Friday, 17 December 2010

1690 founder Billy McWilliams freed on bail, and the Budget.

The fallyin' is loosely tuk frae the BBC Wabsite
The founder of flute-blowing website 1690 an all thon, Professor Billy McWilliams, has vowed "til continue ma wurk an' fur til protest ma innocence" after being freed on bail.
The 39-year-old was granted bail two days ago but prosecutors objected, the bastards.
He is fighting extradition to Ballymena over sex assault allegations made by two women. He denies any wrongdoing.
Mr Justice Ouseley ordered Professor McWilliams be released "on bail o' a wile lock o' cash an' somethin' calt sureties" and on condition he resides at an address in Gilford.
Speaking on the steps of the High Court to a journalist, Professor McWilliams said: "It's braw til smell the reek o' Belfawst agin."
He went on to thank "all the folk aroun' Anahilt wha hid faith" in him, his lawyers for putting up a "quare ficht", people who provided money in the face of "bein' clean busted", members of the press and the British justice system.
"If justice isnae always an ootcome, at laist it isnae deid yit," he added, not being entirely sure what he meant himself.
"Ah hape fur til continue ma wurk an' continue til protest ma innocence in this carry on an' til revail as we git it, which we hivnae yit, the evidence frae these allegations. An' til go oot an' get blacked." (??)
Professor McWilliams had spent the past eight nights in prison.
He will now stay at a manor home on the Armagh-Down border owned by Wullie McIlveen, a 1690-supporting mentalist and owner of a carpet hire company in Portadown.
Professor McWilliams' solicitor, Wullie Colhoun, said after the court appearance the bail appeal was part of a "continuing vendetta by folk frae Ballymena".
There ye hiv it.
Aye, Ah am oot efter bein' helt in Maghaberry on trumped up charges o' havin' unprotected sex wi' twa weemen frae Ballymena, yin o' whom wus asleep. As ma solicitor pointed oot this is clearly an unpremeditated attempt by themuns in Stormount fur til silence the voice o' the Ulster Scot. The chances o' messel, a staunch Pradestant, havin' it aff wi'oot a thingummy are slight, niver mine havin' it aff wi' yin o' thon Ballymena heifers , although Ah admit the fallin' asleep bit his a ring o' truth about it. 
Raiders can be in nae doubt that this is an attempt by Stormount Ministers, an' Irwin's bakery, til stem the flow o' information spurtin' frae ma online organ. Ah kin assure yis all that Ah will continue fur til be a thorn in the arse o' the bastards, clockin' up there pontificatin' as if they ken whit they are at. Thus Ah address the budget thing.
The Budget thing.
Plastic Beg Tax - Ma arse. Dressed up as "enviromentalism" this is clearly an attempt til wring mair money oot o' the hard pressed shapper an' fur til bring us closer til a United Free State, fur they invented beg taxes. Whit they dinnae realise is that we all recycle the wee begs already in oor pedal bins, an' will thus be forced til buy those wee bin liners that are a wile waste o' money. Ah fur one will circumvent this by burnin' any combustible rubbish in ma fire, an' diggin' a big hole in the back field fur the rest. Stick thy'on up yer enviromental tax arses.
Pubic Sector Pay Freeze - "Fur tap earners earning mair than £21000 a year." Tap earners? Jaysus, mair like a figure randomly plucked frae wee Sammy's hairy ringpiece. Tae the best o' ma admittedly limited financial knowledge, £21000 isnae exactly in whit ye micht call the Simon Caul bracket. An' they'll have til pay til park their motors on the premises? Does this include teachers, dinner ladies, nurses? They'll just bung up the pavements fur the rest o' us.
Harbour Commission thing an' sellin' goverment land aff- Ah wasnae sure tae who these Harbour Commissioners are, but they hiv til give £125 million. Turns oot they are owned by the goverment in some way or o'er, sae where was the money goin' in the first place? As fur sellin' aff land, handy wee one there. Sell it aff at the bottom o' the market, til praperty developers. Nat that any o' the parties in Stormount hiv links til praperty developers, like Seymour Sweeney or the IRA.
Nae Watter Rates - because they think it'll piss folk aff. It wud, but we'd all soon furget about it an' come the election we'd all vote fur the same folk as last time. Insteid they'll put the o'er rates up, an' still nat grit the pavements.
A £20 million poun' hardship fund - now I lukked some real figures up fur a change an' it turns oot that 20% o' the papulation o' Northern Ireland is "in paverty", an' I make that about 350000 thousand folk. A quick sum in ma heid makes that £6 each for poor folk. Dinnae spen' it all in the yin shap.
Some o'er things - which Ah cannae mind. Anyway Sammy said it was a "good Christmas present for the people of Northern Ireland." He meant praperty developers, people who piss watter down the sink, folk who dinnae shap, poor folk who get excited by £6 an' pubic sector wurkers who walk til wurk, manage til keep their jab an' earn £20000. The rest o' us are bucked.
It is snowin' a wile lat o' late, though ye wudnae know it if ye watched the local news.

