basil's hair and Edwin's ears are returned in Leggen Valley.

20.18: 5.8% of the folk in South Down voted UKIP. Mentalists. Ah had furgat how strong Stella is by the way. Might need a lie doon in a wee bit.

20.20: Wee.... Margaret...... Ritchie (gesticulates) has.... been...... returned...... (makes point using hands)

20.32: Brakin News: They cannae count in Foyle an' Londonderry. Ah blame Martina Anderson. Fur most things.

20.40: Arlene is rippin' about the election takin' ages. It micht be quicker if themuns in Fermanagh didn't try an' fiddle it all the time. Anyway, the oany folk who are cross are folk aff the news. Incidentally someone just phoned me lukkin for Colin, if yer name is Colin, let me know an' Ah'll send ye the number.

20.47: If the UUP don't sort themselves out Ah'll hiv til stan messel.

20.53: Jeffrey Donaldson has a remarkably small mouth. He must purse his lips a lot whilst perusing the fillums oan hotel televisions.

20.56: Coverage suspended, Million Poun Drap is oan Four.

22.20: Brakin News: My Lesley is out - Shame on yis Aist Londonderry, Shame on yis. Yiv gat Gregory Campbell, Ah hope yis are plaised wi' yersels. Ah hid bin savin' this picture fur wee Sammy gettin' elected, but this is whit Ah think o' yis. Bunch o' ring pipes, the lat o' yis.

22.21: Conveniently ma picture o' a horses arse allows me til tell ye thit Mervyn Storey his bin elected.

22.43: And still there for Peter Robinson. Jaysus Ah am rippin about ma Lesley.

23.01: Pat Doherty is in, so he is oan his way back til Donegal in his motor, an' so is Marty. God this is depressin'. AND Sammy Wilson.....

23.15: We are now intil the fightin' wi' eacho'er bit o' the election coverage. Everybudy has furgat how til count, tables are collapsin, hair dryers are blowin', Barry McElduff is makin' up an entire new language.

23.50: Suspending coverage, with a broken heart. And inflamed liver.


17.07: Tae hungover til commentate til now. Never buying Stella again, even if it is on affer. Tam Elliot has just made an arse o' himself in Fermanagh, Ah assume he his bin elected, and passibly drinkin'.

17.26: Gentleman Jim Alister is in  fur Nairth Antrim, lookin' cross there. Ah am wild good at predictin' these things, aside frae Lesley.

17.50: Yvette Shapiro hits somebody aff camera wi' her microphone. Jim Allister is shoutin' an' pointin' at folk behine her.

18.32: Nathin happenin' fur a bit, Tam Elliot losin' the bap has bin the highlight, alang wi' Jim scowlin'. He has perfected a Johnny Rattenesque sneer, perhaps indicatin' a career in punk rack when he retires frae palitics.

19.39. Brakin News: Big Ross is elected in West Trone. Ah hiv a picture of him wearin' amusinly short sacks somewhere, will luk it out.

19.45. Foun it. Ross is on the left. Saims til me he shud win twa saits, he will naid a special one built fur him up in Stormount. Lesley is in the middle. Fools the lat o' yis. That is the last time Ah visit Limavady.

19.47: Brakin News: Shinners bate wee Rodney McCune in Aist Antrim. He has quite impressive hair as well. This has bin a worryin' election fur those wi' an interest in paliticians hair. Oany Basil an' Alban hiv helt up the unusual hair standard. Mike Nesbitt disnae saim til even wash his.

20.00: Edwin Poots an' Jim Wells are likin' rude things on FB again. Must be a virus.

20.40: Still nathin happenin' "Britain's Gat Talent" still has had nae lambegs oan.

20.45: So farewell til wee Dawn. Aist Belfast does very odd things indaid.

20.55: Sandra is in then. Ah quite like her. Britain's gat talent has a French on it. Surely this is missin' the point?

21.32: Leslie Cree is elected in Nairth Down. Ah dinnae ken whether thon is a boy Leslie or a girl Leslie, but it is the wrang Lesley.

21.45: A green boy elected in Nairth Down. Tae many green folk in there already. Ah think that is important in terms o' ministers in the executive, but dinnae ken why

21.50: Runner up in ma Foxiness competition, Michelle O'Neill, is in somewhere. Ah think that is it over?

21.52: It is over, thank feck. Ah'll analise the results at some point or other, but we'll leave it at that. Night viewer.

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Election 2012 - Who fur til vote fur.

Alas the election is near upon us, an' Ah hiv let yis doon through ma inadequate coverage. In ma defence Ah hiv bin drivin' a yoke all night when Ah shud hae bin drinkin' heavily an' watchin' high falutin laiders debates but til be hanest it hisnae bin the maist excitin' o' campaigns. Although Ah micht hiv missed oot on a few o' the highlights,. whit wi' all these Royal Weddins', bank hallydays (dae themuns in banks iver wurk?) an' a general apathy, it his bin a somewhit dull affair. Yid hardly nae it was oan aside frae all the shite thit lands oan yer doorstep ivery mornin', urgin' ye til vote fur some cross eyed non-entity stannin' til be a councillor in a ward ye didnae ken ye lived in. Howiver Ah hiv bin examinin' the differen' constituencies an' will dae ma best til advise yis oan who til vote fur. As usual Ah will dae ma best til be unbiased an' non-sectarian, though til be fair Ah'm hardly likely fur til urge yis til vote fur the o'er surt.