Monday, 6 December 2010

Christenmas Gift Special Thing

“Twas the nicht afore Christenmas, an’ aw thru the hoose, nat a cratur was stirrin’ nat even a moose.”

Sae writ Rabbie Burns, Ah think,  in anticipation o’ the family fun an’ gift exchangin’ festival thit his become knain as Christenmas, after Jaysus, the boy whit invented it.  It bein’ early in the Christenmas season, Ah hiv nae doubt thit yer mines are turnin’ taewards the purchase o’ things fur til give til folk. In order fur til assist yes Ah hiv trawled the highs an’ lows o’ the interweb fur til seek oot the best an’ maist appropriate gifts fur folk frae oor fair shores, an’ Ah present them below, hopefully somethin’ fur aw the family.

Fur the larger wean……
The Gerry Kelly Chemistry Set

Both fun an’ educational, the Gerry Kelly Chemistry set contains aw manner o’ experiments fur til amaze an’ entertain the hole family. With skill an’ practice, youse tae can blow the shite oot o’ places, serve a lock o’ years behine bars, escape fur a wee bit, an’ yet still end up in a high powered job up at Stormount.  By fallyin’ the simple instructions, the basic principle thit shit floats til the tap will be proofed til aw.

Fur Him

Tart Attack

The latest game fur the Nintendo Wee frae Carrickfergus based saftware company Micrasaft™, this interactive game allows ye til experience the thrill o’ a nicht oot in Banbridge wi’oot laivin’ the warmth o’ yer ain hame. Ye must guide yer wee character through a variety o’ Banbridge’s finest nite spats, avoidin’ the attentions o’ badly dressed slappers in their late forties. Ye micht make it past the Imperial, up the hill past the First an’ Last, but can ye master the Downshire on a Saturday nicht? Find oot wi Tart Attack………

Fur Her

Bigotry, by Kalvin Clein

Weemen like til smell nice, it wud saim, an’ nathin’ smells better than a hen after a march. This latest perfume frae Castlederg’s ain Kalvin Clein adds til his range o’ suspiciously misspelt underwear (available frae Nutt’s Corner an’ Bangor Market.) It blends the heady warmth o’ a fat lass wrapped in a Corbet Accordion Band uniform wi' the aroma o’ peas o’er boiled in a big pan after the Twelfth an' just a hint o’ Smirnoff Ice.

Fur the hole Family
Hivnae a Cleudo.

A braw new twist oan a family favourite. A murder mystery set in Stormount, ye must explore the Big Hoose fur til fine a murderer, a jab in itself ye wud think. Was it the Rev McCrea in the Kitchen wi’ the badly recorded CD? Colonel McGuinness in the never visited Library wi’ the hastily disposed o’ revolver? Or maybe it wus Professor Sammy in the Ballix Room wi’ the nat yet charged fur watter pipe.

Fur weemen, frae Lurgan
The Hoorbeg

A clever twist on the traditional ladies handbeg this is the ultimate accessory fur the Lurgan hen in yer life. The beg contains a myriad o’ pockets til house aw the things a Mid Ulster lady naids oan a nicht oot. Slot fur a wee Quarter battle? Check. Hole fur a spare pair o’ keks? Check.  Small megaphone sae everybudy in a bar can hear whit yer sayin’? Check. Benefits calculator? Check. Pocket fur condoms sae thit ye willnae hiv any more weans ye cannae afford? Na.
Although designed fur Lurgan wimmin, it may alsae be a handy gift fur wimmin frae Derry, Belfast, Strabane, Larne, Carrickfergus, Armagh, Newtownards an’ Caulraine. An’ Gilford. An’ Cookstown.

Fur Wee Weans
Count wi’ Sammy

International expert on Sums, Sammy Wilson, lends his name til’ a new Video Cassette fur the Sesame Street folk. Sammy demonstrates how til count frae Yin til Ten, divide by six, an’ laive 10,000 folk oot o’ wurk as a remainder. The preschool child will learn how fur til ignore economical realities by fundin’ a divided society wi’oot butherin’ til address the east/west economic divide.

Fur aw the Family

An Unsliced Veda

Goes wi’oot sayin.

O’er gifts Ah cudnae be arsed makin’ pictures fur…..

Gerry Adams Beard Trimmer: Shave yer ain salary by feckin’ aff down south, but dinnae wurry aboot it fur yiv a fine wee nest egg built up frae sellin’ shite buiks til Americans.
Margaret Ritchie hand puppets: Copy wee Margaret’s bizarre hand gestures by attachin’ a wee furry animal til each hand an’ wavin’ them about in a random, if expressive, manner in front o’ the specially designed low lecturn (sold separately)
Apocalypse Cow…..en: The latest fillum frae acclaimed director George C Osborne. A tense thriller in which a fat man sits in a temple talkin’ shite while the hole wurld falls apart aroun’ him.

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Wiki Laiks - Shack Revelations.

It is wi' grate interest that Ah read the Wiki Laik things frae the tap secert US government documents. The 1690 affice was fortunate enough til get haul o' these papers, an' hiv spent the last wheen o' days ploughin' through them fur revelations that relate til oor ain part o' the wurld. From whit we hiv discovered the American diplamats have hid much til say oan matters here, revealin' potentially embarrassin' facts that cut right til the centre o' power. In revealin' these things til yis, Ah must point oot that it is fur yerselves til decide oan their veracity, Ah am merely passin' oan the information.

  • Aughnacloy is on the verge of becomin' a nuclear power. The folk in Dungannon asked the USA to bomb the village's nuclear facility due to fears that this would destabilise the region.
  • The popular hallyday destination o' Portrush is actually a hole wi' nathin' til dae in it. 
  • The Giant Causeway was nat made by God, takes ages til get til, an' then is a bit dissapointin' when ye dae. 
  • A prominant Royal said that both Norn Iron an' the Free State were wile corrupt, wi' boys gettin' backhanders for plannin' permission. 
  • Stormount is led by eejits who are unfit to govern. Furst Minister Peter Rabinson once led a lock o' boys in a mock invasion o' a neighbourin' state. He saul his garden for a fiver, his wife routinely abused minority groups, an' then hid an affair wi' a young fella. The deputy Furst Minister was right an' high up in a terrorist group that killed a wile lock o' folk. However the diplomats say that they shud be left in power as it keeps us frae killin' eacho'er.
  • The Finance Minister is totally unqualified fur the job, an' once had his arse out in the paper. 
  • The Free State is alsae run by arseholes, who hiv saul their country til Europe in order tae get another bunch of arseholes in the banks out of bother.
  • The Twelfth is borin'.
  • Lisburn an' Newry are towns nat cities. Londonderry is nat really the same size as Belfast an' dusnae need an airport. 
  • Portavogie is buildin' up its military strength with a view til annexin' Ballyhalbert an' issuin' a UDI.
  • Give my Head Peace an' the Blame Game are nat funny.

Pole News - 

In a very tight vote Sammy is officially Arse o' the Year. Ah will be makin' his certificate forthwith, an' wingin' it o'er til him on his wee Facebuk page. Meanwhile messel' an' the Rev McFetridge bate aff young Kirk, thus managin' til be crowned Ulster Scot's of the year an' makin' Iris wild jealous in the process.

Norn Iron Wurld Cup Bid.

The vote is the marra an' due til the corruption that clearly riddles FIFA we are nat in it. As we await the result it is perhaps a good time til remine oorselves o' whit cud hiv bin............