How fur til vote in.......

Aist Antrim: The continued success o' wee Sammy is somethin' o a mystery til me. Folk say that shite floats, but how this wee turd has resisted bein' flushed o'er the years is beyond ma ken. The bare arsed, red cheeked, self effacing financial genius will nae doubt tap the pole, but Ah urge yis all til vote fur Roy Beggs, fur Ah met him once an' he poked me back on Facebuk.

Aist Belfast: If Ah accidentally foun' messel livin' in Aist Belfast, perhaps as a result o' some kind o' heid injury or the like, Ah wud hiv nae choice but til vote fur Wee Dawn. Unlike the o'er palitical parties, she cannae afford fancy election broadcasts, sure she never has thon wee red jacket aff her, but ne'rtheless she seems til irritate themuns in Stormount, an' thus deserves oor support.

Aist Londonderry: An aisy pick fur me here, as Ah cannae gae past ma betrothed, the delectable Lesley Macauley. Rarely can brains, beauty an' political albumen hiv come together in such a heady mix.. Any man who disnae vote fur her is clearly blind, an' any hen jealous, fur lovely Lesley puts the egg in the cup of Ulster palitics.

Fermanagh an' South Trone: Arlene Foster. Despite bein' a member o' the DUP, Arlene is quite smart, but the main reason she deserves yer vote is because o' this picture. Her DUP jacket is a fashion must for the summer season, and ladies would do well to follow her trend setting combination. Tom Elliot annoys me a bit, nat sure why, though tae be honest all Unionist laiders hiv annoyed me since Carson.

Foyle an' Londonderry: There appears fur til be nae Ulster Unionist stannin' this time roun' but that disnae matter fur Ah reckon yis shud back Eamonn McCann. Poor auld Eamonn has been stannin' unner any nummer o' guises fur farty odd years, so it oany saims fair til gie him a shot. Alsae Ah reckon he'd shite hissel fur he might hiv til dae somethin' insteid o' lyin' on his arse pontificatin' an' hingin' aboot wi' students.

Leggen Valley: Nae Jeffrey this time roun', he is concentratin' his efforts on Westminister an' transferrin' his old VHS collection ontil DVD Ah think. Edwin Poots is stannin' an' Ah am tempted til ask yis til support him as Stormount needs "big brains" in these troubled economic times. However you should support the next laider o' the UUP, Basil McCrea. For too long there has been a shortage o' Basils in palitics, an' he has very nice hair.

Mid-Ulster: Ah will surprise yis all here an ask yis til back Martin McGuinness,  Martin has come on laips an' bouns in racent times, an' as laider o' the DUP's military wing he has managed to keep the hotheids unner control. Ah alsae quite like the o'er DUP candidate in these parts, young Ian McCrea, even if he disnae hiv his brother Basil's hair.

Newry an' Armagh: The successful candidates in this constituency will be representin' nat yin but twa cities, a feat unsurpassed in British palitics. Ah had a look down the list an' dinnae really fancy any o' them. Murphy made a ballix o' the watter crisis sae Ah dinnae like him an' Ah hivnae heard o' the DUP one. This leaves me wi' the UUP's Danny Kennedy, fur Ah saw him in a car park the o'er day an' he said hello til me da.

Nairth Antrim: This area has traditionally been represented by mentalists, an' ye shud ensure this continues by votin' fur the TUV's Jim Allister. He wud be likely til wreck all roun' him in Stormount an' besides that Ah cannae stick Mervyn Storey. Rarely can a constituency have had twa candidates who luk mair like a pair o' slapped arses.

Nairth Belfast: Alban Maginness o' the SDLP does hiv incredible hair, but this is trumped by the beard o' Nelson McCausland. Nelson has unwittinly backed many o' ma campaigns o'er the years, sortin' oot the lack o' balance in the Ulster Museum fur example, an as heid yin o' DCAL he is ma best chance o' a grant so Ah'd better be nice til him.

Nairth Doon: An area wi' a history o' an independently minded electorate, an' thus Ah back Alan McFarland.  Tae be honest Ah hivnae heard o' any o' the o'er ones, although Ah was tempted by the Shinner candidate as Ah feel a wee bit sorry for him. Stuck there on a hidin' til nathin', he'd hiv mair chance sellin' Celtic shirts in Portavogie.

South Antrim: Good til see the British National Party stannin' in this constituency, whit wi' oor historic shortage o' palitical heid bins. However Ah willnae back them on this occasion, optin' insteid fur the Alliance's David Ford. Poor auld David needs a wee bit o' support, whit we him bein' party laider and Minister fur Justice, but naebody gien a shite about him since Naomi gat intil Westminister.

South Belfast: Ah really cannae stick Jimmy Spratt an' hiv failed til back any SDLP yit so will go fur Alasdair McDonnell. Ah wud hiv backed Michael McGimpsey but he saims wild angry o' late, he might be bad wi' his nerves. an' Alasdair is short o' cash wi oany his MP an' GP's salaries til rely on, so it oany saims right. God Ah hate Jimmy Spratt.

South Doon: Ah'm very tempted til go wi' Jim Wells here, fur he seems like a dacent fella an' he keeps accidentally sharin' rude things on Facebuk.  However Ah hiv nae choice but til back the Alliance's Davy Griffin.fur he taught me histry an' palitics at school. Wi'oot him ma immense knowledge o' histerical an' cultural matters wud be less bountyfull sae ye hiv him til thank, oor blame.

Strangfurd: In palitics as in life, we must all move forward, and whilst Ah still pine fur Iris a little, Ah am prepared til affer ma support til Michelle McIlveen o' the DUP, the party's new wee pin up girl. Ah was goantae back Mike Nesbitt o' the UUP but Ah keep gettin' him mixed up wi' Frank Mitchell aff the weather.

Upper Bawn: Ma hame constituency, but naebudy asked me til stan'. The UUP drapped Flash Harry after the election last year, an act o' folly fur at laist folk hid heard o' him. He is now stannin' fur the Alliance, an' Ah considered stickin' wi' him, but the fact o' the matter is that Joanne Dobson is better lukkin'. Interestinly the Alliance party appear til hiv the longest ladders in the constituency as their posters are highest up the lamp posts. Conversely the TUV (in the form o' Davy Vance) seem til oany have wee totty ladders, a fact which may interest the pundits.

West Belfast: Now thit Gerry is aff wielding power in the Free State there is a rare opportunity for Unionists to seize control in West Belfast. Sinn Fein voters will be confused by a Gerryless ballox paper, allowing Captain Bill Manwering til pick up transfers left, right and centre.

West Trone: Unionist candidates here appear til be chosen on girth rather than brains, an' til be hanest the field is nat exactly stimulatin'. Ah'll stick wi' Big Ross Hussey for the moment, though Ah cannae see him gettin' in. Pat Doherty will nae doubt be makin' some o' his guest appearance in the area at the moment, afore vanishin' back til Donegal for 5 years.

The Referenendum: This is an extremely complex affair. Sae far as Ah can wurk oot the AV system is a bit like bein' a dog wi' twa appendages. If ye miss oot wi' yer dick o' choice, yer second dick might still get in. Whit reprecussions this might hiv fur oorselves Ah amnae tae sure, but Ah note thit the Shinners are in favour o' it. thus Ah assume we should vote Nay.

There ye hiv it, Ah hape this is o' some use til the undecided voter. Ah will be endeavourin' til provide ma unsurpassed election coverage on Friday when the votes come in, work permittin'. That said Ah hiv a do til gae to thit evenin' so Ah might be pished.

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Dissident Ulster Scots threat level raised.

Paliticians an' security experts were last night digestin' the statement issued oan behalf o' the Nine County Saverignty Committee at the 95th Annual Easter Egg Hunt in Poyntzpass. The self styled "Real Ulster Scots Agency" split aff from the mainstream organisation in protest at their acceptance o' peaceful means in the quest to reunify Ulster, bringin' the occupied 3 counties back unner the crown. Like their dissident Repubican counterparts, the Real USA is mainly composed o' inbred rural types, the surt o' folk who lean against walls starin' at ye when ye drive past, use a tractor tae go shappin' an' get their haircut by their sister. Anyway, whilst in no way condonin' their views, Ah publish their statement below.

Statement on behalf o' the Nine County Saverignty Committee.

We the Army Council o' the Nine County Saverignty Committee, call fur the immediete withdrawal o' Free State troops frae the occupied counties o' Danegal, Managhan, an' Cavan. Fur tae long the folk o' these counties hiv bin mauled by the so-called Celtic Tiger, forced fur til buy bainne insteid o' milk, get stuck in traffic when themuns go til church, an' go to the swings on a Sunday. We reject the demands o' constitutional unionists, the pratestant churches an' the Orange Order demandin' that we fally exclusively peaceful means, an' are lukkin' intil gettin' a gun. Wullie Jameson reckons he has a few auld ones stuck somewhere in his rafters an' he'll loan us them fur a bit..

Ulster Scots livin' in the three counties who turn traiter til the cause, by atin' the wrang surt o' Tayto, drivin' Opels instied o' Vauxhalls oor buyin the Irish editions o' the papers, will be regarded as legitimate targets. It is fur us til decide where the border shud be, based oan a romantic 19th century view o' nationhood, nat the democratic process, so yousuns can all get til feck. 

We alsae reject the Queen's visit til the Free State, fur she has nae business goin' there. She is oor Queen. an' she'd be better aff goin' til the Twelfth.

God Save the Queen.

The Nine County Saverignty Committee. 

There ye hiv it. Ah attempted fur til get a statement frae a source close to the security forces, but a dinnae know their nummer.